Vocab answers

Wow - some of you did really well! Jan - who e-mailed her responses to me - was the winner! I think you'll get a kick out of some of these answers :)

Kiki = blankey
Mats = Max
Oph = Off
Ski = Squeeze (with a big hug!)
Ah sigh = Outside
Onge = Orange
I man = Spider Man OR Amen
Poppy = Potty
Nunee = Music
Ock = Sock
Stee = Sesame Street
Teetee = Pretty

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Vocab quiz

Nicholas is talking up a storm these days, so I thought I'd throw out a little entertainment for you. Many of his words are entirely clear, but others are more diffcult to make out. See if you can guess what he's saying:

Kiki
Mats
Oph
Ah sigh
Onge
Ski
I man
Poppy
Nunee
Ock
Stee
Teetee

Some of these are really tough!

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Not-so-lucky 7

I mentioned that Nicholas is counting to 10 these days. He counts everything: steps, snaps on his clothes, stripes on his shirt, blueberries on his tray, paws on his Max, EVERYTHING. And, sometimes, he just counts to count - at any given moment we might hear his sweet, little voice chanting: one, two, three, four, five, six, eight, nine, ten! Yea!

He doesn't say seven.

Of course, I respond, "Say seven."

Nicholas says, "Eight, nine, ten!"

"Now say 'seven'."

"Eight."

Seven is just out of luck around here.

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Progress report *edited*

Eva - Here are some of the things that were recommended to us: Cleveland update - trip 2. We really learned a lot of practical information reading the book, 'Parenting the Hurt Child' by Gregory Keck. You might check that one out. I hope this helps!

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Removing the 'battle' has worked wonders around here. It feels like Nicholas has morphed from boundary-pushing combatant to a lovey little snuggler - his natural order, no doubt.

Here are some examples of changes we're enjoying:

Fewer power struggles (occassionally he'll still test this, but nowhere near the frequency we were experiencing before)

Focused play - both independent, with peers and with us. His ability to sit down and focus has never been terrible - but, still it's improving daily.

Initiating physical proximity to us (showing us toys, engaging us in play, sitting right next to us, snuggling, asks to be held and then melts into us - he's affectionate these days / not clingy)

Increased expression of emotion (he'll say 'happy' spontaneously and his tantrums are more communicative / less erratic and he knows 'sad' and 'mad')

He's more tuned into our emotion - the best example is that he gets tearful when we're communicating disappointment in his choices. This is big - initially he'd just glare at us!

Initiates interactive play with us (thumbkin, peek-a-boo, pat-a-cake, reading books, etc)

He doesn't reject us when we initate physical contact with him. In fact, he not only says "Come 'ere" and "Come on" to us, but he responds when we say it to him! And, he's totally into neck, back, foot and hand massages these days - elicits a big smile!

We've consistenly fostered relationships with his grandparents and this does not seem to be causing him confusion about us / our role as parents. He has been more apt to put his arms up to others, but we're still avoiding anyone holding him except the gps.

He's using language more effectively and seems to be in the beginning stages of cause and effect. Over the weekend he came in from a long outside play session with Daddy and walked right in saying, "Eat?" He rarely communicates he's hungry with words - he usually communicates this with a whimpery tantrum! And, he's just making lots of noise these days - he's very chatty.

He's 'reading' books with us and initiates this himself. His ability to focus through a book is brand new and he particularly likes any book we have with pictures of animals (he makes their sounds), colors (which he's just starting to grasp) and numbers (he can count to 10 all by himself!).

Another very cool change we're witnessing is his solicitation of positive attention from us. For so long the only attention he would seek was negative - he'd misbehave to solicit negative attention. As a parent, that dynamic was really rough. I think this is one of the biggest changes we're experiencing as a result of removing power dynamics. He's getting tons of positive attention from us as we catch him behaving well - and let me tell you, sometimes we have to work really hard to set him up for this success! But, as he receives consistent praise, his self-esteem spikes and his desire to get more of it increases - it's a lovely little cycle we're in right now.

One example of this: He thinks it's fun to run around Max in circles while Max is resting in the living room (our dog is such a good big brother!). This weekend he started running, clapped for himself and looked at us to do the same. So, we did! But, after about a minute of reinforcing his general cuteness, we refocused our attention elsewhere. Nicholas noticed and started a little whimpery cry - but, continued running!!! It was so fun to see him communicate 'hey, I liked that - gimme some more.' So, we did! It's just good to see him solicit positive attention - we think he had to learn that he deserved it after so many months of neglect.

Sunday after lunch he was getting sleepy and sat down with me on the couch. Within minutes he had placed himself in the cradle position in my arms and was sleeping peacefully. HUGE! But, even more huge - he didn't wake up when I got up and tucked him into his big boy bed. He's been so hyperalert to his environment along the way that any movement we make when he's relaxing with us will spoil the moment. I was so thrilled that he slept through me walking him across the house to his bed.

