Yesterday's glimpse

A glimpse into our day today would not have been very pretty, so I'm sharing some clips of yesterday instead...

I really appreciate the comments of support here. Thank you! Means a lot and it's just nice to have such a validating context for this new parenting gig.

And, JM - That is such a beautiful song and I LOVE that you and T sing it to M. So sweet. I'm adding that one to the musical library in my head so I'll have it as a resource during N's rougher moments. Thank you!

Solo-mom-day#2 had some rough pathes. My mom says that today was overwhelming for her baby, so how could we expect less of mine. Oh, the wisdom... The big-hunker of 2008 continues - with reinforcements! No plans this week. No plans next week. No plans.

The good news is, Nicholas is sleeping for the night.

Seriously - that's the good news!

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It was easier in Moscow

We had an opportunity to fly to Moscow Wednesday night (the very day we picked Nicholas up) in order to rush through our Visa medical and fly home on Saturday. I’m so glad we didn’t rush it.

It was easier in Moscow. No responsibilities. Mom taking care of me. And, I hate to admit it, but Nicholas was overcome with everything going on around him – quiet, focused, not yet grieving. It was easier – all the way around.

So, I’m reminiscing – watching some video and I cracked up watching this clip.

I think you will, too.

Our little guy LOVES to eat - bless his heart. He still gets excited when we sit him in his booster seat.

I also want to note that we had a great day today! Max, Nicholas and I all went for a long walk (yea Max for heeling right beside his new brother, yea Nicholas for being a great stroller rider, yea me for braving the baby/dog walk by myself). We also did lots of singing, playing, eating, and diaper changing.

Nicholas napped well and I was able to catch up a bit with my course work and e-mail (sorry if you weren’t one of the responses I caught up with – AND, I’m way behind in returning the personal voicemails – big apologizes on that one). I did some cooking and cleaning (wow, right?). And, I figured out how to upload video onto the blog so you loyal readers can have a 3D experience of our hilarious child! Way impressed with me. Nicholas and I capped off the evening in the bath tub and he is sleeping soundly - praying for a grief-free night; but feeling more ready to brave the storm if a rough one is pending. Today, I have felt deep gratitude that God reconnected us as soon as he did - so thankful he didn't have to wait any longer for his parents to bring him home.

If you remember correctly, Matt taught Nicholas fish lips on my first day back to work. The pressure was on - Matt's first day back required a cool learning experience with mom. So, today he learned how to flip himself in and out of his toy box! I have video proof of this amazingly acrobatic, not-so-graceful feat. I'll try to get that posted for you soon.

All in all - it definitely felt like a good first-day-alone-as-a-mom. Fun. Productive. Bonding. Can't ask for more.

Tomorrow is a big day – getting my hair cut (desperate need), grocery shopping, and our paperwork meeting with First Steps is tomorrow afternoon (N’s evaluation will be scheduled during this meeting). Good times.

That’s all for tonight, lovelies.

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New song, new reality

Nicholas is hurting. No doubt he’s in physical pain from teething and growing and learning at rocket speeds. But, I sense that he is also hurting emotionally. The past 3 nights he has woken up ~1.5 hours after he’s initially gone to sleep with heaving sobs – his whole body shakes and he drops huge alligator tears.

Typically when he’s held, he doesn’t hold on (making his 20 lb frame feel really heavy!). On these nights, he clings. He balls his little fist around a wad of my shirt at my left shoulder and digs his little fingers into my right arm as he holds tight. Usually, he faces away from me with his left thumb in his mouth. On these nights, he snuggles his sweet face into the groove between my shoulder and my neck – sobbing.

How’s that for a heartbreaker?

I’m finding PI parenthood remarkably unnatural. I love him – no doubt about that. But, I’m still not attached (some of you are probably thinking it’s taking me a while – it is – it will – it’s okay). This is nearly entirely cognitive for me right now. I think about parenting Nicholas. I don’t feel about it – except for an occasional bout of confusion. I am perpetually teetering on the balance between providing structure and discipline and fostering safety and trust. He’s tests boundaries – as he should at 19-months-old. When home-grown 19-month-olds are disciplined, they’re disciplined by a parent whom they trust implicitly due to an attachment that has been fostered since birth (ideally, of course). When Nicholas is disciplined, he’s disciplined by two people whom he doesn’t even know – he doesn’t even trust – he doesn’t understand. It’s impossibly unnatural to be forging a bond of attachment to my child – teaching him to trust me – and monitoring his developmentally appropriate boundary testing. But, both are equally important in his attachment and safety.

Interestingly, I think I’m projecting all of my Nicholas feelings onto Max. I am constantly loving on him asking him how he’s doing, if the transition has been tough on him, if he’s getting enough attention and lovies. It’s true – I am entirely attached to him. On some level, I’m probably just reminding myself that I’m capable of attaching – because right now, I just don’t feel it.

I’m worried about him – concerned for him – hopeful that we’re doing right by him. And, I love him so much it's painful. But, I cannot empathize with him – I can’t connect to his feelings. Keep in mind that this is what I do for a living. I’m pretty good at it. It’s really not difficult for me to access empathy – I have a ready store of it in my relationships with people. But, with Nicholas, it’s entirely cognitive right now. I am just a bit leery that it won’t remain cognitive much longer – getting triggered by a lion reuniting with his humans is pretty good evidence that it’s knocking at my door.

ATTACHMENT IS HARD! It is so hard. I’m having a hard time with it. It’s not possible that my son isn’t having a hard time with it. Nicholas is exhausted, overwhelmed, confused. He’s never had a human in his life for 3 weeks without fail. I’m the first one. He can’t possibly understand what happened to him, what is happening to him, why everything is different, why it’s not changing back.

When he cries – I sing. It began in quarantine and it continues daily. He’s mesmerized. Initially when he cried I would say ‘I love you’ in Russian and he would smile. The past couple of nights, he cried harder when I spoke Russian to him – so I stopped – and, just sang. Over and over and over I tell him that I will make everything okay, that he’s not alone, that it’s okay to cry it out, that I love him and will love him forever, that he can trust me, that he’s safe. He can’t understand a single word that I’m saying, but I’m hoping he understands my tone – my body language – my consistency.

In truth, I’m horrified for him having to grieve with two people he doesn’t even know. I know how terribly vulnerable this is and I feel desperate to earn his trust – to make it safer.

It’s big and we’re just scratching the surface. I have been anticipating an emotional brick wall and while it doesn’t feel like we’ve hit one – it feels like we’re thawing out. He’s getting familiar with us and that’s terribly confusing to his little psyche.

I was away at work today from 6a-8p today. He was asleep when I left and asleep when I got home. In 3 weeks, this was my first day not seeing my son and I had 2 hours in the car to think…ah, thinking. I think - the distance today gave me some room to process my own emotion about all of this - not feel it, of course, just process it.

Cooincidentally, immediately following this first day not seeing my son - is my first day alone with him. Matt heads back to work tomorrow morning.

Everything is new – for all of us.

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If you’re listening to the music, I sang ‘After All’ to Nicholas the night we spent in quarantine. I don’t really know why this song popped into my head – I think I sang every song I have committed to memory over the course of that long, emotional night! As I sang it – I was blown away by the power in these lyrics – and, how they can apply so directly to my relationship with him.

Communication across languages

Nicholas has stopped speaking all together – he’s not using his Russian anymore (even though I am) and he hasn’t picked up any English words (though once we did hear him say, ‘Allo!’ into the phone). It’s not uncommon for IA kids to come home and lose verbal communication. In fact, it’s not uncommon for young IA kids to come home without any verbal communication to begin with. He’s not hearing fluent Russian anymore and he does not really understand English. I’m not concerned about this.

Back during my teacher training days, I came across this quote and thought it profoundly applicable to life’s littlest learners:

Children must master the language of things before they master the language of words.
– Friedrich Froebel, Pedagogics of the Kindergarten (1895).

It is so beautiful to watch Nicholas learn the language of things. It’s great fun to be alongside him as he makes new, exciting discoveries about the world (like learning that he can push the buttons on his Mozart Magic Music Box with not only his fingers, but his feet, his chin, his nose, and his little bum cheeks!)

When he’s ready to learn the language of words, we’ll be eager to listen.

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Christian the lion (Update: I feel so much better knowing that Christian left them and went back to his life – they didn’t have to leave him again! If you're struggling similarly, you might want to read the article I linked.)

And, I'm making progress on the video clips...

Christian the Lion

You have to watch this - it made me sob.

There is nothing like being remembered - by a beloved animal or child.

