Mama-Daddy team approach

Tammy asked:
Was your counselor pro only the mother doing the care giving or the mother AND father? Just curious. My sister-in-law heard from someone (you know how that is) that only the mother should care for the PI child for the first 6 weeks. I had heard mother and father care for the child. Which books do you recommend reading. I have "holding time" and "toddler adoption"

If the ‘toddler adoption’ book you’re talking about is ‘The weaver’s craft’ – I really liked that one! I have a list of adoption-related reads here with asterisks next to the 5 I liked the best along the way. Since I posted that, I have also read ‘The boy who was raised as a dog’ and LOVED it – I highly recommend it and intend to re-read it. I’ve also read ‘Love and logic’ again because Arleta suggested it and I find that one remarkably helpful as well. And, I’m in the midst of ‘Parenting your internationally adopted child’, which is dense. I’m reading it more like a reference book – just picking and choosing sections as I’m interested in them. So far, I’m pleased with it.

I have also read Martha Welch’s ‘Holding time’ book. The holding we’re doing with Nicholas is not exactly what she describes. In fact, I found her to be pretty radical – but, her book was written almost 20 years ago so it’s important to keep that in context. Welch says only mothers should do the holding. Arleta says that while that may be ideal – it’s simply not practical. And, to be honest, I don’t know why it ‘might be ideal’ – didn’t ask because it’s not happening here. While we were in Cleveland, Matt actually did most of the holding because he didn’t feel as comfortable and appreciated the coaching from Arleta.

Regarding care (other than holding), Arleta was very happy to hear that Nicholas was getting equal alone time with Matt and me (Matt works from home the 2 days a week I work outside the house). Nicholas has 2 parents and needs opportunities to attach to both of us. So, no, she didn’t suggest that it would have been better for Nicholas had I done all the care for his first 6 weeks home.

Hope this helps, Tammy! Congrats to your state champ!

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Nicholas' extended American family

On his daddy’s side he has his Mimi & Grandpa, 2 aunts & 2 uncles, 6 cousins (5 older, 1 younger), Mo (his great-maternal-grandmother), and additional extended aunts, uncles & cousins.

On his mama’s side he has his Nana & Papa, 2 aunts & 2 uncles, 5 cousins (3 older, 2 younger), Grammy & Grandpa (his great-paternal-grandparents) and additional extended aunts, uncles & cousins as well.

These are his legal family members, of course – he also has quite an extended family in the amazing individuals whom we are blessed to call friends.

The question was – how did we educate and comfort our families regarding what we need them to do / not to do both upon arrival home and post-therapy? It’s a good question, Joy! Thanks for giving me some direction.

I’d have to say that our entirely unplanned strategy has been to fill them in along the way – as we have become more and more educated ourselves, we've shared with them what we've learned. My mom and I talk everyday (yep, I’m one of those) and she’s relayed important information along to my dad. And, I know Matt has been communicating with his parents along the way as well (though he is not an everyday'er!).

For one, each and every one of our family members (immediate and extended) have been invited to read along with this blog. Not all of them do (I can hardly imagine my brothers sitting down at their computer with the sole intent of soaking up my emotional rantings!), but they’ve all been included each step of the way – and they’ve each determined in what capacity they are most available to follow along.

Mostly, I felt like this blog would be a good forum for us to educate our parents. The 4 of them are the most important support we’ve solicited in our parenting of Nicholas anyway. And, we’ve been pretty clear with them (at least I’ve been brutally clear with my mom – who is lovely and supportive and patient) that fostering grandparent relationships for Nicholas is not even remotely on the radar right now. He will simply NEVER have healthy relationships with them if he cannot navigate a healthy relationship with us. In fact, we went to a grandparent and adoption seminar and the instructor suggested that for newly adoptive families, the grandparent role really should be all about taking care of their babies – the new mom and dad – not their new grandchild.

So, it may sound more callous than it actually feels, but the no-hold and no-care rules have not inspired guilt on our parts. The three of us are still making up for lost time. The three of us were / are more emotionally devastated by the losses we’ve each suffered on our paths to each other than anyone else around us. We need time to heal – time to attach – time to create an ‘us’ that works for us. There’s nothing to apologize for in asking our families to understand that our circumstances are unique and that had they been different, of course we would have LOVED for them to hold and love on our sweet Nicholas. Who could ever question that we would have LOVED for Nicholas' trauma and loss circumstances to be different?

