'Barring any unforseen emergencies'

We have a call scheduled with the attachment therapist in Cleveland tomorrow night at 6:45p.

We've been playing phone tag for 3 (business) days. One therapist trying to get ahold of another rarely goes smoothly, given answering a phone call in the middle of session would be entirely inappropriate (entirely).

So, in her 5th voicemail to me this afternoon, she laughed out loud and set a date/time - 'barring any unforseen emergencies'! Liking her already.

Here's to a day void of unforseen emergencies - for us all.

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Pictures

These are pictures Matt's dad took of Nicholas' baptism...

I bought Nicholas' shirt at a Russian Orthodox church in Moscow during trip#3. On the back, my mom embroidered his name and baptismal date in white.

And, my mom made the white pants he wore - she embroidered a white cross on the back pocket! Dr. Ludmilla was right, she does have golden hands.

Here's the big moment!

After the baptism with Nicholas' godparents, Uncle Ryan & Aunt Lori

And, here are some pictures from our visit to a petting park in St. Louis...

Two great days for us! Thanks for the pictures, Dan.

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Advice from Mom: tough love -v- spanking

My mom is very wise - I trust her parenting advice implicitly.

She thinks it's relatively improper to spank children, so she suggested that when Nicholas is acting up we take him for a car ride to distract him from the behavior at hand. She's not sure if it's the vibration from the car or the eye contact with the parent who's driving - but, she does insist that this is a more effective parenting option than spanking.

She even sent a picture demonstrating her technique.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Mom!

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3 month Family Day

Three months ago today we faced Judge Soboleva and legally became a family.

Even though we did not bring Nicholas home with us that trip, we have claimed June 25th at Nicholas' Family Day. There were lots of days that we had access to, but this one seemed most official:

October 23rd = met Nicholas
June 19th = reunited with Nicholas
June 25th = court date
July 9th = Nicholas left the orphanage
July 15th = we reunited as a family

There are many days to celebrate our little guy! We'll happily recollect all of them over the years.

I do think it's kind of cool that the 6 month anniversary of Nicholas having a family will fall on Christmas day (3 months from today!).

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Last CSA = First Picnic

Matt and I joined a CSA (community supported agriculture) farm this year and signed up to collect our box 'o fruits and veggies downtown at the Farmer's Market every Wednesday from May through September. It was my plan to pack a picnic, trek downtown with Nicholas and have lunch with Matt on Wednesdays, picking up our CSA box on the way home. Good plan, yes? Unfortunately, the realities of this summer interrupted this plan - every week! Today was our last pick-up for the season. So, Nicholas and I did pack a picnic and join Matt for lunch at the Whiteriver State Park. We had so much fun!

Matt and Nicholas took a walk along the White River while I set up our lunch.

Here are some picnic pics...

After lunch we dropped Matt off at work and headed home. Nicholas determined this afternoon would be a good one to boycot the nap (I disagreed entirely) and was severely grumpy when Matt arrived home. We cheered him up by spending some time playing on his new swing set!

If you remember back, this swing set was delivered to our house unassembled in a big box on a Friday afternoon. Saturday our basement flooded. Monday we got the Russia call from Inna and ten days later we were reuniting with our chicken poc'd little guy! Needless to say, the swing set sat in the box a little longer than was originally planned, but Matt finished assembling it (and did a fantastic job, if I may express just how impressed I am with his handiwork) on Saturday. So the swing set is not entirely new - but, the assembled swing set is very new indeed. It's perfect in our little backyard - perfect for our little man.

It was a good day - even without nap#2.

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Sunday, September 21, 2008

We had a great day around here. Nicholas was baptized by our dear friend Fr. Vince at 12:30p. He had an entourage! Many people came to celebrate his first sacrament with us – it really meant a lot. There were 3 babies baptized with Nicholas this afternoon and I must say our little man stole the show (objectively speaking, of course!). Nicholas was hilarious when I held him over the baptismal font and had holy water poured over his forehead 3 times. The first time he seemed a little hesitant, but by the third time he really seemed to get into it. It was pretty cute. And, Fr. Vince offered a blessing for the 3 babies in English and then offered it to Nicholas in Russian! He was enthralled by the Russian being spoken to him. Nicholas was a little sleepy and noisy and generally disruptive throughout – but, he really did well all things considered. We combined his baptism celebration with a welcome home party this afternoon from 1:30-3:30p. We had 70 people in and out of our house!

Nicholas, though he had only napped ~45 minutes in the morning, was amazing. He did not do a lot of parent shopping, he was charming and playful, he dug into his cake with both hands, he played and interacted and shared his toys with all of the kiddos who came and he looked adorable – what else can be said? He impressed us all. There is no doubt in my mind that we are raising an extrovert!

I had a blast today. The baptism felt so special to me – the ultimate ‘welcome’ of our son into our faith community. People came from near and far to share this experience with us. It was an honor. At the party, we were surrounded by family and friends who love us dearly and support us unconditionally. I felt wrapped up in massive doses of love, had some amazing conversations with people who are genuinely interested in hearing about our experience (the real experience, not the fluffy version), received many offers for play dates for Nicholas and many offers for socialization for Matt and me at our house after 7p! It was so good for me.