Christian the Lion

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*Amended to note: I have not shed a single adoption-related tear since we got the call about our court date on 6/9. I've certainly shed tears, but not about our process, our pain, our son. This little video opened the flood gate. I can't stop thinking about how devastating it must have been to leave Christian the sweet lion again after a reunion like this - and, everytime it crosses my mind I get choked up and tearful. I think this is the first time I am processing how devastating it was to leave Nicholas all three times on trip#2. My heart is breaking in ways that it couldn't afford to while we were in process. I do love the human psyche - but, I desperately loathe grief. One of these days, when I have adequately processed the thick cloud of emotion that rains in as I can tolerate it - I'm going to let myself sit down and write about adoption grief. It's too big right now. But, someday it won't be.

N's first party

My younger brother and sister-in-law host an annual cornhole tournament at their house (you Hoosiers likely know the game, but, for those of you who don’t you can catch up here: Wikipedia: Cornhole - game). We were tentative to RSVP, but ultimately figured we’d give it a shot since Bryan lives less than a mile from us – easy escape to our house if necessary.

Nicholas had a great time! For the most part he was uninterested in the crowd and seemed to mostly enjoy walking up and down the porch steps (9000 times according to my niece) and being pushed around in his cousin’s little wagon. We left ~6:30 to get home for a bath and 7p bedtime.

I’m so proud of his adjustment. He’s handling new situations like a trooper. And, I must say, it was really awesome to be one of ‘the parents’ in a public situation – finally. I even had a parent conversation with one woman – which turned into nails on a chalkboard when she started asking questions about his infancy. “He actually just got home from Russia about 10 days ago.” “Oh.” Convo died! It was the only strange moment of the evening.

We have been actively working on some attachment activities with our small fry. In particular, Nicholas really struggles with human contact when he is tired. Of course it is lovely that he puts himself to sleep so easily, but it isn’t lovely that he can’t relax in his parents’ arms. Friday night, I was able to rock him for 25 minutes before bed! That was definitely a first. Usually when we sit down in the rocker, he wiggles, squirms and fusses – not relaxing at all (and, definitely shattering my waiting-parent fantasy!!). Our long rock may have been inspired by my absence throughout the day, but he settled in fairly quickly and let me rock him, rub his back, make eye contact and sing to him the whole time. I was so thrilled.

Today, Nicholas woke up feeling wimpy. He had a little fever, rosy cheeks, and was not his usual happy morning-self. It might be a bug – it might be a teething fever – it might even be a reaction to the excitement of yesterday; but after breakfast, he sat in Matt’s lap for nearly an hour! An hour! This is not a kiddo who sits to snuggle. 99% of parents will tell you that sick kiddos are a big bummer. Parents of PI children will tell you that sick kiddos are a lovely bonding opportunity.

Even when he isn't feeling well, Nicholas thinks Daddy's slippers are so fun! He puts them on and scoots around the house - pretty darn cute. And, look at his sweet little lion sweater from P&B!

I also wanted to share these napping pictures with you – Matt took these while I was at work on Friday and sent them to my phone (isn’t he thoughtful?!).

Note to self: Be thoughtful when Matt heads back to work on Wednesday!

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Quick confession – I have not yet put the video on the computer – something is feeling daunting about this not-so-little task. But, we did get caught up on our massive to-do list this weekend. I’ll see about posting some video tomorrow!

Family Day

Today marks one month as Nicholas' parents; 10 days home as a family. In some ways, it feels like he's been home so much longer than that - and, in other ways, it's still weird to have him here.

I got the same big, excited greeting when I arrived home from work this evening. I LOVE that moment. In fact, I think all stay-at-home parents should leave the house at least one entire day a week so they can receive a warm welcome from their kiddo(s) when they get home!

And, we're still getting the head nod from Nicholas while he stares at the water bowl! Gotta love him.

We have a very long to-do list this weekend - house and yard stuff. But, I've made it a personal goal to upload some Nicholas video and see if I can post short video clips here.

Stay tuned!

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Fr. Vince & Inna

We took Nicholas to mass this morning for the first time figuring a short, weekday mass would be significantly less overwhelming than a weekend mass (for Nicholas, his parents, and the other attendees alike!). He was wiggly, giggly, and a little chatterbox – but, he did very well overall. It was such fun to introduce him to Fr. Vince. He’s been a HUGE support to us throughout our path to parenthood woes and his friendship has meant a lot to us along the way. He will baptize Nicholas in September and given that he speaks Russian semi-fluently, he has consented to giving him a blessing in Russian! How cool?

AND…

We introduced Nicholas to Inna today (pronounced E-na, not I-na)! She was thrilled to meet him, to lay eyes on him, to sum up his development herself. The reality is, Inna worries about these little people right along with us. She loves 'her kids' and she personally celebrates all of their arrivals home.

I think Nicholas enjoyed hearing Inna speak to him in Russian. (Not just anyone is allowed to hold our son already - but, Inna isn't 'just anyone'.) Look at those smiles!

It was great to be at KF for such a happy introduction. We were originally planning to go up and see them on Wednesday, but Inna called Matt on Tuesday and told us that she wouldn't be there, so we rescheduled. On my way home from work, I called to check in and when Matt said, 'Inna called today...' my heart sunk! Because I am so used to painful news from her, I had a visceral reaction to the fact that she called. What a relief that she just wanted to reschedule our visit!

Nicholas had a fun little break through today (following up on his un-fun day of discipline yesterday). Max was noisily drinking his water this afternoon, which caught Nicholas’ attention. I was in the kitchen, too (it feels like I’m in there a lot lately!) and I watched him walk over to the bowl. After Max finished, Nicholas continued to stare at the water and after just a few seconds, he nodded his head ‘no’ and looked over at me! I clapped and cheered and told him he made a very good choice (he heard, “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah” in a very excited tone) and I picked him up for a lovey and a high-5! He laughed a big belly laugh – maybe because I was acting silly and excited, but I also think he felt a little twinge of pride for remembering that the splash in the water bowl was not worth the 90 seconds in time out! Yea, Nicholas!

I wanted to leave you with this picture of Max – sometimes he is such a puppy! I couldn’t resist sharing his adorable little, grey-chinned face with you. He's a good boy (though we are mind blown at how rapidly he became a begger at the table - everytime Nicholas eats)! Apparently Max is quite clever himself.

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Sympathy -v- Empathy

Ah, discipline! It’s not all fun and games around here. Some evidence:

Here’s our mild-mannered Nicholas in the midst of a tantrum

(I know it’s a little mean that paused to take his picture!)

And, here he is in time out...

Nicholas loves water.
We have a dog.
Dogs drink water out of a bowl – on the floor.
Oh, the temptation!

We’ve been attempting to curb his enthusiasm about Max’s water bowl primarily through distraction – giving him the benefit of the doubt that he’s not entirely understanding our English commands. Today he lost the benefit of this doubt!

This morning, he walked over and made a big splash in the water bowl. I sternly said, ‘No!’, wiped his hand off and pointed him away from the bowl, handing him a toy to play with – he looked up at me and walked away. 60 seconds later (I timed him because he had a mischievous little look on his face) Nicholas walked back over to the bowl, splashed his little hand in it and promptly looked up to observe my reaction. I scowled, said ‘No!’, swatted his little diaper padded bum, and sat him in the chair for a 1.5 minute time-out. He didn’t cry (amended to note that he did actually cry when this EXACT same scenario happened later this evening), but he did look at me very intently and then pouted. He’s heard no (and nyet) from me many times the past two weeks, but this was the first time I expressed irritation. When his time-out was over, I walked back into the kitchen with Nicholas trailing along behind and scolded the bowl – pointing my finger at it and saying ‘No, no, no!’ He stuck out his little lip and put his arms up for a lovey. I have some experience in this parenting technique with Max himself. (Of course, those of you whom have met Max can understand our powerful hope that our son will be better behaved as a result of learning our expectations!)

Just one of many pending incidents of discipline, I guess. Nicholas was a little more snuggly than typical immediately afterward – he probably wanted to make sure we were okay. We were.

LOTS of people have commented that in our parenting shoes, they would just hold Nicholas all the time, never discipline him, give him whatever he wanted – in effort to make up for his rough beginnings – and, of course, because “He’s so cute!”. That would be unfortunate, indeed. You would create a monstrous little narcissist whom would likely need professional services of the mental health variety later in life.

There is a HUGE difference between experiencing sympathy and employing empathy when parenting (and/or supporting someone in general). If you feel sorry for my son because of his early hard knocks – you’re experiencing sympathy. If you vicariously experience the emotion that my son has and will process as a result of his difficult initiation into the world – you’re experiencing empathy.

