I want to believe / Trust no one

Our adoption feels a lot like Mulder’s quest for proof of alien existence. A lot.

1. We’re driven by loss, too. Lots of them – painfully searching for our answers.
2. We have informants plugging us with updates that often leave us feeling confused and paranoid.
3. ‘Our people’ walk on egg shells protecting our fragile psyches’ inability to clearly process the craziness we filter through daily. Are we Spooky Matt & Carla?
4. Sometimes it feels like we’re navigating an entirely different world – one with menacing hazards around every corner.
5. It’s a phenomenon! There’s simply no other way to describe our judge’s overwhelming psychopathology.
6. Our intelligence feels almost entirely artificial – typical, rational thought just doesn’t apply.
7. We’ve been inducted into a counter-culture of ‘our own’ and we really prefer to spend time only with ‘those who get it’.
8. Hermits – honestly, I significantly prefer to blog re-watching seasons of the X-files than I do spending social time with people (but, that's pretty typical for Matt though!).
9. We want to believe. We really want to believe.
10. But, we’re beginning to trust no one.

It’s probably not good when your emotional life parallels science fiction. Probably not good at all.

We have connected via phone with another waiting Ekat family (B&K). I understand that some of you blog readers know B&K much better than we do! But, I must say, I am so moved by the immediate bond that humans create in the midst of suffering and shared experience. There is simply nothing more poignant than the support of someone walking with you.

B&K have walked through hell on earth to become parents to their kiddos in Russia. It’s not my place to rant their details publically, but I will tell you that they met their kids one month before we did and they are still waiting for their court date as well. Please pray for them. This is so unbelievably hard and bad days abound.

B&K are adopting through a different agency so we’ve been able to share information as we acquire it. It’s so hard to know where to place our trust and we are all so desperate to make sense of what is happening to us. Sometimes we’re able to put some pieces of the puzzle together. Usually we’re just confused and upset and co-miserable.

Today we compared conflicting information about the timeline for collecting the kids’ documents. They were told that we may be waiting another month or two before a court date is assigned. We are all desperate to believe that this is not the case.

We want to believe.

Trust no one.

cm

Hail storm

The title is non-adoption related. We literally just had a 60 second hail storm. On April 28th. In Central Indiana. Go figure.

I spoke with Inna again today. (I am a stalker. I don't always update here when I've called because if I did, my blog would become a full-time job. Sad, but true.)

Here's what I know:

Olga needs updated FBI clearances BEFORE she can start compiling Nikolai's documents. Fortuntately, this was on Sarah's predictive list of to-dos, so ours will be on their way to Ekat this week.

Once she receives these clearances, it will take her approximately two weeks to gather N's documents. Apparently Inna gave Olga an ear-full today about how ridiculous this entire process has been for us (and P&B) and she hopes to have lit an inspirational fire under her bum. I always fear that such 'fires' may come back to haunt us - I am never one to rock the boat my life depends on.

After N's documents are compiled and presented to the court, the judge can (will?) award a court date.

My gut says we'll be traveling late May for an early June court date and we'll have him home by my bday on 6/29. Happy Birthday, Me!

My gut predictions have been nearly moronic throughout our adoption delays, but for some reason I still listen to them.

Maybe my gut is actually my hope.

Hmmm...

cm

Inna called today (Saturday)...

Did your heart sink? Boy, mine did.

Matt and I were two minutes from church with three minutes to spare before mass started for my neice's first communion when Inna's name popped up on my cell phone. The inner turmoil was ugly - my self-talk sounded something like this:

Dark, pessimistic Carla said, "This cannot be good. She has NEVER called on a Saturday before. Do you really want to get bad news right before spending time with your entire family? You should let this go to voicemail." (This version of me, by the way, wants to be clear that she is not a pessimist, she's a realist!)

Hopeful, optimistic Carla responded, "Are you kidding me with this? There's no way this call is going to voicemail. How incredibly cool would it be to get a court date this very minute and make an announcement after mass to your entire family in person?! Answer the phone!" (This version of me knows for a fact she's disconnected from reality, but she doesn't care - she's quite confident she's the only reason I function.)

All this occurred in the split second it took to look at my phone - exclaim, "Oh, it's Inna." - and answer the call.

Apparently the judge has approved the documents she has received (Of course she asked for some updates. Sarah, being her amazing self, sent us a list of document updates she thought we might need to acquire before we travelled again and suggested we go ahead and acquire them. Thanks to her document genius, we already have them all done - and then some! KF Ekat families you are in great hands with her - not so much with the judge, of course - but Sarah is lovely.). Once the updates land in Ekat (next week sometime) our agency will be approved to begin collecting Nikolai's document requirements, which apparently take 2-3 weeks to compile.

I do not know what documents need to be compiled for or about him. Nor do I really care. My assumption (Read, I have not received this information from anyone outside my own logic, which clearly has not applied a single time through this process making it entirely illogical that I continue to apply it...) is that Olga was not allowed to compile documents with Nikolai's and our names on them until the judge determined that she would approve us to be his parents. Whether or not this is true, the thought makes my heart happy and darn it - heart happiness is hard to come by these days.

I can't say that I'm entirely uplifted by this news. But, remember, 'not bad' equals good in our world.

At the very least, we are one step closer to the best news of our lives.

cm

For those of you wondering - Abby's first communion was beautiful. She's beautiful! I cried.