It really was a lovely day.

I’ll post some pictures and video tomorrow.

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And, in case you're wondering - we are still operating under the no hold rule. This picture with Fr. Vince was prearranged. You're only baptised once! And, we're not particularly worried about Nicholas thinking Fr. V is his Dada. In this last picture, he's speaking Russian to Nicholas. Isn't N's face adorably sweet? My mom told me that she was kind of wishing she were a priest on Sunday :) She's still waiting for her lovies (along with everyone else for a while).

Ekat bloggers - I remember

I read Ekat blogs – 3 of them. All three families are in very different places along the long, winding, unpredictable, agonizing road of parenthood initiated (or enhanced) through an Ekat adoption. One family is in Ekat right now, reuniting with her twin daughters who are from Nicholas’ orphanage (my mom and I met her cuties the day we picked up Nicholas). Another Ekat family we met in June – the week we were there for court was the same week they met their son and they’re currently waiting for their court date. And, the third family will travel very soon to meet their daughter – just beginning the wait following the wait.

I’m honored to read along with their journeys. But, I must say, the emotion is palpable and I have ready access to the feelings I was processing each step of the way.

I remember the mind numbing surreality I harbored the week leading up to our first trip last October (can you believe we boarded to plane to meet Nicholas 11 months ago today?). I felt chronically nauseated with excitement and overwhelm. I dug into the fantasies that I had created in my mind in effort to minimize the anxiety that was plaguing my nights. I remember the unknown, the anticipation, the hope.

I remember that depressing, enraging, rollercoaster of a wait between trips – the rat race for ridiculous, redundant paperwork requests; the agony of the silence; the neurosis with which I wore my Bluetooth 24-7 desperate for calls from Inna; the bitter-sweetness I felt when ‘everyone else’ was reuniting with their kiddos; the fear I suffered that I would never get to bring him home and the parallel fears that he would suffer deeply when we did. I remember watching the Ekat clock on my blog and wonder what my son was doing that very moment. I remember deliberately reuniting with the fantasies I desperately created before trip#1 to facilitate my sanity during our separation.

I remember the big, dumb joyful grin I wore the week between the court call from Inna and our departure for Ekat. I remember not entirely trusting that massive disappointment wasn't pending for us. I remember the anxiety I felt about the pending clash with reality.

And, I remember that retrospectively beautiful, perfect, God-driven clash with reality! I remember watching my baby self-soothe in that quarantined hospital room. I remember hearing my husband ask me if his self-soothing behaviors were “going to be a problem.” I remember silently sobbing on my cot, wondering how it was possible that the culmination of my days had led me to that moment.

But, I also remember Nicholas remembering us when we saw him again. I remember his screech, his kicking legs, his outstretched arms. I remember him smiling and staring intently when I sang to him. I remember claiming him as my own because he claimed me as his. I remember feeling honored that he called me 'tyortya' (auntie) as if questioning - communicating his wonder about being cared for by me. And, I remember the emotional pragmatism required to help me navigate the conflict between claiming him and not yet loving him through my earliest days as his mother.

I remember the overwhelming joy I felt when Judge Soboleva granted parental rights – the relief that we had finally reached our crossroad marking both the end and the beginning.

I remember my last childless days at home – the fear that my marriage would suffer as a result of introducing parenthood roles, the anxiety about being ‘homebound’ with Nicholas indefinitely, the guilt I felt about wrecking Max’s peaceful existence.

And I remember saying goodbye to Matt at the Indianapolis airport; the beer I drank with my mom while we waited for our Chicago flight; the sadness I felt about the pending changes in my relationship with her – no longer just a daughter, but a daughter with a son.

I remember the sleeplessness I suffered my last night of childlessness as a result of my complete inability to stifle the racing thoughts.

I remember the gratitude I felt for Dr. Ludmilla – for loving my son and providing him compassion, for complimenting Matt’s and my resolve and commitment, for inviting us to return for a daughter. I remember feeling that I should be feeling something the moment I walked Nicholas away from Orphange#8 forever. But, I remember that I felt entirely void of emotion.

I remember the exhaustion with which I went to bed my first night as a mother – listening to my son sleeping in the crib next to my bed. I remember not being able to wipe the smile off my face that night. I remember not being able to quit the mantra, “Thank you God. Walk me through this.”

I remember the calm I felt mothering Nicholas with my mother by my side in Russia. I remember missing Matt and wanting to get home; while at the same time wishing I never had to leave the safety of that Moscow Marriott hotel room (ie: the simplicity of caring for my severely over-stimmed and therefore clingy son combined with the comfort of relying on my mom – for everything).

And, I remember reuniting with Matt at the Indianapolis airport. I remember wanting to sob all that I had held in for so many months, but I remember feeling the need to be present with everyone’s joy. I remember going to bed that night – for the first time sharing a room with the three loves of my life. And, I remember it was good.

Nicholas has been home over two months. I was told that I would forget the emotion, the struggle – once Nicholas was home, all of that would fall behind us. It has. All of that has fallen behind us – a very lengthy and defining chapter in the back story of our lives. But, I definitely remember. I haven’t forgotten. I don’t imagine I ever will.

