I’m in-between so many things right now:
Trip 2 and Trip 3
10am EST and 6pm YEKT
Childlessness and Parenthood
My sense of readiness and My need for more time
Trust and Fear
Feeling love for my child and Feeling in love with my child
My desire to get him home and My terror about having him here
Life being ‘all about me’ and Life becoming all about him
A generic sense of responsibility and An attachment to that responsibility
Living as a family of two and Living as a family of three
Life with my husband and Life with the father of my son
Faith that God’s plan is for me and Knowledge that his plan can be agonizing
Relief that this phase is closing and Apprehension about opening the next one
Truth is, I’m feeling existentially angsty since we left Russia – and, interestingly it seems to be manifesting in a new, unique expression of death anxiety. Typically my anxiety about death involves grief avoidance – I do not grieve gracefully and I try to avoid it as best I'm able.
But, this anxiety is about my own death. I am entirely preoccupied that something is going to happen, ending Matt’s and/or my lives and Nicholas will never get home. It’s very disconcerting to think about the potential reality that we have acquired this overwhelming responsibility for his welfare and in the meantime – we may never get to extract him from his current conditions. Strange?
I’m also a little disappointed in myself for continuing to perseverate on ‘little imperfections’ – leaving me feeling shallow and heartless. I think I have a general idea why this is happening, but I don’t like this element of my humanity and I continue to hope that my growing relational attachment will, over time, remove these from me. It would probably be best for me to put some effort into exiting my cognitive coping realm and let myself experience the emotion that is creeping out. But, when I do that – I have to experience all of it. And, I really don’t want to.
In the meantime, I exited my 33rd year in the middle of the night. I guess I felt the need to really experience the moment because I have been up since 4am. I was wished a happy birthday by the woman who processed us through passport control in the US on Friday – thoughtful.
I think I’ll be celebrating and processing many moments of happiness in my 34th year.
cm
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Existentially in between
Moscow
I did not sleep the night after court and we had to get up early for our flight to Moscow. You all likely know by now that I don’t function well on little sleep!
Our flight to Moscow was uneventful – aside from the very hung over Russian gentleman whom sat next to Matt and literally took up most of Matt’s foot space!
We arrived in Moscow ~7:45a so we were driven over to the hotel in the midst of morning rush hour traffic. It took us 1 hour and 45 minutes. We had no problem checking into our hotel and the Marriott Tverskya is VERY NICE. We were there using Marriott points – otherwise, it is unlikely that we would have paid to stay there.
Matt and I were entirely tempted to lay down and go to sleep, but we were concerned that we would sleep through the day and miss Moscow entirely – which would have clearly defeated the purpose of staying an extra day! So, we decided to brave the metro and trek over to Red Square.
It was a little stressful – but, mostly okay. People were remarkably helpful. I sure hope that non-English speakers are treated with the same respect here in the US that we have experienced as non-Russian speakers in Russia. I know it’s hard for them – threatening – to communicate in English and/or with someone whom doesn’t understand them. I have been tremendously grateful for the assistance we have received.
We were so blown away by the beauty of St. Basil’s when we first saw it! It was too exciting.
AND, I haggled with a street vendor and got her to ½ the price of a little matroshka doll – which she had probably marked up 50% anyway. I was paying for the experience, no doubt! But, a story is worth $1000. Or, wait – is that a picture worth a 1000 words. Never mind…Since we were metro novices, we decided to trek back to the hotel before the evening rush hour – it was busy enough mid-day. And, we decided to celebrate expensively and lazily by having dinner at the hotel. It was FANTASTIC! Worth every ruble…
We got up on Friday morning and had breakfast at a little café just around the corner from our hotel. Then we packed for home!
It was helpful to be there. I really had two objectives – 1. for Matt to see the major sites since he will not be back and 2. for me to get my bearings since the next time I’m there Nicholas will be with me!
Missions accomplished.
And, I’m closing out the retro trip posts!
cm
Court memories
To be honest, I don’t have remarkably clear memories of our court experience. Maybe I was bit dissociated amidst my intense anxiety! So, I’m going to bullet point what I remember and if you’re a pre-court waiting parent, don’t hesitate to shoot me an e-mail and we can chat about your specific questions.
- We arrived ~20 minutes early and our interpreter and social worker arrived ~5 minutes later
- We were so nervous (in fact, my stomach is feeling some butterflies just reminiscing about it right now!).
- The courthouse in Ekat is very nice – it’s a new building apparently.
- We were walked through security and had to present our passports to get a key card that let us in and out of the building (one time use!).
- No water allowed, which was unfortunate because it was REALLY hot in there.
- We sat in the hallway and spoke with our social worker and interpreter for a while – we were all 4 feeling nervous – validating, for sure.
- At precisely 2p, we were invited into the courtroom.
- I was most struck by how new everything was and the boldness of the judicial seal and the flags on the wall behind the judge’s desk.
- Some of my previous imagery was correct: she was in her black judge’s cloak, her desk is elevated and large.
- But, some was incorrect: she did not look old (~40’s), she doesn’t have a tight bun of hair topping her head, there weren’t rows and rows of straight backed chairs – just one row for us (!), and there was a podium where we stood while addressing the judge.
- Court started with the judge announcing the case of N’s adoption and outlining everyone present: adoptive parents, interpreter, judge, prosecutor, court recorder, and social worker.
- Our rights were presented to us – the right to change any personnel present (except the judge) and the right to appeal any rulings at the supreme court in Moscow.
- We indicated that we were not interested in making any people-changes.
I started – stood at the podium and basically started telling our ‘story’ – why adoption, why not US, why Russia, how long in process, etc. - Every ~2 sentences I paused for translation – which was really nice b/c it gave me an opportunity to glance down at my notes and keep my bearings
~20 minutes into my talk, the judge interrupted me with a question (don’t remember it) and from that point on, it was a Q&A between her, the prosecutor and myself. - The questions were not threatening. In fact, all of them were entirely reasonable and didn't really vary from the list I've added at the bottom of this post (provided by FF to prep us for court).
- I do remember being asked why I don’t want to stay home with my son! Matt was, of course, not asked this question.
- I was at the podium for ~1 hour.
- I’ll remind you that it was HOT in there – I was sweating (I am not a woman whom glows!). At one point I could feel sweat falling down my face, but everyone was looking at me and it didn’t feel appropriate to take my hand and wipe it off! Please, etiquette police, tell me what to do in this circumstance: 100 degree heat in a Siberian courthouse facing the judge whom will determine whether we ultimately get to parent the son we’ve fallen in love with – to wipe sweat or not to wipe sweat? Matt told me afterward that there were a couple of times at which I looked very intimidated and frightened – interesting, I don’t remember feeling that way – but, it was apparently written all over my sweat soaked face. He also told me that he saw a drop of sweat exit the slippery slope by way of my chin! Gross! How funny that I have chosen to perseverate on this one little tidbit…bring a hanky ladies – and, take it to the podium!
- When the judge was satisfied with me she said, ‘Harasho, spaiseeba’ (good, thank you) and asked if Matt had anything to add.
- He of course said yes (we didn’t think answering ‘no’ to that question would very appropriate!).
- He did a great job!
- He was very confident and clear and he even made the entire courtroom laugh at one point when he animated how he and Nicholas fed each other cheerios. The judge laughed!
- Did I mention that the judge laughed?!
- After Mat our social worker stood and detailed our interactions with Nicholas, telling the judge that she believed his adoption into our family was in his best interest.
- She had very nice things to say on our behalf from the orphanage personnel and the hospital staff.
