I'm gonna miss 'Eldu'

Yesterday, watching Sesame Street, Nicholas pointed and enthusiastically said, "Eldu!" when our little red Elmo started singing about his world.

Today, watching Sesame Street (albeit a rerun), Nicholas looked up at me when the little red cutie started singing and clearly said, "Elmo!"

I loved Eldu.

Darn speech therapist.

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Gymnastics and germs

We started Nicholas in a gymnastics class last week. He LOVES it. I was expecting a little tumbling class for tots, but was surprised to see my little man walk on the balance beam, do some back hand springs, swing around on the bars, and do some cart wheels. All of these activities were assisted by his daddy, who got quite a workout himself! Unfortunately, I forgot the camera, so I'll have to share some pictures at a later date.

Of course with public toddler play time comes germs and their variously inspired diseases. Eww.

Nicholas had a very fussy Sunday - just generally not himself - and was up and down throughout the night crying and going back to sleep. At one point he woke me up whispering 'hi' directly into my ear while hanging off my side of the bed! Apparently he wasn't sick enough to zap his monkey-like energy.

Monday though, he was a miserable, fussy, clingy little boy. He had sick eyes and rosy cheeks on his pale face and ran a fever throughout the day. This is the first time we've really seen him sick (sans our Chicken Pox adventure in Siberia - through which he wasn't really acting sick at all).

Here he is in a rare awake moment, watching Sesame Street and snacking on some cheerios. Aside from moments like these, I held him darn near the entire day. He even fell asleep in my arms. Happy day for a mama of a sick boy! I held him for ~30 minutes then just layed him down on the couch where he proceeded to sleep the next 3 hours. He started to show a little more life Monday evening and Matt said he had a fine day yesterday.

I'm glad it was a relatively short-stint for him because:

1. as much as I loved the clinginess, I hated seeing him so miserable, and
2. I'm running a slight fever tonight and am glad to know that this won't last long!

Seems like I am catching everything these days.

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Facilitating sibling adjustment

Thought some of you might be interested - looks like Arleta's book is available via amazon.com!

Brothers and Sisters in Adoption

Happy reading!

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A family nap

Lately I've been napping at the same time as Nicholas fairly often. Most afternoons I'm pretty tuckered out and I've been taking advantage of napping-opportunities. Plus, it keeps Nicholas from climbing out of his bed if I'm in the room with him - drastic measures, indeed.

Last Thursday, Matt put Nicholas in our bed for his nap and I joined him ~10 minutes later thinking I'd be up and putting him in his crib shortly. BUT, he fell asleep - with me! He napped with me - in the same bed - at the same time. HUGE! We even woke up together (yep, I take long naps).

It has been a great attachment month for us - he's missing us, relaxing enough to sleep with us, seeking out tons of lap sitting time with us, engaging us in play.

I've also noticed that he's paying more attention to our non-verbals. The other night he got out of bed and ran into the kitchen looking for me with a big smile on his face and a giggle. I actually gave him a serious look in response and his face sobered up immediately. Truthfully, this is absolutely not he first time I've communicated disatisfaction with my facial expressions and typically he just giggles more and runs off. This time, he got serious and just looked at me - like he was processing disappointment - mine and his. I picked him up, told him I loved him very much and that I wanted him to go nigh nigh. He said (predictably), 'Nigh, nigh' as I carried him back to bed.

Instances like these - that seem so small and likely so typical - are so so so monumental around here and it just feels good to be experiencing small typicals with our little man!

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Nicholas' Russian sweater

My mom was with me on trip#3 and asked Natasha to take us to a yarn shop in Ekaterinburg on our last shopping day. I picked out my faves and mom made this sweater and hat for Nicholas:

The buttons are doggy faces! These are such special souveniers from Nicholas' birth city.

Nicholas says, "Spaiseba bolshoye, Nana! Ya tebya lublyu!"

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Our quiet toddler

Matt and I have been thoroughly warned that an unsupervised, quiet toddler is a toddler who is up to no good. The other day, we were chatting in the kitchen and I said, 'Hey, where's Nicholas?' to which Matt replied, 'I don't know, but he's being awfully quiet.'

We walked into the playroom and caught him behaving entirely appropriately:

Nicholas has discovered the joy of the snap! He was darn near naked by the time we found him.

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He missed me!