Today marks Nicholas’ 21st month on this planet. Such a big boy! I put an updated picture in the sidebar.

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I didn't think about that

Nicholas has a big bruise on his cheek from his fall down the stairs last weekend. Bruises seem to get bigger as they heal, so it does look kind of ugly right now. Everyone who saw him at the pediatrician’s office this morning asked me what happened to his face! When I told the nurse that he fell down the stairs, it felt kind of creepy. I didn’t feel accused of hurting him, but I had an icky desire to explain that he really did fall down the stairs. It’s good that they ask. In some ways, I would have been more uncomfortable if they had overlooked it entirely. Ick.

Nicholas is a bleeder. He doesn’t have a clotting issue, but when he bleeds it keeps coming and coming and coming. We haven’t experienced this at home – just at the pediatrician’s office. One of his vaccinations today may have nicked a little vein, but he bled all over the table, got it on the butt of his onesie and down his legs. I can relate to this particular issue. It’s a bummer. But, bleeders bruise easily, so we may have many uncomfortable questions in our future about why Nicholas is looking a little banged up!

Unfortunately, little man has gained ~1 measly pound in 2 months – hmph. His pediatrician was not worried about this, but I told her I expected him to beef up a little more quickly upon arriving home. She suggested we supplement his 3 meals + 2 snacks / day with Carnation Instant Breakfast or Slim Fast. She recommends these over Pediasure because they’re less expensive and they taste better. So, we’re going to mix vanilla Carnation in his nighttime bottle of milk and probably another time during the day. I don’t imagine he’ll mind!

The good news is – he’s grown an inch and a half! That explains why his 9 month pants are too short. My brain cannot compute how 1.5 inches of growth = only 1 pound of girth. It just seems to me that 1.5 in would weigh more than a lb – apparently not.

I told Dr. Hodson that we were in process to meet with an attachment clinic to address some behavioral/emotional/social red flags and try to prevent attachment-related struggles as he gets older. She told me that she thought this was a great idea as she has a family right now that is having terrible attachment-related difficulties with their son - even though everything was going 'perfectly' when they got home with him 4 years ago (apparently he was N's age when he joined his family). I was glad to hear that reaction from her - much better than feeling blown off. Though she also told me that she didn’t realize there even were services like that available (attachment facilitation). I’ll have to bring her their contact information.

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Obviously, I didn't get those videos uploaded. Ugh. I'll get them done one of these days. Since it's been such a long time between view-able updates, I thought I'd let you know that he's still stinking adorable!

One sick, two sick & some puppy love

Matt had a cold over the weekend and apparently thought it would be generous to pass the germs to Nicholas and me. This is Nicholas’ first ‘sick’ since chicken pox on 6/18. It’s good to know that his immune system is kicking into action and fighting infection. Even when he’s not feeling well, he’s still such a pleasant little guy. He was extra cuddly today, which I thoroughly enjoyed and I executively decided that we could both use a PJ day while letting our germies run their course. The sick-baby cuddle opportunities are great for attachment. He fell asleep in my arms today and made some great eye contact. I love holding him – especially when it’s resistance-free.

Nicholas slept 13 hours last night, 2.5 hours again this morning and 2 hours this afternoon. A couple of weeks ago I mentioned here that I thought our little guy was graduating from a 2-nap-day to a 1-nap-day. I was quite wrong about that. Growing kids sleep. He’s definitely growing – mostly cognitively and emotionally, but physically, too! We see no reason to change his schedule right now.

Tomorrow, we’ll see his pediatrician for his second round of vaccinations – though if he developos a fever we’ll hold off. We’re very curious about his weight / height though so I’m taking him over either way. He has nearly grown out of his 9 month pants (they’re definitely too short, but still fit in the waist) and is now fitting into 12 month pants (length is good, waist leaves wiggle room!).

Nicholas has started walking up to Max and giving him kisses on the snout. That warms this mama’s heart. Max is still a bit of a grumpy old man with Nicholas’ affectionate advances (slow, sweet and gentle though Nicholas is with Max) and he’ll occasionally let out a groan and a growl when Nicholas gives him lovies. Nicholas just looks at him, looks at me and walks away. It’s the kind of interaction I would expect to see between Max and a puppy if we were to bring one home (we have no plans or desire to bring home a puppy!).

Max did give Nicholas some puppy kisses on the hand today. Nicholas smiled SO big and then walked into the kitchen mimicking the big tongue licks that he had just received from Max – on the same hand that Max kissed. Disgusting, but so adorable!

I'm going to try and get some video clips uploaded tomorrow during nap time. It's more likely that I will find 10,000 other things that need to be done, but I'll try!

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Red Flags

I'm copying and pasting the following article from http://www.a4everfamily.org/.

Subtle stuff. We're experiencing some of this. I still intend to post an attachment update. For some reason, I just haven't felt like writing it.

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Red Flag Phrases

You may not think of these phrases as red flags. The scenarios we describe could all be "normal" or "age appropriate." Many parents, especially first-time moms, are likely comforted by moms of biological children who share stories about their children with the same traits—sometimes even more severe!--who grew up to be perfectly "normal."