Empathy is the better bet – it’s not helpful to express pity (and, most of us don’t enjoy being on the receiving end of it anyway).

Toddlers are attention seekers – and, attention-deservers, certainly – but, only for the behaviors that you want to foster.

I don’t feel sorry for Nicholas. But, believe me – I feel for him – more deeply than I have felt for another human being. I look at him in wonder when I see him self-soothing in ways beyond his short years. My heart hurts when I think about how many hours he must have spent in the same position as an infant for his little head to be misshapen. It’s easy to ache imagining him just weeks old crying out and not experiencing the loving response every sweet baby deserves to experience. I don’t enjoy reminiscing about his physical environment and I’m saddened that my 19-month-old has literally no muscle on his skin and bones and is exhausted beyond functioning more than 7-8 hours each day because he has missed opportunities to build his stamina.

I feel so so much for him and his earliest days – but, not sympathy.

We would be providing a severe injustice if we refused to discipline our child because we felt sorry for him. We have a lot of time to make up for – 18 months of babyhood, sweet cuddles, and redirection. He’s a good boy, he has a great disposition, and he is clever – he already knows how to manipulate; Matt and I have the awesome responsibility of teaching him to make good choices.

Sloshing around in the dog’s slobbery water bowl isn’t one of them.

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It's all good

We had a good day all around...

Dr. Hodson's office called today (left a message) and Nicholas' xrays report that all is well in the world of baby-bone development (chest and legs)! He has NO major ramifications to his 18 month battle with ricketts - aside from his currently knobby knees. Isn't God amazing? And, they were able to ascertain which immunizations are current and which he is lacking (we're obviously going to bypass the chicken pox vaccine!) so, he will experience the catch-up shots in September...something to look forward to, no doubt.

Matt and Nicholas had a great Daddy/Son day! Matt sent me ~3 pictures throughout the day, documenting their antics. And, I returned home to three wonderfully-excited-to-see-me boys (Nicholas and Max showed the most excitement, I think Matt will need to work on his greeting to keep up!). I immediately picked up my screeching son only to have him show me his new trick - Matt taught him how to make fish lips! Hilarious. So, I gave him high-5! We taught him that over the weekend.

We have this awesome little kiddo in our midst, but fish lips and high-5 are the only 2 things that we can take credit for currently. I'm afraid Nicholas may be missing intellectual stimulation!

And, I had a great day at work. It was good to be back - knowing I don't have to leave again. It seems that I 'should' feel guilty about being gone, feel that I am missing out at home, feel dread about being away, feel that I miss my boys terribly - but, I didn't feel any of these things. Maybe it's because I have a paid hobby instead of a job! Ultimately, I feel really blessed that I can work part-time and be home part-time. It feels like having my cake and eating it, too.

So, it's all good around here.

Thursday is a big day for the three of us - we are trekking up to KF to meet Inna! I am so giddy about introducing Nicholas to her. Matt and I had a rocky start in the adoption world (big shocker, I'm sure) and Inna was the first person (ever) who gave us hope that parenthood was pending for us. I will never be able to clearly articulate the depth of gratitude I feel for her - she brought us to our son and she brought him home to us (with a lot of help from Sarah, et al!). She never gave up fighting for us - for Nicholas. Inna is the conduit God used to create our family. There are MANY people whom have been integral in bringing us together, some of whom we will never meet. But, Inna was the first - she's the reason he's here. (RD, I know I've said it before, but thank you for leading us to her! Such a gift.)

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Jen K - It's been a long time! If you're still reading along, send me an e-mail (psychologist@carlamorgan.com), I'd love to hear a life-update from you!

AW - hi and hugs to you and J! I've been keeping up with his progress. Give me a call when you can.

Thoroughly hunkered

Nicholas had 6 vials of blood drawn and 5 xrays run this morning.

He did great - but, we think Mimi & Grandpa may have heard him screaming in St. Louis!

He is a strong little sucker when he's angry! He's been a little out of sorts today - fussy. We're hoping for a medical update sometime tomorrow.

We have thoroughly enjoyed our hunker time. We realized that we never really take 'vacation' time and stay home - it's been really nice!

I return to work tomorrow - looking forward to it actually. I figured I would feel bummed about getting up early again (5:30a!) - but, I seem to have left my sleeping-in ability in Russia, so I don't think that will be an issue! M (of M&G) pointed out that when one only works 2 days/week, it's not really work - it's a paid hobby! I can't disagree with that, M. Plus, I love my paid hobby. Matt and Nicholas will have their first father/son day tomorrow. Matt returns to work on the 29th. I have yet to have a day alone with Nicholas! Pending.

All three of my boys will have a good day tomorrow, I'm sure - though I bet I walk into a major mess at the end of the day! Oh well.

It appears to be true that lots of love and healthy nourishment can trigger major growth spurts - just look at those feet!


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Russian, Adjusting, Missing out & Pictures

This is what an adoption looks like - our 'stack' of paperwork.

There is probably 4x this in Russia (Ekat and Moscow).

Please plant a tree - Adoption is not green.

Here is our tattered and torn KF file! Sarah gifted it to us at the airport on Tuesday night (so sweet!). It is so battered, it's not even re-usable.

Ekat adoption is definitely not green.

Nicholas’ receptive Russian is excellent. I really am glad that I put a little effort into learning some Russian to communicate with him – it does seem to be helping our transition that he understands what I’m saying and can respond to direction. He’s still saying ‘tu-da’ (In fact today, he said, ‘tu-tu-tu-tu-da?’ I have no idea what that was about.) and he said ‘allo’ once when I picked up the phone! We’re also starting to teach him sign, which we expect he’ll pick up fairly quickly at his age.

We are starting to see some really hilarious tantrums around here. Fortunately he’s tiny and close to the floor! When he gets upset (which is predominantly when he’s tired or he’s being impatient waiting for his food), he’ll dramatically fling himself – arms up – onto his back and let out a wail. He and I were standing in the kitchen yesterday and he was mad that I wouldn’t pick him up immediately. Brilliantly, he looked down at the hardwood floor, walked over to the carpet, and pitched his fit there. I know I shouldn’t laugh at him…

We haven’t run into major struggles with our small fry. He loves sitting in his stroller and taking walks, he’s great in the car seat and just stares out the window, he enjoys getting his teeth brushed (in fact, he enjoys grooming in general – lots of good TLC!). This morning we went out for breakfast and did some shopping at Target – he was great at the restaurant and sat happily in the shopping cart. I keep waiting for him to hit a brick wall. Other than being exhausted (he’s sleeping upwards of 14-15 hours/day), he’s really taking all of this in stride.

During the long wait, I struggled daily with deeply grievous feelings about missing out on Nicholas’ earliest days. It was one of the more painful processes related to our delay and could alternately trigger a flat sense of self-pity and an energetic protective rage that my family was so unnecessarily divided. I expected to continue grieving this as I adjusted to first-time motherhood to a toddler. It is pleasantly surprising that this is not a struggle right now. I don’t find myself focused on what I’ve missed – I’m exclusively focused on what I have right in front of me – for the first time in my life – that I worked so hard to create. I am falling in love with my son. And, I love loving him.

More pictures from the past 2 days…

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Riding in the car - there's so much to see

Love the rocking horse from Mo

This is how Nicholas wakes up - pointing a the ceiling fan, puckering his little lips and saying, "Oooooh!" over and over and over and over...adorable!

Impatiently 'waiting' for a walk.

N's first ride in the Target cart!

And, for those of you worried about Max's adjustment - just wanted to provide some visual proof that he's not overly distressed about his new gig as a big brother! He's not a beggar - how does he know that Nicholas is good odds for dropped food?

19 months and 9 months

We are so thrilled to finally have Nicholas home for a 19th of the month.

This 19th - Nicholas is 19-months-old.

9 months ago today, we boarded the plane(s) to Russia that would facilitate the initiation of our most life-altering event to date - meeting sweet baby Nicholas.

9 months!

I don't receive pregnancy-analogies gracefully - but, yesterday Dr. Hodson equated our nearly-9-months-between-trips to a nightmarishly long labor. That analogy I can not only tolerate, but I can fully accept.

I could not be happier that our 9 months of labor are over.

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Happy 19th month birthday, Nicholas. You make our hearts happy.

Mama & Daddy

Pediatrician appointment+

Nicholas met Dr. Hodson today. She doesn't wear a white coat, so he was just fine with her! He weighs 20.5 lbs and is 31 inches tall - long and skinny - and he is developmentally on par for his age. We were given orders for lab work to check his immunizations, xrays to identify potential damage resulting from a fairly chronic case of rickets, and an audiology referral to get a baseline hearing test. His 'heat rash' (my diagnosis) is actually scabies, so we are treating for that again (also treated for that while in Moscow, but apparently it didn't do the trick). Otherwise, all parts seem to be in place and functioning! It was a good appointment. We will follow up with St. Vincent's international clinic in early September.