Overall, he just seems to be feeling good about himself and his growth.

And, overall, Matt and I are feeling good about parenting to Nicholas' needs.

It's actually pretty difficult to imagine where we'd be right now if we had not sought assistance last November. We're very glad we didn't wait.

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Trauma, PTSD & traumatic grief

I attended a CEU seminar today - titled above. I learned / re-learned some things that made me think about our little man and all he's been through, so I thought I'd process some of it externally here...

Trauma increases the level of cortisol in the brain (the limbic system specifically), which can hardwire the fight/flight/freeze reaction to stressors. This is a physiological experience - not emotional, not behavioral, not cognitive - physical. Thus healing interventions must address lowering the chronically elevated cortisol levels in order to decrease post-trauma symptoms.

But, trauma hardwires the brain for fight/flight/freeze. Therefore, people who have experienced previous trauma (including our abandon, abused, neglected, PI kiddos) are at a higher risk for future PTSD reactions to traumatic events (keeping in mind, of course, that trauma is entirely subjective).

70% of US adults have been exposed to a traumic event.

30% of those develop PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder).

It struck me today that the work we've been doing with Nicholas is basic trauma healing. Whether it feels like a big, scary word or not - our little man as been traumatized by his abandonment at birth, his 18 months of institutional neglect, and even his experience of being adopted away from everything 'known' to him. Beyond that - truly God only knows what sorts of trauma he faced in utero.

As his parents, we think it's terribly important to keep in mind that his history makes him more vulnerable to future traumatic stress symtpoms. The odds are that he will experience something traumatic between now and the end of his life. His perceptions of events, coping skill availability, emotional self-regulation skills, and general self-esteem will be paramount to his ability to face life stressors with minimal distress.

We have witnessed some fantastic strides re: Nicholas' healing process these past couple of months. I'll post an update about that soon.

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Big boy hair

We had a great time with Matt's parents while they were in town over the weekend. Everyone is noticing the drastic changes in our little man. I need to post here about how incredible the past couple of months have been on the attachment front.

Mimi gave Nicholas a much-needed haircut on Sunday - here are some pictures post-haircut. He looks SO handsome!

Nicholas is blossoming - becoming such an affectionate, sweet little guy! Sometimes I feel so blown away by how in love with him I've become.

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AF article

Our debut article in Adoptive Families magazine! I think you can click on it and make it bigger.

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A child of my own

It's not always easy to know how to respond to well-intentioned comments about our pregnancy.

It's particularly difficult to process the 'child of your own' themed commentary. It's not always clear what sentiment is being conveyed. Of course, I'd like to assume that it's a 'Wow, you are experiencing the best of both worlds - what a blessing for you!' sentiment. But, sometimes it feels more like a 'I'm so glad you get to experience real parenthood and not just adoption' sentiment.

This morning, when my 2-year-old had to hear someone say to me, 'Oh, I heard you're pregnant! Now you'll have a child of your own! How exciting!' I was stunned silent and didn't say anything at all; just smiled.

When she walked away I put his face in my hands and reminded him that he is my own - my very own child - who I love from the top of my head to the bottom of my toes.

He didn't say anything either; just smiled!

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Got scissors?

We need you, Mimi!

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Cuteness

Can you believe our little man is sporting a 24-month onesie and 24-month overalls? He was wearing 6-month clothes when he came home in July. He's getting so big!

Here's the toddler-adjusted big-boy bed. Nicholas really digs it!

Here he is pretending to sleep in his big boy bed!

And, here are the three loves of my life getting in some snuggle time.

Nicholas is not yet sleeping in his big boy bed. That transition is still pending, but will be in the works shortly. We've just had other things on the radar and that's been pushed to the back burner! We'll let you know how it goes!

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We're in print!

Those of you who subscribe to Adoptive Families magazine, check out pg.21!

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Losing echolalia

Nicholas was sitting on my lap earlier this afternoon and started rocking his head. I asked him if it was time to go nigh nigh.

"Nigh nigh?" He asked.
"Yea, are you getting sleepy?"
"No. No no."

I looked at Matt and cracked up. He rarely - if ever - answers a question. Usually he just repeats the last word we've said. We've been working on this.

While laughing, I exclaimed, "Nicholas!"
He looked up at me and asked, "What?"

At this point I was nearing shock and simply answered his question, "You make me smile."

I think some pretty nifty conversations are right around the corner!

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Our little gymnast

We trekked to our 2nd gymnastics class this evening and I remembered the camera...

Here is Nicholas post-somersault down the 'cheese mat'. Tonight was the first time he tucked his head. Previously he has gotten a big face-full of mat during the somersault.
Nicholas' hand stand on the balance beam

Balancing! He did so well on this tonight - even took one foot off to tap the beanie babies as instructed.

