Another

We're here, at the tail end of May and

another second...
another minute...
another hour...
another day...
another week...
another month...
another year has passed in our wait for parenthood.

Heavy hearted.
Missing my son.
Grieving the others.

Matt and I have a 24-hour date this weekend.

Good to have plans.

cm

Dear Diary...

My mom found my childhood diary and gave it to me last night. She originally gave me this little diary in 1981 on my 7th birthday and the most recent entry was logged in 1996!

My first entry was on June 29th, 1981:

"Dear Diary, Today is my birthday I am so excited I get to have to girl's over to spend the night"

There are sporadic entries spanning the next few years and on January 2nd, 1983 I wrote:

"Dear Diary, today my mom and I had a buty contest for us. mom put makeupon my face and I one. She even admitted it. today has been a very fun day. My mom and I are best pal's."

I really got a kick out of my entries on February 15th & 16th, 1985:

"Dear diary, We had to go to school today. Boo Hiss Boo Hiss We usually don't get homework on fridays, but today we did. Boo Hiss Well, tonight I going to baby sit it will be wonder full I'll get 75c an hour I hope there gone for ever. He He"

The next day I wrote:

"Dear diary, Last night was terrible Bryan wanted to go to bed but I didn't want him to because I was scared to be up all alone. I got 3 dollars for babysitting Bryan. That was the first and last time I'm ever going to babysit again. I think I deserve more than 3 dollars." (Bryan is my 1.5 year younger brother!)

On February 18th, 1985 I briefly noted:

"Dear Diary, I just found out I was getting something to push my jaw back. Nothig else is very special."

And, apparently I got that 'something' before September 23rd, 1985:

"Dear Diary, I haven't written in a while but my family has had a lot of problems. I got a head gear, (and I hate it) my brother Andy got in a motorcycle accident and his friend was in it and he broke his leg. I wish I hadn't written any of this, it stinks and, -and, -and goodbye."

My last youngster entry appeared on January 4th, 1987 - at the ripe old age of 12:

"Dear Diary, Today was our first day back to school. I got a letter from Kathy Webster Today. It made me want to go back and see them." (friend from elementary school - we were living in a new town when I was in Jr. High)

Apparently, on August 20th, 1992 I re-read my diary and wrote:

"I just finished reading throught this wonderful diary about the big days in my childhood. In case I ever pick this up again and read it - I just turned 18 years old, Graduated high school this year, I'm going to Indiana Univ in 3 days & I can't believe I'm actually going! To tell ya the truth, it's 1:16am & I think I probably won't sleep for 3 days."

The final entry appeared over 4 years later on November 27th, 1996 when I added:

"Well, I did pick this up again & so much has changed since 1992. I really didn't sleep those three days & I didn't sleep good for about 3 years. But things are good now & I wouldn't go back & change a day. It's impressive that I've made it this far. The rest will be easy!"

I have to admit - this little diary hit multiple emotional chords today. It has left me feeling nostalgic for simpler times and raw with memories of rougher ones.

I was a funny, bored kid apparently and I'm afraid I may have been hokt on foniks! I was also a little jarred to re-learn that I got a C+ in reading when I was in third grade. Reading!? And, it's good to know that an 8-year-old can grow into an almost-34-year-old who is still best pals with her mom.

I was terrified in August of 1992, but I only alluded to that and it took me a long time to 'learn the language' of emotion and un-mute my distressed self. And, I feel very grateful that at 22 years old I believed that that the rest would be easy. Every 22-year-old should be so blessed to view their future through a hopeful lens.

I was wrong, of course, about the rest being easy. But, I know for a fact that I don't want any re-dos. I am where I am and while a nostalgic jaunt down memory lane through the annals of my Dear Diary is intriguing indeed; I much prefer to look forward.

I'll update it again in 2008.

Not tonight though.

I'll wait until I can tell myself I'm a mother.

cm

How does it feel?

grievous
agonizing
terrifying
anxiety provoking
depressing
disconnecting
exhausiting
enraging
mind numbing
confusing
empty
paralyzing
lonely
vulnerable
despairing
disillusioning
embarassing
disgusting
infuriating
annoying
insulting
irritating
indignifying
suspicious
alarming
worrisome
restless
threatening
warying
tormenting
anguished
dismaying
skeptical
concerning
absorbing
isolating
devastating
challenging
insecure
disatisfying
unacceptable
terrible
discouraging
unimaginable

powerless and hopeless - always powerless ...sometimes hopeless.

Miraculously, though - it feels grace-filled. God has accessed me in my brokenness. Grace is amazing - and it's real.

The occassional ray of hope is the intermittent positive regard that allows me to emotionally navigate the slippery slope between this horrifying reality and that pending one. While I believe my pending images are firmly re-rooted in fantasy at this point, I also believe my pending images. Does this blow your mind the way it blows mine? How intricate and vulnerable yet resilient and cunning the human psyche is in the midst of, well, devastation.

I must get psychobabbly for a moment (and, yes, I did start the psychbabble in that previous paragraph). There is a perpetual interlock between one's thoughts, feelings and behaviors - most predictably in that order. When I get down (which is regularly), I feel myself battle the predictable places my mind can take me in the midst of true powerlessness (and, no, we are not always powerless). I can get ugly in fantasy and reality or I can get appealing in fantasy and reality.

In this waiting circumstance, I have only one reasonable, primary option - to wait. I can only find my power in the way in which I choose to wait. Thus, my secondary options emerge in abundance (ugly fantasty, ugly reality, appealing fantasy, appealing reality) - and, I have tried most of them on for size over the course of our elephant & a half gestation period...for better and worse.

The internal dialogue is power - and grace - and, it's so simple it's fascinating...

So, I might tell myself (UF) - This is going to be a terrible week. We won't get what we want and come Friday I will be devastated - again. One of these days, I will hear the 'bad news' that will break the camel's back and cause me to lose my ability to function.

And, I'd ask myself - When do I get to lose my mind? (As if losing my mind is a luxury that I have been disallowed.)

Or, I could tell myself (AF) - Everything will be better when we get him home. It will be instantaneously healing to become a family forever and just move on with our lives.

And, I would ask myself - Why should I even worry about any of this? Parenting comes naturally to me, so why not just let things play out the way they are meant to?

I could tell myself (UR) - Each passing day predicts more attachment difficulty. That scares me and breaks my heart for Nicholas. This is so unnecessary.

And, ask myself - How can I best prepare for his homecoming? What might he need from me if he's struggling and what resources are available to facilitate meeting those needs? What will Matt and I need?

I could also tell myself (AR) - We will get back there to see him soon (soon is clearly relative at this point). It will be amazing to lay eyes on him again and hold is sweet face to mine.

And, then ask myself - What will it feel like to walk off that plane and become a family in the Indianapolis airport? Will I be bowled over watching my husband reunite with my son right there in front of our family and friends?

It's predictable, isn't it?

And, can you see the intricacies in which fantasy and reality clash? That pending reality / fantasy is what I believe; it's what I hold onto in the midst of this reality - lacking fantasy entirely.

---------

So, how does it feel to leave my child in Siberia for ~8+ months?

Unbelievable - literally - and, surreal.

But, it's not surreal. It's an ugly reality based in appealing fantasy based in appealing reality based in ugly fantasy...and, darn it, I believe!

cm

Eating emotion

In certain circumstances, it's just not appropriate to cry. And, sometimes it's really not ideal - like on a date with one's husband.

Matt and I 'date' really well (read: really similarly). And, when I know we're scheduled, I anticipate it with excitement. I love that I love to spend time with him - and that the feeling is mutual.

So many things though are tainted by 'the wait' and its extentions. So many anticipated events have come and gone (or will come and go) - in Nicholas' absence.

By this time next year...
Before insert movie title is released...
Before cousin Louie turns 1 y/o...
Before the next American Idol is crowned...
Before Race for the Cure...
Before Nana and Papa's birthdays...
Before his two baby cousins are born...
Before the next Star dances to victory...
Before KF's annual reunion...
Before Mother's day...
Before Abby's first communion...
Before the KFF's 1st annual Walk for Kids...
Before the Morgan family vacation...
Before the church directory pictures are scheduled...
Before Father's day...
Before his Mama's 34th birthday...
Before the 4th of July...

...Nicholas will surely be home.

But, he isn't. And, he won't be. And it's breaking our hearts - second by agnoizing second.

Matt has been reminding me about the pending May '08 Indiana Jones release for months. I have smugly retorted that he'll have to wait until it comes out on video because we won't be leaving Nicholas with a sitter for a while. (Big smile about the immediate clash between my new-mama-responsibility and my inner-wifely-control-freak! Loving her already!)

And, I could cry - with every passing childless milestone.

But, sometimes it's just not appropriate or ideal. So, I choke it back - and walk into the theater, hand in hand with the love of my life, wondering 'why' and 'when', swallowing my grief through the choke hold painfully gripping my throat, waiting for the beginning to ignite the glorious end.

Sigh.

Long weekends = short weeks = less time to acquire good news.

cm

7 months

I never would have guessed that we'd still be waiting 7 months later.

I guess I'm grateful for that.

If we had known, we never would have gone and we would have missed out on this indescribable love for our child.

I don't like long weekends.

Up until tonight I was carrying a lot of hope that we would get our date before the end of this month. That tanked when I realized the end of this month is one week from now.

I can't imagine that's going to happen at this point. Olga has no news about whether or not social services has acquired the necessary signatures from his parents.

But, then again, I never imagined I'd still be 'here' 7 months later.

Some of you will remember this day 7 months ago - I was so overwhelmed - more emotions than I knew how to process. I must confess, while this past 7 months has afforded us an opportunity to prepare (theoretically, academically, practically) for our upcoming parenting roles, I fear that I have entirely re-attached to the fantasy and I anticipate that overwhelm will again hit like a ton of bricks when we reunite with him.

I am amazed at how frightening the anticipation of emotion can feel.

Hope is leaving me torn in little pieces.

cm

Some attachment myths & FAQs...