First, let us say, attachment issues are not exclusive to adopted children. (For a thorough account of attachment studies with biological children, read Becoming Attached.) Second, similar symptoms can have very different causes and may need very different approaches.

Think of it this way. Your child doesn’t want to go to sleep. OK. We all know it is perfectly normal for children to sometimes have trouble sleeping. But what if you knew your child had gone to sleep with one family and woken up with another family? Would you think and treat his/her fear in a different way? That's what it's often like with attachment issues…something that could be “normal” takes on a different light when put into context of a child’s life experience. We cannot know what our children have experienced. But we do know two things--they have been separated from their birth mothers and have endured at least one, if not more, subsequent moves—enough loss to incite symptoms.

Many of us had a nagging feeling that something just wasn’t quite right. But many of us also admit to using these phrases to spend some time living in denial; time that is precious and irretrievable for finding and implementing the correct treatment.

Red Flag Scenarios

You notice something one day, something you'd taken for granted. You realize your daughter never faces you. Hmmm, you think. You notice she always takes a hug with her back to you. Not only that, she doesn't like it when you two are face to face. You mention it casually to your husband who says: "She's probably just more comfortable that way."

Your daughter is the sweetest child in the world--everyone says so--your playgroup, school, church. Sometimes you wonder how you got so lucky. You realize that at home, she is very directive. You're glad though, because you want your girl to be strong. It's just that sometimes you wish she'd listen to you without so much opposition. She tells you what she wants to wear, what to play, how to play, whether she wants pretzels for a snack. But, you remind yourself: "She's just strong-willed."

Your child is in the "I'll do it myself stage." All children go through that, right? You just didn't think it started this early or was this persistent. If you help her with something, she flies into a rage! Your cousin says: "Independence is good. Consider yourself lucky!"

You go to the playground with some friends. Your son takes off across the grass toward another family. He allows them to pick him up, laughing and chatting all the while. Your friends reassure you, saying: "He’ll probably be a politician!”

A friend comes to visit. She also has a baby, 11 months old, the same age as your son. You notice that her child comes to her for comfort and will sit contentedly with her. You try to hold your son on your lap for a quick cuddle, but he slides right off and heads back to the toys. You mention to your friend how your son never seems to stop long enough to snuggle with you. She replies, "He's just curious. A busy boy!"

Your 16-month old son doesn't handle crowds very well. Whenever you go to a party or gathering, he will have a meltdown within 20 minutes. Of course you are embarrassed and you say your son is just tired and over-stimulated. You are glad people around you seem to understand: "That's just early two-year-old behavior; he's maturing early."

Your toddler has started hitting. He occasionally smacks you in the face. Nothing seems to deter him from hitting his siblings. Your neighbor says that, just like her son: “He's all boy!” (Adoptive mom's note: "all boy" should apply to the fact that my son would sleep with a matchbox car if I let him. It doesn't apply to him hitting me or being oppositional.)

Ever since your child was very young, he would play quietly by himself. In fact, he doesn't seem terribly interested whether you come or go. He pays attention to a toy for long periods, playing it over and over again. You secretly think he must be highly intelligent. Something nags at your heart, though, but the nursery school teacher says: “He's just the quiet type."

You love your baby to pieces but she just won't give you any peace. She watches your every move and must have you within arm's reach every waking second. It's wearing on your nerves. When you confess this to a friend, she says: “She's a Velcro baby. Enjoy it! It won't last." Or, "You should have seen my (bio) daughter! Don't worry!"

Your 10-month-old throws fits. He pitches food from the highchair and screams. Your mother-in-law, a teacher, says: “He's just frustrated because he can't talk to communicate what he wants."

You visit a new church. Your baby reaches out her little hands to strangers to be held. Everyone tells you that she is the cutest thing they’ve ever seen. You’re proud, but wish she would look as adoringly at you as she looks at the strangers. Everyone says: “She's just such a friendly, out-going baby.”

He's drinking his bottle ... you look into his eyes...and he turns away. You also think it a bit odd that he doesn't hold you back when you hold him. You mention this to your doctor who says: “He's just not an affectionate/cuddly baby." (Phrase courtesy of a pediatrician who did not recognize this symptom in a child with attachment impairment.) Or, "Boys tend to be like that." (From a registered nurse friend.)

You call your son and he doesn't respond. This is happening so frequently that you begin to wonder if he's hearing impaired. You take him in for a hearing test and he passes with flying colors. Yet the minute you get home, it appears that he can't hear a word you're saying. Your mom says: "Selective hearing. All kids are like that. It's payback time for when you used to do it to me."

And, a note from an adoptive mom, "If you have to ask, 'Is this normal?' it's worth getting it checked out by an attachment therapist."


What some of these "Red Flag Phrases" mean to us

Strong-willed

A child with an attachment issue feels an overwhelming need to control everything in his world. He may demonstrate what appears to be "strong-willed" behavior, that is actually masking his huge need for control. He may tantrum easily if he doesn't get his way. He may also try to enforce this "strong-will" more at home with his family--especially his mother--than he does out in public.