Images of judgment

• We enter a side door; worn floor boards creaking under our feet.
• It’s a large, dimly lit room.
• Straight backed chairs in precise rows face a bulky, platformed desk.
• Behind the desk sits a 50-something woman with terse features, pale skin and dark hair pulled into a tight bun near the top of her head.
• She looks down at us through thick, dark rimmed glasses, scowling slightly, staring without interest; robed in a dingy, black cloak.
• Monotonously she asks questions, looking from the pages on her desk directly to the interpreter whom relays our carefully rehearsed responses.
• Occassionally she looks our way and scowls slightly, searching our body language for validation of the ruling she has already determined.
• We are asked to leave the room – wait in the hall.
• Following a nerve-wracking, thirty minute reprieve we are invited back in and told that Nikolai is legally our son and we can return in two weeks to bring him home.
• I cry.
• Nearly everyone smiles.
• Everyone but her.

-----

If you've been through court in Ekat - don't tell me where I'm wrong. I really want to experience first-hand the amusement inherent in realizing just how random my mental images are!

cm

Six months

It really is hard to get my head around the reality that we met Nicholas 6 months ago today. In fact, 6 months ago right now, we were in a traffic jam just outside Ekat on our way back to the Park Inn!

6 months.

It has simultaneously been the longest most agonizing / quickest most hopeful 6 months of my life.

Moment to moment...

...I can't believe it's only been 6 months.
...I can't believe it's already been 6 months.

Time warps.

cm

Evasive hope

Olga received our most recent batch of document updates yesterday. She delivered them (fully translated) to the judge today. Speedy!

According to Inna, Olga hopes that the judge will review the documents within a week and she hopes to have an update for us late next week. She is still telling us to hold off updating our dossier documents that expire June 11. This technically means that she expects us to have a court date 2 weeks prior - by May 28.

Interestingly, my emotional response to this news was nearly void. When I listened to Inna's voicemail, my self-talk said 'Oh, that's nice.' But, I fully expect to be updating our dossier next month.

I delivered additional document udpates to Sarah this afternoon. These were requested by KF because expiration dates are pending in April or May - hopefully if they are requested, we will be allowed to carry them with us when we travel. Sarah is our document guru! While I was there, she opened the filing cabinet to show me that our files are at least 3-4 times as thick as the non-Ekat families files. Ugh. P&B are in the 'M' drawer, too - between the two of us - there's not a lot of extra room in that drawer.

Adoption is not green.

B&K - Maybe our documents are keeping each other company on the judge's desk! Maybe a big stack will motivate her? I hope you guys get good news soon. I need an Ekat family to get good news soon.

cm

Robeez Heart & Sole Program

~Eight weeks ago we contacted the Robeez Heart & Sole Program requesting donations we can take with us to Nikolai's orphanage.

~Two weeks ago 25 pair of Robeez shoes ranging in size from 0-3 months to 18-24 months arrived on our door step (we paid only for shipping).

Very cool!


cm

Celebrating love

It’s been a dark week all said – not entirely adoption related – but nearly, entirely dark.

I wanted to write a clever retro ‘emotional weather forecast’ summing up the past week’s sun, rain storms, tsunamis and earthquakes (5.2+). But, I don’t feel clever. Interestingly, I don’t feel much beyond ominous, down, heavy hearted. I feel dark. I don’t even feel like talking about it (which, those of you closest to me well know is nothing short of extraordinary).

Matt and I rented and watched ‘Into the Wild’ last weekend. I was completely sucked into that movie and I have not been completely sucked into anything on the entertainment front for a very long time. There is absolutely nothing about Christopher McCandless’ story to which I relate on a personal level. It’s taken over a week for me to realize that while the reality of his experience evades relation, the emotional parable captured me through and through.

For those of you whom do not know the story – I think it’s worth a rent / read.

For those of you whom do know it – I am in the bus and I’ve eaten the wild potato plant (emotionally, of course).

Blessedly, last night Matt and I were guests at the first wedding we have attended since our own three and a half years ago. It was emotional to recollect our wedding weekend and the planning that preceded it. Those truly were some of the most blissful days of my life – full of joy, hope, promise. The commitments ‘until death do us part’ and ‘in sickness or in health’ are impossible to comprehend in the midst of joy. In fact, I might argue that they are impossible to comprehend – period.

I sat through this beautiful nuptial mass yesterday reminiscing the naivety behind my ‘plans’ in marriage and our commitment to children. How could I have possibly known that I was committing to children not born of my body? How could I have known that the first ‘sickness’ we would bump up against would be infertility and grief? I couldn’t have known. Nor would I have wanted to know. But, sitting there, at the back of the church, I was tearful for the loss of these particular hopes. And, truly, every tear I shed contains grief over the loss of my son’s earliest days. I wonder how I will ever recover from that.

In the end though, celebrating love was exactly what I needed to cap off my dark week with a reminder of lighter times. The presiding priest’s homily remanded that in the midst of marital dismay, we stay focused on the cross. It is the ultimate challenge – our only way out of suffering is through Christ’s.

His promise IS light – even when I’m dark. What a relief.

cm

Salt in the wound

Nicholas,

Six months ago today your Daddy and I boarded the plane to Russia that would ultimately lead us to you. Along the way, we have admittedly questioned the difficulties on our path to parenthood. But, from the beginning we have trusted God's plan for us and we know that you were meant to initiate us into the world of first-time parenthood. We are so unbelievably blessed to have crossed paths with you. And, we are thankful that you made us parents.