Once a month I attend a breakfast meeting downtown with a couple of other psychologists - sort of a support group-ish experience. I really enjoy it. Since Nicholas has been home, we've either met at my house or I've missed attending due to our (self-imposed) child-care restraints. This month's meeting was this morning and my mom came up to hang out with Nicholas while I traipsed downtown for a couple of hours.

And apparently - while I was gone this morning - Nicholas missed me!

My mom said he even cried a couple of times for his 'Mama' - an absolute first. When I got home, he greeted me with a big smile and lots of squeezes and lovies. He even snugggled his sweet face into my neck and settled in there for a few minutes. I was stunned blissful. BLISSFUL. He has absoultely never initiated this kind of affection with me.

My son missed me and he connected with me when I returned. Incredible!

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A real date

Last night Matt and I had our first real date since June. We went downtown for dinner at PF Changs and saw 'To Kill a Mockingbird' at the IRT - my Christmas gift from Matt, actually. It was so lovely! This date was inspired by our new-found freedom to foster relationships with N and his grandparents.

My parents had a grand time babysitting Nicholas for the very first time. They played, had pizza for dinner and gave little man a bath. I think they all three enjoyed their time tremendously!

I called my mom on our way home ~9:30p and asked her how it went. She said, "Well, do you want the truth?" The truth was that while they had a great time and Nicholas was a very good boy, he was still awake - 2.5 hours past his bedtime! He would not go to sleep even though my mom sat with him for a very long time waiting for him to nod off.

It's funny becuase we've never had this problem with him. He's a good sleeper, which just communicates to us that he was revved up, a little thrown off by the whole event and (ideally, of course) wondering where in the heck his parents were! It wouldn't surprise me if he was a tad anxious and just having a tough time in general settling down.

We're not at all bummed that he had this reaction to being separated from us. Actually, we're kind of stoked that he had a reaction at all. And, we are, of course, deeply grateful to have such loving childcare - free of charge. Thanks Mom & Dad. We're already looking forward to our next date in March when Nicholas will get some special alone time with his Mimi and Grandpa!

As for today, he's definitely more eye-rubby and tired than is typical of him (he didn't end up going to bed until we did). So, we're all three off for a Saturday afternoon slumber!

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Oh, and still no toddler bed transition...pending!

She said, he said

I went to bed (very) early last night and Nicholas was still awake when I went in to lay down (toddler bed transition is slated for this weekend).

This was our day-ending convo:

Me: nigh, nigh Nicholas!
N: (enthusiastically) Nigh, nigh!
Me: You're such a nice boy.
N: Nigh bouy.
Me: Sleep good.
N: Good!
Me: Thank you!
N: Ta tu.
Me: You're welcome.
N: Well well.
Me: I love you.
N: Ah do!

Sweet, sweet parroting.

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Affirmation

A couple of weeks ago I visited one of my former professors in Bloomington with whom I’ve had a kindred connection since my first course with her when I was 19 years old! She is also a mother through both adoption and biological parenthood – her kids are my age and older. It was nice to spend some time with her – and introduce her to our little man.

She told me that when her kids were young, she and her husband were interviewed for an article about biracial families and she was asked which of her three kids (oldest=bio, middle=adopted, youngest=adopted) was her favorite! Apparently she responded that it’s not really possible to choose a favorite child as they all bring individuality and uniqueness into their parent-child relationships. However, she was quick to note that her youngest was easily her most affirming child in his emotional connectedness and his tendencies toward being physically demonstrative with her. So, if ‘favorite child’ = the one who most affirms her as a mother, she would choose her youngest. And, interestingly, so did her husband – for the same reason – in a separate interview – without communicating about it prior!

This perspective felt validating to me. Parenting a child who is not attached is not consistently affirming. In fact, many days, it’s not at all affirming – if he doesn’t come to us when he’s hurting, if he’s struggling to relax and be held, when he gets overstimulated and zones out entirely, when he self-stims instead of seeking comfort from us, if he’s just generally being independent and not communicating needs.

Fortunately, we are seeing an increase in our affirming moments – signifying that, indeed, little man is feeling more comfortable and is bonding with us more naturally. And, it amazes me just how satisfying those little moments of affirmation can feel.