We have also (which I believe they already know; if not they do now!), decided to withhold various details of Nicholas’ history from our families. I’ve said it here before, but the reality is, Nicholas’ story is Nicholas’ story and Matt and I are just keeping it safe for him until he figures out what he’d like to do with it. Certainly our parents know more of his story than most – and, we want them to be open to talking with him about his birth family, his life in the orphanage, his adoption process, etc. But, some things are just for mamas & daddies to share with their little ones – so, we’re keeping those for now.

We’ve tried to be clear that the decisions we’re making are not intended to be hurtful to anyone. They’re exclusively intended to be helpful for Nicholas and for us. Arleta actually spoke with us at length about families who are outright rejected by their extended families for steps they’re taking to foster attachment. We have not experienced that at all, thank goodness. I'm sure that those around us question what we're doing and don't 'agree' with our decisions. But, I imagine that those around us would question what we were doing if we were raising a biological child with no PI struggles! No one will agree with our parenting decisions 100% of the time. And, we certainly don't parent to please others. This is our gig – we get to do it our way.

Hopefully our families take comfort in the fact that Matt and I are on the same page and we feel good about our co-parenting and the help we are seeking for Nicholas. We’re sure as heck not flying by the seat of our pants here! And, at a minimum, I can’t imagine anyone questioning that we have Nicholas’ best interest in mind in ALL decisions that we make on his behalf.

While we were still in Cleveland, Matt was on the phone with his mom and mentioned that Arleta told us to quit letting Nicholas give kisses to anyone but us and her response was, “I wondered if we should be doing that!”

So, the reality is – they get it. I know they don’t enjoy it. I think our moms would love nothing more than to scoop our little man up and shower him with love. But, because they love him – they’re waiting. And, we deeply appreciate it.

Matt and I are the first in our immediate family to adopt and we are the first ever in our families to adopt internationally / post-institutionally. It’s all new to our families. We feel that we’re paving new ground here and we want to do it in a way that respects everyone’s feelings while prioritizing only Nicholas’ needs. It's a balancing act for us. Sometimes, like holidays, 'typical' looks really nice and it's easy to feel jealous. Thursday my entire family passed around Nicholas' 2 younger cousins and they just can't do that with him. Luckily, they're willing to squat down on the floor and play with him. But, it's not the same - not for any of us. And, in my heart, it front-and-centers his woundedness. Maybe it front-and-centers mine.

Ah, but I'm thinking the human psyche's quest for 'typical' is a different post entirely - and, maybe I'll just leave that one to a different author!

Wow. I guess I had a lot to say about that! Thanks for asking, Joy - you caught me during N's naptime! I watch your blog daily – anticipating your pending good news. You’ve sure done your fair share of waiting.

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2 weeks later

It’s been almost two weeks since we trekked home from Cleveland. It feels longer than that - possibly because we've seen changes in our little man that we expected to take much longer! We anticipate receiving Arleta’s assessment and report about our experience within the week.

In the meantime, we’ve been simultaneously ‘doing more of the same’ and ‘changing things up’ around here.

Here’s a list of what she told us to continue as is:

1. Sleeping in our room (eventually working up to him being able to tolerate laying in the bed with us to snuggle and/or actually fall asleep while in physical contact with us)

2. Bottle time (good for parental control and eye contact opportunities)

3. Maintain the ‘no hold’ rule for a minimum of 6 months home and afterward only when ‘someone who knows what they’re talking about’ okays it. We'll readdress this with her in February.

4. Avoid overnights (if an overnight is necessary – prep him for a minimum of 3 weeks in advance – I’ll post more info about this below).

5. Continue parent-only feeding, bathing, dressing, putting to bed / getting out of bed, diaper changing, holding – basically all care behaviors.

6. Baby massage – particularly the belly rubs that he is enjoying more and more! Arleta loved that.

Things we were encouraged to change, address and/or emphasize:

1. When over-nighting, we’re to prepare him with pictures for the 3 weeks leading up – emphasizing that we will be coming home and that we are not moving him again (which is what she thinks he reacted to in Evansville and again in Cleveland - she reminded us that he's accustom to being moved and darn-it, he doesn't like it! She did say that it's unlikely he's overly concerned about losing us at this point b/c while he might be fond of us, he's not attached and that particular feeling comes with a safe attachment, not a trauma bond. He may be concerned about replacing us quickly - afterall, if we're not around he'll need someone to take care of him - but, he's not likely concerned about missing us terribly = big difference emotionally)

2. Discipline = immediate, natural consequences (ie – he won’t follow directions to sit on his bottom on the couch, he immediately loses the privilege of sitting on the couch with us).