Today, you are 16 months old. The 19th of the month is such a bittersweet day. We wonder about you, your birth family, our future. And, we simultaneously feel gratitude that you exist and anguish that we cannot be with you.

Nicholas, it is easy to question God's plan when things are not going our way. It is easy to find bitterness in the midst of suffering and it is easy to curl up in our perception of the unfairness of emotional pain. But, ultimately, it is only now that we have the greatest access to Christ's human experience. These are the life 'moments' through which we have been called to move beyond the words of our faith and to live it in our suffering.

We miss you - with an agonizing and palapble desperation. It is hard to imagine surviving this much longer. But, for you, we'll survivie it as long as we are called to.

Happy birthday, little man.

We love you deeply.

Mama & Daddy

Teaching support

Why is support in the midst of suffering so difficult to come by?

Reality is - there are 100s of people loving us and praying us through this. AND, the vast marjority have made their presence known in gentle, appropriate ways.

For some reason though, there are outliers whom have an uncanny ability to set the emotional tone - and/or set me off.

I'm going to be very explicit here - describing verbatim 1. what I'm looking for and 2. what I hear and/or how I desire to respond when the mark is so severely missed (though sadly the individuals whom regularly botch this up are likely not reading along!).

What I want to hear:

Carla, what a nightmare! I/We hate this for you. Please know you're in my/our prayers. Is there anything I/we can do for you?

...or any combination thereof.

What I have been forced to endure (I have personally heard every one of these statements at least once):

Why aren't you hearing anything? (How could I possibly answer this question?)

How much longer will it be? (Do you really expect me to know that?)

Is this because Russians hate Americans? (No - but, it might be because you are ragingly ego- and ethnocentric.)

This judge must hate Americans. (Nope. I'm aware of Canadians, Europeans and Russians caught in the same web. Nice try! Neat little packages are lovely, if not misguided.)

Russian are just like that. They're stubborn, irrational people. (Umm, rude...my son is Russian. What are your people like? I bet they claim you as an outlier.)

She (the judge) is obviously just trying to protect the children. That's good, right? (Wow. Please read my post on PI parenting.)

I know of a family who waited almost 2 years. I hope you don't have to wait that long. (I am always grateful for the addition of hopelessness in the midst of my hopelessness. Bravo!)

You probably should have just adopted in the US. ('Just' and 'adopt' do not belong in the same sentence - internationally or domestically.)

Why didn't you just adopt in the US? (That is none of your business. Why did you have conception sex in the bathroom instead of the kitchen?)

I know you're going to get preganant after you adopt. (Getting pregnant is not our issue.)

Doesn't everyone get pregnant after they adopt? (Yes, actually. Adoption is the cure for infertility. Reproductive endocrinologists are greedy ignoramous' whom - to date - have successfully lobbied for the stifling of this well researched, well documented reality.)

Most people I know have gotten pregnant while they were adopting. ('Most people you know' whom have adopted in the midst of infertility probably equals one or two. I'm not impressed with your mathematical extrapolation skills.)

God must be wanting to teach you something. (Read: God is punishing you because you're hopelessly flawed in some fundamental way that a good, long, agonizing wait will remedy. Sigh. My God doesn't punish - He loves me. And, amazingly, He loves you, too.)

You have to trust God's timing. (I don't have to do anything. But, I choose to trust God's timing - not because of annoying religious platitudes like this one - but, because my faith extends far deeper than my suffering.)

This wait will be SO worth it in the end. (Worth what? My son potentially experiencing attachment difficulties? Developmental delays? NO - THIS WAIT IS SENSELESS AND WORTHLESS. My son on the other hand is worth every second of agony on the path to bringing him home. Get it right - or don't say it.)

Oh my gosh, I had to wait for 8 weeks between trips and I thought I was going to die. (How does this help me?)

You'll forget all about this when you get Nicholas home. (Unlikely. I will always know that I unnecessarily missed out on the first 18+ months of his life. Anyway, why would I chose to forget this? It's a very big part of his, my, our stories.)

I've heard that lots of kids are abused in Russian orphanages. (You reminding me of this potential reality is outright cruel. I hear that lots of pregnancies result in miscarriage and lots of live births result in SIDS. Do you want to hear that when your pregnant and/or powerless to do anything about it?)

I would never leave my kid in a Russian orphange. (Unbelievable! With this level of parental ignorance - they might be better off.)

What do you know about his real parents? (I know that they are 5500 miles away from him in Greenwood, Indiana nursing perpetually broken hearts about missing out on his earliest, most vulnerable days. I know that when I look at them in the mirror, they have aged 10 years in 3. I know that they are being lifted up in prayer by 100s of people daily. I know that one of them wants to punch you in the face for asking this question - guess which one!)

Why don't his parents want him? (We do! We really really do!)

Are you going to tell him he's adopted? (No. We're going to tell him that the camera was broken for a year and a half.)

This is like your version of pregnancy. (Don't try to tell an infertile that adoption is like pregnancy. It's not. Nor does it help.)

Pregnant mothers have to wait, too - that's not just reserved for adoption. (That's an ugly comparison on many levels. But beyond the obvious, when one is preganant - one has an end date. When one is adopting - EVERYTHING is open ended. I would LOVE an end date - something to plan for, look forward to, dread, whatever. A scheduled 'end' is a luxury we have yet to experience.)

Gosh, most of the people I know who adopted from Russia had only a few weeks between their trips. (Gosh! This information is intended to...?)