Nicholas and I go to mass together on Thursday mornings (when I’m not feeling wretched!). I like going to that mass with him because it’s the weekly school mass therefore the music is very kid-fun, it’s a little shorter, and there are lots of noisy kids there (though N is by far the most evangelical little Catholic in the church)! Last Thursday, as I was holding him on my left hip, Nicholas squared up belly to belly and rested his chin on my right shoulder. This position is absolutely not one that he typically initiates or tolerates. Affirming. Even more affirming – he stayed relaxed in that position for a quite a while – even through standing, sitting and kneeling adjustments!

It filled my mom bucket with wonderful affirmation. While Nicholas is certainly not in charge of meeting my emotional needs; I’m learning just how lovely such moments of grace can be in regard to fueling my mom-tank and inspiring me onward.

It also makes me want to call my parents and tell them how fantastic I think they are. I’m not responsible for meeting their emotional needs either – but, I’m not sure I was the most affirming toddler! It’s never too late…

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Party boys

Nicholas and Matt had a lovely weekend in Evansville. Matt reports that Nicholas thoroughly enjoyed playing with his cousins and generally had a very exciting time celebrating Savannah’s birthday. He even got to enjoy being held by his Mimi & Grandpa – just like the other kids! Another lovely success was that Matt didn’t think Nicholas got overstimulted. When I asked how the overstim went, Matt said, ‘It went pretty well. It wasn’t near as bad as what happened at that New Year’s party.’ He thinks the prevention strategies worked well! We live, we learn – thank goodness.

It’s excellent news for us, indeed.

I know I never really posted about N’s reaction to the Russian New Year party. I think my mom’s experience relayed to me through an e-mail exchange (my parents were at the party, too) summed it up clearly:

It's been a long time since I've seen that vacant look in his eyes…he didn't look at the crowd and for sure no eye contact. I had the feeling he was wishing everyone would go away. He focused on the lights in the ceiling. He squirmed and ran away when he got down...different than our other grandkids. I had the feeling he wanted to escape…not for fun but for survival. It was painful to see that little guy so different than we've seen him lately. I'm so glad he recovered as quickly as he did later.

I’m so glad that the boys’ road trip was a success. It’s nice to know that we can start making more regular appearances at family events!

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Oh, and my weekend of solitude was a little less fun than I was hoping it would be. Didn't feel good at all. I got a lot of sleep though!

Time for a big boy bed

Nicholas is still sleeping in our room – in a portable crib. He’s there primarily because we like having him in there, but it’s time for a change. The past week+ he’s been climbing out of bed and entertaining himself in our room accordingly. Dutifully we traipse into the room and return him to his appropriate spot.

Monday night we walked into our room to go to bed and this is what we saw:

Hilarious, yes?

Tuesday night he decided to try out my side of the bed and ended up sleeping with us (!) until ~midnight when he got a little restless. That was a first...

So, Wednesday night we just put him to bed in our bed. It didn’t last long - he actually ended up back in his crib that night. Apparently removing the power struggle works!

We are definitely taking his not-so-subtle hint that he’s ready for a big boy bed. Our plan is to just convert his crib to a toddler bed for a while and see how he does.

You just can't blame a boy for seeking comfortable sleeping accommodations!

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Fostering his addiction

Nicholas loves Sesame Street. Anytime we turn it on for him, he giggles and smiles and dives for the chair so he can rock along to the music. Sesame Street is the ONLY show (other than our various Praise Baby, Baby Babble and Baby Einstein DVDs) that Nicholas will watch intently for more than 5 minutes – and, he consistently watches it through to the end.

I love Sesame Street, too. There are so many reasons to love SS, but here are my top 3:

1. It's educational and culturally inclusive and it’s not forced.
2. It’s for grownups, too! How could one resist being impressed with the master puppeteering? And, likely because I was raised on this show myself, the music does not annoy me - even Elmo's song.
3. No commercials aside from the initial ‘~3 SPONSORs, are proud to present…’

Earlier this week it was a P-10 day. Nicholas watched intently the entire 25 minutes – humming along and giggling where appropriate. He even looked over at me to see if I was enjoying it as much as he was! I actually enjoy watching him watch Sesame Street as much as he seems to like watching the show itself.

Anyway, back to our P-10 day. At one point while observing my enthralled small one watching the penguins count to 10 as only sing-songy penguins can, I hear (and see) Nicholas join in perfect synchronization, “seven, eight, nine” then he stopped.

I was so proud of our little counter!

As for me, I have no problem allowing my child educationally entertaining television viewing opportunities. Sesame Street is a keeper.

“…on my way to where the air is sweet!”