- Apparently, one of the nurses at the hospital told the social worker that until she heard us speak ‘a foreign language’ she thought we were N’s biological parents when we arrived in the ambulance. Made me smile.
- When the social worker was finished, we were all asked to leave the courtroom so the judge could make her ruling.
- 90 second later – we were invited back in and she said ‘Da!’
- The entire proceeding took 1 hour 50 minutes.
- We walked into the hallway after court and our interpreter said she had never seen court go so well – the judge was in a great mood that day AND we did a really good job.
- The relief I felt in that hallway was palpable.
- I felt like I could lie down on the hard bench in that hallway and wake up in a year.
Me being me – I must psychobabble for a moment…
I was entirely confident during the torturous wait that I would not be able to face this judge without rage welling up in my heart. I have been so angry with her for all the time that she has robbed of us – Nicholas, Matt, me, our families. But, the human psyche is, as usual, fascinating.
I felt gratitude for her. I was grateful to be sweating through that court proceeding. I was grateful that she invited us. I was grateful that she was bringing my suffering to a close (at least this version of suffering). And, I was grateful that she was making me and my one true love parents at last. Grateful. In fact, I even told her so – Before I started, I told her that we were honored to be present for N’s adoption hearing and I thanked her for inviting us.
Does this blow your mind?
It is the captor/captive relational dynamic. She perpetuated such intense suffering for us for a very long period of time – and my psyche wants to express the depth of its gratitude that she had finally brought it to a close.
I never would have guessed this about myself. I guess it’s something to know that I’m fairly typical in this regard.
Okay - the psychobabble has come to a close!
And, that was that. We trekked back to the hotel, called our parents, knocked on M&G’s door and celebrated with them over pelmini and vodka. Big dumb grins.
I think the anxiety predeeding our court experience was appropriate, but it was also not entirely necessary. We're so thankful that we were there on a 'good mood' day.
Please - let's all keep P&B and B&K in our prayers that she will be in a good mood again on 7/16!
cm
Here is the outline we were provided by Olga to prep our story – if you have questions about how we were advised to answer some of these questions / sections – ask away. If you’re waiting for court in Ekat – please know that you will be well prepared by your agency (FF & Maps are the two agencies we are aware that continue working in that region):
MOTIVES & REASONS
Why did you want to adopt?
Have you tried to conceive and what were the results?
How long have you been married?
ADOPTION PROCESS
When did you consider adoption for the first time?
When did you start the process (month/year)?
Did you try in the US? If no, why?
Why international adoption? Why Russia?
When did you go to submit papers to be registered?
When did you obtain the referral?
MEETING THE CHILD
When did you see him first?
What was his first reaction to you?
How did you feel when you first saw him?
How many days and hours did you spend with the child first trip?
What did you do? How did you play? How did you care for the child?
What were the dynamics of relations between parents and child from beginning to end of visit?
What was our conclusion re: adoption at the end of the first visit? What were our feelings?
How did you keep in touch between trips?
When did the 2nd and 3rd visits happen?
What emotions did the child express on the 2nd visit? Did he remember us?
What is the child’s attitude toward us today? What are our feelings about him today?
What is the child’s personality? What are his likes/dislikes?
Did you feel irritated toward the child?
Did the child show a negative reaction toward you?
Does the child differentiate you from other people? Are you special to the child?
HEALTH & DIAGNOSES
Are you aware of child’s diagnoses? What are they?
By what medical specialists should the child be observed upon arriving home?
What consultations did you get from medical specialists in Russia and the US?
CHILD’S BACKGROUND
What do you know about the child’s parents and other relatives?
What do you know about the child’s legal status?
Do you understand the risks you are taking upon yourself?
ATTITUDE OF FAMILY
Do your family members know about the adoption?
What do they say?
Who can help take care of child if necessary?
OUR RELATIONSHIP
Date of marriage?
How long did we know each other prior to marriage?
Feelings and values our relationship is based on?
Previous marriages? If divorce, why?
CHILD CARE PLANS
Who will be primary care taker?
Will we use daycare? Nanny?
How long will maternity leave last?
When will you return to work?
With what values do you plan to raise the child?
What is your parental philosophy? How would you like your child to grow up?
What values do you wish to instill in the child?
What methods of discipline will you use and what are your attitudes toward physical punishment?
FINANCES
What is your combined annual and monthly income?
To what layer of society do you belong?
If additional expenses are required for health care, can you handle them?
Do you have any serious financial liabilities?
Is the house childproof? How is the child’s room prepared?
What guardianship plans do you have for the child? Who? Relation to you? Their financial status and marital position?
COMMITMENTS
What are they? Will we do them? How?
What are your legal consequences post-adoption?
Are rights & duties the same for adopted child as biological child?
Has anyone asked for money?
Are you theoretically and practically prepared to adopt a child?
Describe your theoretical preparation and practical experience with children.
How will you handle sibling rivalry?
**BRING PASSPORTS TO COURT!!
Random thoughts from lllooonnnggg travel days
Please note that this is unedited - and I was writing amidst exhaustion - I'm asking for forgiveness in advance...
Wed 6/18 2:30pm Moscow airport
I’m writing here at the airport, but won’t post until Ekat (or later) because I don’t want to pay for internet access.
Smooth sail so far. We flew out of Indy on time and waited ~2 hours in Chicago for our 9 hour flight to Moscow (it was an hour shorter than anticipated because the wind was helping us along). We’ve been here for ~2 hours and can’t check in for another 4.5 hours. Thus we’ve been lugging our luggage (ah ha!) around until Matt found this stellar out of the way, air conditioned spot to hang out. At 7p we can check in and ditch our stuff and trek through security into the airport (we are thrilled that our entire luggage made it to Russia this time – we’ll be doubly thrilled if it makes it all the way to Ekat and arrives with us!) We’ll find a spot to eat dinner after we’ve checked in and I’m guessing we’ll start boarding ~10:30p.
At the moment I’m writing, we have about ~10.5 hours until arrival (if everything goes as planned).
I’m tired. I did sleep a drug induced slumber ~6 hours on our flight but there was a VERY LOUD gentleman sitting right behind us. Ugh. Every time he spoke (which was often) I woke up. I wish I knew Russian for ‘please use your inside voice’! Apparently my occasional glaring stare was not universal for ‘I’m really annoyed with you right now.’
This airport is pretty nice (relative note: our home airport is Indianapolis!). We’re sitting next to a DVD Cinema Bar where 2-3 people can rent a booth (looks like there are ~9 booths) and watch a movie. Currently playing: Троя, Властелин колеу, Гарфилд 2 and Аедникобыиэй Период 2. - no idea if they are English subtitled, but I’m guessing it’s a possibility. Maybe we’ll indulge my curiosity! Although I’m afraid if I sit down in front of a video right now, I will nod off immediately.
Wed 6/18 5p Moscow airport 
3.5 hours later – still here! I brought a book called ‘The Family of Adoption’ which I started here at DMO airport (sorry, Mom – just couldn’t get into the ‘no brainer’ I brought…and deliberately left for the next passenger in seat 25A should they be interested) and a very cool Irish woman saw me reading it and walked over to ask if I was Irish! That is the only time in my life I’ve been mistaken for Irish (or at least that this assumption was communicated to me) – how cool that the assumer was Irish and the location was Russia. Go figure. Anyway, she and her husband are leaving Moscow after having met their 18 month old here the past couple of days. This is their second adoption from Moscow. Whew – the process in Ireland is tough and long. It was fun to talk with her. They’re hoping for a court date in August and apparently Moscow doesn’t waive the 10 days either, so they have 2 more trips.