More attachment information - it's another lengthy one! I compiled these 'myths' and 'FAQs' from various articles on this website which does have loads of helpful information.

More to come...we are attending a 'Grandparents and Adoption' seminar next week with Nicholas's local gp's. I know you're sitting on the edge of your seats for my info-geek posts! (Actually, Mimi & Grandpa Morgan, Carla with a 'C' aka Cade's Grammy and Babushka Betty - I bet you all are actually sitting on the edge of your seats for the grandparent post!)

By the way - we have every intention of both hunkering down when we get home with Nicholas and enforcing the 6-week no-holding rule discussed below. The more we learn - the more important these suggestions feel.

Note:
adoptive family stories are italicized
OR=adopted from an orphanage
FC=adopted from a foster care setting

And, please notice how young most of these kiddos were at the time of their adoptions - Nicholas is more than 3x most of their ages!

Happy attachment myths and FAQs reading...I'm going to turn you into info-geeks yet.

cm

Myth: Infants, especially those adopted out of foster care, do not have attachment problems.

Every adopted child, regardless of the age at adoption, has suffered trauma: that of being separated from the birth mother. Many times, that single trauma is enough to produce attachment problems. Attachment therapists treat children whose adoptive parents were present at the birth.

FAQ: When newborns are placed with a foster family at birth, how can they miss their birth mother?

A baby's first attachment is to the biological mother. Research indicates that attachment develops throughout pregnancy. At birth, the child knows his mother's voice and her smell. His emotions, heartbeat, and respiration are regulated by hers. He believes that he and his mother are one. If this attachment or bond is broken, trust becomes an issue and the child may have difficulty forming a secure and healthy attachment to the foster/adoptive mother.

Myth: Babies don't remember.

Early memories are remembered by the body. Although a child may not consciously remember early trauma (including separation from the birth mother), the experience is difficult to erase because it is stored as a nonverbal/emotional memory in the body. Neurons in the heart, stomach, and other parts of the body can fire messages, effectively hijacking the thinking parts of the brain…especially if these memories took place before the child developed cognition skills. We have also experienced many moments that indicate that our children remember more than we give them credit for:

At the age of 13 months, my son was miserable and had been for several days. Then we looked at pictures of his foster family. The whining stopped. And he just looked intently through the album. He'd turn the pages quickly when there weren't photos of his foster family or of us, his adoptive parents. He'd carefully study photos with any of his parents. He looked studious, and sentimental, but not heartbroken. Then, on one page, he leaned in and kissed his foster mom's photo. After the pictures, he was sad and a bit whiney, but could be comforted by me easily. (a. 6mo, FC)

When my son was 17 months old, we started holding time. During the sessions, he would scream, "Eye, Eye!" No one was touching his eyes, neither was anything wrong with them. He had never said anything like it before, under any circumstances. But he was hospitalized for the first month of life with pink eye. (a. 5.5mo, FC)

About 4 months after she came home, I was holding her and she was fussing sort of half-heartedly with her eyes closed. She did not like me to hold her in the cradle position, but I was gently insisting. After a while, I whispered to her, "Do you miss your omma?" She stopped fussing immediately. Her eyes snapped open. She looked at me for 2 or 3 seconds. I said it again. "Do you miss your omma?" She leaned her head back, opened her mouth and wailed. She screamed a bloodcurdling, heart-wrenching scream. She went on to weep for quite some time. It sent chills down my spine. I realized at that moment that babies DO remember. (a. 7 mo, FC)

My son, age 21 months, was having a pretty normal day and then suddenly became disobedient and challenging so I sent him to his thinking spot...that didn't go well. Once again, he wouldn't sit so I figured holding him was the way to go. He still doesn't talk much. I mean, he says lots of words, but certainly doesn't carry on a conversation. I was talking to him and trying to figure out what changed in his day -- then it hit me!
I asked, "Did you get scared when Daddy mentioned taking away your bed?""Yeah." "What do you think would happen if we took down your crib?" "I go bye-bye." "Do you think that if your old bed goes away that you have to go too?" "Yeah."
He'd overheard my husband suggesting that we take down his crib. He hasn't slept there for about six weeks. I'm glad we were able to talk it through, but it just makes my heart ache to know that's still his first thought--that he'll have to go. Poor kid. (a. 6 mo, FC)

Myth: All They Need is Love!

Although love is inarguably what attachment disordered children need, the challenge is getting them to accept 100% of their parents' love. They are like tiny banks, desperately in need of deposits, that have put up signs saying, "Closed for business." Adoptive parents with attachment impaired children find it helpful to consider where their children are in the attachment process by asking, "Is my child willing to accept ALL my love?" When the answer is no, the task then becomes figuring out how to get the love in when the child shows resistance.

Myth: Attachment issues are immediately evident.

Attachment issues are not always immediately evident. Many children have a "honeymoon period" in which they appear to be happy and adjusting well. This can last days, weeks, or even months.

For the first six months in our home, my son appeared to be easy going, content, and most of all, happy. After the first 10 days, sleep issues improved. He played with his siblings, preferred me to everyone else, and slept comfortably alone in his crib at nap and night. At the six-month post placement meeting with our social worker, I remember thinking what a waste of time it was to be filling out all the questions. He had bonded with me from day one. Nothing had changed. He laughed and giggled throughout all our placement meetings. Within weeks of this final postplacment visit, subtle changes began to occur. He abruptly refused to eat the cereal he'd been happily eating for months. He seemed melancholy. On his baby calendar I wrote, "No sickness or teeth symptoms, but not usual happy self." About this time, he learned that he could grind his teeth together. I worried about it, yet nothing deterred the behavior. But the most overwhelming symptom was the whining. It would commence first thing in the morning and continue throughout the day. About a month after his moodiness started, we welcomed visitors from across the country. A friend from college had brought her three girls to stay with us for several weeks. We celebrated his first birthday and open season on little girls began. If one of the girls tried to get too close--to pick him up or give him a hug--the little grinders came out and he would bite them. The biting became more and more frequent, especially whenever he was mad, which was becoming a regular occurrence. If he attempted to bite someone and missed, he would bite whatever was close: another person, a couch, a refrigerator handle, his own hand…anything! If biting didn't work, he would scream and try to scratch or claw the nearest person. We went to a Mexican restaurant and he leaned back against the waitress and sighed, snuggling into her. We'd never seen anything like it and were shocked when he did it over and over. Although he'd been using baby sign language for months, he suddenly refused to sign, preferring to whine, cry, and point to things. Yet, after weeks of whining, things would suddenly seem better. My happy boy would return. By this time, I figured that the moody periods must be teething or growing pains or any number of other toddler troubles. We were in a happy mode when we went for a well-baby check. I told the pediatrician, "I'm probably going to call you to complain about the whines. If I do, just tell me, 'This too shall pass.'" The doctor laughed and my son bounced happily around the room, thrilled to be able to perform for the doctor and nurse. Yet after nine months home, I was convinced that my son was the moodiest child I'd ever seen. Some days he smiled and giggled, loving everybody and everything. But more often than not, he was whiney, impatient, and would get mad or frustrated easily. He'd try to pick up four balls at once. When he couldn't hang onto all of them, he'd fall to the ground, screaming. If he got really mad, he'd look for someone to bite; if no one was close, he'd bite himself or pull his own hair. Throughout this time, I'd mention his behavior to friends who'd say, "He's just strong-willed," or "All kids bite. It's just a phase. He'll get over it." At Thanksgiving, I got a 24 hour bug. My husband did most of the childcare for a couple days. And the sleeping problems began. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, he would wake from nightmares with blood-curdling screams. Sometimes he cried out from the depths of his sleep, never waking, in the grips of a night terror. Yet he still had many happy days. I knew toddlers could bite, scream, and have tantrums. My own biological daughter had suffered through a period of night terrors. I knew that nightmares were just a routine part of any childhood. Everyone continued to reassure me that all his behaviors were absolutely normal for a toddler. And, who could blame them? In public, he was often charming. He turned to us for comfort. He showed an obvious preference for his parents. Or, at least one of his parents… During Christmas break, I had a second bout of 24 hour flu. My husband again did most of the childcare for a couple of days. When he returned to work in January, my son clung to Daddy's legs, screaming and crying. He refused to come to me…his mommy…the person who had cared for him 24/7 since he came home a year before…the person whom he showed obvious preference for at his 6-month post placement visit. What had gone wrong? (a.5.5mo, FC)

In a similar manner, PTSD issues may present themselves quite a while after the child arrives home. One adoptive mom reports that her daughter's issues did not begin to surface until she'd been home about 18 months. (a. 7mo, OR)

FAQ: What's "normal" adjustment/grieving vs. an attachment problem?

Many children go through an adjustment/grieving period soon after arriving home. Over time, these issues may increase or decrease in intensity. In addition, some issues may be replaced by other issues. Whatever the case, attachment parenting techniques can be beneficial for any child…and certainly won't hurt. Because professional attachment treatment is most effective when started early, we recommend that adoptive parents consult with an attachment professional, similar to the way children are brought to the doctor for a well-baby check. This is especially important if symptoms continue past the first couple of months or if new symptoms appear.