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And, thank you for your really sweet responses to our news. In response to Anonymous' question if the baby is a girl - we have no idea - too early to tell - and, we don't intend to find out the gender until the big reveal anyway.

First time parenthood - take 2

When we reunited with Nicholas last June, I remember feeling relieved that first-time parenthood occurs only once. There was a faint, smidgen of awareness - in light of our particular struggles to create our family - that it was somewhat likely that we would find ourselves in yet another unique (to us) parenting role in the future. But, I brushed it off. When acquiring parenthood status is a struggle, fantasizing about the expanding future of one's family becomes a luxury entirely unaffordable.

That said, we have a bit of an announcement - Matt and I once again find ourselves facing first-time parenthood. Mid-August of this year, Nicholas is slated to become a big brother. We are pregnant (for the 5th time) and we have rounded out our first trimester (for the 1st time) leaving us feeling hopeful that we will get to meet this little one in the flesh.

And, to save you from certain death via curiosity, yes - this pregnancy was medically coaxed. I certainly understand that people sometimes find themselves in the unexplainable position of post-infertility / post-adoption spontaneous conception; but, alas, we are not two of them.

We are, of course, thrilled. Nicholas is, of course, oblivious. Although we've taught him to say 'baby' and pat my belly because everyone knows that the ability to articulate the word 'baby' and successfully locate it in utero renders a toddler's adjustment to said small one entirely smooth. Right?

We did speak with Arleta about this pending transition. When we first met with her last November, we asked her how our future-family planning will likely affect him. She said it's entirely unpredictable. Some kids sail through such transitions. Others struggle. But, children have to adapt to the family created around them - not the other way around. We anticipate our little adapter will struggle a bit, but we trust all three of our abilities to process through it together. Arleta was excited for all three of us. She even sat down and read a big brother book with Nicholas - he was enthralled! We need to get some of those.

Nicholas is an incredible little social mimic. We suspect having a little sib will be an interesting social experiment for him. And, we hope it provides a bit of a natural regression for him - or even some healthy competition for attention! Wouldn't that be progress?

It'll be interesting - to say the least! Life always is.

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Oh, and yes again - while I did have a nasty flu last week, this does explain 1. my general 'under the weather' in Dec/Jan, 2. why my reaction to the flu was so severe and 3. my subsequent blog-lag. I'm still struggling with nausea and am hoping to phase out of it and back into my typical self soon. We shall see.

Cleveland update - trip 2 *updated*

There’s so much!

We had a big 2 days in Cleveland. I had e-mailed Arleta in advance giving her a heads up as to all the past 3 months had entailed for us and our little man. There’s just never a dull moment in our lives. Some of that will remain private for the time being – trickling out as we’re ready.

When we sat down with her on Saturday, Matt immediately said, “We need to talk about discipline.” And, I followed weakly, “He’s driving us nuts.” She laughed! We moved on to discuss other goings-on and she was clearly using this time to observe his interactions with us.

Here are some strengths she noticed right away:
He’s more bonded / interested in us (bringing us toys, interacting in play)
He’s more vocal (babbling when he plays, communicating with words)
He’s clever and inquisitive (picks up on things quickly and seems genuinely intrigued by a ‘new’ toy)
He’s polite with his pleases and thank yous (really made me smile b/c he is so stinking polite!)
He’s more deliberate in his play and able to focus (taking his time, sticking with one toy longer than 30 seconds)
He’s funny (there were a couple of times that she turned her face away from him and laughed)

She also noticed that:
He’s controlling (manipulates interactions his way)
He’s stubborn and persistent (the forbidden is very alluring!)
He’s overtly defiant / pushing boundaries (often doing the exact opposite of what we say)
He’s still processing a lot of anger and sadness (we can see this in his little eyes so often)
He’s not attached, still far too independent in a PI “I can take care of myself” sort of way

She said, “No wonder he’s driving you crazy!” Validation, indeed.

We also did some holding with him in her office and she was very pleased with the changes. Nicholas isn’t rageful anymore. His emotional expression is quite clear and quite appropriate. He’s remarkably responsive to cognitive feeding (which I know I haven’t talked about here and I still don’t feel ready – if you go to Cleveland, you will have your unique experience of this as a family and it feels very private for the time being). He cycles himself in and out of grief expression without help from us (HUGE progress). He even – eventually – relaxes in our arms and gets playful. At this point, Nicholas is more comfortable in Matt’s arms. Arleta talked to him (Nicholas) about the fact that I am not the mama who left him. I am the mama who came to pick him up. She suggested it will take longer for him to develop this trust with me – which is certainly understandable.