JO – I know you’ll read this at some point. Do you remember the tape you made me when we were in grad school for my trip to that trauma conference in Montreal? I put that Sophie B Hawkins song on my ipod playlist and was FLOODED with memories when it rang in my ear a couple hours ago! Couldn’t resist sharing…
Matt is majorly bored. This is not a state that he experiences often. (P&B – no McD’s to crash this time, so we haven’t been able to spread out and play Catan. Maybe after we check in and get through security.) So, to ease his boredom, I sent him off with the camera to get some pictures of Cyrillic signs so we can show Nicholas later in life (given he will have zero conscious memories of his earliest days in Russia). And, apparently Matt was reprimanded for taking a picture of the exit sign! So, he’s back now. We are 50 minutes to check in; and about 1.5 hrs to dinner after we’re processed through security. I must confess; I’m starting to feel pretty disgusting. And, I’m quite confident ‘that smell’ I smell is no longer just the guy sitting behind me.
~7 hours until arrival in Ekat.
~7.5 hours until a lovely, much needed shower.
Wed 6/18 8:45p Moscow airport (still!)
YUM! We had pelmini, Russian sausages, and salad Olivier for dinner at the Кофе Мания (Coffee mania) in DME section C. Tatyana – are you so happy? I am. Our entire first trip, I couldn’t find pelmini on any menus. Go figure that I would ultimately find it in the DME airport. Though I am still hoping for the street vendor experience in Moscow…
So, we’re STILL here. This is going to be a long post all said. Consider it multiple short ones if you’re overwhelmed! We checked in at 7p and sailed right through security. I wonder if Russians’ sensibilities are offended by the fact that US airports do not provide cute, blue, paper-ish plastic booties to cover one’s socks/feet upon removing one’s shoes for the security check. This was also the first time I’ve had to put my hands up (as in, “Don’t shoot!”) while being scanned for disallowables (Is that a word? No dicitionary.com access and I highly doubt I’m going to edit this before I post it.). P&B, something about this trip feels so much simpler than last time. Don’t know why – but, we’re hoping that we rode out all of our glitches on trip#1 (TBD!). B&K – we think you guys have ridden out enough glitches for a lifetime of Russian adoptions!
So - so far, so good. We expect to board in ~2 hours and to land in Ekat ~2.5 hours. Yea!
We’re flying Transaero from Moscow to Ekat. I haven’t heard anything about this airline, nor did I investigate before we left. I didn’t want to be nervous if it had bad reviews. My review (most importantly) to come…
---
Thurs 6/19 6:30am Park Inn Ekaterinburg
We’re here…All went well. No complaints at all. In fact, the travel experience felt easier all around and Transaero was great – I highly recommend it. Somehow it is significantly more spacious than most coach seats.
This post feels a little narcissistic. Seriously, unless you are our mothers – I doubt you care about the play by play of our 30 hour travel extravaganza. But, we do! So, there you have it.
At this point, Matt is clean – and, I’m long overdue for a shower. Big day today – please pray for us – feeling – definitely feeling. I may be able to articulate this more clearly after our reunion – and, maybe not.
BIG WEEK IN BETWEEN THESE TWO PARAGRAPHS! But, this is the travel post, so I won’t digress.
Thurs 6/26 10a Marriott Tverskaya Moscow
We flew out of Ekat this morning early and arrived without incident in Moscow. We used peace travel to drive us to the hotel and will definitely use them again – cheaper than FF and no problems. The drive to Tverskaya took nearly 2 hours b/c of traffic – we arrived at 7:45am.
This hotel is very nice, but 2 miles away from the City Center, so we’ll have to trek out on the metro – yikes. We plan to venture out later today…
Thurs 6/26 7p Marriott Tverskaya Moscow
Yep – we ventured out! The metro is a trip. I wonder if it would be a bit simpler if we lived in a city where we actually had a metro to practice with! But, we figured everything out and had a nice time walking around Red Square and seeing the sights.
Fri 6/27 7p Chicago O’Hare Airport
It has been a long day. No problems – just long. I’m so tired I feel kind of sick to my stomach. This whole trip home I’ve been feeling a little queasy about how we’re going to pull this off with an 18 month old in toe – not really looking forward to that. It looks like our flight home was just delayed for an hour because of storms in Indy. Sigh. I’m really tired.
If you can believe it - we arrived at the DME airport in Moscow at 12:15p for our 2:45p flight. All we did was check in, get ticketed, & trek through passport control - we arrived at our gate at 2:30p - over 2 hours later! Fortunately, we saw them allowing families traveling with small children to jump the line. I'm really hoping we're on the receiving end of that same courtesy.
6/29 UPDATE: we got home ~11p on Friday night. We’re both still a little jet lagged, I’m guessing it will take a couple of days to recover.
My mom and I are leaving on 7/5 – next Saturday! Our agenda is as follows:
7/5-7/7 travel
7/8 pick-up birth certificate and adoption decree
7/9 submit passport paperwork
7/10 pick Nicholas up!!
7/11 get N’s passport and fly to Moscow
7/12 N’s visa medical appt
7/13 Sunday
7/14 N’s visa appointment at the embassy
7/15 pick-up N’s visa
7/16 travel home – we’re slated to arrive in the Indy airport (and reunite with Matt) at 8:05p EST
Whirlwind tour.
Court & Moscow retro posts will follow.
cm
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
She said Da
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Ekat tourism
Here we are at the 'false' continental divide
And, here we are at the real one! 
We also went to see a memorial set up for innocent victims of the Stalin regime. Between 1930-1950, thousands of people were murdered and their bodies were dumped in mass graves on this site. This information was just released in 1993 when Yeltsin opened some of the KGB records to the public. The victims are memorialized here and their names and dates of birth / death are printed on plaques surrounding the massive mounds that house their remains. The youngest victim we noticed was only 16 years old.
And, our driver Vadim suggested that it would be nearly criminal for us to be here and not see the site where the royal family's bodies were buried after their murders. This site is considered a holy ground and houses a Russian orthodox monestary. The churches are beautiful on the inside - though we were not permitted to take pictures. Additionally, to show reverence, women are required to cover their heads with scarves and wear skirts that fall below the knees. Fortunately they had loaners I could wear. And, Matt was not permitted to take pictures of that not-so-beautiful sight!
The churches were beautiful. There is a monestary established on this site now. And, apparently they are also goat farmers!
We have court tomorrow at 2p (4a EST). We'll update here when we get back tomorrow evening. Feeling ready - a little nervous - mostly excited about the relief we will experience when it's done!
cm
Monday, June 23, 2008
8 months
We met our small fry 8 months ago today. That day / introduction has changed our lives in ways unimaginable at the time (and, no doubt, in ways forever unimaginable). I'm not feeling capable of articulating the changes that have occurred in me, in Matt, in 'us' as a twosome in this span of time - but, they are profound; for better and for worse.
This process of becoming parents to Nicholas through adoption is simultaneously the single most amazing and single most agonizing experience we have endured - individually and together. I'm guessing the same will be true for Nicholas. In two short weeks we will rock his little world - in the end, of course, for the better. But, he doesn't know this. In his experience, we will be removing him from everything familiar - everything he has ever known - everyone he has ever loved. In many ways it feels unkind and I am worried about his transition. He doesn't want me because I'm his mama - he wants me because I'm attentive. And, he's never had me outside his 'familiar'. It will be hard for him. I don't want any of you to underestimate this. He needs your prayers. We need your prayers. All three of us need your patience.
