Matt and I kind of suck at Halloween. Neither of us particularly enjoy this holiday and we have a black lab who goes a little wild when the doorbell rings.
We don't dress up and we don't keep sugary products in our house - in part because Matt is diabetic but mostly because I have a particularly addictive relationship with chocoloate.
So our handouts don't exactly inspire excitement on the part of our neighbor kiddos.
3 years ago we gave out pretzels (in a little bag with a pumpkin on it)
2 years ago we gave out halloween pencils
1 year ago we were missing our son so we boycotted children entirely and went out for a long dinner
This year, we spiced things up a bit and decided to give out little toys that I bought after Halloween last year. We also determined that walking Nicholas around house to house was entirely unnecessary (and potentially attachment confusing). BUT, we did buy him a costume - it's his first Halloween after all!
So, tonight I got home from work ~6:30p, we dressed Nicholas in his costume, turned the front porch light on signifiying our willingness to participate and awaited costumed children begging for treats while threatening tricks.
Nicholas was thoroughly entertained and entirely adorable.
But, by 7:30p Nicholas was rubbing his eyes, Max was tired of being cooped up in the bedroom and Matt and I had enough. So, out went the porch lights, away went the treats (with many left over for another year!), out of the bedroom came the Max, and to bed went the cutest little monkey...
Until next year,
cm
Friday, October 31, 2008
The cutest little monkey
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Still here!
Saturday I drove to my parents and spent the day / night with them. Matt, Nicholas and Max bach’d it at home (and, no doubt, missed me terribly!). This was my first ‘night off’ in nearly 4 months and it was welcome to be sure. I love being with my mom & dad and we thoroughly enjoyed our time together.
Sunday, Matt and Nicholas joined us at my parents for a ‘little’ (~40 people) welcome home party of my parents’ friends – people who have been following along and praying us through our path to parenthood. Truthfully, I was a tad anxious about this after our weekend of over-stim, but Nicholas did really well – he didn’t parent shop a single time and he even walked up to me independently a couple of times and put his arms up to be held, saying ‘Up?’
The original weekend plan was for all three of us to spend the night Saturday and stay through the party on Sunday afternoon; but the over-night option is off the table indefinitely. It worked well to have them come down for the day and Nicholas was thoroughly entertaining at his party. It is good to be surrounded by loved ones – and, it may be the most fantastic feeling in the world to feel so celebrated in the union of our family.
It was a nice weekend for me – a big, big thanks to my hubby for the respite!
Other notable Nicholas updates:
FirstSteps: We graduated him from DT (developmental therapy). He’s progressing so rapidly, we just don’t feel he needs the extra help. In fact, in just 2 sessions he met all of his preliminary goals! I’m guessing if we had him evaluated today, he wouldn’t even qualify. And, we're going to talk with his PT about moving back to 2x/month instead of weekly. He’s doing great – getting much steadier, falling less, walking with more stability on the stairs, etc. We'll see what she recommends.
Nicholas has been so cuddly these past ~10 days. It’s been fun that he is regularly asking to be held on our laps instead of just sitting on the couch next to us. More and more he is trotting up to us with a book and wanting to sit on our laps and flip through it (so rapidly there is no time to read it!). And, he’s significantly more interactive with us in play (in fact, as I type, father and son are ‘playing ball’: Matt is throwing the ball and bouncing it off Nicholas’ forehead – cracking Nicholas up. Little man is still grasping the concept of throwing the ball back to Daddy – he just throws it in whichever direction his little body is facing!).
We leave two weeks from today for Cleveland. Both Matt and I are looking forward to it:
1. I’m kind of geeked professionally to see what this experience is like
2. We’re both excited to spend a family weekend away doing fun stuff with Nicholas in Cleveland (who knew it was such a kid-friendly city?!)
3. We’re looking forward to learning from Arleta and getting some direct coaching and feedback
4. And, we’re pleased to have progress to share. It makes us happy to have the balance - obviously - AND it takes the anxious urgency out of this for us. I think it will be a better experience all around.
The reality is - we feel like it’s a good time to ask for help. As it stands, the things that we struggle with are due to no fault of our own - they’re pretty standard PI dynamics and we have high hopes for our prognosis. Down the road we’d definitely be required to take some ownership if Nicholas continued to struggle and we had not solicited assistance. Matt and I were both profoundly struck by Dr. Federici’s advice to over-intervene early rather than waiting it out.
Waiting it out just doesn’t fit my prevention mentality!
We’ll certainly update about that experience – particularly for those of you who do not have access to these resources.
cm
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Oh, what a leap-year it's been!
Then
Now
Nicholas,
Meeting you, loving you, parenting you and learning along side you has changed our lives exclusively for the better. You've turned our world upside down in a way that has inspired us to become better people, better partners, better parents. You blow our minds everyday with your resilience, strength, persistence and stamina! We adore you and we're so grateful that God chose us.
We love you from the tops of our heads to the bottom of our toes!
Mama & Dada
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Baby Einstein
I admit it - this morning I used a Baby Einstein video so I could have a moment of peace to make out my grocery list. In light of the facts that 1. I so rarely do this and 2. grocery listing is ever important work I was able to do this guilt-free by sitting on the couch next to Nicholas while he absorbed himself in a 20 minute episode of Baby Bach.
The confession was a requirement to explain the cool little breakthrough...