Control issues we've noticed:
Brushing teeth
Getting dressed
Getting into/buckling/riding in the carseat
Diaper changes
Eating (including "picky eater", holding food in mouth for long periods of time, refusing to eat, throwing food)
Sleeping
Refusal to hold parent's hand
Insisting that parent ________ (carry him, stand when carrying him, come the second he calls)
Ignoring when he hears his name called (leading some to wonder if he is hearing impaired)
Refusing to follow instructions (leading some to believe that his language reception is poor)
Taking photos (child refuses to cooperate during photo sessions or develops a "quirk" such as always winking, frowning, sticking out tongue, etc… that parent cannot convince him to stop)

Independence

He may show signs of wanting to be prematurely independent: holding his own bottle, wanting to walk by himself and not hold hands with Mommy, not wanting to be held, walking away in the grocery store, showing a lot of interest in strangers. People may say, "He's just curious."

Early Two-Year-Old Behavior

Everyone knows about the "terrible twos": tantrums, short fuses, wanting to be independent, being bossy, etc… But what about when these signs appear at 9 months or 11 months or 15 months old? Often, parents of attachment-impaired children are told not to worry about their child's behavior, "Oh he's just more mature than most. It's the terrible twos setting in already." But what about when it only happens with mom? Or only when at home? If a child is in daycare, sometimes the behavior upon arriving home is called the "witching hour," chalked up to just being "really tired" after being gone all day, not recognizing that the behavior is happening primary with Mom and/or Dad.

Quiet

Children with attachment issues may seem to fade into the background, never asking for anything, always complying. She may sit on mom's lap for a long meeting and never move or make a sound. He may play quietly for hours, never calling out for mom. In many ways, these avoidant symptoms are the hardest to detect. No one questions the normalcy of a quiet, independent, well-behaved child.

Velcro Baby

Many of us (and the professionals around us), assumed that our children were well-attached because they wanted to be with us all day, every day. We failed to recognize this common symptom of anxious attachment.

Travel update & boo boos

Nicholas is such a trooper in the car. All said, he was in his car seat 10+ hours this weekend and has proven himself an amazing traveler, yet again (though he’ll never really have to prove himself following his 22 hour travel day – fully awake and nearly entirely pleasant – on our way home from Moscow). Our trips to and from St. Louis were uneventful other than to note that little man only slept for ~45 minutes on the way out there and ~30 minutes on the way home. Wow.

We had a really good weekend. Nicholas saw many animals for the first time - cows, pigs, horses, goats, chickens, bunnies, lambs - at a petting park in St. Louis. He had a great time playing with his Mimi and Grandpa. He visited his Mimi at work on Saturday morning and didn’t parent shop with ANY of the ladies he met (Nay, Nicholas!). He also ate jello for the first time, and loved it.

Nicholas did provide a couple of attachment opportunities on Saturday. He fell down a flight of stairs (ouch) and he choked on a cracker at dinner (another ouch).

The stair event was no big deal. We were hoping that he would learn sooner than later that he cannot fly and that we would not always be there to catch him. After the fall, he sat down on his bum to navigate the stairs the rest of the weekend. In fairness to him, he really doesn’t get a lot of practice at home. We keep the door to our basement closed. Nothing broke!

The choking event was a little bit scarier. Retrospectively, I think he didn’t chew his cracker enough and it briefly lodged itself in his throat both scaring and scratching him. In the moment, his face was turning red, he looked very upset and he wasn’t breathing in or out. I took my finger and swooped his mouth and found nothing. So, I did it again at which point I (fairly calmly, I think) said, “He’s still not breathing and I don’t really know what to do.”

I’m a little bummed to confess that I completely spaced that pat on the back step that I learned in my child CPR / First Aid class – so much for applying my newfound knowledge. But, retrospectively again, I’m thinking said cracker must have dissolved (or was never really lodged) in his throat and he wasn’t breathing because he was so frightened and was doing the inhale-over-and-over-again-cry. Needless to say, Nicholas did breathe and he is fine. I must say all four of us sitting at the table were calm and not freaked out. Nay us! I won’t forget that pat on the back step again.

After both of these events, Nicholas was appropriately crying and clingy – hence the good attachment opportunities!

I am also a little bummed to report that we forgot our camera. I will post some pictures of Nicholas’ weekend visit when we receive them from his Grandpa!

Attachment related updates pending - I'm collecting my thoughts.

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Noisy week = quiet blog

I have been swamped this week. My clinical scheduled has been booked, I've been grading final projects like a maniac because my quarter ends Friday (9/12), and we're heading out of town this weekend which always makes the week feel a little more compact / hectic.

I feel like I need a nap.

Nicholas is doing well. He had another scream dream after my post on Sunday, but hasn't had one since then. Wednesday we spent some time with Louie and I thoroughly enjoyed watching my little man socialize with another little man. Nicholas shares! It is so incredibly cool to watch him share with his cousin. I expected him to be more of a hoarder following his earliest days in institutional care - but, I was wrong. He's social and thoughtful and engaged and interactive with his peers. I love that.