3. No time-outs – only behavioral redirection. Arleta’s direct quote was, ‘He was in time-out for 18 months. It’s not an effective discipline for these kids.’

4. Address his control issues with food – make him say please rather than pointing and grunting or pointing and saying ‘na’

5. Redirect self-soothing behaviors (thumb sucking, etc)

6. No kissing or blowing kisses to anyone other than us

7. Start leaving him for small periods of time – with the same person – to teach him that we leave and return

So, we’re continuing what we’re supposed to continue. And, we’re addressing those things we were challenged to address:

1. We haven’t over-nighted yet, but when we do, we’ll make him a detailed picture book and talk him through it: getting in the car (picture) and driving to visit Mimi & Grandpa (picture) at their house (picture). We will all eat (picture), sleep (picture) and play (picture) together until we get in the car (picture) and drive home (picture) to your toys (picture), your bed (picture), your dog (picture)…get the idea? We need to send list of picture needs to our P’s. She suggested we do this even for daytrips if he’ll be napping somewhere other than his own house.

2. Natural consequences work. He doesn’t like them. Now in fairness, he is a toddler and he is testing, testing, testing our boundaries. And, given we are raising a monkey we’re required to get creative with the natural consequences. The first week home our living room was darn near table-less. When he's really showing his behavioral-bum, we interrupt it by holding him and giving him feeling words - that seems to slow things down for him significantly.

3. We have quit time-outs entirely - though we have mostly only used time-ins. We’re exclusively redirecting him at this point and have witnessed some interesting changes. Since we quit giving him time-outs, Nicholas has begun seeking more alone time – sitting in his toy box – with the lid down. Sad, yes? But, really really cute! We think he’s timing himself out. Actually, we think that particular choice of discipline was reinforcing his behavior, not redirecting it.

4. Boy did this one tick him off initially. We saw some angry Nicholas when we would tell him ‘no’ and make him use words. Initially we’d give him 2 chances and if he chose to tantrum (his choice entirely), we put away whatever he was asking for. Our floors got some Nicholas rage as a result. In just one week, however, he started using his words and his language is EXPLODING! Plus, he’s so tickled from a cause and effect perspective: I make a polite request and I get what I want. It’s a win-win. Now we hear (repeating us, of course), ‘more cracker to eat, please’, which really sounds something like this, ‘MO cracKER oo eeeT, ee’ (for those of you who do not yet speak Nicholas). He’s even started asking for movies (moo) and music (nuna). Of course, he doesn’t get to watch a movie every time he asks which he takes out on the floor as well (better the floor than the Mama and Daddy! Arleta was pleased with his gentleness in general.). But, we turn the music on anytime he asks for it. And, he follows up with a very lovely, 'ta tu.'

5. I feel like I mentioned this one earlier. He is allowed to have his thumb when he’s in bed or in the carseat. Other than that, we want him receiving soothing from us. He gets this, but has a tough time with it (fair enough). His sweet little, calloused thumb was a lifeline for him through his very lonely, understimulated babyhood. And, now, he uses it to soothe when he’s tired, frustrated, bored, etc and you can really see him grappling with his strong desire to have it versus his awareness that he’s not supposed to. We don’t discipline this – we just take it out of his mouth, telling him that he doesn’t need his thumb now that he has his Mama and Daddy, then we give him lots of gentle lovies. He fusses about it still, but is much better about snuggling into us when we remind him. Now sometimes he'll even snuggle into us with both arms down at his sides!

6. Interestingly, we’re guilty of fostering this. Arleta says there’s just no reason for it and it confuses attachment. So, he’s waving ‘nigh nigh’ and ‘bye bye’ these days!

7. Ahhh! We haven’t done this. We really need to do this soon. Our plan is to leave him for ~30 minutes the first time to see how he does and gradually build up to longer periods of time periodically (per her suggestion). Obviously, when we leave him, we’ll have to waive the no-care rule for that time period. Arleta said, ‘Just remind whoever you leave him with that it’s not an opportunity to get their needs met by holding and kissing all over him! Ask them to sit on the floor and play with him – see how that goes initially.’