Nicholas chose to sit on the couch completely opposite from me. That's okay. We were still sitting together as far as I'm concerned and I am not about forcing him all the way outside his comfort zone all the time. ~5 minutes into his video mesmerization, he scooted all the way over to sit down next to me and rested his sweet little head on my shoulder! I sat there frozen for a few seconds because I didn't want to distract from the moment, but then reached my arm around him and we melted into each other. Ahhhhh...
Needless to say, the grocery list is still not done (and, yes, it takes me longer than 5 minutes to write out a grocery list!).
cm
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
International Clinic follow-up
We had an interesting appointment at the international clinic this morning...
The nurse asked us what, if any, therapies had been initiated for Nicholas since we were there 6 weeks ago, so Matt told her about PT & DT and that we're heading over to OH next month to address some attachment red flags. She wrote it all down.
Shortly thereafter, Dr. Escobar who is a developmental pediatrician, met with us (this is a standard part of the St. Vincent IA clinic follow-up) to discuss any developmental concerns we have about Nicholas. We really don't have a ton of developmental concerns for Nicholas, but ended up talking about his PT and our attachment struggles. He basically said that because I'm a psychologist, I'm probably over thinking things and need to relax so I don't miss out on the joy of parenthood. Wow, right? He told us that Nicholas is just fine and seems well bonded to both of us - clearly demonstrating that he knows we're his parents. He also told us that PT cannot fix Nicholas' pronating problem and showed us how the heels of his own shoes are worn because he pronates - noting that we should just get Nicholas some inserts if he's going to play sports some day.
Hmmm...Needless to say, I was pretty annoyed with him and just wanted him to exit the room - stat. I was so blown away by his COMPLETE and TOTAL dismissal of our concerns, I didn't even consider confronting him about it. Amazingly, he was able to size up Nicholas' bond and awareness that we're his parents in a matter of 5 minutes while our child appropriately acted like a 2-year-old standing across the room from us opening and closing, opening and closing, opening and closing the cabinet doors. We will not be following up with him.
Dr. Belcher walked in a couple minutes later, plopped down and said, "I hear you have an appointment with an attachment clinic." Then he gave us two thumbs up and continued on - "I'm glad you're not sticking your heads in the sand about how important this is. I'm just a microbiology geek. I don't know anything about the psychological side. But, I strongly recommend early intervention. It's the only way to go."
Validation.
He left the room in the middle of the appointment to see if our lab had faxed Nicholas' results over yet and said, "Let's see if he'll go with me." He opened the door, put his hand out to Nicholas and Little Man grabbed his hand and trotted right out the door. One very cool moment in this exchange was that after a few steps down the hall, Nicholas turned around and looked as us. That's definitely progress (and definitely frightening that our almost-2-year-old will walk off with any 'ole random who interacts with him)!
This is what we learned medically:
1. He will take isoniazid for 9 months because of his +TB test. He's been exposed at some point (according to his chest x-ray), but is definitely not active nor is he contagious.
2. He has giardia! Poor little guy. So, he's being treated for that as well.
3. He had some lead exposure, but not enough to be concerned about. His level was 2.5 and they don't do anything unless it's 10 or above.
4. His thyroid is just fine - Dr. B wanted to make sure because he's so 'shrimpy'.
5. Apparently he's only gained 2 lbs since arriving home 3 months ago. I'm bummed about this, but am trying to keep it all in perspective - especially given he has grown an inch! Dr. B didn't think the giardia was contributing to his slow weight gain.
We'll follow up in a month re: the isoniazid tx - to make sure he's not having liver issues. After that we'll follow up every 2 months through July when he's completed this course of treatment.
Good times!
cm
Monday, October 20, 2008
Emotional recovery
While we were playing this morning, Nicholas walked over to me (there's still not a ton of interaction when 'we're' playing, but I like to be available in his general vicinity) and said with both words and sign language - 'ee gagle' (translation: 'eat bottle'). He signs eat correctly and signs milk for bottle (like he's milking a cow). He wanted some Carnation! I said, 'Sure! You want a bottle?' and he trotted into the kitchen saying, 'gagle' while gesturing the sign for milk. So cool!
Glorious firsts:
- This is the first time Nicholas has overtly requested food (not counting his hungry tantrums)
- This is the first time he has communicated a two word sentence - with a verb and a noun!
- It's the first time I've ever heard him attempt to pronounce bottle.
- It's the first time I've been able to immediately respond to a need that he has expressed verbally.
After he drank his bottle - which is always in a cradle position while I'm holding the bottle with Nicholas ideally making eye contact (but I don't force him and he's not always forthcoming) - I held him and patted his back so he could burp the air out and decided (based on the knowledge I'm gleaning from the excellent book recommended to me by Kate - 'The boy who was raised as a dog') to pat his back like a drum - in rhythm, patting his bum, and his head every once in a while like symbols (I realize that this sounds kind of dorky, but you really should read the book - it's fantastic). And, Nicholas loved that I was using his back as a drum! I would stop and he'd look over at me with a big smile and ask, 'gin?'
- It's the first time he's ever engaged with me enough to overtly ask me to do something again.
- In fact, it's the first time I've ever heard him attempt the word 'again'!
When he was done, I put him down and he started walking away - then turned around, walked back to me, pointed his little face up toward mine and puckered his lips for a kiss - then walked away saying, 'kak oo' (translation: 'thank you'). Smile. Melt.
I am so grateful for these little moments, which are profoundly restorative emotionally.