Nicholas had his first PT appointment this morning. His therapist is Jillian and she's lovely - liked her a lot. It was really good for me to watch her play with him while deliberately working on skill deficits. I kept thinking, 'Oh! That's a good idea!' So, we have some homework and Jillian will be back in 2 weeks. He'll have PT weekly, but he has a ped appt next Thursday and will get his second round of vaccinations. I think that's enough for one day! And, he did really well today, so I'm hoping we don't need weekly sessions for too long.

Not a lot to update otherwise. We are still working out our options for attachment therapists. Interestingly, I'm feeling kind of anxious about it. I want to let that settle out a little before we tip the scale one direction or another.

Percolating.

We're off to St. Louis this weekend to see Nicholas' Mimi and Grandpa. This will be his longest car ride ever! We're driving out there Friday evening and I'm hoping that he'll doze off on the way. If he doesn't, it's going to be a LLLOOONNNGGG 4 hours. I'm anticipating a fun and relaxing weekend in St. Louis. And, maybe I'll even get that nap in!

Video and pictures pending - I promise.

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TB, BCG & the scream-est dream

Nicholas' TB test read positive last week - which is negative (sorry, couldn't resist!). Anyway, it communicated that he has been exposed to TB at some point in his short life. However, Nicholas was given the BCG vaccine in Russia. How interesting that I read BCG is the most widely used vaccination in the world. We don't use it here in the US - but, Russia has higher rates of TB so their kiddos are immunized. This is what I found out from the public health site:

BCG can cause a positive skin test, especially if the vaccine was given after early infancy, if it was given several times, and if it was given within the last five to ten years. Nevertheless, since many persons who have immigrated to the U.S. are at risk of TB even though they received BCG, the recommendation in the United States is to interpret skin tests and recommend treatment regardless of whether you have had BCG. In other words, if you have a positive skin test and are from a part of the world where TB is common, you should assume that it is due to TB exposure and implies a risk of future disease and not that it's positive because of the BCG.

So, Nicholas has to have a chest xray - I think. He already had one that his pediatrician ordered to check out damage from ricketts, so I'm hoping the lab can just send those films to Dr. Belcher. He wants to look it over to make sure there are no active lesions (Nicholas has no symptoms of TB, so we're not worried about this) and to see if there is any lung damage from any possible prior course of TB (certainly curious about this). The nurse who read the test told us that he would be treated prophylacticly for 9 months, which seems to line up with the recommendation above. I'll keep you posted. It doesn't feel like a big, scary deal - just one more thing that little man has to contend with.

Nicholas woke up from a scream dream again this afternoon - it had been a while. I want to make a bit of a distinction here. Nicholas also does wake up crying sometimes. There is a huge difference between episodes of him waking up crying from a sleep and episodes of him waking up from a scream dream. The biggest difference is the screaming (stating the obvious?)! The other big difference is his rocking - on his hands and knees - head down, screaming. These suck to walk in on. I hate to admit it, but when he just wakes up crying - I kind of like it because he's very snuggly and cuddly for a while. These screaming episodes are unfun through and through. They just feel like acute baby grief. Painful.

After today, I am feeling very relieved that we've made the decision to see an attachment specialist (more on this later). We just want to know if we're doing the right things for him.

Following the scream dreams, it would be very easy to let him self-soothe. He didn't want human contact today and resisted it with a vengence, but he was also entirely inconsolable in his crib. I cradled him in my arms and sang to him for well over an hour while he creatively avoided eye contact and screamed snotty sobs.

Matt told me I should be blogging about this 'so people know what we're dealing with here.' But, I feel defended writing about it for some reason. It is so vulnerable to comfort my son in his littlest, weakest, most broken moments. I feel fragile to criticism, but I also feel devastated and rejected and hearbroken and hopelessly flawed.

Sigh.

It's seductive to hear that 'he's doing so well' or 'just give it time' from happy outsiders who don't get to hang out behind his wall. But, Nicholas' wall is taller, stronger, thicker than one might experience through observation alone.

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Fruit & Flowers

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary. A lot can happen in 4 years!

Matt and I aren't major gift givers. We decided before our first anniversary that we would gift each other something 'traditional' each year - fun challenge, no pressure.

Year 1 was paper and we gave each other books.
Year 2 was cotton and we gave each other t-shirts.
Year 3 was leather and we gave each other purple luggage tags (trip#1 was pending!).

Year 4 is fruit or flowers and I think this is a really good year!

I took responsibility for the fruit and ordered chocolate covered strawberries...tasty!

Matt took care of the flowers and ordered roses and calla lillies...beautiful!

We both had busy days today, but it was lovely to come togehter at the end of it and celebrate wtih chocolate, strawberries and champagne.

I love knowing that 4 years ago right now, I was dancing like a maniac at our fantastically fun wedding reception. I have great memories of that day. And, I love that we have continued to make great memories together.

Matt is the ultimate gift from God in my life (though my son and my p's and my brothers and my Max - pretty much in that order - are really close 2nds!). I can't imagine walking through the last 4 years without him.

Life is good. Love is fantastic. We are so blessed.

