More

She wants more documents. It will take a week to acquire them. Our mailing will not go out before next Thursday.

Then...she'll want more, and more, and more. I think she's evil.

Poor Sarah. She's the document Queen at KF and I know for a fact she has been run ragged for us. Keep her in your prayers, too. I imagine she's pretty frustrated.

And, April is not looking good.

cm

I guess I have a lot to say

I wrote this (in 'the other blog') on July 25, 2007...

Our baby is in Russia.

I wish I were able to eloquently express how deeply this affects me almost every moment of every day. We knew that we would not bring home an infant when we signed on for this. But, we didn’t have an understanding of how tormenting this would feel - to be missing out on the right now of his life.

How old is he? When was he born? Does he have siblings? Is he smiling? Does he hold his own bottle? Has he been healthy? What is his favorite food? Is he comforted when he cries at night? Does he feel loneliness? Does he have hair? What color is it? Can he roll over? Sit up? What is his receptive language like? How much does he understand? Does he know his caretaker? Does he love her? Is he able to attach? What comforts him when he feels sick? Does he have a favorite blankey? Stuffed animal? Comfort object? What makes him laugh? Does he interact with the other babies / kids? Does he like music? Does he get to listen to it? Does he clap his hands?

I don’t yet know my own child.

And, He doesn’t know me. Will I scare him? Will I smell funny to him? Will he feel comforted by me? Will I break his little heart taking him away from the only home he’s known? Will this scar him? How will he experience/express that as he grows older?

I want my baby. I don’t want to miss out on all these days, months, years.

I feel so far away – from him, from meeting him, from bringing him home.

I am wishing it away. How can one ‘enjoy the last months of childlessness’ when one is no longer truly childless?

This is so powerless.

cm

That was powerless. This is powerless. The whole process is insane - crazy making. Re-reading that post was painful. I still can't answer the majority of those questions. Still. Grief.

Last night ~10p devastation hit. My big tsunami of grief that I was so confident was being held at bay crashed down and I cried myself to sleep. Today - I just feel emotionally hung over - and stunned. I simply cannot wrap my brain around our reality. I don't want 'this' to be our reality anymore. Enough.

I regularly read/hear that I will forget all about this long-suffered wait when we finally get Nicholas home. I certainly trust that it will no longer evade my radar on a daily basis. But, I don't believe I am capable of forgetting every single blow the last three years of our lives have dealt us.

I want to have a tantrum about fairness. Sigh.

Instead, I'm going to list the documents we've completed over the course of the past nine months (not including the fact that we have done many of these 3, 4, 5 and 6 times) - in effort to create an identity (and fill a desperate need) that most couples have sex to accomplish.

My version of a tantrum?

Our current list of updates is complete. They will be apostilled tomorrow and mailed out on Friday.

cm

Family Profile
General Information Form
Application for Registration
Supplement Form #3
Russian Application Form
Power of Attorney
USCIS Application (US Customs & Immigration Services)
Verification of Residence
Letter from Primary Physician
Copy of Physician’s License
Copies of our Passports
Commitment to Provide Post-Placement Visit Reports
Commitment to Register the Child at the Consular Service of the Russian Federation
Child Placement Services Agreement
CPA documentation of our assets
State and County Police Checks
Certified Copies of our Marriage License & Birth Certificates
Fingerprinting for our FBI Clearance
Bureau of Motor Vehicles Records
3+ page Autobiography (written individually by both of us)
5 References commenting on our potential-parent quality (3=non-family)
Copies of our 1040 tax returns for the previous 3 years
Documentation that our insurance will cover a child who is adopted
Copies of our Will delineating a guardianship plan in the event of our untimely death
Bill from IN American Water proving that we are not on well water
8 board-certified medical specialists to vouch for our health:
Internal medicine
Infectious Disease
Dermatology
Pulmonology
Neurology
Oncology
Psychiatry
Narcology
+ the bonus 9th for the ladies...OB/Repro Endocrinology
Copies of each physician's license attached to a notarized letter
Employment letters
Detailed description of assets/net worth
Verification from our mortgage company about tax payments
Home ownership affidavit from mortgage company
Letter from our county/township assessor
Verification of residence letter from our bank
Letter from our bank showing the current status of our accounts
Certified deed to our house
Four photos of our child's (completely furnished) room!
License of the homestudy agency
Good standing letter from the agency that issues the homestudy license
Good standing letter from agency that issues social worker's license
Ekat Post placement agreement
Good standing letter from agency that issues license for each Dr.
Good standing letter from agency that issues license for Psych.
Copy of Accountants License - license and certificate must be apostilled together
Good standing letter from agency that issues CPA license

Not yet, but 'not bad'

Inna called late tonight (apparently she had a rough day start to finish!).