Today, 8 months later, we visited with our small fry for the last time this trip. He continues to break out in chicken pox and is therefore more green than yesterday. And, he definitely didn't feel well today. He was fussy and unsettled. But, he was still very glad to see us - he walked across the room right into my arms. And, again as we left he cried and cried. I am growing in my love for this little man with each passing second. I miss him already.
In truth, however, it was not difficult to leave him today. I think it would be nicer if I could say it bothered me, but goodbyes generally don't bother me (unless you're my mom, dad or husband in which case goodbye is agonizing). Goodbye to Nicholas will be more difficult for me as I attach to him more deeply, of course. Anyway, I knew this separation was pending and I have been shielding myself from the depth of despair that I endured for ~8 months between trips 1&2. I will see him again in two weeks. I feel happy about that.
Though I am crying as I type this. Hmmm...
As we were driving away today, Matt said, 'I guess this is the last time I will ever see Nizhny Tagil.' Quite possible. But, God only knows what our future holds...
We met with the social worker whom will represent us in court and had an incredible conversation. I know many of you readers have adopted from Russia yourselves and I'm thinking that our experience today was uncommon. NT is a small town and our social worker knew MANY things about N's family. Matt videotaped the entire conversation and we walked away with a lot of information we are thrilled to know; even though not all of it is entirely pleasant (who's story is entirely pleasant anyway?). We will hold tight to this information - sharing it with Nicholas age appropriately - as he asks questions (read: please don't ask us!).
After our visit we returned to Ekat, signed some documents Olga needed for the judge and printed pictures from our trip (P&B - you need to bring a digital camera so you can have the pictures printed immediately for court - please don't hesitate to borrow ours for your trip 2).
In ~20 minutes we're having dinner with the three other couples whom are here for court (M&G and 2 couples from CA).
Tomorrow we are going to the continental divide (I'm completely geeked about this!), the Church of the Spilled Blood (built on the site where the Romanovs were killed) and Natasha is going shopping with us again. We were in a hurry to get back here today, so we weren't able to stop by the site where the Romaovs were buried immediately after their murders. I'm hoping we can run by there on the way to NT when we pick N up on trip 3. The Romanov murders are a huge piece of Ekaterinburg history. And, I'm a big dork!
We will spend the afternoon tomorrow preparing for court - there are a few things we need to commit to memory and I'll need to practice 'our story' (for which we've been given a very clear outline and we can use our notes).
I'm looking forward to tomorrow and I'm looking forward to having Wednesday over with!
Thank you for your comments here and for your excitement, encouragement, support. Means a lot to both of us!
cm
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Court prep, Dinner at Natasha's, and Green Russian medicine
Saturday, June 21, 2008
I just felt love!
I'm sitting here filtering through our copious photos from Thursday / Friday with Nicholas and when I looked at that picture of Matt walking him toward the ambulance - I felt love. Wow.
It was fleeting, I have to admit. But, it was an intensely cool feeling. I'll keep you posted when it returns!
I just spoke with Natasha and our court prep appointment with Olga is happening from 1-3p today. Afterward, Natasha and her son are picking us up and will take us around Ekat to do some shopping AND they invited us over to their home for dinner. Natasha is going to show me how to prepare some food - she said she has already prepared one Kazakh dish for us (she is from Kazakhstan and has only been in Ekat ~5 years). I'm very excited about this.
And, we finally connected with M&G - spent about 2 hours with them and had great convos about our processes and their 5 y/o whom is also from Ekat. Very good to have them here.
I want to ask you to please keep B&K in your prayers. They are still waiting - what they are experiencing is feeling beyond inhumane and I'm guessing that the remaining shards of their sanity are skating on thin ice. We are all desperately hoping they receive their travel news early next week.
I'll touch base again tomorrow when we get back from our visit to Nicholas. I'm really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow - and, right now, I'm really enjoying the feeling of looking forward to seeing him. Whew - this process really does inspire jumping all over the emotional map.
cm
Friday, June 20, 2008
Nicholas
I am heartbroken.
I am scared.
I am angry and confused.
And, I’m exhausted...
View of the bedroom through the entrance
You can't really see the bars on the window - the little table is where we ate and my cot is to the right of it.
Did you miss me?
Settle in – I’m feeling an epic coming on (Ekat seems to inspire such posts) and it’s fairly likely that you will wrap up here feeling both mind blown and heartbroken – though I fully admit that may be an overt projection of my current cognitive and emotional states. Let me set the scene (I’m typing my journal notes from last night) and then I’ll fill in the gaps…
It’s 11pm in Nizhny Tagil on 6/19, my son’s 18 month birthday. It’s still day light outside the barred windows of this hospital room. Nicholas is awake; lying on a thin plastic mattress lining a rickety metal 3-sided crib which is pushed up against the blue tiled wall on which he is alternately pounding his bare feet and hands. In between this pounding occur heartbreakingly violent episodes of rocking (more like thrashing) his head back and forth in the most intense display of over stimulated self-soothing I have witnessed in such a small fry. Nicholas is struggling – we’re so thankful that we arrived on 6/19 and not a day later.
My sweet husband (up for father of the universe for all eternity as far as my vote counts), at the end of this first day of our little family reunion is lying on a similarly thin mattress covering the exposed springs of a similarly rickety metal cot pushed up against that same blue tile – facing our son’s crib. I hear him alternating between his signature sighs, soft snores of exhaustion, and nearly undetectable smiles expressing his amusement watching ‘the adorable’ whom is our quite entertaining, indescribably beautiful (in a distant, eerily independent PI sort of way) 18 month old son.
Me? Well, I’m a wreck. I’m across the little room in a cot identical to Matt’s (my mattress is red, however – his is green) deliberately pressing my t-shirt bare arm along the tiles in effort to cool my body temperature. It is stiflingly hot and I’m filthy, sweaty, smelly – uncomfortable indeed. While Matt alternates between sighs, snores and smiles, I find myself flipping back and forth between two irreconcilable states:
I am someone’s child – laying here stifling sobs; homesick for my mom; entirely illequipped to manage the magnitude of emotion facing me right now and in my forsesable future; feeling horribly triggered – powerless, trapped, terrified, lonely and muted.
I am also someone’s wife and another’s mother – praying fervently for peace – Nicholas’, Matt’s, mine; singing aloud every song I’ve ever committed to memory in effort to sooth the small one (but significantly more successful in soothing the bigger one!); and processing an overwhelming need to protect all three of us from the ongoing debacles that seem to plague our ‘simple plans’.
What can I say? It’s the Morgan luck. And, though Nicholas is not yet legally a Morgan – his luck is really fitting the theme established by his Mama and Daddy.
We arrived in Ekat at 3:30am on 6/19 – 30 hours after we left home. Our trip, while long – was ultimately uneventful. The facilitators of the non-profit organization for which we brought the two big tents were waiting with a name sign and a beautiful white rose thanking us for the delivery. Very sweet! And, Lydia was waiting as well with a big wave and a familiar smile – the first ‘familiar’ we had experienced since leaving the Chicago airport.
We got to the Park Inn, check in, showered, called our parents, ate some breakfast and were in bed by 6:30a – with a pending 10a wakeup call so we could meet Olga in the lobby at 11a. She arrived at 11:30a, discussed the business of the week, collected payment and we were on our way to NT by 12:15p. Upon our arrival (~2:30p) the orphanage doctor (one whom we had not previously met) informed us that Nicholas had been hospitalized (5/29-6/7) for an ear infection (yes, 10 days for an ear infection!) and had apparently woken up just this morning with chicken pox they believe he acquired during his hospital stay (brilliant, no?). After much ado about something indeed – emergency transport was called and we were to accompany our little man to the hospital with our driver and interpreter, Natasha (whom we LOVE), following behind the ambulance.