I still want to sit down and write about the language immersion she taught us as well as the ‘family’ tips she gave us to help foster Nicholas’ sense of belonging.

I will also talk about our experiences of holding with Nicholas eventually. It has provided powerful healing opportunities in our little family and I want to discuss it in a way that honors the emotional fragility of all 3 of our experiences while at the same time accurately describing what is occurring while we’re doing it. So, it may be a while!

I’ve wanted to get this post up for a while now, but we've had a lot going on the past couple of weeks. I’m thinking if you have questions it may be easier for me to know what to post about our experience. So, please don’t hesitate. I am a fan of vicarious therapy – if our experience can be helpful to you – ask away.

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Thankful - for it all

I’m thankful for my husband and the foundation that we have worked hard to create in our marriage.

Therefore, I’m thankful that God left me in the single life well beyond my desire to be there.

I’m thankful for my son and this amazing gift of motherhood.

Therefore, I’m thankful for infertility – for the roadblocks and delays – for the long and arduous walk down God’s perfect path for creating this little family of three (plus Max!).

I’m thankful for my parents and my brothers and the families they have woven into the original five.

Therefore, I’m thankful for the challenges and blessings that shaped my childhood and that ultimately shaped really cool relationships with the 4 people who will always have ‘known me when’.

I’m thankful for my sweet, sweet Max! He is truly an angel disguised as a black lab.

Therefore, I’m thankful that I grieved sweet, sweet Linus (and I’m so thankful that he was in my life that very transient year and a half).

I’m thankful for my job(s) – I love what I do.

Therefore, I’m thankful that I delayed adulthood an additional / unnatural 6 years of my life while I singly focused on the stressors of graduate school.

I am thankful for my family & friends – in law family, immediate family, extended family, family by birth, family by adoption, long-time friends, new friends, in real life friends, and friends I have connected with online.

Therefore, I’m thankful that the Lord has orchestrated social-relational opportunities for me to both make and lose loved ones.

I am thankful that I am safe, that I am loved, that I am healthy, that I am hopeful and that I have a really great life.

Thank you, Lord.

In life / in struggle, you have blessed me beyond measure.

I am so thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

We are so stoked to be celebrating this very special 'first' with our Nicholas.

Today is Nicholas' 5 month-adoption day. Five months ago today we stood in front of Judge Soboleva in Ekaterinburg and became a party-of-three.

...five months for which we are so so thankful!

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No longer unkempt

While Matt and I tend to prefer the unkempt look for ourselves, we want you all to have the impression that grooming is ultra-important to us by keeping our small fry appropriately coifed. I LOVE his curls though - so, shaggy-Nicholas lovers don't despair. We have every intention of keeping his hair on the long-ish side. He needed a trim to keep that steady growth though (and to tame some of his runaway scraggles), so we trekked over to one of those kiddo cut places today and introduced Nicholas to his very first haircut (I even have hair clippings).

Pre-haircut looking all adorable in his Cookie Monster t-shirt

Can anyone guess what's on the TV? (This should not be a shocker knowing our little man)

During his cut!

After the cut! You can't see his remaining curl in this picture - but, they're there - I promise!

It's not always easy to wake up.

And, our little Max is ALWAYS in the mix :)

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10th & 25th percentiles

Nicholas' 23 month measurements are:

33.5 inches (25th percentile)
24 lbs (10th percentile)

Jan was the closest guess with 24.5 lbs!

Good growing, Nicholas!

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Little turkey

Nicholas had his 2-yr ped appt yesterday and got 2 vaccinations and a flu shot. He's such a trooper. He screamed appropriately - cried momentarily - and clung onto his proud mama on our way out the door.

Dr. Hodson was pleased with his health. He's growing and gaining weight!

In fact, our little turkey is now heavier than the Thanksgiving turkey we ordered to feed 14 adults and 6 kiddos.

Any guesses at his weight? (Hint: his last weigh in = 20.5lbs)

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23-months-old

Our little man is one month shy of 2-years-old! Wow!

Tonight after work, Matt was laying on the floor (playing with and loving on Max) and Nicholas walked over to him and sat on his belly. He so rarely seeks us out; much less without any initiation on our parts; much less overtly interacting with us; much less including physical touch - this was just really cool to see / experience.