Little man did have one time-out this morning for throwing a toy at Max (who was sleeping peacefully prior to being beaned in the head with a lego). As soon as he did it he looked over at me with a very serious face. I said, 'Oh, no throwing toys, right? Sit down for a time-out.' He was literally two feet from me and plopped right down but refused to look at me. ~30 seconds into his dramatic little expression, he looked over at Max and blew him three kisses (!) then looked at me and smiled. I smiled, too because it was so stinking cute. But, yes, he did have to finish his time-out. (And, to clarify for you PI parents out there - they're really time-ins, we just don't call them that with Nicholas).
It's been a really good Monday so far. I'm pleased that we will have some good progress to report to Arleta in November - along with the regressions!
cm
Breakfast conversation
It is so cool to experience our little man’s acquisition of language. His receptive language took off ~3 weeks after he arrived home. And, his expressive language is just now emerging.
We have established a pretty pragmatic breakfast routine. While he starts off with a handful of peas, I start making his eggs. He snarfs his peas and then moves on to a handful of cheerios and after those he gets a banana and as he is finishing up his banana, I am putting his eggs on his tray – clockwork! I usually give him his eggs right out of the pan, so they’re still pretty hot. While he eats his last few bites of bananas, I stand there and blow on his eggs saying, ‘Hot!’ As Nicholas eats his protein, I fix my breakfast and am usually ready to eat as he is finishing up. While I eat, Nicholas entertains himself with a rice pudding and a spoon!
This morning he started blowing on his rice pudding saying, ‘Ha! Ha!’ (translation: ‘Hot! Hot!’) I said, ‘Your pudding is cold!’ to which he replied, ‘Um, cudu.’ (‘Yea, cold.’) and continued blowing.
When he seemed to be losing interest in his pudding (rubbing it on his bib, in his hair, on his tray; chewing on his spoon; etc), I said, ‘Are you all done?’ and he responded, ‘Um, ma.’ (‘No, more.’) and started shoveling it in again.
It is so much fun to have these conversations with him – even more fun when he has pudding in his hair!
cm
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Attachment Hades
Warning – this is a long one…
We’ve had a rough weekend. Friday evening we trekked down to Evansville to introduce Nicholas and visit with family. Nicholas does not sleep in the car. Only once have we been blessed with a ~20 minute Nicholas snooze on our ~4.5 hr trip to St. Louis last month. Needless to say, despite my best back seat endeavors to keep him entertained, our ~4 hr drive to Evansville left our little man bored and fussy. Friday night should have been a heads up of what was pending for us Saturday, but we just chalked it up to too much drive time. In the ~30 minutes he was awake at Matt’s grandma’s house: he either ignored Matt’s and my presence or outright rejected our attempts at interaction (including the coveted the Carnation Instant Breakfast bottle); he fell on the bricks surrounding her fireplace and didn’t make a peep even though the fall looked both painful and frightening for him; and he parent shopped with Matt’s grandma – who he had just met. Sigh.
He went right to sleep and slept through the night, but woke up wound for sound. He usually wakes up snuggly and takes his time getting going in the morning. Saturday he did not want to be snuggled, he wiggled and writhed to be off and running and he put up a bigger than typical fuss about getting his diaper changed. ~30 minutes after breakfast Matt’s Aunt and Uncle came by to meet Nicholas for the first time. They walked in and sat down, appropriately not picking him up and making over him and Nicholas promptly plopped down on the couch next to his great-Uncle and planted a big smacker right on his lips. My heart sunk. Matt picked him up off the couch explaining that we have some concerns about his indiscriminant affections (in not so many words) and Nicholas fussed to be left alone and walked back over to the couch and sat down again. It was not cute – trust me. Saturday morning he took 2 other spills on those fireplace bricks with nary a whimper nor a glance to either of his parents before Matt’s Aunt moved a table back to block his access. Sigh.
Saturday he only napped for about an hour and a half before he woke up crying – and he didn’t stop crying for nearly an hour. When I held him he arched his back, pushed away, hit and screamed – sporadically. When I set him down on the floor he looked at me sobbing and plopped down on his back hitting the floor with his snot covered hands. He wanted to be held and comforted, but he could not tolerate that in his most over-stimulated state. In the end, he sighed and relaxed into me with his thoroughly soaked chin resting on my right shoulder. It was a breakthrough I think. But, I also think he cried himself exhausted. I know he cried me exhausted. Sigh.
Yesterday afternoon did get unexpectedly better, which we feel can only be attributed to the Holy Spirit answering our prayers of desperation. Against my better (or retrospectively, not better at all) judgment, I submitted to my husband’s desire to spend the afternoon at his brother’s house. This was the 4th house we had visited yesterday before 3p and given past behavior truly is fairly predictive of future behavior; I was not expecting good things yesterday afternoon. Much to my needed surprise, we had a nice, peaceful couple of hours. We sat outside with Matt’s brother and sister-in-law and our newest, 3-month-old nephew watching the boys play on the swing set and listening to Matt spew out our woes. And, though Nicholas was still (mostly) not aware of our existence, it was really good for Matt and me to experience a typical afternoon hanging out with family away from our own abode. Nicholas did fall down once, looked over at us and started crying. In moments like that – I am thrilled for the attachment opportunity – and am entirely void of any version of maternal concern that my son may be physically injured. Sigh.
And, it really was fun to watch our nieces and nephews bond with Nicholas this weekend. Though it is also not always easy to be with our fertile families (I have this experience with my brother’s kiddos, too). I look at the little babies and feel a hollow twinge of pain that I will never know what Nicholas looked like then, that we never had the opportunity to coo at him and reinforce his ‘I’m making a poop’ smiles, that our little man is struggling and will struggle in his relationship with us and possibly others because we weren’t given access to him during his most vulnerable days. I wish we had been chosen to be with him during his most vulnerable days. Sigh.