Some of you have asked what Nicholas is eating, what he likes, what he doesn't like, how he is sleeping, what he thinks of the bath, etc - so, I figured it warranted a blog response! Nicholas has not yet been exposed to big-people food. It easier for the orphanage personnel to feed baby food rather than wait for the kiddos to chew. He was probably bordering on being taught to feed himself there, but is not currently doing this. In fact, when we put him in his booster seat - after his screech of excitement - he puts both hands down on the tray and sits there like an antsy little bird waiting for his worm. Too cute.

So, Nicholas' diet currently consists of pureed carrots and sweet potatoes, baby food, diced peaches, bananas (big hit), applesauce, cheerios, gerber puffs (big hit), baby rice cereal and oatmeal, yogurt, teething biscuits, whole milk, diluted apple juice, and water. Pretty basic, but we are pleased to note that he has still not expressed GI distress! We're trying to initiate things slowly - taking Dr. Ludmilla's advice. Nicholas is certainly a happy eater. So far he is not really showing preferences, however, we have learned that if he's fed something sweet to start the meal (fruit or yogurt) he will definitely reject his veggie in preference for the sweet!

And, he's sleeping quite a bit right now ~10-12 hours at night plus 2-2hr naps throughout the day. We don't expect this nap schedule to continue long, but bless his sleepy little heart, he's so jet lagged, he's still catching up from his sleepless 20 hour travel day, and he is getting more exercise throughout the day than he ever has before. He's exhausted. Once he has adjusted to the time changes and is feeling less sleepy throughout the day, we'll get him on an after lunch nap schedule - like he was on at the orphanage.

Nicholas LOVES bathtime. Sometimes we put him in the tub just because he's cranky. He splashes and laughs and has a grand time. When we get him out of the water though, he is so cold and shivery - and, he is so dramatic in his expression of being cold - it's impossible not to laugh at him!

(Moscow memory) When we were at the clinic having Nicholas' medical evaluation for his US visa, the doctor told me that orphanage-raised children are very independent and I shouldn't love him too much or I will spoil him and I'll end up caring for him until he's 25! I laughed. He didn't. I don't know if he just has a really dry sense of humor or if he's really that callous. But, at one point during his (very cursory) medical exam, Nicholas was fussing and the doctor told me that he's a 'drama baby'. That really made me laugh becuase Nicholas is hysterically animated! He is a bit of a drama baby - I love that about him.

Finally, it's been pointed out that I haven't posted any pictures of Nicholas with me! So, I'll leave you with some...

Enjoy!

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btw - K&D - Thank you for commenting! We had the SAME problem at DME passport control. Yikes. I was really (literally) sweating it. I can't believe your little guy's air kisses didn't do the trick! When you have a moment, email me so we can stay in touch. I'm glad you're home safe and sound.

In front of the beautiful perennial garden at NT Orphanage#8

Singing to my sweet baby (Dr. Ludmilla is in the background)

Arriving in Moscow from Ekat - He was enjoying his first big travel day

Waking up slowly

Red Square

Nicholas' first photo as a US citizen (touching down in Chicago)!

Hodge Podge

Yesterday Nicholas was walking around our house and Matt said (quite seriously), “What kind of walk is that anyway? Is that a waddle?” I cracked up!

When Max meandered in from his overnight at the Sleepy Hollow Pet Ranch, Nicholas stopped and stared. He wasn’t frightened and he wasn’t overly intrigued. He did pucker his little lips; point his little finger and say, “Ooooh!”

The first time Nicholas saw Max eat, he laughed out loud. It really is a funny sight! It is likely that Nicholas has seen a stray dog or two (or a pack!) while outside playing at his orphanage, but his orphanage definitely does not have pets - they have hardly the necessary resources to care for the little people who live there.

Nicholas loves to eat! When we put him in his booster seat, he gets exceptionally excited – screeches, laughs and points at his food. And, he has a wimpy little cry fit as soon as we take his bib off. Makes me wonder how many times he has ended a meal hungry. (But, please don’t worry – he is eating LOTS – there is no possible way this small fry is hungry when we wrap his meals).

He points all the time – it is so cute. He is intrigued by everything right now. It is such fun to watch him explore and discover. He gets particularly excited by the ceiling fans – on or off!

Nicholas walks backward. He took a few steps backward when we were in Moscow, but today he figured out that walking backward is lots of fun and he’s been trying it out all over!

Nicholas' 9 month clothes are baggy. He is so tiny!

He’s asking to be held more and more. We are making a very big deal of him falling down and/or hurting himself and he seems to be learning that he will get some affection when he communicates fear/hurt. It’s pretty darn cute, actually. He’ll fall, we’ll ‘Oh, Nicholas!’ him, and he give us a little fake cry and put his head on our shoulder while we rub his back. How sweet is that?

He communicates his sleepiness by whimpering, putting his arms up to be held, sucking his thumb, and rubbing his eyes. He also gets very wiggly. If he’s not over-tired, he’s remarkably easy to put in bed; if he is over-tired, he’s cranky. I have the same issue!

He is definitely still rocking. I think he'll always be a rocker. But, it does seem less violent than what we saw in quarantine. Sweet Nicholas.

I have discovered that there is nothing more loveable than a bathed baby in his pjs. Adorable.

(Moscow memory) When we were at dinner with M,G&G – Nicholas would reach over and feed his Cheerios to G, who was sitting in the highchair next to him – so sweet. Occasionally, he would reach his arm out and go for whatever G was eating for dinner and G would literally turn sideways and body block him. It was hilarious. It was fun to watch the two of them interact through meals. Two funny babies.

Nicholas is definitely bonding to Matt and to me. It doesn’t appear to be trauma based, but I guess time will ultimately tell. Attachment takes a while – we aren’t deluding ourselves that 48 hours after his arrival home he has attached. In fact, in all honestly, I haven’t. I am loving him more and more every moment, but I don’t yet harbor the “I couldn’t live without him” feeling. It will come for all of us.

He hasn’t called me ‘tyortya’ since we arrived home. I kind of miss it. But, I’m not going to foster it. Maybe he is already learning that there is a difference between me and his previous aunties. Though sometimes I do catch myself wondering whether or not his previous tyortya’s let him do whatever behavior I am redirecting (or not redirecting depending on the moment)!

When Nicholas smiles, his top teeth don’t show! He looks like a little old man – an adorable little old man, of course.

Motherhood feels natural for the most part. I’m not finding this difficult and I think the week in Moscow with N and my mom was an invaluable experience. I learned a lot from my mom, I learned a lot about Nicholas, and am finding that our transition has been smoother than I expected it to be.

Every now and then I notice a surreal feeling sweep over me when I consider that Nicholas is here to stay (unlike our neices and nephews who visit and then go home). THAT is a wonderfully strange feeling, indeed!

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First day with Daddy

Clean diaper!

After a bath

Eating lunch

Snuggle Bug

Does Matt look like he's enjoying this, or what?!

Dog update: Nicholas and Max are entirely apathetic to each other.

The Sleepy Hollow tactic worked!

All is well around here!

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Three weeks

Three weeks ago today, we were standing before Judge Sobleva defending our ability to adequately parent Nikolai Olegovitch.

Three weeks later, we are hanging out in our fairly baby-messy house, adjusting to life as parents to Nicholas Matthew.

Much can happen in three short/long weeks.

Our travel home yesterday went well. Mom and I did arrive in the Indy airport looking and feeling a little haggard, but Nicholas was a major trooper. Bless his heart. Here is the timeline:

Woke up at 12a EST
Left the hotel at 2:30a EST
Arrived at DME airport at 3:30a EST (N slept ~30 minutes on my shoulder)
Checked in and arrived at the gate at 5:30a EST (yes, it took 2 hours! **)
Boarded the plane at 6a EST
Took off at 6:40a EST
Arrived in Chicago at 4p EST (N slept fitfully ~1 hour on the seat next to me)
After passport control, customs, immigration & security arrived at the gate at 5:30p EST
Boarded the plane 6:40p EST
Took off at 7:10p EST
Arrived in Indy 8p EST and reunited with family & friends

**Note: there is no air conditioning in the DME Moscow airport. It’s a lovely airport, really. But it is HOT in July!

Nicholas was awake 18/20 hours and arrived in Indy with a smile and a couple of busy feet! Amazing, no?