Arleta assessed that Nicholas 'uses' and 'dismisses' us too consistenly. He will seek us out (others have seen this and assumed it communicates attachment or even interest on his part) if he needs or wants something (ie: hold me so I can turn on the fan and watch it spin). He's just using us because we're big and can do more things than he can. And, subsequently, he dismisses us entirely. In her office in Cleveland, he would pick up a toy to play with and would walk across the room from Matt and me, face away from us and play alone - not once did he initiate seeking us out and interacting with us in play.

That's why it's so incredibly cool to watch him basically hop on his Daddy's tummy, entirely un-provoked to have a Nicholas-initiated moment of interactive play.

Break-through moments are so celebrated around here!

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Sign language lessons

Today we were watching the Baby Einstien 'My First Signs' video and Nicholas looked at me and said, 'eeeT' (big emphasis on the 't'). It was, I believe, his first T!

We were sitting on the floor in front of the couch together and when they got to the 'Daddy' sign, he looked at me and said, 'Dada' while simultaneously crossing his arms over his chest with a very serious face.

That really is a better sign for Daddy around here!

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The great PIA toy removal of 2008

Nicholas self-soothes through spinning, rocking, and thumb sucking. We spoke with Arleta about this quite a bit. Federici sums these behaviors up as 'post-institutional autism' (PIA). Basically the behaviors look a lot like the self-soothing / stimming behaviors those with autism engage in, but with a different etiology and a different prognosis (if treated).

When our little man is overstimulated (which is fairly often), he has 4 predictable target behaviors to soothe himself:
1. he fixates on a ceiling fan, points and oooo's
2. he spins the wheels on toys (any toy, any wheel, always spinning!)
3. he rocks his head back and forth (laying down and/or sitting up)
4. he sucks his thumb

It's brilliant really. When sweet Nicholas was an infant, too many of his basic human contact needs went unmet. He had very little loving, affectionate interaction with adults; he wasn't held as often he should have been / needed to be; and he likely fed himself a bottle as soon as he was old enough to maneuver the bottle being propped up next to him (if it fell over, he mostly likey remained hungry).

His infant brain basically wired itself to self-soothe. Adults were unreliable. They weren't available. They certainly weren't consistent. But he was. The fan above his crib was. His thumb was always there when he needed it and from a very early age, his head was always available to rock back and forth when things were just to understimulating - which was often.

We are actively working to rewire his brain from one who can only receive soothing from himself to one who can receive soothing from his Mama and Daddy. (If you're even remotely interested in this, I strongly encourage you to read 'The boy who was raised as a dog' - excellent book about brain development and the ramifications of early neglect / abuse.)

So,

1. We're ignoring his ceiling fan perseveration entirely (please join us in not reinforcing his adorable but unhealthy struggle)
2. all of the spin-able toys have been packed up and put away. That was a lot of toys!
3. & 4. Nicholas is now regularly hearing, "No thumb (or no rocking), you have a Mama and Daddy now. You don't need a thumb." (Of course, when we say this, we're also redirecting him and giving him lovies.)

Tonight at dinner Matt asked, "So, are you seeing any progress?" To which I inquired, "Since when?" He laughed and said, "Since Saturday!"

Nope - not yet :)

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Just pictures

Elevator genius...

Like father...

...like son!

Bathtime is the cure for a cranky day

A little water + a lot of toys = a happy Nicholas!

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Validation -v- What we wanted to hear

We felt validated during our three days in Cleveland. There is a very big difference, however, between being validated and being told what you want to hear.

Validation requires putting a context around our reality – which, of course, requires one to believe us, respect our reality and take a glimpse into our world without the rose colored glasses of denial. Matt and I do not have the luxury of denial (though it looks and sounds really nice) because we have a human being in our care whose history simply cannot be minimized without setting him up for painful struggles down the road.

Validation is what we experienced with Arleta – she believed us, she respected our reality, she saw what we experience behind the scenes, she made sense of our struggle and she gave us glimpses of hope for Nicholas’ future.

Telling us what we would love to be our parenting truth would sound something like this:

Nicholas will be just fine!
Don't overreact. You need to give him more time to adjust.
He’s just doing what 2-year-olds do.
All he needs is a lot of love to make up for what he missed.
Don’t be so strict with him. Surely he doesn’t understand you.
He won’t remember any of this anyway.
He’s so young, there’s no way he’ll struggle like an older child would.
He’s so cute. I bet he got lots of love and attention in the orphanage.
You and Matt are great parents – just follow your instincts.