We felt heard, supported, validated and encouraged by all of Matt’s people this weekend (for those of you who read along here – thank you). We were engaged in conversations that I imagine are not remarkably pleasant to have with us these days; we were encouraged with acknowledgments of progress that they see – which we cannot; and we were supported when Matt communicated that we are likely not going to endeavor such a weekend again for quite a while. Sigh.
Last night I went to bed at 8p – the same time as Nicholas so he would have some company – and he was a squirmy worm, flipping and flopping around in his bed – so so restless. I was laying in bed reading and I kept saying, “Its okay, Nicholas. Mama’s right here. Go nigh-nigh.” He would sigh, suck on his thumb and start his rocking. This happened for ~45 minutes until he finally conked out. Sigh.
Our trip home today was uneventful. Nicholas did not sleep, but he was content and when he fussed he was easily calmed by me singing to him. He ate lunch when we arrived home and fell asleep promptly at 2p. At 3p, he woke up from a scream dream. It wasn’t his scream-est dream by any stretch. But he was sobbing – air gulping, body shaking, heaving sobs – inconsolably. I think I would be inhuman if that scene did not break my heart. And, break my heart it did. Sigh.
Nicholas is grieving, he’s over stimulated and he’s struggling to attach to us. Bless his heart. In the grand scheme of things - we are immensely proud of him and we're glad that he's processing this now. Grieving is predictable for PI kids - in fact, it's predictable for any child who has experienced loss and trauma. In the moment - we're racked emotionally.
Saturday I was really taking my emotion out on myself and Matt for not maintaining the boundary expectations that we had identified during our wait for Nicholas to come home. The truth is; it’s hard to maintain those boundaries. We need people - our people. It’s lonely to parent in isolation. It’s difficult to not be able to rely on help when we feel fried. It’s a bummer to stay home when we want to be with our people - sharing our son. I e-mailed my dear friend, Stef, while Nicholas napped on Saturday and received such peace in her response. I wanted to share part of it here because I know Matt and I are not the only ones who could take comfort in these gentle words:
Carla, my friend! Be strong in the suffering. Be confident in Your God. In his provision to meet you in this circumstance--remember He says in Isaiah, "You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." This circumstance is no accident, the issue isn't whether you and Matt have made some huge mistake in your decision to make the trip. God wants to use this to reveal Himself to you, do not miss that opportunity. Every aspect of Nicholas' growth is in His hands, and for His glory. He chose you, Matt and Carla, for this very day. And he brought Nicholas across the globe to rest in your love and parenting, do not despair. Will He not continue to provide for your every need? Trust that. Even if every single decision on your part was flawless, the outcome still rests in the Lord's hands. Know that every day that passes, even steps of regression are purposeful. That doesn't diminish the pain, and it's not meant to minimize it. But God will prevail here, nothing can thwart his plans for Nicholas, for you two.
In suffering, it’s hard to remember that there is purpose in suffering. But, if Matt and I have learned nothing else in our short stint at marriage, it’s that there is purpose in suffering. It was profoundly helpful to be reconnected to that in that moment. Sigh.
The fact that I did not drink at all yesterday is, I think, fairly prognostic that I do not have a future as an addict – tempting though it regularly feels now that I am a mother.
Stay at home parents of PI kids – I stand in awe of you.
cm
Happy 22 month birthday to Nicholas today! I put an updated picture on the sidebar - taken this evening - tucked back into our own nest and our familiar routines. We will not be leaving again for a while. Please come visit us!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Memories for grown ups (last weekend)
Last Saturday morning we trekked over to Apple Works in little Trafalger, Indiana to make memories that our son will not remember. What is up with our profound desire to do this? Anyway, memories we made – and, we took some pictures of the top of Nicholas’ head because his eyes were down nearly the entire event, we rode a tractor pulled wagon to a pumpkin patch and chose two perfectly flawed pumpkins to don our front porch and we did a little shopping in the country store – leaving with apples, a pie and garlic stuffed olives. Yep. Garlic stuffed olives. Here are a couple of good shots:
Mr. Popular was in high demand Saturday having been invited to 2 birthday parties. Unfortunately he slept through party#1, but he made it to party#2 ~45 minutes late. Party#2 (celebrating Nicholas’ 2nd cousin Thomas’ 5th year) was at the Bounce Zone. Little man LOVED the Bounce Zone. He was a bouncing boy, indeed and thoroughly exhausted himself going down the slide and down the slide and down the slide and down the slide.
We arrived home, gave Nicholas a much needed bath and he was snoozing ~10 minutes before 7p. Look how cute he is sleeping (this one is from nap time - he did not sleep in the clothes he wore all day!).
Matt and I made lots of great memories on Saturday. Fortunately, Nicholas will get to see the pictures.cm
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I hid and he sought
I've mentioned before that Nicholas likes hide and seek - as long as he is hiding and we are seeking. Shifting this dynamic around is threatening for him and it shuts the game down every time.
Today, I switched things around and started running away from him. He followed. I hid around the corner and stood there for a moment waiting for him to run my way. He didn't. When I sought him out, I found him playing - having walked away from the interaction entirely.
Not to be defeated, I engaged him again and he started chasing me. I hid around a different corner and when I peeked around I saw my son looking for me!!! He was still engaged!!! I stepped into his sight and he screeched, laughed and ran into my arms!!! I celebrated and reinforced him thoroughly. He gave me a big kiss.