Our primary issue right now pertains to role establishment and power dynamics. Nicholas doesn’t understand ‘parents’. He never had them! So, as a tiny, neglected, little infant, his beautiful brain wired itself to be self-sufficient. It was brilliant, really. And, it consistently blows my mind just how adaptive we humans can be – even at such a vulnerable age. Now, unfortunately, fascination is not my primary reaction when Nicholas is behaving badly. That would be fantastic. But, it wouldn’t be me. Me? I get frustrated, irritated, annoyed. Not so brilliantly adaptive to power trip with a 2-year-old! Sigh.

Arleta suggested a few things that we’re finding helpful.

1. Inducement – this is a psycho term referring to one person setting up a situation (with no words required) to make another person feel just what that first person is feeling. Here’s an article if you’re interested.

Nicholas seems to have a particular talent for this. Or maybe Matt and I have a particular weakness for falling into this trap! Either way, it’s a tough one around here. We’re to use our emotional regulation abilities to help Nicholas when he’s deliberately revving us up. These are times when we hold him and teach him how to better express his feelings (non-verbally – crying in out in our arms; verbally – saying “I am mad...” sad, scared, etc).

2. Paradox – presenting a win-win dynamic for us. Nicholas either chooses to comply with a request or he behaves as we want him to (“Nicholas, we have a couple of minutes before we have to leave, so go ahead and pick your nose now.”) He either listens to us – yea – or he doesn’t pick his nose – yea. This one is kind of funny, I have to admit.

3. Predict poor behavior – it’s another win-win (from a power perspective, of course). (“I’m walking out of the kitchen now, so Nicholas will probably push all the buttons on the dishwasher and turn it off and on.”) He either makes me right or he refrains from a behavior that I don’t really approve of.

4. Ignore him – requires no reaction whatsoever.

5. Joining in – requires us to engage in the behavior right along with him. (“Oh, we’re turning the light switches on and off now. Okay, well, let’s get busy.” Then saturate him with light switching on and off, on and off, on and off – well beyond the point when he’s ready to be done.)

I do realize that some of this sounds antagonistic. And, in some ways, I suppose it is – a little reverse psychology is a little condescending. But, keep in mind that when we shift our focus from shaping his behavior to establishing roles, it makes total sense. Our goal is to get rid of power struggles entirely. If we purely focus on shaping Nicholas’ behavior right now, he will continue to buck against it because he’s used to be in charge of himself. He’s not attached to us. He doesn’t understand the role variances in a parent-child relationship. It was never modeled to him. We were told that Nicholas was the ‘best baby in the orphanage.’ Subsequently, we think this means – the most independent – the one who causes us the least amount of work – the one who will find all kinds of creative ways to maintain his self-sufficiency, even when it’s no longer necessary. The best baby in the orphanage does not the easiest ‘family boy’ make!

Arleta encouraged us to be inconsistent in utilizing these interventions - shakingit up along the way. She acknowledged that it’s counterintuitive to be inconsistent in parenting (as if this entire gig isn’t a little counterintuitive?), but the consistency comes in the balance of our emotional responses to him – not our behavioral responses to his poor behavioral episodes. I hope I’m explaining this semi-clearly.

Around here, we’re trying to maintain our emotional balance while simultaneously teaching Nicholas strategies for regulating his emotional upheaval (particularly by relying on us) and teaching him how to be in a family – the rules have changed and that can be terribly frightening and confusing. When he’s being large and in charge, while we’re redirecting him we might say, “It’s hard to not be in charge. Family boys are not in charge. That’s why you have a mama & daddy now – so they can be the boss and take good care of you.” Or if he’s been told ‘no’ and is reacting harshly, he might hear, “Oh, I know. It’s so frustrating when we don’t get our way. It’s okay to have a big tantrum – show me how upset you are.” (Arelta even went as far as to get her camera out and told him she’s collecting photos of tantrums. He stopped mid wail and just glared at her!)

I do have to say – if I were not sitting in that room watching him emotionally respond to the cognitive feeding – I would not believe it were possible to connect cognitively to such a young child. It’s overwhelming, heartbreaking, hopeful and beautiful all wrap up in a single moment. Please, if you can, go! Arelta is a child-whisperer and she’s a great parent-coach. We are so thrilled that God presented this resource as soon as he did. It’s been profoundly healing for all three of us.