Yep, that would be fantastic. It’s just not reality – not ours, not Nicholas’, and according to Arleta not 99.9% of PI kiddo’s and their family's reality.

Nicholas has a boat load of strengths. Many of them I have posted about along the way, but a few Arleta picked out as great prognostic traits. He’s bright. He’s social. He’s remarkably observant of the people in his environment. He’s a mimic – particularly with his Daddy (no pressure Matt!). His receptive language is above and beyond where she expected it to be at this point – he really does understand everything we are saying to him – including our expectations of his behavior.

In fact, when we were leaving on Saturday morning, Arleta’s parting-therapeutic words to us were, “You’re probably going to see some pretty major tantrums from him as you start consistently enforcing 'no' and taking the control away from him.” Nicholas, who was walking hand in hand with his Daddy just a couple of steps in front of Arleta and me, turned around and gave her a big smile! (One of the first smiles he gave her, I might add – he is not her biggest fan!)

There are a few things that we are deliberately addressing with Nicholas as a result of our time in Cleveland. I intend to post about each of them individually over the next few weeks as Matt and I continue to collect our thoughts. But, here’s a quick overview:

Attachment (takes a minimum of 12 months from arrival home)
Redo 1st year of life
Cause & effect learning
Emotional regulation
Emphasize expectations & natural consequences
Speech therapy
Begin leaving him for short periods (ideally with same person each time)
Emotional and ‘family’ language immersion
Holding / processing grief = mad, sad, scared
Ease transitions through advanced prep with pictures

We will receive a summary report from her in a week or two. If I’ve forgotten anything (which seems highly likely given the inundation of information we experienced), I’ll add it later.

We are following up with her in February. Looks like Cleveland, OH will be our family vacation spot for a while. Good thing the Marriott has a pool – I will not forget our bathing suits next time.

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4 months home & cool Cleveland extras

Nicholas flew home from Russia 4 months ago today.

What is it about time warping? It feels like yesterday. But, I can't believe he's only been here 4 months.

Sweet baby Nicholas, we're so glad you're here with us!

I also wanted to share a couple of cool experiences we've had in the midst of Nicholas' unfun over-stim behaviors these past few days:

1. After twice watching us hit the elevator button outside our room; for the remainder of our hotel exits, Nicholas would trot right out into the hallway (when we weren't holding him, of course) and hit the down arrow for the elevator! Brilliant!

And, second, but certainly not least...

2. For the very first time this weekend, he's started saying 'I love you' (lu oo) in response to us saying it to him. Of course, he has absolutely no idea what that truly means emotionally (and the odds are nill that he actually feels that for us - given we are, according to Arleta, just 'care providers at a nicer orphanage' to him at this point) but it's still really cool to hear!

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Little Swimmer

Nicholas' long shorts

Improvising with safety pins!

Swimming with Daddy!

Blowing kisses to Mama!

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Muddy minds / Healing hearts

It's kind of funny, really. Before we left on Wednesday, I was convinced that Nicholas would come here, 'behave as expected' of a home grown almost-2-year-old, and Arleta would look at us with confusion and ask us what we're so concerned about. I actually felt a little anxious about this potential (likely no thanks to Dr. E's harsh judgment of my psychologist-ways).

Needless to say (to any rational human being reading along), that anticipated little scenario has not played out here in Cleveland.

Nicholas has 'behaved as expected' of a grieving, traumatized, post-institutionalized almost-2-year-old and Arleta has been lovely - through and through. I wish I could eloquently articulate how immensely proud of our little man we are. He has been one amazing little trooper here. He is a resourceful little survivor - such a blessing in surviving his earliest days; such a struggle for him now that he doesn't have to just 'survive' anymore.

Our first stab at family therapy (and, I reference 'first' there only because there is zero doubt in either of our minds that we will be back here through the years - beginning in 2009) has been intense - intensely validating, intensely emotional, intensely hopeful, intensely frightening, intensely educational, intensely painful. Intense.