A beautiful moment.
cm
It was alive
Nicholas is in the habit of picking up carpet debris and bringing it to Matt or me with pride! Given that his big brother is an 80 lb black lab, carpet debris typically exists in the form of a chip off of one of Max's rubber chew toys.
This afternoon, I was sitting on the floor watching my little one play (one of my single favorite things to do) and saw him crouch down to pick up something small and black from the floor and start walking my way. I extended my hand assuming it was a chunk of Max's black kong toy and received from Nicholas a fairly decent sized black bug, which began walking across my hand!
Nicholas cracked up!
Unexpected, indeed.
cm
And, yes, I am watching the debate - it helps to distract myself.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Q&A **Edited to add #11**
I'm responding to some not-so-random questions!
1. Yes, the picture of the three Ekat boys was taken here. O&C live less than an hour from us! Another cool little factoid – there are two other Ekat boys living ~30 minutes from us. I’m guessing there are other Ekat kiddos in and around the Indy area. We should have a reunion.
2. Nicholas LOVES watching himself on video. He finds himself fascinating and funny. It’s actually hilarious to watch him watch himself on video – I’ll have to post that at some point.
3. He has not called me Auntie since arriving home. He says ‘Dada’ all the time. He only really says Mama if he’s upset and it comes out in one long, whining, stretched-out ‘Mamamamama’. It really is endearing – even in unpleasant moments!
4. I do still talk to him in Russian, actually. He responds to the Russian words I know whether I say them in Russian or English at this point. And he still uses two words, ‘tuda’ (outside) and ‘da’ (yes).
5. The children in Russian orphanages who are waiting for families do have names. I think many of them are named by their birth families and others are named by the hospital where they are born.
6. Nicholas’ Russian name is Nikolai. He was born on the Russian Orthodox feast day of St. Nicholas (hence his namesake). We loved that connection and loved his name, so we Americanized it.
7. Children in Russia are not called by their formal names. Nicholas’ nickname at the orphanage was ‘Kolya’ and Matt still calls him this. Natasha called him ‘Kolashka’ and ‘Nikolashka’ which I sometimes call him – usually when I’m using my stern-mom voice! Names are funny. Sometimes when I’m being playful and talking to him in a baby voice I call him ‘Kolashky’ or ‘Lashky’. He definitely responds to Nicholas. We don’t really call him Nick, but some people do. His younger cousin, Louie, calls him ‘Nih’. Seriously – this child will respond to darn near anything.
8. In Russian, birth families are notified of their child’s adoption – if they can be located. They actually have to sign consent forms even if they rescinded rights at the child’s birth. This was a tad unnerving. The consents were signed by his birth family at the end of May 2008 – just weeks before we were notified of our court date. It is the final paperwork requirement in Ekat (not sure how this works everywhere else).
9. If family members visit their children, it makes the child less adoptable. Sad, yes? Russian culture absolutely prefers to keep children with a biological family member. So, if a family member is visiting and fostering a relationship with the child, the judge (again, in Ekat) is less comfortable granting an adoption - understandably so. Nicholas’ family did not visit him and they obviously signed the consents. There are many children in Russian orphanages (2/3 according to Dr. Ludmilla) who are not available for adoption because their birth families would not rescind legal rights – hoping to return and raise the child someday. According to Dr. L - the vast majority of these children are never reunited with their biological family, are never adopted and age out of the system to very very difficult lives.
10. And, though this isn’t exactly a Q or an A, I just want to say that it’s fantastic to learn that one of you readers also adopted a son from Nizhny Tagil! Thank you for the kind words of support.
11. When the boys get together do they communicate in Russian also? No, actually. When the boys get together they don't communicate with each other at all! In fact, they didn't even really play together. They're still a little young to be interested in 'others'.
cm
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Adoption-related reading list
I like to read. And, I like information. So, I typically read info loaded books (but, not exclusively - while my older brother considers reading novels a waste of time - poor soul - I'm entirely okay reading something that requires zero brain power - the emotionally loaded ones really suck me in - but if a character I attach to is going to die - I really don't want to read it for pleasure - wow, I digress - and almost entirely without punctuation).
Since we initiated Nicholas’ adoption ~18 months ago, I have enjoyed reading darn near everything I can get my hands on re: adoption, parenting, attachment, post-institutionalization, trauma, and child development.
I thought I’d post my list here for you closet-info-geeks (for you Ekat waiters, too - because it can feel good to be productive through the agonizing wait - and there are only so many ways one can reorganize a closet!). Sadly, my reading time has taken a drastic hit these past few months - and, I don't see that changing in the near future.
Here’s what I’ve read, am reading and plan to read - in no particular order (and, let me just tell you that my mom is reading along and will feel quite proud of me for not alphebetizing them by title and author):
What I’ve read (*my favorites):
Adopting a toddler: What size shoes does she wear? – Hoppenhauer
*Adopting the hurt child – Keck & Kupecky
The family of adoption – Pavao (gave copies of this one to our parents, too – quiz is pending)
*The connected child – Purvis, Cross & Sunshine
Handbook of international adoption medicine – Miller (this is a reference book that has been really handy to have around)
Building the bonds of attachment – Hughes
Help for the hopeless child – Federici
Beyond consequences, logic & control – Forbes & Post
What’s going on in there? – Eliot (general child/brain development)
*Attaching in adoption – Gray
Psychology of orphans – Shipitsyna
Parenting from the inside out – Siegel & Hartzell
Lifebooks: Creating a treasure for the adopted child – O’Malley (this is a helpful overview, but most of the info can be found online)
*Toddler adoption: The weaver’s craft – Hopkins-Best
Childproofing your marriage – Cherry
*Adoption parenting: Creating a toolbox, building connections – MacLeod & Macrae
The post-adoption blues – Foli & Thompson (there is not a lot written about this subject)
What I’m currently reading (I’m enjoying both of these - or I would quit reading them; which interestingly doesn't go without saying for some readers who commit and don't stop until they've reached the final word whether they're enjoying themselves or not! If you're one of 'those' - explain this to me.):
Parenting the hurt child – Keck & Kupecky
I love you rituals – Bailey
On my to-read list:
Parenting with love and logic – Cline
Parenting your internationally adopted child – Cogen
The boy who was raised as a dog – Perry & Szalavitz (thank you for the recommendation, Kate)
Dear Birthmother – Silber & Speedlin (and, thank you for the recommendation, Debbie)
Talking with young children about adoption – Watkins
If you have other recommendations (brainer or no-brainer), I'm interested.