It was such fun to see everyone when we arrived – our families were there (Matt’s parents from St. Louis and his sister & her family from Evansville, my dad, both of my brothers and their families!) and friends from Indy & Bloomington (some whom have known me since birth, others with whom we have forged friendships through shared Ekat agony!). It meant so much to us that so many of you came to celebrate this special occasion for our family. Thank you!

Nicholas was so cute exploring his new environment. My parents stopped by briefly so my mom and I could sort suitcases and my dad plopped right down on the floor in the playroom with Nicholas. Made my heart happy. After they left I took a hard-earned shower while Matt and N reacquianted. Apparently Matt also gave N a tour of the house! It was a teaser because all of the doors are closed again today!

And, on par with his typical, perfect self – Nicholas crashed in bed a little after 10p and woke up this morning at 8a. He napped from 11a-12p and fell asleep again ~2:30p (it’s 4p as I’m writing and he’s still snoozing). We think he has some catch up to do from his big day of travel and becoming a US citizen!

I should probably be sleeping right now myself. I’m tired! But, my type-A’er has taken over and had apparently decided that putting everything-travel away is the single most important task while Nicholas sleeps (well, that and updating the blog, of course!). I don’t even want to think about sleeping somewhere other than my bed again for a long, long time - travel is sounding entirely unfun right now.

Matt's family stopped by briefly today before they headed out of town to visit with the newest Morgan (not littlest, Nicholas has a 2 week old cousin!) and now we are hunkered down as a threesome until we feel ready to venture out into the world of 'everyone and everything else'. That may be soon, it may be later - but, right now we're looking forward to this next week of family time before I head back to work on Tuesday. Matt is off for a couple of weeks and I think it will be great for he and N to have some daddy-son time the 2 days / week I work.

I have so many stories to tell / recollect about our adventures these past 10 days. As they occur to me, I will jot them down and will post some ‘random’ tell-alls along the way. But, mostly, I’m looking forward to this blog becoming a means to document parenthood.

We’re parents! And, we have a really amazing son!

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Matt is on his way to pick up Max from the Sleepy Hollow Pet Ranch right now – yet another first pending for Nicholas! We decided to kennel him for 2 nights specifically because he comes home from there entirely exhausted. Max (our black lab) is a dog lover! We think he’s so excited to be hanging out with his own that he just can’t sleep the entire time he’s at The Ranch. I can’t wait to see my sweet, sleepy puppy!

Big days, Big thoughts & Big feelings (retro)

This is the post that should have posted on Monday - DS, you made me laugh!

Big days…

Yesterday was a busy day for us! Immediately after breakfast we walked to Arbat Street and did some shopping. We walked (with Nicholas in the carrier) for 2.5 hours! He was amazing. He is so intrigued by his surroundings when we are experiencing something new, he sits peacefully – eyes wide open. After a while, he did start to get restless (as did I!), so we trekked back to the hotel for lunch and his nap – he slept for 3.5 hours.

Last evening we met M,G&G (we really have loved spending time with them) for an early dinner then Nicholas, Nana and I jaunted out for a Moscow sightseeing tour ~6p. This tour was such fun and we were able to see so many awesome sights – including the big ones: Kremlin, St. Basil’s, Lenin's tomb, Red Square & GUM. We also stopped by a church where we bought a baptismal garment for Nicholas – special (MB – we didn’t make it to Detsky Mir). We shot some great pictures, Nicholas was on amazed/intrigued behavior and we landed back in our hotel room at 8:30p – little man was sleeping by 9p.

This morning he slept until 7:30a (lovely!), we had breakfast then spent some time playing in the baby room at the hotel. We did put him down for a quick morning nap since our Embassy appointment was smack in the middle of nap time this afternoon (What are they thinking?). Jane picked us up at 1p and dropped us off at the Embassy for our ‘interview’ (I had to raise my right hand and swear that the information in our packet was true to the best of my knowledge – and, given that I had filled it out, I’d best be knowledgeable).

When ‘The Morgan Family’ was called and I headed to the window, one of the other waiting mothers asked my mom if I have a blog! What are the odds that 1 of the 6 new families there would be a Carla-blog reader! (Congratulations to you K & your sweet little man! I hope you have an uneventful trip home. And, I must confess – it was a bit of an ego elevator to be ‘recognized’ in Moscow!) P&P, the woman who ‘interviewed’ me behind window #1 is a Weir! How cool is that? I asked her if she knew P and she said she didn't. We waited another somewhat fussy 15 minutes, collected Nicholas’ passport with his Visa to exit the country in route to the US and arrived at our hotel a little after 3p. No problem whatsoever.

Big thoughts & Big feelings…

I’m sitting here now – updating the blog for the last time from Russia. This step – the visa – was the absolute last step to completing little man’s adoption process. It’s the last requirement before he walks out of his native Russia and becomes a US citizen the moment we touch down in Chicago on Tuesday afternoon.

Profound, no? It’s intense to be sitting here next to my fitfully sleeping son on our last day in Moscow processing all that needs to be processed emotionally and cognitively. Too much, really.

I am overwhelmed with excitement about reuniting with Matt in the Indy airport. It’s been hard for him to be home this trip and it will be so fun to watch Nicholas react to his Dada.

I am thrilled beyond thrilled that ‘typical’ is pending for us – naps, baths, dirty diaper changes, snacks, walks, cranky fits – typical will be good. Our path to parenthood has been severely lacking in typical and, darn it – I want some.

But, I also feel myself grieving – this process, the people we have bonded with, the special experience with my mom, Russia. Sans the difficult judge, this process has been a good experience for us. The travel, while periodically inconvenient and difficult, was overall very good and I’m a fan of jumping out of one’s comfort zone and into a less entitled reality anyway. There is simply no room for entitlement when traveling internationally. And, the people have been good to us and some of them I have grown to love and respect deeply – Natasha, Olga, Dr. Ludmilla, and others have gifted us with friendship and care for our son which leaves us feeling impossibly indebted to each of them.

And, sharing the tail end of this experience with my mom has been fantastic for both of us. Many women are blessed to spend their earliest days as mothers under the compassionate care of their own mother and I am so thrilled that, while a bit unorthodox, my mom and I were able to share the same. I will never be a first-time mom again. This truly is a once-in-a-lifetime event and when we initiated N’s adoption, I grieved my ability to share a first-time-parent pregnancy with my mom. Isn’t God amazing how he just works things out?

This end-grief is palpable today – the end feelings are stronger than the beginning feelings, which I am hoping will ramp up for me in route to the US tomorrow.

Tonight we will celebrate with M,G&G. I’m really going to miss them.

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And then there were three

We're home.

I'm so relieved to be through it all - all of it!

You guys won't believe this - but, there's a child in our house!

Weird, huh?

Stay tuned for more about this adorable little creature...

And, for some reason the last post I wrote from Moscow didn't publish here. I'll also take care of that tomorrow. Sorry to leave you in such suspense!

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Travel update

Quick update tonight because I am exhausted!

I did want to let our local readers know that we are not coming home on Monday. Our US Embassy appointment is Monday afternoon at 2p (6a EST), so we wouldn't have been able to make the AA flight to Chicago.

We are flying into the Indy airport at 8:05p Tuesday 7/15 on American Airlines flight 4135.

I just didn't want anyone to show up on Monday!

All is well here. More tomorrow...

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This child

I won’t claim to understand God’s plan for our path to parenthood. Most of you do not know the details and I have no intention of recounting them here – today. But, I will tell you that it has been treacherous – long before our introduction to Nicholas – and, of course, subsequently.

It seems callous to state that it has ‘all been worth it’ in bringing our family together. I must be honest; I don’t agree with that sentiment. The death of one’s babies is never ‘worth it’ – and, to imply as such minimizes the grief that we process. But, it has all fallen out into our plan, our suffering, the path that the Lord has called us to – ours alone.

And, I will tell you that here – on the other side of my childlessness – I wouldn’t have it any other way. Oh, believe me – I will never revel in, nor do I believe I will ever truly recover from the losses of life that we have processed in our years together. I would have given most anything to have shared this lifetime with each of the children we have created.

But, if I had been granted this lifetime with them, I wouldn’t have this child.

Biology has been removed from our parenting equation – not medically, not predictably, maybe not even permanently. But, it has been entirely removed as an emotional necessity. In becoming Nicholas’ mother, I have simultaneously lost my generic longing for pregnancy and acquired an insatiable desire to have created this child. Though I clearly wasn’t chosen to play a role in his creation, his initiation into the world or his earliest days, I am overwhelmingly humbled to have been chosen Nicholas’ mother for the duration. It is the ultimate honor – God trusting my ability to receive such a unique an unimaginable blessing – following a stint in deep agony that he also trusted me to endure.