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Shrimp for Shrimpy

Thank you for the e-mails and comments following my emotional rant yesterday. Some updates following your wisdom:

1. The stool test is for giardia - because he's not packing on the pounds (thank you MB!). If he has this, we'll treat it with an antibiotic.

2. Yes, Dr. B also drew labs for lead (I forgot to mention that one). No doubt Nicholas was exposed (hello rickety, lead-paint chipped, 3-sided crib in quarantine!) - we're interested in detecting the level of exposure. The first Federici conference we attended really freaked me out about severe levels of lead exposure. It can't hurt to test for it.

3. Regarding attachment assistance - we're leaning toward a clinic in Columbus, OH that offers 'attachment facilitation' training for parents of young PI kiddos. That really sounds like what we need. I'll update as we move forward.

We went to Bonefish Grill for dinner tonight and ordered popcorn shrimp and carrots for Nicholas (ordering off the menu made him feel like such a big boy!). He's not a huge fan of trying new things, but once he does - he almost always likes them. He got a pretty big plate of food and I figured Matt would end up eating ~1/2 of it, but Nicholas ate and ate and ate and ate his shrimp and carrots (all by himself, by the way). Just as we were worried that he was gorging himself, he signed 'finished' with a little food left on his big-boy plate. Wow! That was a really fun experience for us.

He likes shrimp. Who knew?

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IA Assessment / Validation

Well, Nicholas had his appt with Dr. Belcher yesterday morning. And, what you ask did our little charge do immediately upon laying eyes on his new, male doctor who wasn't even wearing a lab coat (like his Russian doctors and careproviders)? You guessed it - he parent shopped. Ugh. Dr. B said, 'Oops, he did that awful quickly, didn't he?' I confirmed that yes - our little guy is indiscriminant in seeking affection. We moved on...

Nicholas' physical exam did not bring any surprises. We reported the medical and developmental updates since we arrived home 7 weeks ago (vaccinations, audiology appointment and PT/DT plans) and Dr. B decided to run some additional lab work - specifically CBC, ricketts and thyroid (because he's so 'shrimpy'!). Nicholas was also TB tested today and will have it read on Thursday. And, we're collecting stool samples for 3 days, but I don't remember why! All in all, things look great medically - much better than we had expected as a result of our scant updates 8 months between trips for sure.

In and out in an hour and a half! As we were wrapping up, Dr. B said, 'You know, he came to me really fast and that's a red flag for potential attachment difficulties. Sometimes it can seem like everything is progressing well, then these little guys really hit a brick wall.' Then he told us that there is an attachment therapist in Indy whom we might consider touching base with.

I have to tell you - we were more validated by those 2 sentences than we have been by ANY professional we have spoken with since we arrived home. Thank God for IA professionals who get it - and darn people (professionals and otherwise) who minimize something that they really don't understand. I cannot tell you how many times I have felt invalidated by 'blow off' comments indicating that every toddler does (insert concerning behavior), or he's just social it's not a problem, or he hasn't been home long enough to worry about it, or he came home so young it won't be a problem, or he really looks attached to you. I have a refuting comment for each of these, of course. But, the reality is - none of them are founded in anything beyond opinion and typically they are founded in the opinions of people whom have NEVER parented a PI child who isn't attached to them!

I am so relieved by the validation Dr. Belcher gave us today - but, it's also exacerbated my irritation about how blown off I've been feeling. IT'S A BIG DEAL. And, it's hard. What we're doing is hard. It's not all rosey, it's far from perfect, it's not just 'going to work itself out' and denial commentary is irritating, devastating, isolating, invalidating.

Jumping off my rant...

Needless to say, we're finding an attachment therapist to assess the situation and coach us through our new parenting gig. There is only one therapist here in Indy, so I think we're going to expand our scope to include Cincinnati and Chicago. I already have calls in.

And, probably also needless to say, the 'no-hold' expectation has been extended indefinitely.

The only way Nicholas can communicate with us is behaviorally.

We're listening.

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Weekend update +

We had a great weekend – bummed that it’s over.

We relaxed, read, ‘swam’ in the hot tub, ‘hiked’ around the yard, napped, and danced to Lori Line...(aside from our nagging worries about Gustav, it was a stress free weekend).

It’s the perfect introvert escape – we’re already looking forward to April. Nicholas really seemed to enjoy himself and he adapted to yet another new environment very well.

In fact, Nicholas has had a very good week all said. We’re really thinking that last weekend with my family was a healthy experience for him to have – being redirected to us by all of the adults there may have really solidified his growing notion that we are sticking around and he can rely on us – only us from now on.

It seems as though he’s coming out of his shell a bit this past week – he’s more snuggly, he’s seeking us out more, he’s more willing to engage in interactive play, he’s talking! Some of the things we’re hearing form him are: hi, up, uh-oh, wow, and dada (mama only that one time!). And, he’s consistently signing ‘finished’ when he’s done eating – which is actually occurring sometimes before he has completely cleared his plate (good news for a PI kiddo)...

He's also waving bye bye (this was a delayed reaction to Matt driving to the store for some supplies on Sunday morning)...