In our case, our son grieved a little bit but maybe he did more and we just didn't see it?? He seemed happy go lucky and was a good eater and sleeper. He cried the 2nd and 4th days home a little and we just held him through it. After that he seemed fine--smiled, laughed, etc… I wish we took more videotape of him to go back and see how he really was. We really didn't see anything alarming until around 10-11 months old (he had been home 5 months by then). I think the adjustment period went okay on the outside--he was flexible, slept through the night, took good naps, and was a good eater. Everyone said how quickly he adjusted to us! Then after 10 months old, the strange tantrums started, he whined all day, cried, slept on and off, naps were inconsistent, he became a picky eater, and had slow imitative speech. That is when my mommy alarms started going off. Personally, I would advise someone to start off with all of the attachment techniques. Why take a chance? The kids may seem adjusted but on the inside are still detached. I don't know if you can always see it in every kid up front. Some come off the plane detached and in full grieving mode. Others, like our son, are subtler at first. I am SURE he showed signs in the beginning, but they were so subtle that my mommy radar didn't pick it up--MOSTLY because I wasn't aware of what to look for! I was trained to look for weight gain, good poops and clean plates/empty bottles. NOT eye contact, snuggling, touch, etc. (a. 6mo, FC)

He seemed to "adjust" fine but it was all a HUGE act...as he continued to perform his happy boy act for us (honeymoon period) he clearly was not attaching and was pushing me further and further away...little by little… until we were in this ugly place that I swore we had no hope of getting out of. (a. 6mo, FC)

Our daughter definitely had 6 months of some intense grieving. After that we had a few weeks of "happy, normal," then the attachment symptoms began. I know she needed to work through her grief, but I still wish I'd known more about attachment and practiced active attachment parenting from day one. (a. 10.5mo, FC)

We saw few, if any, symptoms for the first 6 months. Although I could not have prevented an attachment problem, I could have done things from the beginning that would have made things easier in the long run. We began serious attachment parenting only after we began therapy around age 2. Co-sleeping, wearing the baby, etc… are all things we could have easily done earlier if we'd been educated about the importance. (a. 5.5mo, FC)

FAQ: Adjustment vs. Attachment - How do parents know whether they are seeing normal adjustment or attachment problems?

An adoptive mom shares her story.

Attachment always trumps adjustment. Indeed, our children have an adjustment period, and they need to grieve. But, if I'm only considering adjustment, I might "be there" for her, but not push things too hard; I might "respect her grief" and "give her space". This is what I did with child #1, and I'm now convinced (hindsight being 20/20) that it was the absolute wrong thing to do. So I did things very differently with child #2. She showed me every night of our first weeks together that I was most certainly NOT the right mommy. But, wrong mommy or right mommy, what she needed to learn most is that THIS mommy will never ever leave her. EVER! She moved away from me, I pursued. She batted my hand, I reached for her again. She pushed me, I moved closer. She raged, I held her tight. And, I think we're seeing some really positive results. We have a long, long, long way to go with our attachment, but I see things in child #2 after 2 months that I'm still not seeing in child #1 after 3 years. Child #2 is able to derive a sense of calm from my touch--my hand on her chest or head chases away a nightmare. Being held in my arms allows her to settle when she's in "frantic" mode. She can "draw calm" from me. Child #1 can't. (Child #1 a. 10.5mo, FC; Child #2 a. 22mo, OR)

Myth: Babies with attachment disorders look like they don't like their parents.
Although some children with attachment impairment show avoidant behavior, others do just the opposite. They may glue themselves to mom, never wanting to be without her. Some cry when mom leaves the room, or get up to chase after her. This anxiety may sound cute for a small child--hence the name, "Velcro Baby,"--but it quickly loses it's appeal as the child gets older and still feels the need to be next to mom, 24/7.

One family learned that their son had an attachment problem when he turned 7. Since the age of 2, they had worked weekly with doctors, occupational therapists and other professionals who had given them diagnoses including: ADD, OCD, SID, and motor and verbal dyspraxia. Even after all that, the parents knew that they still hadn't found the root cause of the behavior and that something more was wrong. No professional looked at the possibility of an attachment problem because he chose to be within 6" of his mom, all day, every day. Now, after only a few months of attachment therapy, he is able to begin normal, healthy separation and is improving in the other areas as well. His mom reports, "The light at the end of the tunnel is becoming visible! PRAISE THE LORD!!!" (a. 10 mo, OR)

FAQ: Family and Friends

Because of separation from birth mother and at least one foster mother, often the baby may be waiting for the next caregiver to come along. Once the baby has had time to adjust to all of the different changes and learn who Mom and Dad are, it is often helpful to not only use family members and friends to run errands, cook meals, help keep house, etc. but to help them to always redirect the baby back to Mommy and Daddy. This will help establish that these two people are the primary caregivers and the most important people in his life.

A few months after my son came home, it was clear that he was waiting for his next mommy to come and take him away. He even began to do a lot of "mommy shopping" and would make cute noises for other women and reach out to strange and random women no matter where we were. During playdates he made it his mission to sit in another mother's lap and not mine. To the rest of the world he looked very social, happy, and personable. Our friends and family were thrilled, each thinking they had a special relationship with our son, but little did they know he would have just as happily gone to a complete stranger. Allowing this behavior to continue was allowing my son to continue to avoid me, his forever mommy, reinforcing that mommies are replaceable. I needed to prove otherwise. Upon seeing an attachment therapist one of the first things we had to work on was his lack of stranger anxiety and his use of other women to avoid an attachment to me. We taught all of our friends and family members whom we saw often to redirect his attention back to me immediately. Instead of allowing him to reach for Grandma and focus on her, Grandma would instead say "Hello, Johnny. I am your grandma. Where is your mommy? There she is. Mommy takes care of Johnny." And she would physically turn him around to go back to me. Exchanges like this continued for a long time until he knew I was his mommy and I was the one who took care of him. This is something that can be done from day one to help the baby learn and accept who Mommy and Daddy are and that they are forever. The baby cannot have a true relationship with anyone else until he has a healthy attachment with his mother and then father first.

FAQ: Why can't other people hold my baby? So many people have waited for our child as long as we did. How can I hurt their feelings and not let them hold our baby?

While every child is different, here is our experience. Our son came off the plane happy, smiling, and laughing. He was a beautiful and happy sixth-month-old. We planned on not letting anyone hold the baby until we felt he adjusted. Well, he looked very well-adjusted from the get-go. Everything made him happy and he took to everything so easily. Carseat, stroller, crib, new bottles, new formula, sleeping through the night…everything was so easy to introduce to him. What a happy, easy baby! And boy did he love people! It even said so in his pre-flight report. He seemed so happy and so willing to go to his grandparents, aunts, and uncles...a lot of people were waiting anxiously for this baby along with us. He seemed to adjust so well that we threw away the no holding policy and let close family members hold him earlier than we expected. He was not passed around nor held for long periods of time, but he was very loving and seemingly unaffected by the exposure to multiple family members. As time went on our son distanced himself more and more from me, his mother, but still went happily to everyone else. I was his primary caretaker and doing a lot to promote bonding, but he avoided me more and more in ways that seemed innocent but didn't feel right to me. By the time he was home four months, he was not happy when I fed him, changed him, held him, gave him a bottle or anything that required me caring for him. By this time he completely ignored my existence and became a full-time mommy shopper. He learned lots of interesting tricks to get the attention of other women. This child would have willingly left with a complete stranger from the grocery store and never would have looked back. Meanwhile, everyone else continued to see a baby who was so easy and sweet and good and loving...I did not see that child because when it was just the two of us, he avoided me and pushed me away. It was very painful and I thought at first it had something to do with me not being a good mother...I know that is not the case now. We had our son evaluated by an attachment therapist at ten months old. We learned that he was sensitive to the attachment process. Basically, he had the opinion of been there, done that...mommies are not trustworthy, mommies leave, I will pick my own mommy...I am safe when I control who takes care of me. From that point on no one held our son until he was out of the avoidant stage. We trained family and friends how to redirect our son back to me so I was no longer the mean lady taking him away from the loves of his life....any other woman. It took about three months of no one holding him and everyone redirecting him to Mommy, including Daddy. This was very hard on some family members who did not understand, but who would blame them? After all, he always looked happy to them. They didn't see what went on when potential mommies were not around. Because my son was sensitive to the attachment process, allowing anyone, including the grandmothers who waited as anxiously as we did, to hold him for even a few minutes was confusing because he did not know or accept that I am his mommy and I am the one who will take care of him forever. It was a lot of hard work, really hard work that might not have been so hard had I stuck to the original plan. So even if they look happy and well-adjusted, try to remember, you are a stranger to this child. Not all children will react like my son, but since we don't know for sure--and remember it was a few months before our son began to push me away--I highly recommend that you put the baby's emotional health before the feelings of family members who do not live with you. (a. 6mo, FC)

Another mom shares her story:

I am hoping not to offend anyone -- just wanting to share our experiences with no holding. We have three children adopted from Korea. With our first two, we did very little reading about attachment and thought we would just love our children to pieces and all would be well. Our first two arrived at 4 1/2 months of age. My husband is from a large family; they love to pass the baby and believe the child should be content and snuggle with each one. This is what our two sons experienced soon after their arrival - - one struggled and cried and the other seemed indifferent. I felt sad and sick after each visit. With our third adoption, our daughter was 6 1/2 months at arrival. Before her arrival, we read about and researched attachment. I asked our social worker about no holding for six weeks. She said she had seen wonderful transitions with those who had done this. With the loss and uncertainty our children have experienced before coming to us, not allowing others to hold our child made sense. Before our daughter's arrival, we informed family and friends that we would be the only ones to hold our daughter for six weeks. Because we had allowed our first two to be held, we explained that our daughter was older and we felt we needed to do this to help with her adjustment and attachment. We knew some might not be accepting, yet it wasn't about what other people needed; this was what our child needed. Our daughter's adjustment has been remarkable in comparison to our sons'. We can't know if this was due to no holding initially, personality, or the other attachment methods we have implemented. Our daughter was never anxious and upset when others visited during those first weeks. Our sons were. My seventy-year-old father was so struck by the difference in adjustment with our third child, he remarked that maybe we shouldn't be so anxious to let others hold our daughter after six weeks! (a. 4.5mo, 4.5mo, 6.5mo, FC)

FAQ: Why should we pick our daughter up every time she cries? Won't this spoil her?

Until there is a more secure and healthy attachment, which takes many months and in some children even longer, it is important to meet needs quickly and consistently until the baby learns that you are the one who takes care of her and keeps her safe. Learning to trust that you are the forever mommy and daddy takes a lot of time and reassurance. Picking her up every time she expresses a need to be held proves to her that you will always take care of her and you are trustworthy. Even children adopted in the early days or months of life may struggle with trust.

FAQ: Shouldn't my baby be weaned from bottles when he's one year old?