The ambulance ride was an adventure in and of itself – I’ll leave that one for another day…
We arrived at the hospital ~10 minutes later and Nicholas was examined by a doctor and 2-3 nurses. It was utter chaos in the little room and while ultimately the doctor didn’t think he had chicken pox, she did want him to stay the night – quarantined – just in case. And, given his age, Natalya translated that Nicholas is much too young to stay in the hospital alone, so they (the hospital staff) wanted me to stay with him. I told her I would stay – her mouth dropped to the floor and joined my heart which had dropped there when she was asking the question. Simultaneously, the hospital staff smiled gratefully (the head nurse, whom was under staffed and did not want Nicholas spending the night alone – ALONE) and frowned disapprovingly (the physician on call/site whom had determined that I’m not his mother and should not be staying with him – and technically, she is correct – we do not have parental rights). I asked if Matt could stay with me as well – indicating quite clearly that I did not want to stay there alone. This caused some hub bub (some advocates, some antagonists), but he head physician of the hospital was called and she approved both of us staying with Nicholas (Apparently dads never stay in the hospital with their kids – happily, non-Russian speaking, American dads are allowed!).
It’s 5:30pm at the time in which this decision in arrived. I can tell that Natalya is worried about us. She took us to the Мегамарт for some food and supplies: diapers, wipes, baby food, kotlet, salad Olivia, potato & mushroom blini, potato chips (сметана и зелень),water and OJ. She also left her cell phone for us so we could call her and/or Olga should the need arise. Then, with a concerned, sympathetic look on her face, she departed – stating that we are already parents, she respects our bravery and Kolya is a very lucky boy. She promised to return as soon as possible in the morning to relieve us for the day so we could trek back to Ekat, clean up, gather our things and return for another night (nights?) at the hospital with Nicholas.
Though we were nearly entirely unable to communicate, the head nurse was gracious and appreciative that we were there. She took good care of us – brought us sheets, a towel, kasha and tea, showed us where the emergency call button was and bid us good night – pad locking us in for the night ~10:30pm (yes, we were pad locked into a window-barred quarantined hospital room with our 18 month old whom we had reunited with ~8 hours prior after only 3.5 hours of sleep following a 30 hour travel day).
This morning, the sun came up ~4:30am after which time I have been sitting here writing, praying, and listening to the cacophony of noises our little one makes in his sleep. It’s nearly 7am. Nicholas is sleeping. Matt is reading. And, I am overwhelmed to be a mom.
RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM A PAD LOCKED NT HOSPITAL ROOM IN QUARANTINE:
Lyrics take on a whole new meaning when I’m singing them to my child.
I am thankful that we go to experience this night with Nicholas – gave us a heads up of what’s to come. And, oh so much is to come…
I don’t like the smell of him – can’t wait to give him a bath and put clean clothes on him.
I can sleep darn near anywhere for a couple of hours.
It’s amazing how far a little miming can go when communicating across languages.
At least we had a private bathroom (betcha can’t wait to see the pictures!).
Prior to tonight I would have told you that being pad locked into a room with barred windows would be scary. I’m finding it strangely comforting – in a claustrophobic sort of way.
In the past 60 hours, I have slept a grand total of 10 hours (in flight, at the Park Inn and on this little cot) and have been with my son 24 of them.
--------------
So, there you have it – literally a day in the life – my life. Seriously?!
Nicholas' diagnoses of chicken pox was confirmed this morning (both Matt and I have already had them). He is quarantined for 10 days (yep, 10 days again) while he ‘recovers’ / smothers from the bordering-inhumane humidity and lack of air flow. Olga blessedly arranged for nursing care through the night for him so we will not stay over, but will visit him there during the day. In the grand scheme of things, I think we were more trouble for the staff than we were worth We will not be back there until Sunday.
Tomorrow I’ll add some pictures and tell you some Nicholas stories. He is quite a little guy! And, our 24 hour visit provided us a great opportunity to learn about him, bond a bit with him, and get a heads up about the challenges he/we will face together. So, stay tuned for my Nicholas post sometime tomorrow.
For now, I’m off to sleep, sleep, sleep, eat and sleep some more.
Please pray for us – especially our little man. His current location is entirely unfun. I hate that he’s there.
cm
Monday, June 16, 2008
And, we're off!
We're packed - in one suitcase and 2 backpacks for 10 days! Packing light is an art which we take very seriously. I'm proud of us!
We're also bringing two very large tents for a non-profit organization in Ekat for summer camping trips they have planned for some orphanages housing older children in the region and one very large bag of donations for Nicholas' baby house. So, we will look pretty high maintenance when we arrive in Moscow :) Fortunately, the tents will be picked up at the Ekat airport - signifiantly lowering our maintenance status upon arrival.
We fly out of Indy tomorrow afternoon at ~2p EST.
We're in Chicago from ~3-6p EST and arrive in Moscow at ~4a EST.
Our flight to Ekat leaves Moscow at ~3p EST and lands in Ekat at ~5:30p EST.
Including the time we'll be sitting in the Indy ariport, we'll be in transit for ~30 hours - if all goes according to plan (P&B - we packed Catan in our carry on!).
Ekat time we will arrive ~3:30a and we're hoping to sleep, shower, eat breakfast and trek out to NT to see our little man late morning. We anticipate loving on Nicholas by ~12a EST Thursday.
Tomorrow morning our insurance adjustor will be here from 10-11a and restoration services will pick up their big dryers in our basement sometime in the morning. Today we ordered carpet and are hoping to have it installed shortly after we get home - so we can get our stuff back down there before Nicholas gets home two weeks later. The basement is on the mend.
Whirlwind tour through life right now.
Still joyful - and a tad anxious about facing the judge next week. I'm sure I'll have some good stories to tell re: travel, fine Ekat living, court, and putting my stellar Russian skills to use in our dire quest to eat dinner outside of the Park Inn.
Someday Nicholas will get a big kick out of our Ekat adoption antics. In the meantime, we hope to survive the pending antics with good humor and grace.
Thank you for your excitement this week. Know that your prayers mean A LOT to us right now - always.
We'll let you know when we arrive.
2 days 'til Nicholas!
cm
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Happy Father's Day
Happy 1st Father's day, Matt! I'm so excited to parent Nicholas with you.
Happy Father's day to you, too Dad! It was really good to see you today.
I love my guys!
cm
And, extra special thoughts for all of you Dads whom have not yet reunited with your kiddos - you know who you are. We are praying for you.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Countdown to Nicholas
6 days...
JOY - I am joyful. There is no other word to describe the overriding emotion right now. There have been MANY emotions clouding my psyche this week; but joy wins!
One week from today - I will hold my son in my arms, kiss his precious cheeks, watch him snuggle with his daddy, absorb his infectious little giggle, inhale his sweet baby-scent. It's blowing my mind - surreal in my mind, more real than anything I have previously felt in my tormented heart.
Our veil of torture has been lifted - finding us living a moment for which we have no elequoent description - just big, dumb grins.
We are overjoyed.
This joy has been only slightly tainted by our paranoid mistrust of this process and its key player - Ms. Judge. Inna told us on Monday that we needed to hold off booking our flight until Thursday - Sarah called today to let us know that our travel dates are confirmed and we can buy our tickets. Whew.
I want to note also that our joy has been tainted this week by our hurting hearts for P&B & B&K.
P&B did receive a court date - but, will not be traveling to see their boys until July. We are bummed that they have to ride this out longer and (selfishly) we're bummed that we won't be finishing this shared process together. Please keep them in your prayers.