This child. God’s child. My child. Matt's child. Russia’s child. America’s child.

This is more profound than anything I have previously processed cognitively, emotionally, spiritually – leaving me changed – for better, for worse.

Many tangled webs have led to this ultimate perfection – this child, this family – ordained by God long before ‘long ago’.

It will be good to get home - to get started - together - finally.

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Still going well

Nicholas really seems to enjoy having a new, full-time auntie! He is already starting to communicate preferences and has decided it is more fun to cry and get attention than to go it alone. A couple of times he has plunged himself onto the floor in an entirely dramatic mock-temper tantrum just to see what I'll do! I have to admit, it's scary adorable. As I type, he is laying on his back in the crib, feet straight up in the air, alternatively babbling at himself hysterically and wailing dramatic fake cries. It's hard not to laugh at him. And, when he has an audience - he is a major ham!

Here's Nicholas in his feet-up pose

This morning we fed him breakfast in the room, cleaned up and went to breakfast ourselves where Nicholas proceeded to eat another full meal. Afterward, we played in the children's playroom (how cool that the Courtyard has this lovely perk) and had tons of fun.

When Nicholas started showing signs of sleepiness, we took him upstairs for a 1 hour nap before we trekked out to find Arbat Street. We didn't have great luck with the map and little man was hungry (again!), so we trekked back for lunch and another sleep. It's difficult to get our sightseeing needs met in the midst of a toddler schedule! When he wakes up, we're heading back over to Arbat to do some shopping - we're pretty sure we know where we're going now! And, tonight we'll meet up with M&G&G for dinner again.

Good day! Good baby! Good times all around.

We're missing you, Matt. Hope you're sleeping well right now.

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Catching up

Nicholas has made my first two days as a mother really easy. He is remarkable and is blowing both of our minds with his flexible disposition.

I’m going to try and recap the past three days as best I can before my memory fails me.

We left for Nizhny Tagil at 8a on Wednesday morning knowing that we had to be back in Ekat by 3p to pick up Nicholas’ passport. On the drive out there, we were told that there was a military presentation happening in NT, which apparently is an annual event, and Wednesday (hello, Morgan luck) was the unofficial start of the 3-day celebration – when all of the government officials come. President Medvedev himself was expected to make an appearance. Big day in Nizhny Tagil = big traffic on Putin’s highway. Vadim is a master on the road, no doubt – but, there is nothing that can be done about parking lot traffic. We were all four getting a tad concerned about pulling off our 3p return.

Eventually traffic broke up and we arrived at the orphanage a little before 11a. Dr. Ludmilla sat with us and acquired the final signatures required from me. She put her hand on mine while we were sitting across from each other at her desk and told me that Matt and I are ‘heroes’ for staying with Nicholas in the hospital last trip. From moment one, it has been evident to us that she truly loves these children. I know that’s not a job requirement and I must say that it was the single most comforting thing for us to recall when we were missing him terribly. In fact, during the long wait between trips, I was concerned that she would start believing that we didn’t want him and/or we were dragging our feet. Natasha translated that Dr. Ludmilla understands that the judge slows the process. She also thanked us for the gifts that we left for the orphanage – particularly the blankets and hats! Natasha told her that my mom made them and she smiled and told my mom that she has ‘golden hands’!

When we finished the paperwork requirements, she left the room briefly and came back with Nicholas. He was so excited to see me! No doubt in my mind that he remembered our quarantine adventures. It was adorable – he kicked his little legs, screeched, smiled and trembled all over. We changed his clothes and went outside with Dr. Ludmilla to take pictures of V&P, LH’s little cuties whom share more history with our Nicholas than we do.

We waited at the orphanage while Vadim ran somewhere to pick up some document that we needed from Nicholas’ birth city. While we were there, we played outside with Natasha and Dr. Ludmilla bade Nicholas her final goodbyes – made me very tearful. She wished him good health and a happy, prosperous life in which he will reach his best potential. She told him to grow up strong and she wished him good luck as he started his new life in America.

She told me that she was his first real mother – she has had legal custody of him since his birth. She told me what foods he has been exposed to and she gave me some suggestions for easing his transition. She told me that the first couple of months would be the toughest and to be patient with him and with myself. She told me that 6 more children were delivered to the orphanage from the baby hospital that very morning and then she asked me to come back – for a girl so Nicholas will have a sister.

All of this touched me to the core and though Matt and I have been entirely clear that we would NEVER put ourselves through the Ekat experience again, I must admit – in that moment it felt important to tell myself that I will be back, I will see her again, I will have another opportunity to convey the depth of gratitude that I will likely end my days feeling for her. I love her for loving him. It’s as simple and as profound as anything I have ever felt for another human being.

48 hours later – I have learned so many amazing things about my son, which communicate clearly that his life at orphanage #8 under the custody of Dr. Ludmilla was entirely okay. Without a shadow of doubt I know that he has never been abused. He is a trusting little man whom has not experienced a deep violation of his sweet nature. I believe fully that he was protected there – as best is humanly possible in an environment that is quite simply not ideal for children to grow up. I also believed that he was deeply loved by someone – someone whom was not capable of coming down and telling him goodbye on Wednesday. I have mixed emotions about that – it breaks my heart for her and for him; but it also protects it from a potential display of emotion that would have haunted my nights.

Though my mom captured each step on video camera, I have no recollection of walking away from his baby house with him in my arms. It was too surreal to remember – so many emotions indelibly printed on my psyche – it was just not necessary for my brain to be present. The drive back to Ekat was uneventful aside from my mom feeling very sick from being overheated (Susie fans – she has some stories to tell you about this lllooonnnggg drive!). Nicholas was great in the car, he was content looking out the window, wiggling minimally, and munching on cheerios. It was determined that it would be best not to feed him before we left ~12p because they didn’t know if he would get car sick and Vadim was worried about traffic on our way back.

We arrived at the passport office ~2p and Vadim dropped Natasha and me off so he could take my mom and Nicholas back to the hotel – mom still didn’t feel well and Nicholas needed a nap. All went well with his passport and I was back at the hotel ~4p. When I got there, Nicholas was just waking up, so he and I ate some dinner in the room, packed for our big trip to Moscow, showered / bathed and hit the sack!

We were picked up at 5:30a for our 7:10a flight and were so happy to see P&B in the lobby waiting to meet Nicholas! They reunited with their boys on Thursday – as did B&K – and, M&G picked up G on Thursday as well – all of them have very much been on our minds and in our prayers.

Parting ways with Natasha at the airport was a tearful event. I will miss her terribly and I feel so grateful to her for taking such good care of us – talk about a trauma bond! We are so blessed to have earned her friendship and I have no doubt that we will stay connected and we will see each other again (when we adopt Nicholas’ sister, right?!).

Nicholas was a major trooper throughout our travel day. He ate breakfast on the plane and snuggled with me while I sang to him – he was so sleepy. And, get this – he fell asleep in my arms!! It blew me away. He fought it so hard and he only slept about 5 minutes before I moved and woke him up after which point he could not relax back into me, but he did it – less than 24 hours after being with me!! I know not all of you readers will understand how profound this feat is – but, many of you will understand it implicitly. In truth, I expected it to be months before he would fall asleep in my arms. He is a trusting little guy. And, since we’ve been here in Moscow, he has become such a snuggler. No doubt he has bonded to me. In fact, I believe he bonded with both Matt and I on 6/19. He has not seemed traumatized by his experiences so far. He is intrigued to be sure – but, he’s not acting fearful.

Jane picked us up at the airport and we immediately schlepped to the photographer for his visa photo and to the bank for currency exchange and to the clinic for his visa medical – then to the hotel ~12p (he was awake minus 5 minutes for 9 hours by this time and was barely even fussy). When we got here, we fed him, put him to bed, had a carpet picnic from room service and promptly went to sleep until ~5p! We were all exhausted.