Think of your child in terms of being emotionally as old as the number of months he's been home. If your child has only been home 5 months, ask yourself if you would wean a five-month-old baby from bottles. In your child's case, the bottle is a valuable attachment tool. He should be having his bottles in your arms while you hold the bottle and encourage eye contact. He should not be holding the bottle himself nor having it anywhere other than in your arms. All other drinks can come from a sippy cup but bottle time is still valuable for forming a healthy and secure bond between mother and child. It isn't unusual for children with attachment impairments to continue using bottles (with mom) for several years. Pediatricians are often concerned about teeth. Be sure to brush and/or wipe teeth with a washcloth after each bottle.

FAQ: We tried co-sleeping but my baby doesn't like it and sleeps better in the crib. Isn't it better that he can sleep through the night?

Many babies adopted internationally from foster care backgrounds have slept with their foster moms. When they arrive home, forever families are often perplexed by their sleep choices. They seem to prefer sleeping alone. Why the apparent change in behavior? Sleep is a close and intimate experience. Children with attachment issues do not handle intimate experiences well and push away even in their sleep.

Our son slept beautifully in his crib for the first four months. We assumed he was a baby who adjusted easily and liked his space. Four months later the anxiety he felt began to come out in his sleep through night terrors, nightmares, frequent waking, etc… It turned out that the four months he slept beautifully was avoidant behavior. Because of the sleep and attachment issues our attachment therapist recommended co-sleeping. It was very hard for a long time. He thrashed, kicked, tossed and turned, and cried out in his sleep all night long. He also tried to sleep as far away from me as possible. He definitely slept better without me but I stuck it out. It took a good six weeks before co-sleeping felt like it was successful. He now sleeps very peacefully and rolls into my body during the night and in the morning for comfort. Co-sleeping has had a profound and extremely positive effect on his attachment to me. I feel as though it has helped us to "gel". I can now tell while he's sleeping if he's experiencing any heightened anxiety and am better able to address behaviors the following day. (a. 6mo, FC)

We tried to co-sleep when our son arrived, knowing that his foster mother had slept with him. He would wake up repeatedly, often startling. We finally decided that we must be waking him up so we moved him to his crib. He continued to have some trouble. On the advice of our adoption social worker, we let him cry-it-out a couple of times. After a few nights, he settled in and slept wonderfully by himself. Ten months later, the night terrors and nightmares began. Twelve months after homecoming we figured out that he had an attachment problem. At age two, on the advice of attachment professionals, we began to co-sleep. It took about six weeks to succeed. Co-sleeping has been a wonderful bonding experience. In some ways it has reminded me of the intimacy achieved with my bio children through breastfeeding. Something about co-sleeping helps to regulate the child and helps the parent to more clearly understand where the child is in the attachment process. Only wish we'd have stuck with it in the beginning. (a. 5.5mo, FC)

FAQ: My baby is very big. Why should I carry him?

For attachment purposes it is very important to carry the baby, especially when he first comes home. By using a carrier that keeps the baby physically close, he is able to experience more face to face time and eye contact, feel the warmth of the mother and learn her scent, and use the mother to help him regulate which will in turn help the child to self-regulate. Because babies are older and do not hold onto the parent, they often feel extremely heavy and difficult to carry. A good carrier that is front facing (facing mother), does not have material between the child and mother, is made for older/heavier babies, and is suited for long wear, makes carrying a lot easier on the mother. The Ergo is one of our favorite carriers.
FAQ: Should I show my child photos of his foster mother? Why?

Yes. Some children will find comfort from seeing photos of his foster family. Others may grieve. But, in both cases, the child will be able to experience his feelings--good or bad--in the safety and security of his adoptive parent's arms.

At the age of 13 months, my son was miserable and had been for several days. Then we looked at pictures of his foster family. The whining stopped. And he just looked intently through the album. He'd turn the pages quickly when there weren't foster family or pictures of us, his adoptive parents. He'd carefully study photos with any of his parents. He looked studious, and sentimental, but not heartbroken. Then, on one page, he leaned in and kissed his foster mom's photo. After the pictures, he was sad and a bit whiney, but could be comforted by me easily. We keep the album where he can look at it anytime, but never when we aren't around since we don't want him to be lonely/sad without our comfort. He goes through it frequently. (a. 6mo, FC)

I got out the album from his foster mom and showed it to my son. HE LOVED IT!! He pointed and smiled and laughed but not in a way to shut me out. We must have looked at it for 15 minutes (which is long for him to sit with a book). The best part was my baby came back! He was pleasant all day and even started calling me "Mam" which he seemed to stop doing the last 2 weeks. I had to take the other kids out last night and I leaned down and said, "Mommy needs to go bye bye, I love you and Mommy will be back." Instead of pitching a fit he smiled and gave me a kiss! All I know is something changed and the only thing that was different was the album. When I got home at 8:30 he was in bed but awake. I scooped him up and rocked him and he smiled and snuggled in. What a way to end the night. (a. 6mo, FC)

Myth: Things such as whining, temper tantrums, sleep problems, etc… are always "normal" baby/toddler behavior.

Many symptoms do mirror behavior that is considered "normal". It is the frequency, duration, and/or intensity of the behaviors that is cause for concern. Many toddlers throw temper tantrums but frequent tantrums or tantrums that last for long periods of time are not necessarily "normal" behavior. Most children have sleep problems at some point in their lives, but they do not usually encounter night terrors every night for weeks at a time. Children like to be near their mothers, but it isn't normal for a child to need to be 6" away from his mother all day, every day, as he leaves the baby/toddler years behind.

All adoptive children are at risk of an attachment disorder because they have been separated from their birth mother. If a child has survived a brain tumor, one might consider a headache differently than if there were no history or predisposing conditions. In a similar manner, adoptive parents are wise to pay attention to the signs and symptoms of attachment issues in their children. Parenting techniques that work for "normal" toddler behaviors are generally ineffective if the behaviors do stem from an insecure attachment. Timeouts, spanking, and other generally accepted practices only serve to accomplish what the child already feels--distance from the parents.

Other parenting methods produce much better results even as they work to promote attachment. Just as a parent would have a pediatrician check ears for a possible ear infection to explain chronic fussiness, it is just as valuable to seek an evaluation from an attachment therapist and learn how to parent the emotional issues that play out in the baby/toddler's every day behaviors. Attachment therapy serves to deal with the root of the behavior even as it helps parents know how to best address day-to-day symptoms.

FAQ: Isn't it possible that my baby is just entering the "terrible twos" early?

Babies and toddlers often demonstrate attachment issues through aggressive, controlling, intense, persistent, and/or strong-willed behavior. ** Because they do not have a strong and healthy attachment, they experience periods of feeling highly anxious and unsafe. The anxiety may manifest itself in frequent temper tantrums, aggressive behaviors such as hitting or biting, chronic whining, and other behaviors that seem intense or over-the-top.

Often they try to overcompensate for not feeling safe by being controlling and strong-willed. But a child who is in control is not safe. It is too much responsibility for a child and it ends up making the child feel worse. If the behaviors begin at an early age, are intense and frequent at times (but maybe not all the time), or traditional parenting techniques lack effectiveness, the behaviors may stem from an attachment issue and it would be wise to consult with an attachment professional. Otherwise, the "terrible twos" may become the "terrible threes, fours, and fives". (And just imagine what the teenage years may hold.)

Attachment problems are treatable and manageable if caught early. One professional gives success rates of 100% with infants, 90% with toddlers, and 50% for those 5 and up. Early intervention is the key! **Note: A child with attachment problems may also demonstrate the exact opposite behavior. She may be overly compliant, quiet and/or easy-to-please. A baby who plays quietly alone for a long period of time, never interacting with or searching for a parent, would give cause for concern.

FAQ: Isn't a strong-will and independence just my baby's personality and not signs of attachment issues?

Could be. But given the child's history and early experiences he is at a greater risk for attachment issues that are treatable and manageable if caught early and dealt with appropriately, often with the help of an attachment professional. In terms of attachment issues, we generally consider the intensity, frequency, and duration of the behaviors. If your baby cried a lot for a couple days and nothing seemed to soothe her, you would most likely take her to the pediatrician to have her ears checked for a possible ear infection rather than chalk the crying up to a moody personality. Given her history, why not also check with an attachment professional when behaviors appear intense? Sometimes adoptive parents attribute behaviors to personality because the child's preflight report and/or notes from the foster parent included information about the behavior (trouble sleeping, strong will, high needs infant, etc…)

Parents say, "My child has been demanding since the beginning, so we know it's just his personality." But since attachment problems can begin with separation from the birth mother, the adoptive parent is wise to consider that the child may have already been exhibiting symptoms of an attachment problem while in his birth country with his foster family. One attachment therapist wisely told an adoptive parent, "Your son stepped off the plane with attachment problems." In some cases, the signs of attachment problems may have been evident long before he reached his forever family.

Myth: Pediatricians, social workers and therapists are equipped to recognize and diagnose attachment disorders.

Most medical and mental health professionals are not trained in attachment disorders. Since much of the literature talks about older children, even professionals trained in attachment disorders often fail to recognize symptoms in babies and toddlers. We still encounter attachment professionals who say that children adopted young out of foster care do not have attachment problems. Unfortunately, that is not the case. When looking for an attachment professional for a young child, ask questions about how many babies/toddlers the person has successfully diagnosed and treated.

Myth: Advice from a pediatrician designed for a normally attached child will not hurt a child with an attachment disorder.

Parents often turn to professionals like their pediatrician for advice on their child's development. While their advice may be beneficial to many, it can sometimes be detrimental to a child who does not have a healthy and secure attachment. Pediatricians often base their advice on the child's chronological age so it is crucial that parents have an understanding of the attachment process so they are aware that their child's needs are different from the norm. Many attachment professionals will advise parents to consider the emotional age rather than the chronological age of their child while guiding their children through the developmental stages. Often the emotional age of the child begins at zero months when he or she comes home to the forever family. While pediatricians know babies and children well, they are not well versed on the attachment process of a baby who has experienced loss and grief. Just as you would ask your pediatrician to evaluate your child's physical health upon arrival, it is also recommended that parents consider an evaluation with an attachment professional to evaluate the baby's emotional health as well.