B&K are still waiting for their court and travel dates as document requests for their kiddos continue to be processed. B&K have been waiting A VERY VERY VERY LONG TIME for this and (selfishly) we are bummed that we won't get to meet up with them in person this month. Please keep them in your prayers as well - specifically that their joy-filled news is quickly forthcoming. They need relief from their agonizing wait.
Basement update - still drying out. We are hopeful that it will be reassembled enough to throw all of our goods back down there before the big reunion in the Indy airport. I can't imagine a toddler providing a ton of fun in the chaos that is our house right now. We shall see!
Tonight I will sleep well - for the first time since Monday. I am bone tired.
Joy. Gratitude. Happiness. Relief.
This feels better than I could have possibly imagined.
cm
Monday, June 9, 2008
Bringing Nicholas Home
It's happening.
We're brininging Nicholas home!
We got our court date. Our very own court date!
It's tentative, of course - but, our joy, hope and excitement are definite!
It's really happening for us.
Soon...
Leave Indy 6/17
Arrive Ekat 6/18
SEE NICHOLAS!! 6/19, 6/20
Sightsee / Shop 6/21, 6/22
SEE NICHOLAS!! 6/23, 6/24
Court 6/25
Head home 6/26 or 6/27
Mom and I will head back two weeks later to bring him home. He'll be home mid-July.
We get to see him again on his 18 month birthday - 10 days from now - 8 months from the day we boarded the plane to meet him.
Serendipity.
I am so happy. I can't believe this is actually happening.
Thank you, God.
cm
Movement in Ekat
The very first 2008 court date in the entire region of Ekaterinburg was awarded to a waiting family today!
YEA, M&G! CONGRATULATIONS!
This family traveled ~5 weeks before us and will be in court on Friday 6/20 (with the male judge). They were told that they can expect to be home with their little man ~7/9. Please keep M&G in your prayers as they prepare to travel and transition.
Finally. This is something to celebrate for sure. 2008 has not seen a single Ekat court date. Movement is good.
Meanwhile (back at the batcave), we have had zero news for over a week. That's been hard on us. Inna is supposed to call later today with an update. We'll let you know.
Oh, and the batcave basement continues to dry out. Lots to do. Thanks for your nice e-mails and support.
cm
Grandparenting & adoption seminar notes
Hi All - here are the notes from the grandparenting seminar we attended a couple of weeks ago.
Enjoy!
cm
GRANDPARENTING AND ADOPTION:
Our belief system is a guiding force in how we conduct our lives. A belief system provides a core set of values on which we can classify our thoughts about a certain subject. It defines how we process and store information as it comes in through our conscious minds regarding that certain subject.
- What are your extended family personal beliefs about adoption?
- From where did they form those beliefs and what was their influence?
- How can they re-frame their beliefs to incorporate positive integration of your adopted child into the family?
Extended family concerns:
- Sudden change in the family dynamic that they don’t have control over
- May worry that the adoptive family will be hurt during the adoption process
- Concerns with the ‘unknowns’ of adoption
- Worried that they will be able to love and accept a child that is not born into the family ‘clan’
- Concerned with the potential of special needs and how they will be able to support the family
Acknowledge your tribal instincts:
- Acknowledge and accept the realities of adoption – respecting the difference can be affirming to a child who was adopted
- One of your grandchild’s most important identity questions will be ‘Who are my people?’
o A family created through adoption is formed by roles and real relationships…a birth family is defined by biology and history
o Recognize that we ALL are a product of our genetic make-up and the experience of our ancestors
Preparing the extended family:
- Be honest about plans, motivations and expectations
o Letter, blog, DVD announcement - Use appropriate adoption language
- Explain reasons, adoption alternatives and domestic -v-international adoption
- Include extended family when possible in preparation and planning
o The more involved they are in the adoption process, the more your child will feel like an integral part of the family - Encourage extended family to read books and magazines (Adoptive Families) about adoption, to learn about their grandchild’s birth country
- Grandparents can put together a personal lifebook for their grandchild (pictures of grandparents, house, car, pets, etc.)
Welcoming:
- Grandparents can create a welcome book to share with their grandchild (‘This is what our house look s like! We’re so excited to have you come for a visit.’ ‘This is our dog, Tess!’, ‘Here is a picture of Nana’s sewing machine – Nana will enjoy making special things for you.’, ‘Here is Papa’s car! Papa will take you for rides when you come for a visit!’ Etc…)
- Homecoming – talk with extended family about needs and boundaries upon arrival home
Preparing the Grandparents: - “Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.” Alex Haley
- Grandparents need to recognize and respect the primary relationship that the grandchild needs to develop with her/his parents.
- This foundational relationship is crucial to their social and emotional development
- Supporting their children (the parents whom are adopting) through this connecting phase can allow them to be involved while nurturing the family
- The tendency to want to come in and ‘take-over’ the care of the baby or child is strong. In a typical biological relationship, this may be welcome…in an adoptive situation, it can be damaging.
- Grandparents can nurture the new family with meals, love, running errands, housework, etc, so that they may learn to nurture their new child.
o Encourage grandparents to learn about their grandchild’s culture and history
o Integrate special cultural holidays into your family
o If you are adopting an older child learn basic language and teach to grandparents
o Encourage grandparents to fix meals that are from your child’s culture. - With the potential loss of the dream of parenting a biological or ‘non-special needs’ child, your parents may too be losing the dream of what being a grandparent means in parenting the imagined ideal grandchild.
- They may have to adjust to what it means to grandparent a child who struggles and accept the parental restrictions that could be enforced and how they will interact with that child.
- Grandparent losses & challenges:
o Genetic connection with grandchild
o Experiencing the grandchild’s birth
o Ability to nurture grandchild in earliest days/months of life
o Senses of privacy and control
o Stretching personal belief system and comfort level
The importance of the intergenerational relationship:
- Grandparents provide the gift of caring, experience, heritage, knowledge, self-worth, change, memories and gifts of love and acceptance
- Research evidence indicates that caring adults make a difference in the way children view themselves and their own abilities
The best gifts from grandparents:
- Self-worth
- Significance
- Example
- Caring
- Growing old with grace
- Knowledge
- Handling change
- Heritage
- Hope
- Memories
- Love and acceptance
Honor your grandchild's culture and race:
- Learn about the child’s culture and racial history
- Integrate special holidays / traditions into family celebrations
- Learn basic language to communicate with child upon arrival home
- Fix culturally traditional foods / meals
- Keep children’s books around the house communicating your interest in and acceptance of the child’s birth culture and/or the child’s racial identity
Seven Core Issues in Adoption:
- Loss (acknowledge it and let the child voice it to you)
- Rejection (related to abandonment; help the child name their feelings)
- Guilt & Shame (a by-product of rejection)
- Grief (child WILL grieve the loss of ‘what he’s always known’)
- Mastery / Control (take control away from child & put it on the parents; PI children have to learn what parents are)
- Identity (lifebook=past, tribe=present, life narrative=future)
- Intimacy (grief, shame & loss force children to steer away from intimacy – be patient, this is a frightening experience to learn)
Disciplining the PI child:
- State the expectation
- Stop the behavior
- Correct without shame
- Attune with the child (reconnect – communicate love and acceptance of child even when behavior is not acceptable)
SLOW DOWN GRANDPARENTS!
If the adopting family is lucky, the parents and extended family will be nearly as eager to greet and embrace the new family member as what they are! The grandparents will have anticipated this new child’s arrival and shared in the excitement of the process alongside the adoptive parents. They will have shared ‘the wait’, rejoiced in the ‘referral’ and possibly even joined in ‘the travel’ to meet their new grandchild.