cm
Friday, October 10, 2008
Tagged
I was planning to ignore this outright, but have now been tagged by three different blogs. I’m supposed to tell you 6 random things about me...
1. Given my penchant for obsessive-compulsive orderliness, I’m overtly offended that three people actually consider the possibility that there are 6 random things that define me.
2. Tracy Chapman has a new CD coming out in November. That makes me happy.
3. I knit. Is that random?
4. I like the smell of Max’s nose. Sometimes I just inhale the essence of Max in that soft spot on his nose right between his beautiful black eyes. That’s definitely random – but warm and fuzzy.
5. Right before the presidential (and vice presidential) debates, I get really nervous for the candidates. In fact, I have periodic heart palpitations throughout the debates worried that someone will severely screw up - 3 down, 1 to go.
6. I am never safer or more content than when tucked into my bed at night listening to my three boys breathing their sleepy snores. I am so blessed – ah, but that’s not at all random, is it?
I tag extroverts!
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And, I was joking about being offended - not joking about my OC issues though.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Highchair speak
Breakfast:
Nicholas to Max (frantically waving his pointer finger): Down, down
Max grumps and lays down
Nicholas (clapping his victorious hands): Nnaaayyy!
Lunch:
Nicholas (in the act of throwing his sippy cup on the floor): Uh, oh!
Me (quite seriously): It’s not an ‘uh oh’ if you did it on purpose, Nicholas.
Nicholas (with a big grin on his face, pointing to his cup): Git it!
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Ekat boys & blogs
One of you asked me for the addresses of the 3 other Ekat families in process right now. Here they are:Lori adopting Courtney & Cameron (in Russia now)
http://www.ekatadoption.blogspot.com/
Mike & Melissa adopting Colby (waiting for court)
http://adoptingcolby.blogspot.com/
JD & Laura adopting K (waiting for court)
http://ourrussianangel.blogspot.com/
cm
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Rainy day
Making memories with a toddler on a rainy day:
1. Dress him in overalls and rain boots. Adorable.
2. Schlep out to run errands and acquire gifts for the ‘boo box’ we intend to deliver.
3. Package up the goodies and trek over to boo Cousin Louie with stealth.
4. Get busted by Louie’s mommy (who was supposed to be at work) while not-so-stealth’ly leaving the goodies on the front porch.
5. Make cocoa krispies haunted houses – and make a big, tasty mess in the process.
6. Decide that cleaning 2 stations is entirely unnecessary and eat lunch standing at the kitchen counter.
7. Clean up the toddler and change him into some comfortable afternoon sleeping sweats.
8. Play ‘clean up the toys’!
9. Snuggle the toddler in for a (hopefully) long afternoon slumber.
10. Make some Tazo refresh and get some grown-up stuff done.
It’s been a great day! It’s nice to be getting out in the world with Nicholas a little more. He's been talking a lot today: boo, thank you, up, down. He says thank you when we hand him things. So polite. He also says thank you when he hands things to us. So confused!
Here are some pictures of our morning...
Overalls & Rain boots
Silly face
We each decorated a house :)
Our beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy...
A stand-up-lunch - right off the sticky counter! Mmmmm...
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
We've been boo'd!
I’ve never even heard of being boo’d, but I was SO excited to get home tonight and open this incredibly thoughtful and generous gift from our mystery giver. Wow. If you’re a blog reader – thank you so much! Thank you so much.
I’m no Sherlock Holmes (and, I love knowing that some of you will experience nails on a chalkboard about my word choice there!), but I definitely think this is from 1. a woman, 2. who knows me well, 3. loves my son and 4. lives (or at least ships packages from the UPS store) in Carmel. That narrows it down!
1. A total stereotype, I know – but, whoever sent this likes to shop for fun kid stuff!
2. I do not drink caffeine. Tazo tea is my absolute favorite beverage – especially refresh and calm. That was either a really good guess, or our mystery gift sender has been paying attention.
3. Wow – what generous, fun, thoughtful and exciting Halloween gifts for our little man’s first Halloween! He is so loved. And,
4. Well, it was shipped from the UPS store in Carmel.
I told you I’m not Sherlock Holmes. I will be bugged that I cannot send a thank you note. I’m a thank you note kind of girl.
Maybe you’re reading here. You made my day! We will have such fun with the loot!
cm
Monday, October 6, 2008
I do, for better or worse
It is better – it’s always been better. When Matt and I married – we were both ready. We share longer histories as singles than anyone in either of our immediate families. Both of us had dated, loved and lost prior to God introducing the other into our lives. We waited a long time for our paths to cross – perhaps early preparation for the waits we would face together in becoming parents.