Q & A: Pediatricians - While working with your pediatrician consider the following questions.

1. My son is 12 months old and his pediatrician wants me to wean him off the bottle. He's been home forever for 5 months. Is it too soon?

Yes. You might consider your child emotionally as old as the number of months he's been home. It is highly unlikely that a pediatrician would want a 5-month-old baby off of the bottle. In your child's case, the bottle is a valuable attachment tool. It is a perfect opportunity to hold your child close and encourage eye contact. He should not be holding the bottle himself nor having it anywhere other than in your arms. All other drinks can come from a sippy cup but bottle time at this age is still valuable for forming a healthy and secure bond between mother and child. Pediatricians are often concerned about teeth. Be sure to brush and/or wipe teeth with a washcloth after each bottle.

2. When I asked my pediatrician about attachment at our last check-up, she said that my son was very attached to me because he sat in my lap and appeared to like me. Does that mean we have a secure attachment?

Many people believe that a child who has attachment issues looks like he does not like his parents. Often, this is not the case. Children who struggle with the attachment process all look different. And a short visit with a pediatrician does not allow for adequate assessment. For example, some of our anxiously attached children received clean bills of attachment health because they clung to us in the doctor's office. It took an attachment professional to identify the difference between normal anxiety and attachment anxiety. An anxiously attached baby struggles with feeling safe and trusting that the mother won't leave. After all, that's been his experience so far. In contrast, some of our avoidantly attached children were deemed emotionally healthy because they were happy and outgoing in the doctor's office. Unfortunately, they are happy and outgoing to most strangers. Adoptive parents need to be familiar with attachment parenting and the attachment process and parent according to the child's emotional needs regardless of how he appears to other people.

FAQ: But my agency said that grieving doesn't last very long. My social worker said he looks fine. Wouldn't she know if there was a problem?

Not necessarily. A short visit with a social worker or pediatrician will often not reveal attachment problems. Especially if the adoptive parent hasn't been educated about what signs to look for and discuss during post-placement visits. Many symptoms only occur with the adoptive mom when home alone. If she doesn't know what to look for and report on, this could make the job of the social worker much more difficult, especially if the social worker has not had in-depth training on the subtle signs of attachment problems in babies/toddlers. Additionally, most children go through a "honeymoon period" that can last weeks or months. Sometimes the first symptoms of a problem do not show up until after the last post-placement visit.

Early on, our social worker encouraged us to let him cry-it-out at times. It didn't take long before he was sleeping well. He was a very happy baby. Our honeymoon period lasted for 6 months. Our social worker never saw an attachment problem because our last post-placement visit (at 6 months) was before his first real symptoms. (a. 5.5mo, FC)

The class my husband and I took before adopting prepared us for having a multi-cultural family and how to do the family tree type assignments at school. The only thing they mentioned briefly about attachment was what they called the "adjustment period" and they said he would need two weeks to "adjust" to our ways of living. When that baby came happily off the plane and happily accepting every new thing we presented we said "What adjustment period?" and didn't worry about people holding him or the signs of avoidance until it was out of control. My SW came to my house 30 days after our baby was home and told me that I MUST leave him with babysitters and I MUST go on dates with my husband...I thought she knew what she was talking about.... I now know that the times I left him made it worse. (a. 6mo, FC)

What we learned / saw

Olga spent a little bit of time with Nikolai when she stopped by to take his picture for us.

This is what we were told:

He was sleeping when she arrived so they woke him up to get a better picture.

While he was waking up, he was groggy and very smiley. Olga thought this was very cute.

His care provider was holding him when Olga held up the camera and Nikolai became alert and quit smiling. He is not smiling in his picture, but he is staring right at the camera and he’s pointing at something (with his adorably puffy finger!).

Olga said that Nikolai is walking. She told Inna that ‘he walks funny’ - a little unbalanced. Neither of these factoids surprise us - he seemed ready to take off when we were there 7 months ago and we doubt he gets tons of walking practice outside his playpen.

While she was there Olga watched him play with another baby in the playroom and he was 'chasing' after a ball.

She told Inna that she understands that we have been very worried about him, but ‘he looks great!’

Olga said that he was funny and is a very nice baby.

The picture was taken in the baby room where he sleeps. We did not see that room while we were there, but it is a very nice room – not crowded with cribs, clean, rug covered hardwood floor, shelves with lots of colorful toys. We were really pleased to see that.

In seven months, we have received measurement updates (weight, length and head & chest circumference) twice. Both times we were distraught about the depth of his failure to thrive. Inna called today with updated measurements (from April) and HE IS GROWING. We have been so worried about him.

He is a small fry – no doubt about it. But, he looks good and he is growing and these things mean so much since we're so far away.

He looks the same for those of you whom have seen his pictures. He has a little more hair (but, not much!) and it still looks redish. His hands are still big relative to his little body :) and he looks like a baby. I'm glad he looks like a baby! I think he has beautiful eyes - dark grey and he is dressed in some really cute pjs. I can tell his face has filled out a bit because his ears don't look as disproportionately large for his head. (I'm kind of laughing at myself as I write this b/c it feels like such a 'mom thing' to be honing in on such details. Believe me, if they had taken a picture of his poopy diaper - I'd be describing that in minutia as well!)

Our hearts are thrilled to have this update about our little guy. It makes us feel a little bit closer to him – a little less agonized.

Thank you for your excitement and support - really warms our hearts!

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The 2nd greatest gift

We got a picture today...and, Nikolai looks GREAT!

We're smiling really big smiles right now - the best gift we've received in 7 months! THANK YOU, Olga! This means so much to us.

He's such an adorable baby. We are dazed with delite.

Happy. Smiling.

Sigh. We've been really worried about him. It's so helpful to 'see' him.

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Of course the greatest gift would have been a court date - but, we'll take this with deep gratitude!

Promises

Nicholas,

You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

For you were made in my image. Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were born and before you were conceived, I sanctified your family. Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16

I knit you together in your mother's womb. Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. Psalm 71:6

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139.14

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26

Behold, Nicholas, you are your parents' heritage - their gift from me. Psalm 127.3

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. Jeremiah 31:3

And I rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. Exodus 19:5

As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you. John 17:23

You have lived 17-months on this earth, Nikolai!

And, I will reunite your family in good time.

Until then, I’m cradling you in the palm of my hand.

God

Another 19th

Wow, Nicholas!

You are 17-months-old today. We hope you get extra hugs and lovies on the 19ths of the months that we are separated from you.

Needless to say - we are severly bummed to be missing out on all of these passing months. It is difficult to celebrate in your absence; but, we do celebrate loving you!

7 months ago today, we left Indy for Ekat - not knowing anything about you - but, hopeful beyond any hope we had previously experienced that God was ultimately closing our childless chapter. He definitely did that with you and we are so so blessed to be your parents - even from afar.

We are ready to see you again and bring you home forever. And, we continue to pray that the transition will not be too difficult for you.

And, from somewhere deep deep in our hearts, we have conjured up hope that we will see you again before your 18 month birthday.

We love you very much - and think about you every second of every day.

Happy birthday, Kolya.

Mama & Daddy

After the storm

There's always 'a calm' after the storm - even when the storm is emotional.

We had bad weather this week - emotionally speaking, of course.

Now we're in the calm. It's better, preferrable. We're bouncing back - though the 'bounce' is getting tougher and is requiring more and more energy with cumulative disappointments.

It's going to happen for us. I even believe it's going to happen soon.

Apparently Olga has collected all of Nikolai's documents. Yesterday the judge signed the required paperwork allowing her (along with the orphanage social worker) to acquire the necessary signatures from his birth family (don't freak about this - it's a formality required for all Russian adoptions when the birth family is locate-able - his is, so the signatures are required).

I think this is how Olga will be able to get some recent pictures for us - she will be in his hometown (NT) - meeting with his parents. That really blows my mind. I wish I could be there - meeting with his birth parents. I am glad to know that they will be aware that he is being adopted. Based on the information we have (which, miraculously is quite a bit), I think this will please his birth mother.

Anyway - these signatures really are the last formality. Once they are acquired and delivered to the judge - all she has to do is assign our court date.

It's quite possible that we will know our court date by the of this month.

Hope, however, has become one of my more vulnerable emotional states...I am absolutely holding my breath.

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215

I have 215 pictures documenting my son's 16.5+ months on earth.

1 registry picture.

214 pictures taken between 10/23 - 10/25/07.

215 pictures; of which I have every detail memorized.

I have not laid eyes on my child or an updated image of my child for nearly 7 months.

I need...as I have never before known need.

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An unpleasant - everything

Ending an unpleasant day with an unpleasant call from Inna when she's full of unpleasant news is not my idea of good times.

Please don't ask me questions - I feel confused, angry, disappointed and thrown to the wolves.

Here's what I know...

Olga is 'hoping' to get the judge to sign the document required to begin collecting the kids' documents on Wednesday this week. (Blech - that's the sound of me NOT holding my breath)

After that document is signed (sometime between Wednesday and my 80th birthday), Olga predicts our court date will fall ~1 month later.

If that's the case, our court date will occur mid-June at the earliest and Nicholas will be home in July. (Blech - not holding my breath again)

This is not the news I was hoping for this week.

Rant warning: I am no longer entertaining the excuse that our excessive wait was exclusively inspired by 'the reorganization'. The reorganization added 6 weeks. SIX WEEKS! We were notified about the shut down in mid-December and by the end of January, the court was requesting documents from us. So, even if we subtract the unpredicted additional 6 week delay - that's still a minimum of 6.5 months between trips (assuming, of course, that Cruella the judge actually awards us a date mid-June). When we were in Ekat, Olga told us we would be back for court by February. Add 6 weeks to that prediction...that doesn't add up to MID-JUNE! I can tell you with full confidence that we will NEVER adopt from Ekat again. Once is plenty. And, if it weren't for knowing and loving my son, I'm thinking never would have been ideal.

Sigh...trusting no one.

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Oh - and apparently Olga is going to get pictures and measurements for us. Blech.