Why do you have to travel three times? (Because my son lives in Siberia and the Russian bureaucracy is different in every region. It definitely would have been easier to have sex three times to bring him into our world. We have no idea how God missed the map on this one, but believe me - it's on our list of questions for the after life!)

Doesn't this judge know how she's hurting the children? (Think about that question. If not, she's a moron. If so, she should be shot. Either way, it doesn't matter to me. I just want my son and, in the meantime, I don't want you reminding me that this delay is hurting him.)

She's probably just trying to get more money out of you. (Interestingly, Russia is losing money by delaying our court date. We pay nothing more until we get back there - they continue to pay for his care until we get back there. It's not about money.)

Have you spoken with the judge? Why is she doing this? (I laughed when I heard this one. Yes, I call her regularly - it's really helping with my Russian language development. She told me that she's doing this because...)

Can't you send someone some money to make this happen more quickly? (No, we can't. Do you really think that we would refuse to send money to get our son home? Unbelievable. We would cut off our limbs to get our son home. If there were a way to 'send some money to make this happen', money would have been sent long ago.)

I've heard that if you just wire some money over you'll be all set. (You heard that, huh? Wire it to whom? Could you get an address for us? We'd love to be 'all set'.)

So, you don't even know when your court date is? (How has my neurosis not communicated that clearly?)

When is your court date? (It's tomorrow. We're going to be late.)

How old is he now? (Too old. Way way way too old to be living in an institution.)

Aren't you bummed that you're missing out on so much. (Questioning the obvious is ridiculous and unhelpful. Answer#1: No, we're not bummed...we don't really care about him. Answer#2: No, we're not bummed...we're devastated and grief-stricken. Pick your favorite.)

At least he's not an infant and you won't have to lose sleep when he gets home. (I've heard this statement two times. Both times I felt violent rage. Both times, I showed amazing restraint. Good for me.)

You're lucky - maybe he'll be potty trained and have all his teeth so you can avoid the hard stuff. (Ugh. I feel sorry for your children.)

You've had a lot of time to rest up. Enjoy it! (Oh, yes. I definitely get my best rest when I am agonized. Brilliant.)

You should try to enjoy your last days of childlessness. Life will never be the same. (Thank God - I hope my life is NEVER the same becuase it is unbelievably awful right now. I believe this question could only come from a fertile or one whom has never adopted to start their family. My last days of childlessness are full of powerless, miserable suffering. How do you suggest I go about enjoying that? ...okay, okay - a little melodramatic! But, in my fantasy conversation, I really wanted to make my point forcefully!)

See what you have to look forward to (referring to their own children acting like children)? (That's condescending. You have no idea how forward I am looking to my child acting out behaviorally - in front of my eyes! Will I enjoy it? Unlikely. Does it make me want to leave my son in an orphanage longer? No. I exclusively look forward. Backward are the remains of a devastating trainwreck and current is...well, read my blog.)

Are you sure you really want to do this (parent children)? (No, actually. We're not sure. We thought it would be a good idea to break the emotional and financial banks working our ever-hopeful butts off to bring a child home whom we're not really sure we want to parent. This is not like an 'oops' conception, people! No accidents here.)

I'll give my kids to you for a few days - that will make you appreciate how quiet it is at your house! (You're comparing apples to oranges - but, you're absolutely correct. If your kids are as socially inept as you are, I will likely be quite thrilled by the silence following their departure.)

You just need a few hours with my kids and you'll feel differently about this wait! (I just need a few minutes with you in a dark alley...oh, are we talking about making me 'feel better' about this wait?)

I don't know how you do it. (I breathe in, I breathe out - the same way everyone survives suffering. Though I do understand that not everyone survives suffering.)

How are you doing this? (Broken answer: I really don't have a clue. Really. I don't. Actual answer: I'm not. I don't do this. God does this.)

I couldn't do it. (You don't know that.)

I wouldn't do it. (Well, shame on you. If your son was in a Siberian orphanage, you would not wait an eternity just for the opportunity to see him for one more minute?)

I would have gone to a different region / country. (Really? Where would you have gone to adopt perfectly and painlessly?)

No offense, but your experience makes me not want to adopt. (Gee, how could I possibly be offended by that? No offense, but your children make me not want you to have sex anymore.)

Wow, this was indescribably therapeutic! Restraint clearly has its pitfalls. I am angry today. I appreciate the opportunity to indulge my expression here.

cm

Presto Chango

I just responded to a kindly blog reader's email this morning and, to quote myself, wrote: "Matt and I are expecting bad news this week." Eerie, isn't it? It's almost like I'm a seer and our path to parenthood has unleashed a collective psychic ability that had been previously lying dormant!

Or, maybe, predicting bad news is just really good odds in our world right now. I'm going with the odds - I'd never claim predictive abilities.

And, I definitely didn't expect the downer to come on Monday - so goes my 'Dump Day' theory.

Inna called...

While I'd love to outline the entire dialogue between us, I don't remember all of it and I'm afraid I'd sound as pathetic in writing as I did on the phone.

The one thing I do understand as a result of this conversation with Inna is that I don't understand a darn thing deeply enough to describe it with any level of clarity.

I unclearly gather that:

1. More documents have been requested and will be mailed out on Wednesday (we do not have to forage for these documents ourselves, apparently they are coming directly from KF&FF).

2. Olga will receive them on Monday (yep, the ominous 4/21).

3. Apparently, it is not a government official's vacation that is messing with the schedule (in fairness - we did originally receive that information 3rd hand), it is the notary who will be on vacation - and no one can tell us how long s/he will be out of the office. What? Who really cares? Is there only one notary in Ekat? Give me a *bleeping* break!