Lately I have been feeling reflective about our first 4 years. We haven’t exactly had an easy go of married life. Together we’ve faced grief, disappointment, failure, despair, loneliness, hopelessness, anger, devastation. The grief of infertility and chronic miscarriage are not struggles about which one typically ‘goes public’. There are no meals delivered, cards sent, hands held while we process the devastation and dashed hope inherent in losing one of our children. In fact, typically – no one even knows – until later. In those moments, there is only us really – always us. And, when we don’t process it similarly, we have to make room for the others’ expression. It’s difficult, but not worse.
Grief has turned me inward like no other life experience I have previously processed – in fairness though; we’ve been called to process a tremendous amount of grief in our short years together. It does have a cumulative effect on the psyche and while turning inward is appealing when I’m suffering; it is not necessarily healthy for my marriage.
It’s a balance of lost and found. We have lost each other along the way, most definitely – particularly in moments of intolerable agony. Blessedly, and only by the grace of God, we seem to always find each other after our periods of emotional inwardness. Disconnecting seems the simpler task in this lost and found balance of marriage. Reconnecting requires effort, trust, hope, vulnerability, selflessness, tolerance, respect – not so simple.
In the mix of it all, we have created fantastic memories together; we’ve found laughter, joy, humor, and hope in the midst of the suffering that has woven the foundation of our first 4 years. It’s been difficult – more difficult than smooth. But, I have to say, through it all – it’s been better.
I do, my love! And, I’m so grateful you do, too.
cm
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Mish mash
This update will be all over the place...
1. We’ve had a really nice weekend. It’s beautiful here so we spent time outside with Nicholas at the park and playing at home. Saturday we went to Toy’s Я Us and did a little Christmas shopping with Nicholas. That was tons of fun – Nicholas’ first toy store experience was excellent and we were able to pick out a couple of toys that he really responded to.
2. I also want to clarify something – we have not initiated a second adoption! We definitely will adopt again. But, we do not know who, from where or when – just that we’re open to it if God plans it for us. We’ll obviously consider our timing around Nicholas’ readiness and adjustment to us. And, no, when we do initiate adoption #2, we will not announce that immediately. There’s something kind of thrilling about having a big announcement-type secret amongst ourselves – wouldn’t want to kill the thrill by telling everybody.
3. Another quick clarification – I think my emotional attachment-concern-related posts may communicate that it’s a big train wreck around here. It’s really not. We are seeking assistance because we want to prevent the train wreck. Federici recommends over intervening too early rather than under intervening too late. That makes sense to us. And, Arleta communicated a good prognosis for Nicholas / us. We're hoping we will show up in 6 weeks and be able to report that we've made big progress in the meantime. But, we will be showing up there - either way.
4. I have deeply appreciated the calls, comments and e-mail responses to my last post. I have incredible support in this world and am truly blessed. Thank you.
5. Someone asked recently, so I thought I’d add some general updates here – we are still operating under the ‘no hold’ rule indefinitely. Nicholas is still sleeping in our room at night. He is eating solid foods – pretty much anything we eat, but he doesn’t always feed himself. In the three months since he left the orphanage, he has never actually been without one of us in his presence. It is a true blessing that we can pull this off and we’re sticking to this plan indefinitely as well. To date, no one other than Matt or me has fed him, put him to bed, gotten him out of bed, changed his diaper, comforted him when he’s cried, etc. We believe limiting these activities to the primary care providers facilitates intimacy / bonding and teaches him what parents do. This is working out well for us.
6. I can grow potatoes! Last spring my brother asked me if I had ever grown potatoes in my garden (I’m a square foot gardener – i.e., I garden in my landscaping!). I hadn’t. So, I tried. And, voila – sweet potatoes growing along the side of my house. There is nothing more thrilling to me than growing things and fostering their existence. Post-infertility (assuming one can actually be post-infertility) this thrill has grown in magnitude – I love cultivating life. Sweet potato fries for dinner!
7. We had a great visit with P&B and their cuties O&C this evening! We haven’t seen them for nearly two months and have missed them. The one year marker of our friendship is coming up – 10/19 – the day we met at the Indy airport on our way to Ekat to meet our kiddos. So much can happen in a year. We took some really cute pictures of the boys sitting on the couch together – but, since I didn’t get their permission to post here, I’m going to hold off.
8. Nicholas has graduated to one nap / day. When he sleeps in the morning, he will not sleep again until bedtime and his evenings are really grumpy. So, we’re switching him over to one afternoon nap. This will really free up our days and give us more opportunities to get out and about. It will also significantly reduce ‘my time’ to get stuff done. C’est la vie.
cm
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Behind closed doors
We filled out an 18 page application for the Attachment and Bonding Center in Cleveland, OH – gave them lots of info. Dr. Keck (who runs the clinic) gave our information to Arleta James, who works with the parents of the youngest kiddos seeking attachment assistance. She spent over 30 minutes on the phone with me this evening and I liked her a lot.
She started out telling me that often they ask parents of kiddos under 2 to wait ~6 months after arriving home so they can monitor progress prior to creating a treatment plan. But, she doesn’t recommend this for our little guy.
I’ve been dragging my feet writing about the nuances of our attachment concerns here and ultimately have decided to honor my hesitation as a clear need for some privacy right now – Nicholas’ and ours – though I have deeply appreciated the phone / email conversations and support I’ve received from those of you who are battling your own PI attachment woes and I welcome these to continue. This hesitation may change at some point; in fact, I imagine it will as we plow forward.
