I wrote the following ‘attachment musings’ over three months ago. I didn’t post it then because the timing didn’t feel right. In the meantime, we’ve been well validated and better educated in dealing with our concerns. So, since I’m inspired to write an attachment progress report, I thought I’d start with my retro rantings in order to set the scene…
Attachment musings (September 2008)
It is my m.o. to ‘cope’ intellectually – as if the more I inundate myself with information, the safer I’ll feel. This is ironic of course, because the more I learn, the more clarity I process about just how little I actually know. It’s a curse of the information age, I’m afraid. Intellectualizing a struggle is a defense mechanism. I know that to be true in the ways that I do it. I had a therapist when I was in grad school say to me, “Hey, we call them defense mechanisms for a reason!” I loved that. Sometimes, it’s simply a-okay to be a little defended.
However, I find little man’s presence in my life is interrupting my ability to stay in my head. I have felt very raw, exposed, and vulnerable since he came home. I don’t intend to communicate this as a negative. It just is – my new reality, I guess. I’m finding it more and more painful to love him. Yet, I’m finding myself loving him more and more deeply with each passing moment. It feels cliché – love hurts. But, I don’t think it’s the love that hurts. It’s the love that connects me to the pain – and that part really hurts.
Sometimes Nicholas parent-shops. Sometimes he’s clingy. Sometimes he offers brief moments of eye contact. Other times he glares in anger. And sometimes, a vacant, institutional look envelops his eyes. Sometimes he rages and resists being held. Other times he snuggles right into my neck – sucking his thumb and gripping my t-shirt. Sometimes Nicholas runs across the room to me with open arms and a shriek. Sometimes I get the feeling that he’s entirely apathetic to my presence. Nicholas too readily turns around and walks away from me in public, never looking back. Sometimes he likes to be fed. Other times he resists this to the end. Sometimes he likes to rock. Sometimes he cries until I stand up and walk with him. Sometimes Nicholas calls out when he’s hurting. Usually, he brushes it off. Sometimes I think he trusts that we’re sticking around. Sometimes I think he’s horribly confused. Sometimes I think he’s angry and grieving and terrified. Other times he’s innocent and peaceful and playful.
Typical toddler? I can see this somewhat. But, the fact remains that the etiology of Nicholas’ behaviors is atypical. He’s not a typical toddler. He’s not attached to us. Please trust me that we’d know the difference. How do you teach a toddler who has been exclusively abandoned by and/or taken away from the most significant adults in his life (including us on multiple occasions), what parents are, what parents do, that parents are forever? Why would he possibly believe that? He’s a clever boy. And, he's learned that adults are unreliable, unhealthy, unpredictable, unavailable, un-darn-near-everything that he needed us to be through his most vulnerable 18 months of life.
That’s the pain. As I grow to love him more and more (and, I do – oh my goodness, I do) – my awareness of his disconnect becomes more and more acute. I think there is a ton of hope for Nicholas in his relationships with us. I believe fully that we can facilitate ‘healing’ for him (in whatever version God will give us access to). I just don’t believe that “lots of love” will ever be enough. And, as my heart fills with “lots of love”, it breaks for its inherent inadequacy.
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I’m glad I didn’t post that months ago. I have a number of posts written which have not yet (and may never) arrive here. Timing is important, indeed. And, I’m glad I gave this one some time to percolate. The acuity of emotion behind this is still very raw for me. I imagine that will ebb and flow over time with the changing nature of my relationship as Nicholas’ Mama. But, for now, it’s still acute – and through this intense emotion, I feel God working in me. So, I sit with it.
The updates:
Nicholas has had a most incredible week. Matt and I have marveled at the changes in him. Words, words, words abound. And, his newfound communication skills seem to have inspired a general sense of confidence in our little man. He babbles, talks, screeches. He's really starting to take up space as only a 2-year-old can and it signifies such healing in him - we are amazed.