For children that have had a break in the attachment continuum and who have lost a connection or multiple connections to a trusted caregiver, there will be a period of adjustment for them. They need time and having their needs met consistently by their primary caregivers, the parents, to establish trust and attachment to them. It is crucial for them to development that trust with their parents first before they can move on to adjusting to and trusting other people in their lives. As a longing grandparent it may be difficult to let go of that entitlement initially. Realize that the relationship your child has with the parents is tenuous at best in the beginning and the child has been traumatized by all of the changes in their world. Although it may seem counter-intuitive and very difficult to do, direct the care giving back to the parents, initially. If the child cries or seems distressed it is in a grandparent’s nature to want to console and comfort that child. If the child is newly home, it is important for the child to understand that parents are the ‘safe base’ and they are to go to them for consoling or nurturing. If you direct that back to the parents it will help your new grandchild to learn to trust their parents quicker and will provide for a healthier growth and independence later on, which in turn means a better relationship with you down the road!
It can e difficult for grandparents to understand as they too have waited a long time to cuddle and hold this child. With learning what you can about attachment, realizing that parenting a child from adoption can be different than parenting a child born to a family, and accepting that it is in the child’s best interest to have their needs put first, understanding and empathy can be achieved. If you look at het long-term projection of how the child will integrate into the family…the future is very bright with your grandchild! Allow that initial time and it will pay-off in the long term. Before you know it, your grandchildren will be running to you with open arms, and begging to spend the night!
WHY CAN'T GRANDPARENTS PICK UP THE BABY? (Macrae & Gribble)
Newly adopted children often arrive into their families stressed by the transition and confused as to what family is and what’s special about parents. It’s a two-sided adjustment – parents also need time to learn about their new child/ren. It is important to have courage and knowledge in telling people in your circle of friends and family what will be best for your child. Here are some tried and tested bonding tips:
- New experiences are hard to cope with during stressful times so minimize the stimulation your child receives in the early days post-placement. Save the welcome party for later!
- Control the contact your new child has with other until your child understands that family is special; this is especially important if your child is actively seeking to engage other as opposed to you. In the early months, even Grandma and Grandpa will have to wait to cuddle!
- If you will use caregivers other than yourself from early on, bring them into your bonding circle, but try to ensure that the caregivers defer to you on how to feed the child, how much excitement you think is appropriate, etc.
- Keep your child in close proximity to you – carry them if you can. Slings are useful even for older toddlers and pre-schoolers. Your child will begin to recognize your special feel and smell!
- Do not ignore your child’s cries to avoid ‘spoiling’ them or to teach them ‘to go to sleep’; this will be detrimental to their developing trust with you.
- Arrange for physical closeness so that you are within arm’s reach and line of sight of your child at night.
- Avoid hard baby carriers, baby seats, high chairs and strollers which put distance between you and your child. Slings and front-facing strollers allow eye-contact.
- Provide the experience of nurture through food via bottle feeding / feeding games. Hold your child on your lap at mealtimes.
- Provide lots of touch and skin-to-skin contact via massage, swimming together or co-bathing.
- Be persistent but not invasive when nurturing your child. Your child may take some months or more to become comfortable with your care giving. Becoming familiar rather than strange takes time, but the bond forged will last a lifetime.
Some families use visual aids to help their children understand the ‘circle of love’. Draw your child at the heart of concentric circles with those on the outside furthest from your close family relationships, where kisses and cuddles are permitted. Create your own version of this! Display it on the fridge – and life it for real. Show it to doubting friends and family. They – like your child – will get it.
CREATIVE GRANDPARENTING:
- Volunteer in the community with your child I a service project
- Have a bedtime journal for your grandchild with a story or allow them to write you a story
- Meet them for lunch at school one day
- Take your grandchild’s favorite shirt, blanket or toy and make a wall hanging, quilt or pillow out of it…present it to your grandchild on a special day…like her/his adoption day.
- Write a surprise note on the child’s diaper to the parents! (Hey! Don’t I look cute in my new outfit?!)
- Cut a grass maze in the backyard and sit back while your grandchildren run around it.
- Have a family video night once in awhile and show old home movies – pop popcorn or order pizza.
- Create a family ‘guest book’ and every time someone comes to visit have them sign in and write something about their visit
- Buy a zoo pass or children’s museum pass and take your grandkids often
- On a cold winter day, build a blanket and pillow fort in the living room. Have a picnic!
- Take your grandkids to the beach and have them dig for ‘jewels’ in the sand.
RECOMMENDED READING FOR GRANDPARENTS:
- Just grandparents – When a child is born, so are grandparents (Bonnie Kuchler)
- When the dream is shattered – Coping with childbearing difficulties (Judith Murray)
- Supporting an adoption (Pat Holmes)
- Adoption is a family affair (Patricia Irwin Johnson)
- Adoption parenting – Creating a toolbox, Building connections (Jean Macleod)
- The essential grandparent – A guide to making a difference (Lillian Carson)
- Grandparenting with love and logic (Jim Fay)
- Grandparents are special (Lucy Mead)
- Grandfather counts (Andrea Cheng)
- Grandparenting – A beginners handbook (Eleanor Berman)
- The don’t sweat guide for grandparents (Richard Carlson)
- Congratulations! You’re going to be a grandmother (Lanie Cater)
- The magic of Grandparenting (Chamaine Ciardi)
- Grandfather’s handbook (John Dunzer)
- The grandmother principles (Suzette Elgin)
- 101 ways to spoil your grandchild (Vicki Lansky)
- Totally cool Grandparenting (Leslie Linsely)
- 501 practical ways to love your grandkids and their parents (Roger Sonnenberg)
- Grandparenthood (Dr. Ruth Westheimer & Dr. Steven Kaplan)
- The Nana and the Papas: A Boomers guide to grandparenting (Kathryn & Allen Zullo)
GRANDPARENTING INTERNET RESOURCES (the last 4 are adoption specific):
http://www.grandkidsandme.org/
http://uwex.edu/ces/flp/grandparent/
http://www.grandparenting.org/
http://www.pacer.org/parent/grand.htm
http://www.aarp.org/families/grandparents/
http://www.comeunity.com/adoption/adopt/grandmothers.html
http://ohioline.osu.edu/ss-fact/0156.html
http://adoption.about.com/od/parenting/a/waystograndpar.htm
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articlePrintFriendly.php?aid=919
Increasing Awareness of Your Adoption Beliefs…
- Adoption has always meant to me...
- When I think of adoption, I have the following thoughts…
- When I think of the grandchild whom my child will adopt I…
- The thing that bothers me the most about adoption is…
- What will I enjoy most about my grandchild is…
- What scares me the most about this process is…
- When I think of my grandchild’s birth parents, I…
- When I think of the path that led my children to adoption, I…
- When I think of talking to my grandchild about their birth mother it makes me feel…
- The biggest change this grandchild will make in our lives is…
- Mothers are…
- Fathers are…
- Adoption agencies are…
- Social workers are…
- Having a grandchild is like…
- The most significant way this grandchild will affect my relationships with others is…
- My greatest fear about my grandchild is…
- When I think about the adoption process I feel…
- I believe that when I first see a photo of my grandchild I will…
- Thinking about the possibility of my grandchild having issues that I am not expecting makes me feel...