Patience may be a virtue...

...but, it's not one of mine.

Patience: the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation or the like; an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.

That clearly doesn’t describe me.

I haven’t faced this wait with patience. I simply haven’t. It’s a misdirected compliment because it’s not true.

I’m not patient about how unbelievably ridiculous and unnecessary this delay has been. I am annoyed and I am complaining - loudly; losing my temper - regularly; expressing irritation - daily. I’m entirely unwilling to suppress the restlessness that breaks my heart every time I wonder about him. I wonder about him so often. And, I'm so angry that he is stuck there - suffering, failing to thrive, missing out on some of his most precious and vulnerable developmental moments. I am enraged.

That’s not patience. Believe me - I am overwhelmed by my impatience – sometimes right to the brink of my furthest levels of tolerance and sanity.

Please – hear me complain!

I have faced this wait.

That’s all I’ve done. And, I have done it in the truest sense of my humanity - with raw, honest, painful emotion - the expression of which I refuse to apologize for.

And, today (Why today?) it is so painful. It's excruciating today.

What I am is persistent. I’m devoted to my son. I’m relentless, stubborn, decisive, and resolved.

I’m in it for the long-haul. But, I loathe how long the haul has been.

What is the alternative?

This isn’t patience. It's not even resignation or tolerance.

It's endurance - and, I am severely cashing out.

cm

Childless Mother's day

Another one. Sigh.

There are many mothers missing their children today - for various reasons, over various lengths of time and distance, with various levels of hope for a reunion. And, there are many children - young and not-so-young alike - missing their mothers today.

Please pray for all of us. We are acutely reminded of our status on Mother's day.

And, may all you mothers out there - especially my own - have a blessed day.

"If I had a flower for each time I thought of my mother, I could walk in my garden forever." --Unknown

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And, a very special shout out to all of my ladies experiencing Mother's day (really experiencing it) for the very first time after uniquely painful battles to earn your new identities - you know who you are - Happy Mother's day!

Victory Day - День Победы

Victory day is celebrated in Russia as a way of marking the fall of Nazi Germany's facism at the end of WWII (otherwise known in Russia as 'The Great Patriotic War'). This national holiday has been observed in Russia since the war ended in 1945.

I must admit that I find this fascinating given that communism had been in full force in Russia since the revolution of 1917.

On the other hand, Russians really seem to value and honor their strong leaders and they did lose many many lives in WWII.

In some ways, this 'celebration' seems reverent and mournful for the fallen much like Memorial Day here in the US - a way to communicate respect for those whom protect us and to simultaneously process deep seeded grief.

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What I want / What I get

I've been feeling a little desperate today.

I want good Mother's Day news.

I want Sunday to feel like a celebration because I have received a tangible end to my childlessness.

I really really want something to connect me to the why.

------

Today, we received our first letter from Andrey. We have been writing to him for three months. He's happy to recieve our letters. He told me when they celebrated Easter. He wants us to send pictures of Max the dog. He thanks us for our prayers and wishes.

I wish I could eloquently describe the overwhelming joy that his 5 line letter brought me today.

A motherless child connects with a childless mother - God's timing is perfect, isn't it?

Do this - it just may be one of the most rewarding $34/month you will ever spend.

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I'm honored

It's true.

I don't think suffering is something that most of us would seek willingly. In fact, I count myself among those whom deliberately seek to avoid it.

But, in the midst of it - even when it's acutely painful - I am reminded of the great honor and gifts inherent in such experiences. The truth is, God always has my best interest in mind - but what is in my best interest is obviously not always painless. Truth.

Matt and I know we can survive hard things - together. Is there anything more profound, comforting or trust-building that can come out of shared marital struggle? This is a gift that not many marriages are given in their earliest days.

We have connected to fellow suffers with a depth that can take years to foster in typical friendships - in particular with families whom are also waiting for their Ekat kiddos to come home. These families 'get it' so profoundly and the bond that has been created through our co-misery is, quite simply, a deep source of strength - an access to God's love and comfort in the flesh (or on the phone!).

Our son is on the receiving end of hundreds of intercessory prayers every single day. That is so beautiful to us - the greatest gift. He is loved by people whom would not have otherwise considered his existence had parenthood come easily for us. A true honor - one's child being loved by the masses of people desperate for his ultimate family reunion.

God trusts us to more-than-survive this. He trusts us to thrive and to connect as well as we're able with the bigger picture. He's always known that our path to parenthood would not be simple. And, I am so grateful that he has put into place the various resources we need to facilitate our experience.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him - James 1:12

He trusts us to persevere - to walk through this - to stand the test - to love him - to receive the promise.

How could we possibly be more honored in this lifetime?

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I'm also honored that you're reading along!

366 days = 1 leap year

One year ago today we e-mailed Inna and initiated our adoption process.

That was such an exciting day!

This day? Not so much.

cm

Entirely inconsolable

My third post in one day. I’m feeling...

Matt and I hung out with our 1-year-old nephew for a couple of hours tonight while his parents were otherwise committed (in other words – I can’t remember what they were doing). Louie was one unhappy camper at Aunt Carla and Uncle Matt’s house. We certainly didn’t take that personally. He’s 1. Separation anxiety communicates healthy attachment to his parents. And, he doesn’t know us all that well. He spent the first hour of our short visit entirely inconsolable.

It left me reminiscing about the afternoon nearly 7 years ago when my friend Maggie and I drove 30 minutes north of Knoxville (where we were both in the midst of our clinical internship at The University of Tennessee – yes, the T in ‘the’ is capitalized and I think it’s hilarious! I digress…) to pick up Max and make me a first-time puppy parent. I was mostly excited, but also a little apprehensive. I was going to single parent this pup in the midst of a busy clinical schedule working in a city where I literally only knew the people I worked with at the counseling center on campus. And, let me tell you, my sweet angel howled the entire way home – nearly wiping out my excitement and severely exacerbating my apprehension. And, I mean he howled a heart-wrenching cry that broke his human mama’s heart. In fact, I remember asking Maggie if she thought I should take him back to his litter. It felt so cruel and selfish. Little Max spent the first 12 hours of our new lives together entirely inconsolable.

Is it probably clear where I’m going with this...

Will Nicholas be entirely inconsolable? I will be taking him away from everything he has known and everyone he has loved in his semi-conscious life. And, in some ways, adoption does feel selfish to me. Believe me, I am equally defended by the ‘giving him a better life’ argument; but I struggle existentially with the reality that my relationship with my son was born resulting a society that doesn’t adequately address the social classism inherent in many decisions (voluntary or involuntary) to place one’s child in someone else’s care. Isn’t it, on some fundamental level, a parallel requirement that those of us blessed by adoptive parenthood also advocate for the eradication of its need? (Please know before you feel compelled to tell me that you ardently disagree - which you are certainly entitled to do - that I do not perceive a 'pefect world' that excludes the blessing of adoption. I do, however, believe that a world in which families are obligated to rescind parental rights due to a lack of resources to care for their children - needs some work. Anyway, it's quite clear that significantly more kiddos are in need of adoptive families than are families willing / available to adopt.)

Eventually, Louie settled in – and looked adorably cozy snuggling on his Uncle Matt’s lap.

Eventually, Max stopped howling – and learned that though I wasn’t covered in black hair and walking on all fours, I loved him and would care for him and that he would be okay with me.

Eventually, Nicholas will be home...

...Until then, I am entirely inconsolable.

cm

Federici / Molina seminar notes 04.25.08

Our agency is really good about creating and/or directing us to educational opportunities pertaining to post-institutionalization parenting and attachment. Early last June, my mom and I attended a half-day seminar where we had the opportunity to hear Dr. Ron Federici (quite a guru in the world of PI adoption) talk about adopting and parenting children whom have been institutionalized. I must admit, we left early. Dr. Federici is not the best intro into this world. He may be ‘the best’ regarding the information he disseminates, but he’s pretty blunt – he pulls no punches – and I left there completely overwhelmed and admittedly, terrified. My mom’s head was spinning, too.

Last Friday (4/25), Dr. Federici and Nadya Molina were back in Indy – this time for a full-day seminar. Both Matt and I attended and I’m happy to say that one year and copious learning later, I wasn’t overwhelmed at all. In fact, I felt validated in our preparation. Matt and I feel that we have done all we can to prepare for our kiddo and at this point, we know what to do and we’ll figure the rest out as we go.

A few of you out-of-towers e-mailed me and asked if I’d share my notes. Happily! I’ve debated how I wanted to present this information - if I wanted to write something up or if I should just post my notes (I typed these notes during the seminar because I cannot read my own writing). Ultimately, I’ve decided to post my notes - less work for me. If you have questions about any of this, please post them in the comments section and/or send me an e-mail and I will do my best to respond and/or research the answer for you – and, will post a follow up in a few days/weeks.

Happy reading...

cm

Dr. Ronald Federici
April 25, 2008

Understanding and Treating Developmental Traumas and Academic Failures
in Abused, Neglected and Adopted Children

Taking the institution out of the child: A systematic process

• Can definitely take the child out of the institution: what is the best way?
• Adoption is stressful for the child and family: new challenges and expectations
• Must understand how children grow up in institutional settings
• Respect for child’s developmental experiences: positives and problems
• The Big 4 diagnoses assigned to PI kids: ADHD, Bipolar, RAD, CD / ODD

There are often organic reasons for the symptoms leading to these diagnoses in PI children from Eastern Bloc countries. Don’t treat the symptoms; systematically address the brain-related issues inherent in PI adoptees. Start early – don’t ‘wait and see’. It’s better to do too much early than wait and be too late.

It’s easy to take the kid out of the orphanage. Getting the orphanage out of the kid, however, is serious and difficult – regardless of the child’s age when s/he entered her/his family (but, more difficult 3+ for children whom have been exclusively institutionalized.

Rule #1 – NO STIMULATION UPON ARRIVAL HOME - NONE

(*NOTE: This rule applies relationally to children adopted under the age of 3 y/o; but cognitively they need stimulation – make up for lost time. SO – DO NOT introduce them to anyone outside their immediate social circle until they have shown evidence of parental attachment.)