We spent Christmas Eve at my parent’s and Nicholas was over stimulated – no doubt about it. A couple of times I had to grab him and hold him tight – forcing eye contact to ground him a bit. And, it worked! We watched Nicholas have his first real child-child interaction with his 3.5 year old cousin, Alex. She asked, “Nicholas do you want to crawl through the table?” and he responded, “Yea” and proceeded to crawl through the bottom of the table to her! NEVER have we seen this quality of interaction from him. He’s typically observant, but entirely disengaged. And, sure, 90% of the day he was disengaged, but these moments of breakthrough are so beautiful to us.
Moreover – and more significantly – Nicholas’ interactions with us are morphing in heartwarming ways. Prior to attachment facilitation, Nicholas would arch his back and scream rageful, red-faced screams when we held him in a cradle position. He could scream like this for the better part of an hour or longer – he just could not tolerate the intimacy and dependency this position creates. Following some great coaching in Cleveland (~6 weeks ago), Nicholas’ holding experiences have tamed down to nary a whimper. He actually interacts with us and we have some playful moments with him. Sometimes he fusses, which we don’t inhibit; but there is a significant difference between rageful screaming and fussing! It’s hard to believe just how quickly he’s been able to process his anger, sadness and grief by deliberately facilitating some structured opportunities for him. In just 6-wks he's gone from processing holding as intolerable to tolerable to somewhat pleasant.
We’ve spent the past 2 days in our pjs (for the most part) playing with Christmas gifts and Nicholas has been remarkably relaxed. He received this kitchen, a little piano and a giraffe puppet. He's such an excited and gracious receiver! LOVES his kitchen - more pictures to come...
Today he brought his puzzle over to Matt and sat on his lap putting in one piece, then running back into his playroom to grab another piece, jumping up on Matt’s lap to put it in and repeating the process (The puzzle bday gift was brilliant! Thank you! Nicholas is just mastering the concept and is so tickled with himself, cheering 'Yea!' when he completes it). We love seeing this kind of Nicholas-initiated-interactive play. It’s just not his typical, independent m.o. It's such a profound change.
He’s also become affectionate with us – physically and verbally:
He’s learned to give squeezes when we request them, so now we’re experiencing actual hugs, with his arms wrapped around our necks.
The past couple of days he has independently been telling us that he loves us (not just mimicking us when we say it). Oh my goodness, I cannot articulate the sheer melt that I experience when I hear him say ‘Ah do’ (translation: I love you).
He’s begun walking up to us and just laying his precious head on our knee to pretend a 'nigh nigh'.
Or jumping up in our laps to grab a quick snuggle.
And, he is no longer fussing when we remind him that 'family boys' don't need their thumb; they have a Mama and Daddy to comfort them. He just takes it out of his mouth - as if he's working on breaking a habit as opposed to reacting to the removal of a life-line.
These instances are HUGE around here. And, we are deeply enjoying the sweetness that he is offering to us.
It is, most definitely, the greatest Christmas gift we could have received.
Attachment is beginning around here – for all of us. We’re already looking forward to our late-January update with Arleta.
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But, shortly the Christmas morning excitement overtook him!
This is the scene Nicholas walked into his first Christmas home...
The food was a Christmas gift to Nicholas from his great-Aunt-Brenda! He also got a pizza from Nana & Papa. When Mimi & Grandpa come next weekend, his kitchen will be complete with a table & chairs! We're looking forward to seeing you guys!
Like father, like son - Nicholas waked immediately to the sink and did some dishes!
You can kind of make out his giraffe puppet hanging out of his stocking on the end.
And, yes, Max received a couple of stuffers in his stocking as well. Both indestructible toys were praticically demolished by our sweet angel within hours (made by kong). Dog-people, if you have any toy suggestions for us, we'll take them. Max even tears through Galileo bones, which are hard as a rock! Oh well, he really loves getting a new toy!
The masterpiece
Have I mentioned that I adore this beautiful animal?
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