4. Both Olga and Inna STILL believe (I'm not kidding - don't laugh - they still believe) that we will be traveling 'the early days of May' for our court date. I, on the other hand, am a doubting Thomas at this point and will need to place my hand directly on the wound before I put my faith in the Russian bureaucracy.

There you have it - the edited version according to Carla.

Matt and I, in all of our bad-news-predictive wisdom, determined that if our court date was not imminent, we would hop the next plane to Ekat and go hang out with our son. My want to be with Nicholas has turned into full fledged need and this weekend I enjoyed 'knowing' that good news was on the horizon this week one way or the other - a court date or travel dates or both.

So much for my seer status...

Inna has been through this with FF/Ekat multiple times and she is feeling hopeful that we are nearing the end of this process. Historically, according to Inna, just as the document request process gets ridiculous and enraging; just as the waiting parents get hopeless and cashed out emotionally; just as the techs are walking down the hall with the straight jacket and the thorazine (that was my addition! my fantasy?) - the court date is assigned.

And, in all truth, I do trust her instincts. Inna has not been hopeful or misleading about the timing of our next trip - not once. So, to hear her say that her instincts are communicating that we are rapidly nearing the end of the wait / the beginning of parenthood - sounds good.

Summary:
No news this week
Probably no news next week
Holding onto random shards of hope that we'll travel early May.
Not scheduling a trip to see N, because we're on the crazy-making 'any day now' status (any-day-now - except, of course, this week or next week or any week in the forseeable future - ugh).

cm

p.s. Matt wants to add that 'everything's fine.' Some of you will get a very big chuckle out of that!

Much more than misery

I've always enjoyed writing. In fact, I remember feeling giddy in the 2nd grade about the creation of my first 'published' book by folding a few pages of construction paper in half and binding them with staples. I both wrote and illustrated that fine piece of work (and, I believe, my mom still has it)!

My enjoyment of writing continued into my adolescent years and I even won some money for a fictional essay I wrote in high school about a little girl's grief over the loss of her beloved big brother following his drunk driving accident.

In college my dorm mates made a game out of timing me writing poems for them. In truth, it wasn't the speed of my writing that left me feeling satisfied, it was the emotional impact that reading it had on my audience. I felt accomplished when they felt sad about / connected to what I had written!

Grad school was right up my alley. 'True intellectuals' (sarcasm intended!) are critical theorists and, on the whole, are void of optimism in their scholarly writing! I certainly didn't write often for pleasure through that chapter of my life, but I did walk away from those six years with an entire book outlining the pitfalls of teacher education programs that do not deliberately prep teachers to address the social and emotional needs of their students. Quite a contribution (sarcasm intended again!).

I'm inspired in my 'dark' moments. I've never been a 'light' writer. Even my attempts at humor are sardonic and pointed.

Apparently my mom is fielding questions from some of you blog readers about the state of my coping and the depth of my misery! She enlightened me that my tendency to write through the darker nights of this process may be communicating that I am exclusively miserable - exclusively suffering.

That could not be further from my reality. Truly, I do have rough moments - grief stricken, powerless, on my knees moments. But, I can't even claim to have bad days on the whole (except when we are processing difficult news about our son - which, quite honestly, I don't even write about here). God reveals himself to us and, powerfully, I have been able to see him clearly on our path to parenthood. Grace.

No doubt I do experience the therapeutic value in writing. But my primary coping skills center around productivity and organization. Knowing that we would have a 'long' wait between trips (the original estimate was 3-4 months), I made a massive 'betwen trips' to-do list because I wasn't sure how I would handle the wait (and, because I'm generally compulsive and seeing things in writing makes me happy!). I am pleased to report that my massive to do list is accomplished - entirely - and then some.

I don't really understand the 'nesting' phenomenon. If my nesting / organization tendencies were predictive of pending motherhood, I would have been a mother LONG ago! But apparently, since meeting Nicholas, I have been nesting and preparing for his arrival for nearly 6 months. So, in an effort to ward off the impression that I am walking, talking misery, here's how I've been passing the time:

Between trips 1&2:
Meet with Dr. Belcher (IA pediatrician at St. Vincent)
Interview & select pediatrician
List emergency contact information on refrigerator
Make list of questions to ask care providers
Deep clean the house (refrigerators, garage, pantry, closets +)
Schedule window washing
Adjust budget to include added expenses
Take parenting classes
Prepare baby’s LifeBook
Final immunizations (December ‘07)
Thank you notes w/picture to all who helped with dossier paperwork
Acquire orphanage donations
Make hat/scarf sets for orphanage personnel x6
Fill out adoption travel journal (trip 1)
Write thank you notes to orphanage personnel in Cyrillic
Buy watches for O, V, Y, OPx6, 13 add’l, +8 extra & classroom decorations for L
Research employer insurance benefits / paperwork
Compile baby medicine kit / supplies
Finish wedding album / order copies
Get SS & citizenship application forms
Attend SSFC baptism class & select godparents
Make DVD of trip 1 (Christmas gifts for family)
Visit NJ & CA families
Make trips 2&3 packing lists
Learn some Romanov / Ekat / Russian history
Register for needs / showers
Take CPR / First aid for children
Long weekend at BC cabin (invite Stef)
Send Visa applications for trips 2&3
Join Yahoo groups for support
Plan sightseeing hopes for Ekaterinburg & Moscow
Finish nursery and playroom
Clean out / organize filing cabinet & desk
Childproof the house
Choose adoption announcements
Prepare freezer meals for arrival home
Spend time with friends or family (EOW)
Meet up with P&B (monthly)
Update Quickbooks
Call Jeffrey re: taxes
Stock charts and paperwork at offices
Prepare responses to court questions