Tapping sticks during warm up stretches

Buried butt up in the ball pit

Jumping on the trampoline

Nicholas has LOTS of fun at gymnastics!

(And, yes, even we shag-fans are aware that Nicholas needs a haircut. We're looking forward to Mimi's visit for multiple reasons!!)

The 2/3-year-old gymnasts warmed up doing some stretches (made extra fun with the stick tapping you see above). At one point all the kiddos were to tap their sticks together in the middle of the circle. Nicholas couldn't reach, so Matt moved him forward toward the other kids sitting in the circle and Nicholas swung himself around and dived into his Daddy's lap! My sweet husband smiled and gave me a big 'yea!' nod of happiness while I clapped in approval from the bleachers.

None of the other parents seemed to cheer when their children showed signs of healthy attachment.

Gotta love gymnastics with your becoming-attached 2-year-old!

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Milk **edited**

Vickie asked: Carla, I was wondering.. do they give the babies any milk...all the blog I have read talk about juice and tea...If not how did Nicholas handle milk when you have introduced him to it?

I'm guessing that orphanages all do this differently, but we were actually told that Nicholas had not be given milk in the orphanage. He primarily drank hot tea out of a mug like a little old man (an image which will forever be burned into my mind!). But, he also drank kefir, which is a dairy product. In fact, if you've not tried it - it's an interesting cross between milk and yogurt. You can get it here in the states - even comes in various flavors - it's good stuff. I've seen it at Kroger, Marsh, Whole Foods and Fresh Market - not hard to find. Nicholas and I love it - Matt, not so much!

When we were in Moscow, I continued to give him only kefir and apple juice. As soon as we got him home, we introduced whole milk. He continues to drink both kefir and whole milk and a wide assortment of juices (orange is his favorite - just like his daddy!). I think because his little body was used to dairy, he did not have a problem adjusting.

He does get a big happy grin out of a sippy cup filled with kefir though. I wonder if there is something cellularly familiar about it to him.

If you haven't traveled yet, definitely ask specific questions about your child's diet in the orphanage. We learned that Nicholas had not been exposed to any non-pureed food (he was almost 19-months-old when he came home!) and the fruits and veggies he had eaten were very limited in scope. And, apparently the most frequent cuisine consisted of fish soup and kasha in his baby days.

We took our time introducing new things to his system (and teaching him to chew, which was quite a trip) and didn't ultimately deal with any nasty tummy issues - I think beause we were terribly conservative in changing his diet. Now, he pretty much eats what we eat - though we're certainly not above throwing a hot dog on his tray if he's not into the protein we're eating!

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**Vickie - is your daughter adopting through KF? I have yet to pick up our 2009 calendars!!**

Seeking bio parenthood post-adoption

Anonymous posted: "Carla - Can you share some of your thought process on pursuing a bio child after bringing Nicholas home. How soon did you decide to try to have a baby? Were you trying to conceive during the adoption process or wait, or did your adoption experience alter your feelings about a bio child? Thanks!"

This subject feels a little vulnerable! And, since Matt does not post here, I'm going to speak about this from my perspective only - which, you'll have to keep in mind, is only half of the input into the decision making machine around here! Technically, we didn't begin pursuing bio parenthood after Nicholas came home. We actually spent a few years in hot pursuit of it prior to little man's arrival into our world.

When I was in college I met a woman who was adopting from China. I didn't know her well and certainly wasn't privy to the nuances of her adoption process, but I was completely enamored by the idea of her experience. In my (retrospectively naive) mind, I had such a clear visual of her getting on a plane and joyfully traipsing over to China to meet her little girl. It was exotic, dreamy. At that point, I became pretty vocal that I would parent through adoption some day. And, I really felt it to be true for me - as if God were opening my heart even way back then - through some of my more vulnerable (and impressionable) developmental years.

My heart for adoption never closed - but, I must confess it was severely side tracked by infertility. I don't know how to explain this other than describing me - when I can't seem to have or do something my heart so desperately yearns for, I just try harder and my vision becomes a bit tunneled. I don't claim this is the healthiest approach to life's challenges, but it is pretty typical of my approach to life's challenges. When we learned that biological parenthood was going to be a challenge for us, we hunkered down and attempted to identify ways around those challenges. As loved ones around us continued to conceive the old fashioned way, our level of devastation elevated exponentially and with it our resolve to try and make it happen in our world.

Infertility surprised me - everything about it took me off guard - from the diagnosis to the devastation. It tapped into some of the single most painful experiences I have ever processed: chronic failure, disappointment, grief, powerlessness, inadequacy, loss. I felt perpetually devastated in that arena of my life and when it ultimately became the defining factor for my overall mental health, it clearly became time to close that chapter and open another.