He makes more noise in general these days – babbles more and shouts out loud sometimes. In fact, at mass on Saturday he shared a few of his shout-outs with the whole congregation! Nicholas is a little more evangelical than his introverted parents. It does seem as though he’s figuring out that he’s allowed to take up space. All of this new communication is sporadic and rarely on demand!

He even seems to be changing physically. He looks bigger to me, older (though he’s still wearing 9 and 12 month clothes). His golden locks are definitely filling out a bit (scraggly, adorable, no intention of cutting them in the near future) and he’s walking around much more steadily (though he struggles with pronating, which we’re hoping FirstSteps will be able to address). In fact, we even see a little version of a run budding!

This weekend, Nicholas also ate his first cupcake! We're having a welcome home party for him following his baptism at the end of September and we ordered him his own little cake since he missed out on this American tradition when he turned 1 (and, flame us now - we have no intention of having a 2 y/o birthday party for him so we're using this party as our chance to 'make up' for the profound loss of the cake-face experience). And, we weren't entirely sure whether or not he would dig in when prompted - so we did a trial run and he far surpassed our expectations of making a big 'ole mess! Nay, Nicholas!

And, quite possibly the biggest change happening around here is that I am falling head over heels in love with my son. I don’t know what’s going on with this or what in particular is triggering it. But, it feels so good. He’s so much fun and it is powerful to relax into feeling like his mother. I’m in the process of writing a private letter to a more-grown-up-version of Nicholas explaining in minutia what we know about his birth family, his relinquishment, his time at Orphanage #8, his adoption and how / when / from whom we acquired this information. It’s long and I’ve still only scratched the surface. Writing this has afforded me a very deliberate opportunity to connect with the grief surrounding his earliest days and the struggle that we all three endured in becoming a family. I think it’s helping me sort through the reality of all of this – it’s been so surreal for so long.

Some random updates / answers to questions that I've been meaning to mention here:

1. Nicholas is still sleeping in our room at night. I don’t imagine this will be changing anytime soon. It’s working really well for the three of us and I love falling asleep to the soft snores of my one true love on my left, the deep sighs of my sweet Max at my head on my right and the deep breathing and occasional body rocking of my miracle child in his pack & play at my feet. Surrounded by my three boys – can you imagine anything sweeter?

2. Fuzzi Bunz are a raging success around here. The #1 question I get is ‘What do you do with blow-out poo?’ That makes me laugh, actually. Nicholas is not a blow out kind of guy, but we have had some pretty unfortunate #2 issues in the Fuzzis. What do we do? We throw as much of it down the toilet as will fall off and then rinse the rest into the loo with a cup of warm water. If it’s a particularly messy one, we just start a load of diapers in the laundry. It’s really not a big deal at all. But, certainly it is extra work – won’t deny that. The #2 question I get is ‘Doesn’t he wet through the diaper at night?’ The answer is yes, he did on the first night and no, he hasn’t since. After the first night we started using a hemp liner that wraps around the diaper insert. Essentially it layers like this: outer diaper cover, hemp liner, cotton liner, hemp liner, hemp liner again because it wraps around, and inside diaper cover. He has a huge bum at night, but he’s doesn’t wet through!

3. Nicholas has not had a scream dream is well over a week (his most recent one was during a nap time and it was a rough one).

4. Nicholas is a sensitive baby – he’s reading our facial expressions and seeking our approval much more actively these days. He has developed a little biting issue, which appears entirely random to us (and, in fairness, this has only happened ~3-4 times total). He’s never bitten us when he seems angry and usually it occurs when we’re holding him and he’s fairly content or playful. Not sure, maybe he’s just a little over excited and unclear about how to best express that. Needless to say, when he bites me, I react! It hurts and it takes me off guard, so my m.o. is to say, ‘Ouch! No no, Nicholas. Don’t bite Mama! Be gentle.’ with a fairly stern voice and an ouch-frown on my face. When this happens, he looks at me with big, sad eyes and sticks his lower lip out before bellowing out with a very upset wail – at which point he burrows his face into my neck while I hold him. He’s a sensitive little guy. It’s a tough balance. I don’t know how secure he’s feeling with us, but I am going to have a little reaction to a set of teeth digging into my shoulder!

5. My response to a frequently asked question…‘How do you know that these aren’t just typical toddler behaviors?’ That’s easy – Nicholas isn’t a typical toddler. Nothing about his first 20 months of life has been typical. Why would we assume his behavioral communication is typical? Federici suggests that parents of PI kids should over-intervene. Too much too early won’t hurt a child. Too little too late can be devastating for a child and their family. If we’re doing ‘too much’ then so be it. We aren’t going to assume that he’s typical. It wouldn’t be fair to him.

6. Tomorrow morning we're trekking over to the St. Vincent International Clinic to meet with Dr. Belcher. It's been over 10 months since we 'introduced' Nicholas to him via pictures, video and the scant medical information we acquired on trip#1. I remember Dr. Belcher telling us last October, 'He's shrimpy, but he's not terribly off track physically.' He is shrimpy! And, he's not terribly off track developmentally. We'll see what he has to say tomorrow.

I'll leave you with a hot tub clip of Nicholas swimming. He loves water. We had some great attachment swims over the weekend! And, please trust that the water was not scalding our small fry.

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