We also got the go-ahead to start fostering relationships with Nicholas’ grandparents. We’re excited about this. Arleta suggested, like everything, that we let things unfold progressively – in doses. None of the Grands have seen him since we’ve been back from Cleveland and I have been so sick we haven’t even talked about a game plan. But, we’d like to start with them holding him for just a few minutes at a time – keeping the kisses and lovies to an absolute minimum and reminding him who they are while he’s in their arms (ie “I’m your Mimi! Mimi loves you so much! Mimi is so happy to play with you today. Can you say Mimi?” etc etc etc). Arleta thinks this will help curtail possible role confusion. If he gets upset or hurts himself, we still need him to be redirected to us. (ie “I’m your Nana. Daddy takes care of Nicholas when he’s upset. Let’s go find Daddy.”)

We’ll also start exposing him to new environments again. In fact, next weekend Matt and Nicholas are heading down to Evansville to celebrate N’s cousin’s 5th birthday. We’ve learned from our previous over-stim experiences to try and limit the environments Nicholas is exposed to (ie. hang out at the house where he will be sleeping) and lay down with him when it’s time for naps and sleeping. The boys will have fun – as will I – home, alone with Max, catching up on 2 months’ worth of ‘just letting it slide because I don’t feel good’ tasks = an OC introvert’s dream weekend. I digress…

Progressively – we’ll have the Grands:
1. Hang out alone with Nicholas at our house
2. Do the same and put him to bed without us
3. Hang out with Nicholas alone at their house
4. Do the same and put him to bed without us (but we will ultimately spend the night there, too)
5. Let him spend the night without us

We can do all of these steps multiple times if necessary. We’ll see how Nicholas responds and what (if any) emotional backlash we deal with. So far we have only tried step 1 twice with my mom and didn’t have any issues. So, we’ll see how it goes! This will be a little easier to accommodate with my parents since they’re closer geographically. But, don’t worry St. Louis Grands, we’re committed to working up to Nicholas having alone weekends with you. It just might take us a little longer to reach that goal.

We’ll head back to see Arleta for another 2 day stint in May and from there she anticipates us taking a year off before heading back. Arleta says that until Nicholas is 4 or 5 years old, it is difficult to know if our family will be a long-term case or not. He’s too young to be diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder. And, she’s not one to blow smoke up the proverbial bum. She was pleased with our progress though – so, we’ll hold onto that good news as hope for our relationally happy future!

Let me know if you have questions. I’ve tried to recollect this experience after living in a miserable flu-inspired haze following our weekend with her. She’ll also send us a report of our time together – so, if I’ve missed anything glaring, I’ll post again when we receive that.

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Oh, and Anonymous, Nicholas is from Ekaterinburg.

*Updated to answer Anonymous' questions*

Thanks for the update! What does she recommend when a child does not do what you ask? Our daughter is the same age as Nicholas, adopted at the same time, and she is very defiant. What should her consequence be? Also, our daughter picks her nose, enough to make it bleed. I know she is doing it out of boredom, but what should we do? Thanks so much - this PI stuff is confusing!

I can't actually offer professional advice here (it goes against my code of ethics!). So, I'll let you sort through the nose picking issue on your end - I will, however, reiterate that it's entirely worth touching base with an attachment specialist (which I am not).

But, I can talk a little bit about what she recommended we do when Nicholas doesn't follow directions. Arleta is not a believer in 2nd chances. She says he either responds the first time, or the object of defiance is immediately removed until he's capable of taking us seriously. We have a little issue with N standing on the table and chairs he got for Christmas. The rule here is that he must be on his knees or his bottom in the chair and, of course, off the table entirely. So, we might say, "Nicholas, get down. Sit on your knees or your bottom." 99.9% of the time, he just looks at us - pushing the boundary to see how far we'll go. Our m.o. has always been to say it again with more irritation and elevation in our voice (brilliant, yes?)! Clearly ineffective. Arleta says, just get up and put the table and chairs away - for 2 weeks minimum. Nicholas needs to learn that when we give him a direction, we mean business. There's no need for our blood to boil. He's the one who should be upset with a natural consequence when he doesn't follow directions. And, he is! Hope this helps.