I am learning so much about this little guy holed up in our hotel room the past 24 hours (I do want to be clear, quarantine at the Marriott Courtyard in Moscow is significantly easier than quarantine at the infectious disease hospital in Nizhny Tagil!! Matt, this really is easy in comparison!!) - here are some standout characteristics:

He is flexible – imagine being plucked out of the only environment you’ve ever known and not screaming your head off
He is a smarty – he can put all of his stacking cups together in the correct order!
He is charming – he has a sly little smile when he knows he’s being cute
He is affectionate – big fan of the open-mouthed kisses, he’s also taken to running across the room into my arms when he sees me
He is willing to be vulnerable – he fell asleep on me on the plane and has done so again here in Moscow
He is inquisitive – he’s busy, loves drawers and cabinets
He is a fish – he LOVES the water and has been great in the bathtub!
He is sensitive – when he gets excited his entire body trembles!
He is little and long – skinny guy in 9 month clothes (which are even a little big on him), but his socks are too small on his long, little feet!
He is self-entertaining – opening and closing drawers and doors, pushing the buttons on the phone, turning the light on and off, carrying around half-empty water bottles and playing around with stacking cups has provided hours worth of entertainment!
He is fairly redirect-able – I learned that the mistake I was making in quarantine was the smile that accompanied my ‘nyet’ – without the smile – he takes me very seriously!
He is a great eater – he eats like a little bird, doesn’t make a mess, will eat anything presented to him and is not yet throwing tummy signals of distress (granted, we are feeding him a very bland diet per Dr. Ludmilla’s advice)
He is a climber – it’s a good thing Matt has child-proofed our house (but, he doesn’t seem to be rough and tumble – maybe a result of being raised exclusively by women so far)
He is musical – he loves to hear me sing and he sings to himself (he also talks to himself!)
He is PI independent – he puts himself to sleep, he doesn’t meltdown entirely when he’s tired, he doesn’t cry to eat, he doesn’t cry when he hurts himself...we clearly have some things to work on here! But, these issues really are making this trip easy for us.

What else can I say – he’s adorable, he perfect, he’s mine!

Nicholas is calling me ‘tyortya’ which means ‘auntie’ in Russian and is what he has called his careproviders at the orphanage. I am not correcting him other than to say, ‘Da! Tyortya Mama!’ It seems to me that he is communicating his satisfaction in me caring for him now. Eventually he’ll understand the difference between Tyortya and Mama – for now, it is entirely endearing to me that he is claiming me as his new auntie!

I am remarkably proud of him and I’m thinking that it will be impossible for us to adopt again because Nicholas is spoiling me.

Matt, I think Nicholas has a disposition similar to yours – what a blessing for me! I didn’t really want any Type A competition and given that I chose you and fell in love, it seems highly likely that I will choose him and fall in love, too. I think he’s a great fit for our family – all the way around. It is good. I can’t wait to see you with him – I think he will remember you – plus, I’ve been showing him your picture and saying ‘Dada!’

Right now, Nicholas is sleeping with his little legs tucked up under his belly – adorable. I’ll leave you with some pictures...

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Introducing our son...Nicholas Matthew Morgan

Finally - the long awaited picture post. Enjoy!

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Nikolai Olegovitch - registry picture (~7 months)Our first moment together...October 23, 2007 (Trip#1)

Sweet baby (Trip#1)
He really loved that car! (Trip#1)

Loving on his Daddy (Trip#1)
Snuggling with Mama (Trip#1)

Daddy really is that funny! (Trip#1)

The Morgan-Party-of-Three! (Trip#1)


8 agonizing months later...Waking up from his nap (between trips)

We reunited on June 19, 2008 (Trip#2)

Reacclimating to Mama (Trip#2)


Saying 'Cheese!' (Trip#2)



Riding in the ambulance with Daddy (Trip#2)

Big, wet, sloppy, open-mouthed kisses! (Trip#2)

A snuggle bug with chicken pox - see the green medicine? (Trip#2)

And, trip#3 pictures are pending...

Nicholas left Orphanage#8 and entered our family - forever - today - July 9, 2008.

Right now he is playing with stacking cups (the best gift ever!) on the floor with his Nana, has eaten dinner, taken a one hour nap and has a bath pending before an early bedtime.

We fly at 7:10a tomorrow - we're being picked up at 5:30a.

I am an indescribable mess of joy, exhaustion, overwhelm and relief. I wouldn't trade this feeling for the world.

Thank you, God!

Matt, I cannot wait to get home to you.

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Lori - oh my goodness, your girls are BEAUTIFUL and adorable and smiley. V waved hello and paka to us and P was all smiles! They were outside playing and Dr. Ludmilla walked us out there personally. I told her you are going to be a great mother to these girls. She smiled and said, 'Ochen harasho!' I think we got some great pictures for you (we took a ton). I will upload them when we get to Moscow and will send you the link. I am so thrilled that I got to meet them.

8 hours

In 8 short hours we will walk Nicholas out of Orphanage#8 forever. I am struggling to process all of the intensity behind this surreal emotional experience.

It's 3am. My mom says it's only the first of many sleepless nights to come. I believe this to be quite true.

I have been thinking about 'the beginning' of this adoption process (which we label the date we signed on with our agency, but only God knows when this process was originally ordained for us) and the absolute lack of altruism involved in our decision to adopt. At the time, to be honest, we were devastated in our struggle with infertility. Becoming parents became a mission for us - I didn't even consider the experience of our future child 'way back then'.

Today - all of these months later, I cannot slow the sleep-disruptive thoughts about Nicholas' experience of today (TODAY!) and the subsequent days, weeks, months, years immediately following this forever-life-changing event in all of our lives.

He's a sweet baby. He seems flexible and resilient. He smiles and laughs and kisses even when he doesn't feel well. He is remarkably inquisitive and is busy busy busy on his very active feet! He struggles too, of course. And, his struggles are plaguing my sleep tonight - while I desperately try to remind myself of his strengths.

In this moment, I am so in love with my little boy. And, I fear - I really really fear - that it will be so hard for him to recieve that from me. Tears.

DS - your e-mail last week was so poignant to where I have landed emotionally tonight. I connected with your words right away, but I am connecting with the emotion behind them right now. Toddler adoption is an emotionally violent introduction to motherhood indeed. It is risky, vulnerable, terrifying and powerless for all parties involved - an ultimate experience of faith. I have found much comfort in the 'progress stories' from those of you whom have gone before me (amazing, amazing women you are) and I hope that my sweet Nicholas and I will provide this comfort to others in the future.

It's okay. It's okay that I am awake tonight. It's okay that I am reflective. It's okay to be feeling this - big mass of emotion. None of this feels bad to me - it just feels.

It is my sincerest hope that when my child expresses his grief and pours out his fear, anguish, anxiety and anger - that I will absorb only what I must own and will stay present with him through each of his healing moments.

I'm wondering if our first one will be occuring in ~8 hours.

cm

Good news

It's been a busy day - good busy!

We set out this morning at 9:30a and traipsed to various government offices so I could sign and acquire Nicholas' adoption decree and his birth certificate. All went well. We also got to see the passport picture taken of him and he is ADORABLE! I will try to take a picture of it and post it tomorrow.

Yep - TOMORROW!

I'm getting custody tomorrow! We are running one day ahead of schedule and will be flying to Moscow on Thursday instead of Friday. And, we will be flying home on Monday instead of Wednesday! Isn't that fantastic? I am so thrilled right now I can hardly stand it. I will post flight details for our local readers when I have them. We will likely still be in at 8:05 on the American flight from Chicago, but I am not 100% sure. If you're local and interested - we would love to see you at the airport when we arrive home. We decided this would be a nice way to introduce our little guy to the masses without any expectations that we will entertain you! If you come, please keep in mind that Matt, Nicholas and I will be reuniting as a family for the first time outside of Orphanage#8 (and the quarantined hospital room!). It would be great to give us a moment before the big swarm!

Tomorrow we will trek out to Nizhny Tagil between 8-10a. There is a bit of paperwork that will be completed in NT since it is his place of birth then we'll head over to the orphanage; change him into new clothes; give hugs, gifts of gratitude and my undying thanks to his doctor and careproviders; and whisk him away so we can be back in Ekat to pick up his passport before the office closes at 3p.

Tomorrow.

This is the last night my son will sleep in institutionalized care. How profound?!

I'm sitting here in our little room at the Park Inn and immediately next to our bed is a portable crib provided by the hotel.

A crib - in my room! Big happy.

BIG happy.

cm

By the way - my mom is doing great and loving every moment of this experience! She wanted me to give a shout out to all of her fans (she says you'll know who you are!).

Reconnecting

Mom and I were invited to Natasha's last night for dinner again and we had a great time with her. She is such a blessing and she is an excellent cook. We had Russian salted soup and some very tasty Korean and Chinese salads.

When we were here before I asked her what I could bring for her from the US - she said, "Peanut butter!" She also reads Harry Potter in English, so I brought her the last book. It was fun to give her these gifts last night. Her 19 y/o daughter, Ana, was SO excited about the PB. Very cute.

Today is apparently a long day of paperwork. We will be picked up at 9:15a and don't expect to be back until ~5p. I have no idea what we will be doing, but Lydia made it sound hectic and unfun. We shall see!