On-going:
‘Date’ my husband
Daily journal to N
Read adoption / parenting books
Learn some functional Russian and sign language
Document updates PRN
Shop for baby stuff!
Pack for trip 2
Sleep in & nap as often as possible

Between trips 2&3:
Order pictures of N w/care providers (include with gifts)
Shop for last minute needs / clothes & shoes
Get carpets / rugs cleaned
Pack for trip 3
Schedule appts with St.V IAC, Pediatrician & First Steps
Document updates PRN

Have I missed anything? I am open to suggestions!

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Dump Day

I used to love Fridays! Even though I am quite job satisfied, there really is something enticing about celebrating the accomplishment of yet another week. But, mostly I love the happy reality that I get to hang out with my husband for 60 uninterrupated-by-work hours. Good times!

Recently, however, Friday has become 'Dump Day'. Distressing news on Friday means 60 uninterrupted-by-work hours of obsessive worry and difficult conversation with my husband. Adoption is difficult - don't let anyone tell you it isn't - and, for some reason, throughout this process it seems that our roughest news is delivered on Fridays...

Last Friday we received Nicholas' 15 month measurements and they broke our collective, powerless heart. While we continue to believe (hope? refuse to imagine otherwise?) that he is receiving as quality care as is possible in an institutional setting, Nicholas does not like it there - he is making that abundantly clear. Why that has not been made abundantly clear to the judge is beyond reason.

This morning at 11a, Sarah called to tell us that we needed to collect 2 more certified deeds to the house (yes, we've now purchased 6 deeds to our house - a document that will NEVER actually change) because the apostille does not look exactly as the judge requires it. Fine, whatever. Running down documents and meeting Sarah downtown for the exchange (this afternoon at 3p) is not a problem (primarily because my husband is a superhero!).

The potential issue we're facing is that an apparently-important official in Ekat is going on vacation on 4/21 (one week from Monday). In our extensive experience of adoption-related delays, we have learned that Russian vacations are long - sometimes a month long. Basically, if the judge does not review our documents and schedule a court date by Friday 4/18, then we will have another long wait on the horizon.

And, unfortunately, Friday is 'Dump Day'. She has given us no reason to trust that she has a heart and has consistently proven her unwillingness to expedite anything on behalf of our child (or any child for that sad, pathetic matter).

We need your prayers. No news next week is bad news indeed.

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Childlessness

I can’t help but wonder how different this wait would have been had we not been childless. It certainly isn’t my intention to minimize the pain of any waiting parents, childless or otherwise – one’s family divided by continents is awful, painful – period.

Knowing that Nicholas is 5500 miles away from me on any given moment is torturous. I don’t feel whole and haven’t for a long time. On the other hand, I’m not deluding myself with fantasies that getting him home will fill that void in an instant. We have a lot of work ahead of us and sitting here tonight with empty arms and an aching heart – that feels daunting.

But, I have to say; sitting in the echo of a childless house is more haunting than the distance. I dust toys that have gone unmoved for months. I rearrange little socks in the drawer that I don’t imagine will even fit him when he gets home. I sit in a rocker with a notebook and a pen – not with a child and his blanket. I stare at empty space in the pantry where we’ve made room for a small one’s culinary needs. I pack and repack and repack and repack because it makes me feel productive – like I’m doing something that may actually affect change in my inconsolable parenting status.

I imagine the pitter pat of small (human) feet in this house would have made this wait different for us – not easier per se, but more tangible – we would have visual access to the reason we’re walking down this road. Sometimes we truly wonder why we are working so hard to disrupt a really good thing. We have created a respectful, loving relationship and the introduction of children can be hard on a marriage. I imagine parenting a PI toddler post-infertility can be just that much harder!

But, what do I know? I’m childless.

I am worried about Nicholas right now. I have an ominous feeling tonight and I want to plunge my head into the sand and pretend that this is not my life – not my struggle – not my grief – not my child’s pain and suffering. I don’t like where my fears are going – where my doubt is taking me – and, sleep is evasive.

Sleep would be better.

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Student-Parents

I remember feeling the ‘student-teacher’ dichotomy so intensely during my senior year of college. Teaching (high school students and younger) wasn’t my calling and I knew this before my final semester. But, special education was my major and finishing undergrad was an early required rung on the ladder to becoming a psychologist; so student-teach I did. It certainly wasn’t the student component of this identity that made me uncomfortable; it was the teacher’s shoes that I felt entirely unqualified to fill. Subsequently, I wear teacher shoes in my professional identity every day of my life! Psychologists are, in large part, teachers – leaving me feeling so grateful for my 21-year-old, vertical-learning-curve-semester as a student teacher.

I am awed by the emotional parallels inherent in preparing to parent a post-institutionalized toddler (yes, I’m coming around to the reality that my ‘baby’ isn’t...he’s a big boy now – if only chronologically). Matt and I are student-parents. Individually, we have great role-modeling backing our unique parenting instincts. Additionally, we have 9+2-on-the-way nieces and nephews (prolific bunch of sibs we have!) whom we adore. Life experience has left neither of us wanting for parenting skills applicable to home-grown children. But it has certainly left us wanting for parenting knowledge applicable to the post-institutionalized (PI) child.