We're learning tons. And, right now, we both feel pretty muddy cognitively. It's just a lot to process and neither of us can figure out how to explain our take-away. One of these days I will figure out what and how to post about this experience, but for now my husband-of-few-words has summed it up perfectly:

Boy, I am so glad we came here. We've got a long road ahead of us still.

I agree with him on both accounts. Our experience here has been healing - for all three of us. We do have a road ahead of us. Little man's early neglect has left an indelible mark on his sweet / angry / grieving psyche - and, wow, can he express that! Arelta told us that his willingness to express his mad, sad, glad and scared feelings is enormously healthy in that 1. he is emotionally connected and 2. he is trusting us enough to play it out.

I know that in my head - I experience it professionally all the time. But, it has been so healing for my heart to hear it from Arleta - someone who gets it, gets us, gets our experiences, and gets our process / needs.

We will leave here tomorrow armed with strategies, information, resources, and emotional validation - tools that every parent needs at some point or another - tools that we need right now.

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In & about

We arrived safe and sound ~8:30p last night. Nicholas was a trooper on our 5hr+ jaunt in the car. He did sleep, but only for ~40 minutes. We spent the last hour of the drive entertaining him actively so he wouldn't go to sleep and he was a serious fuss budget by the time we arrived at the hotel. By 9p we were checked in and our little man was out like a light - even though all the lights in the room were on!

Not shockingly, we woke up to Mr. Overstim - so we bagged our plans to go to the Children's Museum this morning and instead, after breakfast, drove over to Kmart to buy some shorts for Matt & Nicholas so they can swim in the hotel pool - which they are doing as I type. We forgot swimsuits (big bummer) and it's not quite as easy to improvise the women's swim apparel, so I'm going to sit here and grade assignments while they swim.

Speaking of improvising apparel - the smallest shorts we could find for Nicholas were 4/5. Tonight I'll post a picture of how we made that work!

After the swim, we will eat lunch in the room, Nicholas will nap early and we'll leave ~3p for our 3:30-6:30p appt with Arleta. I'll try to post again tonight - but, if you don't hear from me, don't stress. Matt and I may need some time to debrief.

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Pictures for the road

Very nifty that I can set this up to post while we're driving on Wednesday, yes?

I'm leaving you with some Nicholas cuteness...

Yea, Nicholas! (clapping his hands)

By the time this posts - we hope to see this beautiful sight...

A dilemma?

There's a Max and a Nicholas in this picture. Can you find them?

It's fun to be small!

(And, only a true cutie pie could pull off the white onesie / red fuzzi bunz fashion statement!)

Paka paka! (Bye-bye!)

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The big trip

We leave for Cleveland tomorrow ~2p - hoping that little man will nap in the car. Please pray that we have safe travels, validating therapy, and practical psychoed. We're excited, a little apprehensive, and very hopeful.

Mostly - it will be nice to get away as a family for the first time.

Here are your answers to the quiz:

ah duh / all done
nuna / music (this one was hard!)
dah! / down! (to Max when he's begging)
ah & ah / on & off
ta tu / thank you

Well done loyal Nicholas fans!

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Nicholas speak quiz

ah duh
nuna
dah! (forcefully)
ah & ah
ta tu

These are 6 words that we hear around here ALL THE TIME!

Just curious to see how many are detectable.

Any guesses?

I'll post the answers in a few days!

Winner gets to be smug - judgment free.

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Snuggles & catsup

Nicholas asked for this snuggle on Tuesday evening. I was laying on the couch with Max (who also asked for this snuggle) when Nicholas walked up with a smile and said, 'Up?' And, he snuggled with me for quite a little while. Three emotional buckets filling up through one cozy couch snuggle = a perfect moment.

Yesterday Nicholas and I ran errands for nearly 4 hours (ugh). Nicholas really was a trooper and he even fell asleep in the car for ~30 minutes on our way to the Social Security Admin to apply for his card. I got my hair cut today and on the way home, he fell asleep again for a few minutes and I had to wake him up when we got home. This really is huge for him and it communicates that he is less overstimulated in the car, he's relaxing more and his startle response is tapering down a bit. Makes a mama happy.

Back to yesterday, when we got home ~1p he was tired and hungry so I stripped him down and put him in his booster seat with some hotdogs and catsup and proceeded to unload the groceries from the car. Nicholas really interacted with his catsup! You'll see it on his hands, arms, belly, mouth, nose, cheeks, and hair. In fact, last night as I was getting him ready for bed, I found some dry catsup on his thigh!