In so many ways, Nicholas is doing great. He has amazing personality strengths, he’s inquisitive and clever, he has a great sense of humor, he’s entertaining and fun, he’s flexible and resilient. He’s a great sleeper, he’s independent, he doesn’t struggle with sensory issues, he loves water and adores taking baths and swimming. He likes to eat and is feeding himself in new and improved ways (when we allow it). He’s growing and getting stronger and he’s learning by the minute. His receptive language has developed rapidly and his expressive language seems just on the verge of taking off. He’s learning to communicate with us and is becoming familiar with our expectations. He reads social cues, enjoys people and is quite charming. He puts his arms up to be held, he gives kisses, he’s smiley and his laughter is growing in volume! He’s adorable – through and through.
And, something is fundamentally missing. Period.
Attachment is not a cognitive or behavioral experience - it's purely emotional. From a cognitive and behavioral adjustment perspective our little guy is kicking butt and taking names. Emotionally - not yet.
I learned some interesting tidbits in my conversation with Arleta tonight, so I thought I’d pass those along. We are on her schedule November 13, 14 and 15. I asked her if they ever send people home early when things are progressing along well. She said that they definitely do. But, given the 2 biggest concerns we have with Nicholas, it's fairly predictive that we won’t be sent home early. Arleta shares our concerns. Sometimes validation can be a bit anxiety provoking.
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Here are some of the notes I took during our conversation:
18 months is a long time to be institutionalized.
From an attachment perspective, 18 months of life in an orphanage is way too long.
These kids measure higher levels of cortisol in the brain (the fight-flight / stress hormone) and the cortisol levels do not decrease over time (even when they’re adopted out of the institution) unless deliberate action is taken to specifically facilitate the child’s tolerance of touch. Elevated cortisol impedes brain development and subsequently cognitive skills that are necessary for healthy social and emotional relationships.
Nicholas has a classic PI attachment problem which typically does not go away (specifically concerns about control and raging) without deliberately addressing his tolerance of physical intimacy (eye contact, holding, parent-directed interaction, etc).
His healing process will be designed to lower the cortisol levels and simultaneously address self-stimming, self-soothing, control, raging and post-traumatic stress behaviors.
Attachment therapy facilitates the re-creation of the child’s first year, during which time he would have attached through the process of being held, being fed, being communicated with, experiencing warmth, eye contact, body contact, motion and consistency from his parents.
This is how attachment naturally occurs for home-grown children.
~18 months is one of the most vulnerable developmental times to interrupt language development because it’s a prime time for the development of language based conversational abilities which are the foundation for some pretty important skills: reading comprehension, receptive and expressive communication, spacial and analytical reasoning, moral development, emotional/social skill development. When this is interrupted, brain development is adjusted. Treatment is designed to get as much of this back on track as is possible.
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In the end, Arleta told me that while Nicholas has some standard red flags, it’s great that we’re initiating this while he is so young – during which time the prognosis for healing is so much greater. She suggested that the success rates are higher the younger the child is when treatment is initiated (which did seem logical to me).
We’re glad to be on her schedule. In the meantime, she suggested we keep doing what we’re doing (which, in large part, is based on Martha Welch’s ‘Holding Time’ book - read it if you will, but please don't ask me to explain or defend it - I'm a mom right now - not a psychologist.).
We are currently acutely aware of two realities:
1. People who have spent some time with us and with Nicholas may wonder where our concerns stem from – based primarily on the list of strengths I noted above. It's okay to wonder! And, you’re certainly entitled to your critical opinions, but we’re not remarkably interested in hearing them at this point (no offense intended).
2. And, people tend toward strong opinions about attachment work (for it -v- against it). I asked Arleta a lot of ‘controversy’ related questions and I was comforted by what she had to say regarding the clinic’s philosophy and approach to therapy. Please trust that we’re not going to do anything to harm our child. Implying otherwise will not be well received.
If I sound a little defensive there - it's because I am.
Matt and I are glad to be going. We're hopeful and excited about facilitating a true attachment bond with our son. Those of you who've been 'here', know how painful, confusing, and conflicted it can feel to parent without it.
cm
I've misplaced my phone
My phone has been an appendage hanging off my ear (literally) for nearly 3 years. There's always the blissfully coveted call-in-wait while navigating the fun-filled worlds of infertility and adoption. (Yes, that was entirely sarcastic.)
Honestly people, there were nights that I took my phone to bed with me - hoping beyond measurable hope that Inna would call us Russia time with any version of news - exciting or disappointing. Those were good times. (Yes, again.)
The past 3 months, for the first time in my married life, my evening mantra while wrapping up the daily to dos has become, 'Have you seen my phone? Do you remember when I had it last?'
Wow, right?
We're clearly not adopting right now.
I suppose it's a reasonable assumption that we've kick started adoption#2 if you notice that I'm wearing my ear piece again in choir practice, while grocery shopping, at church (yes - oh my goodness - I wore that darn thing through mass on the weekends b/c our beloved Inna does not take days off), walking the dog (and now the son), in the midst of any conversation through which I am not paid (ie working), while blow drying my hair, at my own dr appts (and there were SO many fun ones for the Ekat dossier), in therapy, in bed at night, while mowing the grass and weeding the garden...well, you get the picture.
And, alas, the bluetooth re-marked its territory in my right ear today (ie the appendage on the right side of my entirely impatient, obsessive compulsive head) - maybe just maybe the attachment therapist will get an earlier break in her day - EST.
Sigh.
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