If we had conceived, we would have prepared logistically for the addition of a little one into our world – taking educational trips to the hospital, anticipating ‘what to expects’, registering for bouncy seats & nipple-chafing cream, learning about labor & healing, mastering swaddling techniques, and exploring the wear-with-alls of breast feeding. Adoption, however, has inspired the need to also prepare theoretically (though I do maintain that theoretical preparation is a good idea for every parent - first time or otherwise). Nicholas has needs that defy ‘instinct’. And, we will parent him in a way that may defy conventional parenting wisdom. To each their own – right? Not necessarily...

PI children enter their families with developmental delays averaging one month per every three months institutionalized (this is an average – some kiddos are significantly closer to par developmentally, some struggle profoundly). The social, emotional, cognitive and physical needs presented by PI kids can challenge parents considerably outside their comfort zones and when these issues / needs are not adequately addressed, these kiddos can struggle severely. This isn’t something that we should be winging. It’s something that requires deliberate preparation. So, we prepare...

A couple weeks ago, we attended a PI parenting class offered by Clarian Hospital’s ‘Childbirth Education Program’ (truly, the reference to childbirth in the title of this hospital-based educational program was the only unfortunate component of the experience). Fittingly, the instructor is a parent of a PI child herself. If you are local to the Indy area, I strongly recommend attending this class.

I thought I’d share some of our ‘take away’ here. It’s long and it’s a lot of information. I certainly don’t expect anyone to read it, but I do encourage our families and closest supporters to review it. Acquiring this information may help you understand why we are doing what we’re doing and why we aren’t doing what you may think we should be doing.

Please note: Parents of home grown children – we are interested in learning from you! We are first time parents and we certainly have much to learn about this new gig. In fairness, however, some of your advice and experience will simply not apply to our particular family situation. We are open to advice and will solicit it when we desire it. Though we sincerely hope you will not be offended if we choose not to follow it.

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Summary notes:

The first three years of life are the most critical brain development years. Certain areas of the brain are quite negatively affected by elevated levels of cortisol, the hormone excreted in times of stress. Given that babies are certainly stressed and emotionally taxed living in an institutional setting, PI children are higher risk for the long-lasting (often permanent), damaging effects (relational, cognitive, academic, etc) of elevated cortisol levels during the first three years of life. This little fact in and of itself is reason enough to severely limit Nicholas’ exposure to stress and overstimulation the first 12-18 months he is home. He will have a lifetime to develop relationships with family and friends. He only has a year and a half to target the most critical cognitive development years of his life! This priority feels very clear to us and will likely drive many of the boundaries that we set.

Many PI kids look ‘attached’ to their new parents immediately. In the world of PI attachment, this is considered a fear-based, ‘trauma bond’. Kids don’t attach immediately – for that matter, neither do adults. Attachment is a process; something that we learn is safe to do with certain individuals. (In fact, for those of you familiar with / interested in John Bowlby, he delineates four phases of attachment during infancy: pre-attachment, attachment-in-making, clear-cut attachment and formations of reciprocal relationships. Nicholas demonstrated reciprocity skills with his care providers – communicating that he is receiving good care relative to his environment.) It certainly seems logical; however, that Nicholas may be severely traumatized by the acts of his removal from the orphanage, the long voyage home and his introduction to new people and a new environment. The expectation that he may form a trauma bond based in his fears and confusion (to me primarily because I will be with him through the trauma and will be his primary parent 5/7 days a week) seems logical, too. Sometimes logic is heartbreaking, isn’t it? This is another clear rationale driving our willingness to heed the recommendation that we hunker down as a family for a while and start exposing Nicholas to his ‘other people’ and ‘the world’ slowly and systematically.

Potential early challenges upon arriving home:

• Initial cooperation may be a trauma bond / fear based, acute and/or post-traumatic stress symptoms;
• He may be clingy and inconsolable;
• He may be indiscriminate in his affection for adults (‘parent shopping’ is confusing and painful for children – we will limit Nicholas’ access to this confusion);
• Eye contact can be difficult for PI kids (Though we did not see this in the orphanage – he was 10 months old and in a familiar environment. Upon arriving home, he will likely be nearing the 18 month mark and will be entirely displaced from everything familiar = frightening. So, we are attempting to maintain realistic expectations of him in this regard. We will not be bringing home the exact same baby we met months ago – he will have changed considerably);
• He may engage in self-soothing behaviors (this is often referred to as ‘institutionalized autism’ and can look very similar to the self-soothing / self-stimulating behaviors in which children on the autism spectrum engage. I read a study that indicated a statistically significant decrease in these behaviors was identified among PI children adopted as babies from Romania and Russia only after they had been home with their families for 5+ years as compared to those whom had been home less than 5 years. 5 YEARS! 5 years after he arrives home, Nicholas will be 6½. Of course we will be working with him along the way - we hope that you will be patient with him.);
• Hoarding food and/or poor self-regulation abilities are common among PI kids (He’s never had the opportunity to regulate his own intake. He doesn’t eat until he’s satisfied – he eats until they quit feeding him. And, as many of you have witnessed via video – he has mastered the art of speed eating. It will be interesting to see what kinds of feeding and/or sensory struggles Nicholas processes upon arriving home.)