Family / relatives seem to create the biggest problems for parents of PI kids:
Their advice is archaic and doesn’t pertain to PI parenting
They don’t respect boundaries
They minimize your adjustment needs and tell you that your child is ‘just being a child’ or suggest that you ‘wait and see’ before seeking help.
Kids tend to attach to older adults b/c caretakers tend to be older women.

(*Carla note: apparently Federici has some uninformed, opinionated family / in laws with boundary issues! We fully expect our family and friends to respect our boundaries and avoid criticism of our parenting decisions – if we’re not experiencing this respect from anyone in particular – we will address that with them directly.)

PARENTS HAVE TO BE THE PRINCIPLE ATTACHMENT FIGURE - PERIOD.

The chances of your PI child having attachment difficulties, post-trauma, and/or behavior problems is 100%. Move on. Deal with it. Older children will manifest this earlier upon arriving home – younger children are more likely to express this as they get older.

Federici believes holding therapy is a huge mistake.

Some maternal care in early infancy (even bad maternal care) is better for a child’s long-term attachment prognosis than abandonment at birth.

Taking the kid out of the orphanage:

• It’s very stressful for the child to come to this country. They do attach to their orphanage (even if they haven’t attached to their care providers). And, they’re indiscriminant. They’ll go off with strangers.
• If your kid dislikes you – you’re doing well. This means you’re undoing the process of indiscriminant attachment. If your older child (~3+) immediately attaches and calls you mom and dad, you may have a big problem on your hands. Indiscriminant attachment is a red flag to long-term issues. They are parroting words (mom and dad) – they have no idea what those words / roles mean.
• Immediate attachment is a trauma bond – don’t be flattered. They’re experiencing you as similarly traumatized – like a soldier/soldier relationship in combat. This is not healthy parent/child attachment.

Read ‘The Dog Training Guide for Kids’ recommended for addressing kids’ behavior struggles - Keep your sense of humor! There are methods to madness in raising children who struggle.

(*Carla note: I looked for this book on Amazon.com and couldn’t find it. Has anyone heard of this book? I’ll also e-mail Inna and ask her to check with Federici – in case I documented the title incorrectly.)

Goals for newly adoptive parents:

• Understand the effects of institutional life.
• Know what you’re dealing with and/or what you may be dealing with. There’s no such thing as a ‘good orphanage’. Some of them are better than others.
• Understand your child’s strengths, weaknesses and areas needing rehabilitation
• Early interventions lead to more positive outcomes
• Accept less than ‘perfection’ and realize there is no ‘quick fix’
• Accept problems as they occur and work towards solutions
• Avoid dealing with major issues alone

Methods to madness: Raising special children

• Know what you’re dealing with, even if the information is difficult to accept
• Acceptance leads to new insight/motivation
• Outline a treatment plan and stick to it. Talk therapy, individual therapy, play therapy do not work with these kids. Individual behavior therapy works, (see Nadya Molina’s ABA presentation notes below) changing family structure works.
• Get the best specialized help available
• 'Pay now or pay later', it’s all the same. The more you do early, the better your outcomes will be. Never use time-out with a PI child. Time-in with their parents is a far greater punishment for a child. *Note: he’s particularly talking about older children (adopted age 3+)
• LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. Don’t let anyone convince you that everything will be ‘fine’ with just a little love.
• Do not accept failure: find new methods

Strategies for parents:

• Find out what works and quit obsessing over ‘bad’ learned behaviors. These kids are survivors. Admire them.
• Just remember ’No good deed goes unpunished’. The more you give these kids (stimulation, toys, etc), the less you’ll get in return.
• Do more ‘action’ as opposed to giving
• Try not to succumb to desperation or ‘giving up’…you signed up for this. Your biological child could struggle similarly and you would never consider ‘disrupting’ that relationship.
• Take time for yourself and get ideas / support
• Watch your own personal reactions – it’s easy to get angry, hate your child, blame your child
• Maintain a healthy emotional distance when working on major problem behaviors. Don’t let them get to you. They’re kids and they may not know any other way to act (Dog training guide to parenting…good framework for addressing problem behaviors in children whom have been damaged – don’t be offended by the title – it’s full of good information)
• Try not to take it personally – it may be institutional behaviors and experiences resurfacing.
• Be aware that parents often talk too much when the child is not even listening.
• Accept the role of a ‘teacher and trainer’ instead of being a parent and ‘friend’. You have 1-2 years to get behavior in control (regarding the adoption of older children 8+). Keep stimulation at a minimum and keep ‘other’ contact at a minimum until the child attaches to parents. Ignore criticism. Your child is more important than your ego.

Ways to teach and modify: A guide for parents

• Ignoring and forgetting to discipline does not help (i.e. kids like going to their room)
• Take an active stance and be directive but not confrontational
• Must know when to stimulate and reward, and when to avoid giving in (or giving up)
• Accept imperfection and teach compliance, attitude and prosocial behaviors
• Remember you can teach a child to do anything, regardless of their disabilities.
• Post-institutionalized children will continue to show their ‘true colors’ over the course of time. This is why a home-based intervention program is suggested.
• Must continually upgrade and intensify treatment interventions
• ALWAYS respect a child’s cognitive strengths and limitations (children can only function at their inherent level)

How to handle disabilities and differences

• Older PI children who are adopted will create greater challenges
• Initial presentation can be quite misleading
• ‘Honeymoon period’ can last from minutes to months
• Many children present with quasi or ‘Institutional Autistic’ characteristics.
• Frustrating and confusing behaviors stress new families and can lead to despair
• Important to understand self-stimulating behaviors, superficial or indiscriminant attachments, and avoidance
• Families must remember to be highly structured, focused and goal directed
• Consistency and firmness is the key to success
• Hard to do when you are trying to love your child and “fix all the years they have missed”. You can’t “fix” what was lost – you can work on healing and the development of healthy coping skills.
• Relationships and ‘attachments’ take time to develop and strengthen
• No one attaches overnight – assuming immediate attachment is naïve and dangerous
• Teach anything / everything to your child
• Maintain the family hierarchy – parents are in control not the child

Concluding thoughts for optimal success:

• Understand the ‘interplay’ between cognitive and emotional functioning
• Respect child’s abilities and disabilities
• Fix what you can and accept what you can’t
• Continually add specialized care
• Family members need to take care of themselves
• Failures lead to new understandings – don’t shy away from failure

Lower functioning kids are easier to train because they’re concrete – less abstract thinking. More intelligent children tend to be more capable of sociopathic and manipulative behaviors because they have the cognitive skills to pull it off.

Parents who are proactive and have lower expectations adjust better to PI parenting. Let go of the fantasy.

Learn functional Russian: stop, pee, eat, sleep, no, etc. (Your worst Russian is better than their institutional Russian)

Trauma develops from confusion and uncertainty about what happened – AT EVERY AGE! Infants can be traumatized. Don’t minimize this by assuming they were unaffected.

Don’t assume that your younger adopted child will not deal with post-trauma and institutional autism.

The earlier out of the orphanage – the better off the child will be.

For younger kids – issues are genetic vulnerabilities; babies can have profound anaclytic or abandonment depression. You want to over stimulate a young child. Give the kid’s hard drive as much parental attachment stimulation as possible. Draw this line at 3 years old. From 3+ they need time to detox from institutional care. Younger than that – traditional, strong nurturing parenting. Stay at home. Minimize distractions (of your own attention to the child). No daycare. Raise your child aggressively. If the child is having trouble at 2-3 y/o after being home 1-2 years, there are likely to be some ongoing challenges related to biology and PI trauma. At 2-3 y/o if ‘best parenting’ isn’t working – then move onto plan B. When a child struggles for years and years following an early adoption (2 years or younger), there is likely an autistic spectrum diagnosis often directly related to the effects of institutionalization.

Attachment disturbances in traumatized children: Assessment and treatment
Reactive attachment disorder (RAD)
Involves neurodevelopmental, psychosocial, behavioral and family assessments
Never exists by itself – multiple comorbidities
Multiple subtypes (inhibited, indiscriminant, anxious, externalizing)

Common traits and characteristics of RAD
Emotional abandonment with anhedonia
Institutional / Traumatic autistic development
Regression in language and cognitive skills
Perceptual distortions
Pseudo-psychotic logic
Unpredictable moods and defensiveness
Extreme self-debasement, paranoia, mistrust
‘Sabotage’ relationships out of fear of further rejection and abandonment

Attachment disturbances: A continuum
Progression of aggression and detachment
Begins with profound neglect, deprivation, abuse, bizarre exposure in parenting, with no ‘retracking’
Imitative pattern of pathological role models
Cognitive and psychological confusion based on lack of infant-toddler developmental experiences
Sensory and cognitive attachment difficulties

Developmental Retracking: Life Values
Listening and obeying
Making choices: from appropriate to bizarre
Working with permission and supervision
Respect, responsibility and reality (reality therapy)
Training in gentle and kind behaviors
Consequences for everything
Accepting NO: an inevitability
Focus and complete my tasks – not yours
Giving choices as a disciplinary technique

When you’re feeling overwhelmed with your child, get help so the child feels overwhelmed – there is strength in numbers!

Healthy Child-Parent interactions
Active listening
Encouraging developmental processes to re-emerge (regression)
Stop negative interactions
Shaping and reinforcing all positive
Be vigilant
Practice, rehearse script, and reinforce
Choice theory (Glasser 2000)
Provide safety through predictability and strength

Behavioral-Cognitive interventions
Scripted activities (adults only holding environment)
Gaining compliance for escalating behaviors: Spectrum of discipline
Teaching transition and attachments
Dealing with stranger anxiety (how to deal with new attachments)
Mentors and mentoring to assist in problem-solving
Reflecting behaviors (“Mirror Time”)
Emphasis on comparison and contrasting behaviors
Attachment rituals (some things must be done)

Schedules, Activities and Demands
Pre and post instructions are mandatory
Sensory calming and activating tasks
Language, communication and socialization drills
Teaching perceptivity and recognition of emotions
Attack aberrant and bizarre cognitions (rational problem-solving, brain storming, cognitive restructuring)
Focused social-interactive training
Parents or authority figure interactions (supervised)
Small group role playing
Parental or caretaker group training

*It’s okay to be his caretaker first and his parent second. That’s the natural evolution of attachment.
*None of these kids lie. They live in their own reality based in histories of trauma and loss. Don’t rationalize with them – consequence them. (“This is what you did / This is what I saw / This is what’s going to happen.” “But,…” “No buts.”)