- The thought of my grandchild being terrified and crying when they first see me makes me feel…
- When I first thought about my child adopting, I…
- Imaginings the first moment I hold my grandchild, I…
Guided discussion for Grandparents waiting for grandchild’s adoption:
- List 10 WISHES – Ideal grandchild
- List 10 EXPECTATIONS – of grandchild
- List 10 POSSIBLE REALITIES – of grandchild
Knowing of God's love -v- Knowing God's love
It’s not up to me. It never has been. It’s not now. And, it never will be.
It’s one thing to know this reality. It’s another thing entirely to experience it so painfully - for so long - in so many mind-numbing ways.
I won’t deny my Type A control tendencies. They clearly exist. Nor will I deny how remarkably unhelpful these tendencies have been along the difficult course to creating our family (okay, okay, along the course of my whole darn life).
Reality is – while suffering truly feels all about me; none of it is about me at all. It’s God’s plan. Not mine. And, it is remarkable how many times in my life I have found myself on the requirement end of bending my will for his – receiving his love through others – releasing my need to question – all in effort to access the promised peace.
Christ himself clearly suffered. And, in his humanity, he expressed moments of terrible agony concerning the path laid out for him by his father. Here’s what blows my mind – he walked through it all – knowing the plan – predicting the outcome – just for me.
It is comforting to know that my suffering brings me closer to the experience of our Lord. But, the reality is – as I walk through suffering here on earth – I don’t know the plan – I can’t predict the outcome – and, it’s still just for me – for the opportunity to take my deluded self out of the planning phase and to plunge my feeble self firmly into the living of God’s plan.
At work – I remind people regularly that conflict in our relationships is an opportunity for intimacy through the trust-building inherent in resolution. The same is true regarding suffering in our relationship with the Lord. I am not skilled at seeking and experiencing this intimacy. But, I really want to be more open to his plan for me – open to the intimacy and trust-building inherent in running to the Lord in the midst of terrible suffering. I don’t just want to know of his love. I want to know his love.
This plan. My plan. Matt’s plan. Nicholas’ plan. Our plan. It was designed specifically for us. Thank God for that. And, thank God for gently, lovingly placing each one of you here along this long and arduous road.
cm
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Flood Restoration
Help has arrived! The big red hose was sucking water our of our very soaked carpet.
Drying out the basement
A mega-dryer and our exhausted sump pump
The dry stuff in the playroom
The dry-ing stuff in the garage (and Max's curious little head!)
PRSD (post-rain stress disorder)
There's rain on the radar this week. Yikes.
Cleaning out the flooded mess of one's basement doesn't top our list of 'things to do on Saturday'. But, we drove around our neighborhood this morning and it looks like a war zone. Looks like our neighbors directly behind the lake from us were wiped out. Their entire house is spread out along their sloshly yard - restoration worked all night - and, water is still spewing out of their basement window. Bless their hearts.
Things could have been much worse for us.
The back up pump loaned to us yesterday is still pumping water non-stop. the water level has gone down significantly, but our carpet and pad are completely saturated and will need to be replaced. We're also fairly sure our baseboards will rot. Hopefully we can get someone out here to start restoration very soon - they are all swamped, of course (pun intended entirely). All of our dry things are in the playroom and the wet stuff is in the garage drying out. We really did salvage a lot of stuff. I'm pleased with that!
I met 2 Ekat moms for dinner on Friday (Yes, waiting Ekat families, there are such things as post-adoption Ekat parents! Yea!) and was discussing some of the less fortunate drama we have run into during our wait for Nicholas. I said to them, "When it rains, it pours I guess."
Oh, the irony is really getting tedious.
cm
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Spoke too soon
Yep - she flooded. Unfun, indeed.
We can't get in or out of our neighborhood. Our county is in a state of emergency.
A plumber friend (angel) drove a back up pump to the entrance of our neighborhood so Matt and I could wade down the street and carry it home. It's pumping as I type.
Looks like we'll be getting a new basement.
Sigh.
Are you all noticing an eerie pattern of trials plaguing our lives? Sad truth is that we don't even post half of them here...
cm
We haven't flooded...yet
As it stands - we have this much room (from the water line to the white grate covering our basement window) before our basement floods (~8-10 feet). Good times. One of our neighbors already has 4 inches of water covering their basement.
When it rains - it pours.
cm
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
We could use your prayers.
Heavy hearted.
cm
Sunday, June 1, 2008
June
Hope is such an illusive experience. I hope we get to see Nicholas in June. We have made some interesting connections to this hope over time...just watch the fantasy morph into reality before your eyes!
Matt's great-aunt told us when we visited CA in February that she felt we would reunite with Nicholas in June (I was not pleased with this feeling in February...now I'm desperately hoping her feeling was correct!).
Inna has never given us an expectation date / month (in fact, she's all but begged me to let them go everytime I've communicated one of my 'deadlines' to her) - but, she's been saying since early May that she believes we will travel again in June.
The journal I write to Nicholas everyday (yes, I'm still writing) only has 26 pages left - I will run out of journal on June 28th (I already have my mom journal and I'm looking forward to starting that one the day we walk out of orphanage #8 with Nicholas...though I have no expectations that I will keep this up daily!).
I'll be 34 y/o on June 29th and this entire year I've been thinking it would be cool to become a mother-in-the flesh during my 33rd year (some of you will catch the signifcance of being 33 years old).
When we received word of the delay in December '07, I told myself (and I believe I even wrote here) that I would go see him in June if we did not have travel dates before then - 8 months was all I could process; I would see him in June - with or without a court date.
Many things are / have been pointing to June.
What do you think? June?
cm
24 hour date
We had a great weekend - it's been quite a while since the gestalt of a weekend has been great!
We bought a 'Wine & Dine' package combining a night at the Indy Hampton and dinner at Ruth's Chris. Then we filled in the itinerary with other fun-to-us downtown Indy activities.
Saturday:
9a breakfast at Cafe Patachou
*Matt's first indulgence - very tasty!
10a Indiana State Museum & canal walk
11a ISM IMAX - Hurricane on the Bayou
*This was a fascinating movie about the impact of environmental alterations on the devastating effects of Hurricane Katrina - worth a see for you Indy locals.
12-2p tour Museum
*We'd been to the ISM before, but only for special exhibits. It was fun to walk the Indiana history exhibits and learn more about our lovely state.
2p check into Hampton Inn
*Very nice, cozy room.
3-5p shop downtown
*We bought an angel at Krieg Brothers for a special garden we are creating at home.
5:30p dinner at Ruth's Chris
*Sad to say we've never been there before - very nice! They brought us chocolate covered strawberries and champagne to celebrate our adoption!
7p Movie at Circle Center
*We saw Sex in the City! During some of our more difficult days of infertility, we distracted ourselves with the antics of these 4 wily ladies (on DVD b/c we don't have HBO!). The movie was true to form and offered some closure that the series did not. SPOILER ALERT: the infertile who adopted from China got pregnant! Shocker!
9:30p drinks at the Claddagh Irish pup
*It is quite possible we were the oldest people walking around Meridian street on Saturday night! I do not miss my early-mid 20s! And, a little fashion tip for anyone who cares - it appears that short-shorts are in fashion this year! Yikes!
Sunday:
9a breakfast at the Hampton
*We were both a little morose that our weekend was coming to a close! But, it is nice to have only a 15 minute drive home after a 'getaway' weekend!
There you have it - and, now we're home - feeling refreshed and reconnected.
It was a really good, adoption-stress-free 24 hours.
Inna is out of town this week. And, we have been told that our final leg of paperwork requirements is taking longer than originally anticipated. It is very unlikely that we will get travel dates this week - somehow, that knowledge takes the pressure off and makes the wait more tolerable.
No expectations this week.
I'll post our Grandparent & Adoption seminar notes soon!
cm