After his sink bath he slept soundly the remainder of the afternoon!

We had a nice day together. I am really enjoying him lately - fussiness, tantrums, catsup painting and all.

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Gettin' all political

Just kidding! I have no intention of going rogue with political commentary on Nicholas' blog. There are people I love dearly in my life who land on entirely opposite ends of the political spectrum and I have no intention of offending any of them here. But, I do encourage each of you - if you haven't already - to go vote tomorrow!

Since I work long days on Tuedays, Matt and I went to the Johnson County courthouse on Friday morning (yes, with our little man in tow) and voted early. We waited nearly 2 hours! Nicholas was a trooper. Matt was a thoroughly entertaining Dad.

I had a lot of alone time holding our place in line and wound up chatting it up a bit with the guy standing in front of me - just small talk for the most part.

Nearing the end of our 2 hour friendship (as we were beginning to celebrate our pending opportunity to vote), he said to me, "I didn't even know if I'd be allowed to vote because I'm a convicted felon." To which I replied, "Yea, you can actually." He responded, "Then I don't really know why they won't give me my gun rights back! The only thing I killed was a six-pack." At which point, had I been sitting on a chair - I would have fallen off!

What will I remember about my role in this historic 2008 presidential election?

Clearly...

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7-years-old

Happy Birthday, Max!

We love you!

Mama, Daddy & Nicholas

Out of sorts

We’ve all been out of sorts around here today. Matt and me for entirely different reasons than Nicholas – but, since this is Nicholas’ blog we’ll just stick with the theme...

When I sing in the choir (pretty much every other Sunday), Matt is on his own with Nicholas through mass. And, Nicholas is actually a pretty evangelical little Catholic – many shouts out to the Lord (or so we assume) in any given church hour. Nicholas and I go to the school mass on Thursday mornings – in part because I LOVE that mass and in part because Nicholas needs some practice. No doubt Catholic masses are not the easiest hour of the week for a toddler – and it’s significantly less easy for a toddler who is not used to going. So, needless to say, Matt has his work cut out for him on choir Sundays – like today.

And, after mass this morning, I gave a presentation about marriage counseling to our adult religious education groups – leaving Matt corralling little man for yet another hour – during which, Matt tells me, Nicholas was pretty over stimulated. Too much for one morning, I think.

We came home, had lunch and while we were playing around afterward, Nicholas discovered that his hands fit in his jeans’ pockets! Hilarious! I jumped down on his level to immortalize the moment and before I could capture it on the memory card Nicholas face planted and busted his lip. Long after the bleeding stopped, he continued to cry and cling (I do love that clinginess though).

Shortly after Nicholas went down for his nap, I went down for mine and slept soundly for 2 hours. Nicholas woke up crying miserably and stayed out of sorts for nearly an hour – all the while crying and clinging. He pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon and evening whimpery.

Bottom line – Nicholas does not recover well from over stim. When it happens, we’re pretty much doomed the rest of the day.

Bonus moments:

In recovery from his busted lip, Nicholas let me cradle him and did not push away – in fact, he even made eye contact and seemed to have moments of contentment.

During the after-nap fussiness, he sat in Matt’s lap for a bottle and calmed down in his Daddy’s arms.

In the chaos of dinner prep tonight, Matt and I forgot to pray befor we started eating. Shortly after we started snarfing our chicken noodle soup, Nicholas extended his hands to us in reminder!

This evening while I was getting him ready for bed, he let me sit on the floor and rub his bare belly for nearly 5 minutes! This was a huge moment for Nicholas. Anytime we’ve tried to ‘massage’ or rub his sweet skin, he wiggles and writhes until we stop. Tonight, he stared at me very intently and when I stopped at one point, he grabbed my hand and put it back on his belly.

And, as Matt was putting him down tonight, Nicholas gave me a kiss and as they walked into the bedroom he waved at me, blew me a kiss and said, 'Nigh nigh!'

Five bonus moments on an out-of-sorts day...not bad at all.

And, one of these days, I’ll get that picture of Nicholas with his hands in his pockets! He is so stinkin' cute.

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Sarah - if you're reading - Matt and I had a GREAT time with you and Ben last night. Thanks for coming over and hanging out. We'll get together again soon.

Adoption awareness

November is National Adoption Awareness month.

Just wanted you to be aware!

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