LEVEL SYSTEM:
o Level 1: Adult Only

• 3 foot rule
• 24/7 supervision
• All activities supervised and mandated
• Training and rehearsal
• Level II: practice for attachment-separation
• Reinforcers, training, token economy, contractual
• Continual mentoring
• Level III: movement Towards Autonomy
• Must graduate levels
• Multiple tasks and assignments
• Must have concepts of attachments and cooperation

------------------------

Nadya M. Molina, M.Ed., BCBA
Board Certified Behavior Analyst
nadyamolina@alternativebehaviors.com
www.alternativebehaviors.com

Applied Behavior Analysis for the Post-Institutionalized Child

ABA can be applied to multiple emotional / behavioral struggles. Though it is typically considered a treatment for autism, this is not the case.

ABA is intensive behavioral training (means the design, implementation, and evaluation of instructional and environmental modifications to produce socially significant improvements in human behavior through skill acquisition and the reduction of problematic behavior. A behavior analysis program shall be based on empirical research, include the direct observation and measurement of behavior, and utilize antecedent stimuli, positive reinforcement, and other consequences to produce behavior change. California Department of Developmental Services http://www.bacb.com/consum_frame.html)

• Behavior is a person’s interaction with her/his environment. Behavior is not a bad thing.
• Behavior is a problem when the intensity, frequency or duration of a certain behavior causes problems with that person’s interaction with his/her environment.
• When we want to teach new behaviors, 24-7 treatment is warranted (not 1-2 hours / week)
• When people communicate via an unusual behavior, sometimes the most appropriate response is to listen carefully to what they are ‘saying’ and change the environment accordingly (pumping the gas into the gas tank rather than the back seat – same behavior – change environment).
• GET CREATIVE – transferring behaviors to something more appropriate
• Ask yourself: What Would Skinner Do? (Skinner is the pioneer of radical behaviorism)

Functional Assessment: classifying and selecting treatments based upon function of problem behavior

The ABC’s:
ANTECEDENT (any stimulus – event, action, etc. – that precedes and influences the onset of behavior)
BEHAVIOR (function = reinforcement that maintains or increases a behavior. If a behavior occurs; that means it is being reinforced in some way by someone or something in the environment.)
CONSEQUENCE (contingent even that follows and affects whether the behavior will decrease or increase over time. ‘Contingent’ means there is an ‘if…then’ relationship between the behavior and its consequences. There are good consequences and bad consequences.
*If you know the antecedent and the consequence, you can manipulate the behavior (Antecedent=test / anxiety Behavior=’Teacher, I am sick.’ Consequence=go to the nurse’s office / avoid the test). Instead of reinforcing escape and avoidance, you’ll create a new environment to teach a new behavior.

Ignore unwanted behaviors
First time they do something right – reinforce the heck out of it!

Functions of Behavior:
To obtain attention
To obtain internal stimulation
To escape / avoidance

Functions / What to do (Strategies):

1. To obtain attention / Ignore (unless the behavior is self or other injurious)
2. To obtain internal stimulation / Make changes to environment
3. To obtain activities/objects / DO NOT provide access to activities and/or objects
4. Escape or Avoid attention / Reinforce appropriate ways of communicating need
5. Escape or Avoid tasks and/or activities / Provide break in between activities

PI Child: What do we need to focus on?

• Characteristics of behavior and their functions (not diagnoses)
• Nadya wants the next DSM revision to include a specific diagnostic category for PI children
• PI kids metabolize meds at a completely different rate (IMPORTANT – chemical makeup is different based on trauma, abuse, neglect, exposure to alcohol in utero, etc)
• There is no indication that traditional medical treatments are as effective for PI kids than for non-PI populations.
• We need to teach people how different our children are (don’t let a professional whom is unfamiliar with PI issues misdiagnose your child! ADVOCATE every single day for your child.).
• We need to think past, present and future
• What happened before and how is that impacting the behavior? (i.e. When was the child adopted? Where? How old? Relevant information from/about biological parents?)
• What are we doing after we bring the child home that is impacting behavior? (Stimulation in the home, number of people he is exposed to, structure provided, schedule maintained, etc.) To facilitate PI child adjustment: focus on attachment & postpone operating from love (they will learn what love is when they start to feel safe – attachment and behavioral regulation will foster safety), limit number of toys/things around, limit the number of people around, teach child what mom / dad / family is through ‘my family’ book and role play (‘mom’ & ‘dad’ are just words – they mean nothing to PI kids), maintain consistent and structured schedule (organize the child’s life with predictability – they are overwhelmed, over stimulated and emotionally disorganized), directives (commands, drills, positive language, minimal words ‘do this’ – refrain from negating directive, ‘do not do this’), maintain expectations, keep consistency between parents and among environments – mom and dad do the SAME thing (when using other care providers – they do the SAME thing, too. Grandparents should not be allowed to ruin your hard work at home.), discipline, discipline, discipline…discipline is not abuse – it is the association of consequences with behavior. There is nothing wrong with discipline – X behavior = Y consequence – all the time. NEVER negotiate – unless you want to perpetuate annoying, boundary-violating behaviors.
• PI Behavior: Can we change it? How can this information help us? This information is data that will help you understand your child? Use the information to understand behavior, and to know how to create effective interventions. Look at the data and go from there. When you are operating from emotion – you are likely screwing up. Create behavioral interventions based on the data and the desired change.
• What will we do in the future to teach new behaviors?
  o What are we teaching? (SELF-REGULATION, SELF-CONTROL (see ‘social scripts’), BOUNDARIES (see ‘steps’), SOCIAL SKILLS)
  o Who is teaching new behaviors? PARENTS. Who is in charge? PARENTS. (do not negotiate with the child – child rearing is a dictatorship, not a democracy)
  o When are we doing this? ALL THE TIME
  o How are we doing this? STRUCTURE, DISCIPLINE, CONSISTENCY
  · Social skills training:
  o Define the skill (e.g., follow directions, use your words, use self-control, etc.)
  o Model the skill
  o Role-play
  o Parent rehearses with the child (puppets can be used during this step)
  o Peer rehearses with the child monitored y parent (puppets can be used during this step)
  o Reinforce skill
  o Social scripts (social skills training) Carol Grey – ‘The new social story book’
  o Catchy phrases (social skills training)
  o ‘Navigating the social world’ (Janet McAffe) & Jed Baker’s social skills training resources
  · How do you know the child is ready for outside stimulation?
  o There is no indiscriminate affection
  o More eye contact
  o They want to please you (versus exclusively wanting you to please them)…older child
  o Child wants to be with parent
  o Exhibits safety behaviors at home

It went well

Our documents arrived at FedEx ~9:30a. We met the KF family at the airport at 11a.

Smooth sail.

I did learn that this family is NOT going to Ekat (smart family) - they are, however, dropping our documents off to the FF coordinator in Moscow, whom will mail them to Olga early next week. Not quite as speedy - but, much better than waiting until Monday to drop them in the mail.

Tick tock, tick tock.

cm

A Saturday in the life

Inna called today to let us know that THE FF letter that Olga needs to begin collecting Nikolai's documents arrived today - in North Carolina. SO, they are FedEx-ing it overnight and it is to arrive in Indy between 9-11a tomorrow (Saturday).

Matt and I are to track the package and pick it up at FedEx as soon as it arrives. We will then hoof it over to the Indianapolis airport and hand it to another KF family whose flight for Ekat leaves at 12p. FedEx is a 30 minute drive from the airport. This could be very interesting.

It is so confusing when we wait wait wait with nothing happening and then suddenly the urgency is imminent.

Why can't the whole document process in Ekat be this urgent?

Predictably, the Morgan luck will turn this into an out-of-our-control drama...no doubt in my mind. BUT, if we do pull this off, our documents will be hand delivered to Olga on Monday. That would be an enjoyable bit of pleasantness in the midst of the storm.

I'll let you know how it goes!

cm

By the way - our 'Acting' Assessor letter is in hand.

The Morgan luck strikes again

One of the documents on the previously mentioned list of requests following our supposed 'approval' required to update our County Assessor letter, which indicates that we are the only people living in our single-family dwelling. Good grief.

Yesterday, we got the go-ahead to collect this letter exactly as we had last summer (Sarah was waiting to hear from Olga why we even had to re-do this one - still don't know - probably never will). So, I called the Assessor's office, explained what I needed, reminded them that I was there last summer for the same letter and was told that, yes, they did indeed know what I was talking about and I could come by Thursday morning (5/1 - today) to collect our Assessor's signature.

Jackie - our lovely notary-friend whom has traipsed all over town notarizing documents for our adoption - met me at the Assessor's office (a 30 minute drive from Greenwood, unfortunately) at 8:30a this morning. I dutifully presented my letter, noting that the only thing I need from the office was three copies of the letter photocopied onto letterhead and signed by the County Assessor - Jackie would notarize the signature.

This is what I heard...

"Well, we have an interesting dilemma with this today. Marla Hash, our County Assessor, retired yesterday."

YESTERDAY!

I'm not kidding. How could I possibly make up all of the unbelievably random roadblocks that we have encountered on our path to parenthood?

It is difficult on days like today to refrain from questioning whether or not parenthood is really on God's lists of experiences we're meant to have.

It's clearly not needless-to-say that after a long morning enduring mega-doses of cortisol to my brain, this is ultimately working itself out.

Let's just pray that our nitpicky judge doesn't question why we have an 'Acting County Assessor.' Our new assessor will not take office until May 28th.

A day in the life...

cm