Parenthood was always our goal and adoption just started feeling smarter! So, we walked away from the world of infertility - knowing that we would ultimately be back to finish what we started (and I mean that literally...we had little ones waiting for their chance at life and we always intended to provide that opportunity knowing full well that God's plan trumps ours).

Timing? Well, there was A LOT that went into our timing decision. I think it could be reasonably argued that our timing was pretty stupid overall - and maybe I think this because I was questioning it myself. I mean, we did initiate this endeavor in the midst of some pretty difficult attachment dynamics with Nicholas (in fact, we had just re-initiated treatment and were mid-stride when we first trekked to Cleveland last October). If anyone is feeling particularly critical of us in this regard, we haven't been subjected to such judgment externally - which I'm grateful for!

Matt and I did process a number of behind-the-scenes dynamics that made our timing both clear and important for us. And, if I'm perfectly honest with myself - I never expected it to work. It was my sincerest hope that we 'get it over with' so I could grieve, move on and live a 2009 that wasn't marred by infertility, loss and heartache. It was never our intention that Nicholas would be an only child - though we sometimes questioned whether it was God's intention. Like I mentioned before, our sibling relationships are special and remarkably important to both Matt and me. I expected we would adopt Nicholas' sibling though. It seemed a logical conclusion given our history. Had we not conceived, I don't believe it would have been terribly long before we initiated another adoption.

We did not actively try to conceive during our adoption process - meaning we didn't pursue simultaneous medical intervention in that time frame. However, those of us with multiple infertility issues typically don't put effort into avoiding pregnancy either! We did conceive twice on our own between trips 1 & 2 for Nicholas' adoption. That was a really raunchy 8/9 months for us - obviously.

Here's what I know - for us, family expansion is difficult. Conception doesn't happen easily. Maintaining pregnancies requires medical assistance. Adoption was long and heartbreaking and arduous. And, in keeping with the theme, so far pregnancy has entailed 4 months of vomiting and a loss of 20+ lbs. None of it has been smooth - not a single second.

That said, we are huge advocates for adoptive parenthood. Nicholas is the joy of our lives and we would walk through every fire-y hoop 10 times over to become his parents. And, though it required LOTS of effort to get here and has been an overall nauseating experience, I'd have to say the same about this pregnancy - we'd walk through every fire-y hoop all over again just for the opportunity to be sharing this experience together.

I guess if we boil it down to the most bottom line - we just wouldn't have it any other way - we can't really imagine it any other way to be honest. God only knows what's next for us. In the meantime, we're thrilled with our little family of 3 and are very very happy to be adding to it.

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He was only 10-months-old

Last night my family got together at my older brother & sister-in-law's to celebrate my mom's 66th. Happy birthday, Mom! We had such a nice time just hanging out with everyone. I love watching Nicholas interact with his nana & papa, aunts, uncles & cousins - all my most favorite people.

It struck me last night as we all sat around the living room watching the little ones who range in age from 10 months to almost 10 years that there are no other people on the planet who will ever share the level of history that my parents and my brothers hold in my life. I love them to the core - a love that is more familiar than any other love that I can imagine. Matt feels the exact same way about his people - that kindred, intimate, known connection that will simply never be replicated in our adult lives. And, I must say, his love for his people is one of the things I love most about my husband. On our way home, we both reveled in the deep satisfaction that we feel about Nicholas becoming and having a sibling. We feel so blessed to be giving him this gift.

I'm off track though from the original intent of my post...

Currently, the littlest family member on my side is 10-month-old Ben. He's the very age that Nicholas was when we met him in October of 2007. It really blew me away to make that connection last night. The differences in development between the two at the same age are striking.

At 10-months-old, Nicholas was really independent. He was not at all baby-like, really - even though he was a tiny little guy. He crawled readily and walked himself around his crib. When Matt held both his hands, he walked around the floor. He was interactive with toys and inquisitive about them - almost as if he were trying to figure out how they worked. He was drinking out of a cup and had mastered the art of mess-free speed eating! He was so serious. And, he was almost savvy in his social interactions - deliberate.

Ben is such a baby. He's a snuggler and he's drooly. He's not even close to walking or mimiking the action of walking. He smiles constantly. He takes his sweet time eating and messes it all over his face. But, Ben is so solid physically. And, he is remarkably responsive to social cues - he has already developed very active receptive communication skills. He makes eye contact readily - with everyone - and is perpetually seeking out his parents (even if just visually) as if satisfying a need to touch home base. He's so vulnerable.

It's really intense to observe the differences in development between a home grown and an institutionalized 10-month-old. I sat there holding Ben last night thinking, "How on earth did we do that? How did we leave him there? How did we survive missing the next 9 months of his life? He really was just a baby."

And, in so many beautiful ways, he still is.

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