More tonight.

In 48 hours we will be gearing up for the last trek to NT to bring Nicholas home. Unbelievable.

cm

Oh, LH - I spoke with Natasha about taking pictures of your girls on Thursday - she said that should not be a problem. I will e-mail them to you asap. Hope you're hanging in there.

Arrivals & Departures

1p Moscow (5a EST) 7/6 Sun

Here I am – back at the DME Moscow. We cleared passport control, collected our luggage, cleared customs (which was a breeze) and have settled into ‘our spot’ amongst the masses waiting for their flights. We’ll be here until our flight opens up for check in later tonight.

Matt, I am so happy that we booked the exact same itinerary. While I’m not reveling in yet another 11 hour layover this afternoon, I am entirely familiar with what we have to do and it’s eliciting far less anxiety from yours truly.

We checked in very early for our Indy-Chicago flight this morning because Matt was making the long trek to Evansville to meet our new nephew (b.07.03). And, (probably because we were massively early), we were offered the bulk head for our Chicago-Moscow flight! Yea! Let me tell you, the 10 hour experience in row 20 feels luxurious compared to the same experience in row 21. Such a blessing. If we are able to score the bulkhead again on our way home with Nicholas, I will be one happy woman. If Nicholas happens to fall asleep in said bulk head seating, I will likely fall to my knees in elation.

Mom is having a grand ‘ole time. She’s sewing away right now and we both slept for ~6 hours on the flight. We should arrive at the Ekat airport in 12.5 hours.

9p Moscow (1p EST) 7/6 Sun

Still here! Our wait has not been bad at all. I have caught up entirely on my international adoption journal (didn’t really update last time we traveled) and I even reviewed a research project for one of my students’ dissertations. Good to be productive.

We checked in at 8:15p, sailed through security, and are now sitting here waiting for them to announce from which gate we depart. We’re in the same terminal – this trip really has been an exact repeat of our experience 3 weeks ago. Matt, we didn’t eat at кафеманиа though. For some reason we were able to check in ~1 hour earlier last time so we opted for a slice of сбарро downstairs. Everything has gone smoothly.

If all continues to go as planned, we’ll arrive in Ekat at 3:25a (only 4.5 hours to go!) and I’m guessing we’ll be checked into the hotel and in our room by ~4:30a, at which point we’ll call our guys and go to bed for a few hours. We’re hooking up with Natasha sometime on Monday and we have been invited back to her house for another excellent meal! I’m so grateful and I’m really looking forward to seeing her again.

7a Ekat (9p EST) 7/7 Mon

We arrived, called Matt & Dad, showered, and are hitting the sack.

So far, so good!

I’ll update later today...

cm

Independence

It's independence day here in the US. I like the 4th of July. I just wish it would get dark earlier so I could stay up and watch the fireworks!

Matt and I have not been spared the irony inherent in this Independence Day 2008. Tomorrow I leave for Russia - without my one true love. This is technically our last night as a childless couple. It's our last day of 'independence' and 'freedom'. After tonight, our 'freedom' takes on a vastly different form - one which we are entirely incapable of truly predicting.

How do two introverts mark their last day of childlessness together? Go to a movie and have dinner at Bonefish - the very place we met 5.5 years ago.

So, here's to our happy loss-of-independence day!

Next post will be from Ekat.

cm

Understated emotion

To say that I am a little freaked out would be a bit of an understatement.

I'm a little freaked out - in an understated sort of way.

Today my mom asked me if I am as excited as she is that we're leaving in just two days. I said, 'probably not.' I think it's a definite.

To say that she's excited would also be a bit of an understatement.

Me? Not so much.

Excitement isn't exactly on the radar right now - 40 hours before this final trek.

I'm feeling a little like dead-woman-walking. I'm processing a decent amount of anticipation regarding the loss of my childlessness - permenantly - and, I must confess, I am BLOWN AWAY that I am somehow grieving the loss of something that I have not only loathed, but have worked my tail off to eradicate, for the past three years of my life. Gotta love it.

Breathing in - breathing out.

I have packed for Nicholas - he will be one stylin' little Russian traipsing around Moscow with his unstylish Mama and he will be smelling like a lavender dream as soon as I can get him in the bath. Baby clothes are so fun. And, I love that he is a small fry right now - makes me feel somehow that I have not missed out on as much.

I have not yet packed for myself and am instead productively procrastinating on all sorts of little 'to dos' that really just don't need to be done (the linen closet has been organized 1,000 times in the past 9 months and it really didn't need it's new found overhaul today...but, it is looking really nice in there!).

Why won't I pack? I'm a big fan of packing, organizing, repacking, repacking, repacking.

I just don't want to commit.

I'm not really going, right? I'm not bring home a child, right? Surely, I'm not going to Russia for 10 days again - already, right? I'm going to come home without him and get myself together first, right? I'll have more time to study up on this motherhood phenomena and prepare myself for the role transition, right?

One week from this moment - my son will be in my custody, sleeping (hopefully) in our room at the Park Inn. Will I ever sleep again?

I have no idea what I'm doing. Someone, quick, recommend a how-to book.

I'm a little freaked out.

cm

Thank you & Please

Dear Family & Friends,

Two weeks from today...

I am coming home - finally and forever home!

This is an exciting time for my little family and I want to take a moment to thank you for supporting my Mama and Daddy through their persistence in coming to get me. Their ability to endure this experience has, in large part, been thanks to your calls, your e-mails, your cards & letters, your blog comments, your thoughtful gifts, and especially your prayers. All three of us have truly been lifted up these past couple years and for that we are all immensely grateful.

Thank you.

Adoption is a beautiful enactment of God’s plan to create families. It is clear that I need my Mama and Daddy; but equally so – they need me. God chose me to fulfill their dream of becoming parents! This is a mutual honor for which the three of us need some time and privacy to celebrate.

As excited as you are to meet me, my parents are even more excited to introduce me to each one of you. Believe me, it will be difficult for them to refrain for a while – but, they must do this for me. It is their responsibility to protect me from stress and to help me heal physically, emotionally and cognitively from my less-than-ideal babyhood.

The truth is; I don’t really know what parents are. I am not accustomed to consistency in my careproviders and I have not yet learned that parents are the most important adults to whom I should attach. It will take me some time to learn that these two adults in particular are the ones whom will meet my needs, come to me when I cry out at night, hold me when I am struggling and celebrate with me when I succeed. Though everyone expects me to be a quick study I do have a lot to learn and the effects of my life in the orphanage are unpredictable, so my Mama and Daddy really are obligated to prioritize my needs and set boundaries for me. I hope you will understand this and be patient with us. We will all do our very best.

In the meantime, if you are so inclined, here are some things that you can do for us:

1. Please keep us in your prayers. Four worlds are being rocked (including, of course, our sweet, oblivious Max's pampered little world) by the creation of one family and we will each struggle in our own unique ways.

2. Please respect our privacy and boundaries for a while. My Mama and Daddy are good about reaching out when they need to – they will, I promise!

3. Please call before you stop by to visit us. My days are going to be very structured for a while in effort to ease my transition (and my parents' adjustment to first-time-parenthood to a toddler!) and it may not be the best time for a visitor.

4. Please check in on us! It is okay to call, e-mail, and check the blog for updates and/or to offer words of encouragement. In the process of creating a protective bubble around me, my parents may feel a little isolated – so, don’t be afraid to reach out to them. I think they will really need you along the way.

5. Please remember that ‘my story’ is my story. My parents will work to protect my privacy and you can help them by refraining from invasive questions about my past. If they think you need to know something, they’ll bring it up.

6. When you do meet me, remember that I don’t understand the difference between a parent and ‘just another adult’. I would LOVE for you to hold me and love on me or feed me or put me on your lap and read to me; but it will ultimately confuse me, so my Mama and Daddy will be holding tight to me for a while. But, even though you can't hold me, feed me or sit me on your lap for a while, I hope you will ‘get down on the floor’ and play with me! I have a lot to learn and I am a lot of fun! I think we can have a very good time together.

Again, thank you for your support and your excitement about my adoption. It means a lot to all of us.

nm

Note from Mama & Daddy - when you do meet our little guy, please don't feel obligated to bring gifts. Really! 9 months of separation from one's baby = the compliation of many toys, books, clothes and trinkets (through many amazingly generous gifts from loved ones and some fantatic moments of retail therapy!). In fact, we have designated a toy stash for the basement (once it is back in working order!) in effort to minimize overstimulating Nicholas when we get home. Max will be stimulation enough, no doubt. We can't wait to see you!! But, of course, we will wait a little while.

c&mm