Each of these challenges has its own set of suggestions from ‘them’ (you know, ‘they’ say…). Being me (and my husband!), we are taking a look at a cross-sampling of ‘their’ suggestions and identifying approaches that fit both our parenting style and philosophy and our specific life circumstances and resources (I included a reference list at the end of this post). PI parenting is NOT the same for everyone. Matt and I have worked to create a general outline and we feel deeply indebted to all ‘those whom have gone before us’ and have graciously shared their suggestions and advice born of their successes and failures.

Children whose lives begin in an institutional setting miss out on their babyhood. While we feel Nicholas is getting as quality care as is possible in his current environment, the truth is – he has missed out on being a baby. Institutionalized kids learn to cope with environmental stressors, often calling upon skills well beyond their developmental capacity. In these circumstances, they grow up. What is the alternative? They learn to take care of themselves through various behaviors that often look very unhealthy to the outside observer (adoptive parents included). They stimulate themselves in creative ways in effort to attend to basic developmental needs that are not getting the attention they deserve. They learn that typical developmental communication methods (crying, smiling, eye contact, etc) are not necessarily effective. Nicholas is not the only one who has missed out on his babyhood. We have, too. Matt and I intend to be very deliberate about Nicholas’ healing process in this regard and will, for lack of a better word, ‘regress’ him in a variety of ways. We will ‘baby’ him in effort to teach him that turning to us when he struggles is both safe and appropriate (a clear example of a counter-conventional parenting approach to a toddler).

Suggestions upon arriving home:

• Schedule appointments with pediatrician, IA medical specialist and First Steps as soon as possible
• Limit affection and proximity to immediate family members (ie: Mama & Daddy & Max!)
• Stay home and physically accessible for the first 12 months home (don’t leave him over night if possible)
• Be present when he goes to sleep and when he wakes up (last people he sees before sleep and the first people he sees when he wakes up) to facilitate his awareness of our consistency. We will put him to bed and down for naps ourselves – even when we have our parents at the house.
• Use familiar language and/or sign to communicate (I’ve learned some Russian, we’ve both learned some sign)
• Create a consistent schedule to facilitate stress management (on both the baby’s and the parents’ parts!)
• Understand the cycle of attachment and the ebb/flow of transition time (6 month cycles of upward trends and drop offs…this is cyclical ‘for a while’)
• Feed him (from a bottle if he’ll take it) in a cradling position (if he’ll tolerate it) – this fosters intimacy, vulnerability and attachment; but, don’t force him.
• Focus on modeling self-regulation and self-care (deep breathing, soothing music, taking a walk, talking it through, praying!)
• Give age appropriate advanced organizers often – for transitions and to help with emotional regulation
• Ask supporters to follow your lead (Though we are clear that we want to be his exclusive caretakers upon his arrival home, we realize that we will need breaks from him…we’ll let you know! And, we hope you won’t be critical either way.)

Some suggestions for facilitating the transition home:

• Allow for the expression of grief (all three of us!)
• Connect with adoption community / join support groups
• Learn from all types of families
• Continue learning about adoption
• Pull resources from agency
• Take care of self / health
• Journal
• Seek professional help
• Use respite care when needed
• Prioritize your life / look for balance / feed your spirit
• Empathize with child
• Depersonalize child’s reaction / behavior
• Set aside chronological age expectations (factor in PI delays)
• Form the Life Narrative / Life Book
• Honor the birth family / foster forgiveness
• 'Reality parent' according to child’s individual needs
• PLAY
• Understand you may be criticized by others for parenting choices (This one is tough for me. Criticism is unfortunate - always - but, especially when it’s uninformed - and it typically inspires pointless rationalizing on my part in effort to ‘defend honor’ - mine or others’. I guess I’ll have to let it go.)
• Set appropriate boundaries that protect you and your immediate family (This one, however, is not so difficult!)
• Communicate needs to friends and loved ones (Again, doable!)

If you have made it this far – Wow! Thank you for taking the time to support us this deeply. We hope you’ll give us the opportunity to reciprocate someday.

These notes were compiled from the PI Parenting seminar we attended and the following resources:

Adopting a Toddler: What Size Shoes Does She Wear? (Denise Harris Hoppenhauer)
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents (Deborah Gray)
Attachment Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections (Jean MacLeod & Sheena Macrae)
Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children (Daniel Hughes)
Parenting from the Inside Out (Daniel Siegel & Mary Hartzel)
The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are (Daniel Siegel)
The Handbook of International Adoption Medicine: A Guide for Physicians, Parents, and Providers (Laurie Miller)
The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforseen Challenges of Adoption (Karen Foli)
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft (Mary Hopkins-Best)

Tagged - again

1. Link to the person who tagged you: Dana
2. Post the rules: posted
3. Share six unimportant habits/quirks about yourself: see below
4. Tag three other people: see below
5. Make sure the people you tagged know you've tagged them.

Quirks:

1. I change into my sweats as soon as I am 'done for the day' whether that be 7am or 10pm! I love sweats and would wear them to work if I could pull it off with professionalism.

2. I think it's cool that both the American and Russian flags are red, white and blue.

3. I must be doing something (anything) else while watching TV. Multitasking makes me feel less guilty about this lazy pleasure.

4. I plan - everything. I even plan for my plans being disrupted.

5. Everynight before getting in bed, I give Max a kiss on his sweet puppy nose right between his eyes and inhale. He smells so good when he's sleepy!

6. It's not easy to do, but my favorite daily accomplishment is to make my husband laugh out loud. He's the dry-sense-of-humor type, so an outloud laugh from Matt means I'm pretty darn funny!

Tagged: Monica, Debbie, Jill