Olga communicated with Inna via e-mail that the Judge has reviewed our documents and has requested some updates and corrections. In the grand scheme of things, the list she has provided is relatively tame (compared to the rediculous run around she is notorious for igniting). According to Inna, it is 'not bad' and if we can get our updates in expeditiously, Olga is leaning toward the possibility that we will have a late-April court date.

'Expeditiously' will be interesting. I'm working all day tomorrow and all day Wednesday. My mom and I are leaving first thing Thursday morning and won't return until late Monday night.

Matt is on document duty! I'm guessing he'd prefer to be on Daddy duty, but we'll take what we can get. Movement helps the mental health.

It's movement.

Not bad. Not good.

Not yet.

cm

5 months ago today...

...we met our 10-month-old son in a Russian orphanage director's office.

Sweet baby Nicholas!

My imagination runs wild when I think of how much he must be changing. June is right around the corner. Remember when I promised myself I would go for a visit in June if we had not been invited back? I am holding onto that promise.

Five months is really feeling excessive, especially given the reality that we will still have at least a month and a half before we will bring him home from the time we are assigned a court date (time frame estimate: after 'the call' from Inna we'll have >2 weeks until we travel for trip#2 + 1 week in Russia + 2 weeks until we travel for trip#3 + 1 week in Russia before we trek home = a minimum of 6 weeks from the date of 'the call').

We're not facing a bright shining light at the end of this tunnel just yet.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

Today we celebrated a Russian-esq Easter with my parents, so I thought I'd share some pictures of the cuisine:

Salad Olivier

Deviled Eggs

Beet Salad

Green Tomato Salad

& Glazed ham with hot horseradish gravy

Kulich & Pashka
Meringue cookies

& pretty flowers from Mom

We had a very nice day together - enjoyably quiet. I think we're going to make this little gathering and menu a tradition (D&K you are always welcome to join us!).

Next year, however, we will be praising God for the added chaos in our Easter celebration!

cm

One year ago today...

...we met Inna for the very first time. Truly it was a life-changing introduction (we'll be forever grateful to you RD!).

In the spirit of full-blogger-disclosure, I feel the need to offer some readership direction to the new-ish blog readers - among whom there seems to be emerging an inexperienced restlessness! A few of you have e-mailed me letting me know that everytime you open an e-mail notification that I've updated here, you assume I'm posting with good news.

Those whom have been reading along the broken road of our path to parenthood for a while, however, seem to be taking the opposite approach - assuming no news or bad news until proven otherwise.

Unfortunately, Matt and I have not yet mastered the art of proving your unfortunate assumptions otherwise; thus rendering this adverse approach reasonable.

One of these days, we are going to 'prove otherwise'.

What a glorious day that will be!

cm

Oops...

I've been tinkering around on blogger today - learning all kinds of neat things and decided that I would give Nicholas' blog a facelift. In the process, I inadvertantly deleted darn near everything on my sidebar! Fortunately, I have most of it listed elsewhere, so I'll be updating that as time permits.

Minor crisis...mostly averted!

I am sorry to report that I lost the nifty little reader location map. But, I think my mom might have been the only one looking at that anyway! Sorry Mom.

I do like the new look!

Ah, childless timelessness...

cm

C днём рождения! S dniom razhdenia!

Happy 15-month birthday, Nicholas.

We're really hoping we are not separated from you for too many more 19th's of the month.

We love you very much, Kolya.

Missing you,

Mama & Daddy

The mercy call

Inna left me a voicemail at 8:30a to let me know that there would be no updates today. Apparently Olga is out of town until tomorrow (which, as I previously noted is today in Ekat). She suggested that we will receive news by the end of the week.

It was merciful of her to call me early - rather than leaving us perched in anxiety for the remainder of the day.

Disappointing - but, not bad news. The grief tsumani has effectively been postponed.

Good times.

cm

You raise me up

I've never been in labor (not for want of desire). But, I don't know that anxiety and anticipation. I may never know it.

I've also never before waited for a Russian judge to determine whether we will be bringing our son home from a Siberain orphanage sooner, or later. I am learning this anxiety. And, I can't imagine I would ever choose to trade this in for the anticipation of labor. ...six -v- half dozen, I imagine.

I'll take it. Believe me. I'll take the anxiety over the disappointment I fear we will be fielding as a result of decisions made this week. One starts to wonder at what point disappointment and grief become no longer tolerable. And, as a result, one would necessarily wonder what 'no longer tolerable' would actually mean to / for them.

That's me. I'm one. This day has been the single most difficult day of our journey...and, in my assessment, that's feeling pretty profound. It seems my psyche is determined to prevent the pain of disappointment by predicting it and processing it prematurely. Clearly I know that breaking the emotional ice before the fall doesn't lessen agony. Funny that my psyche doesn't seem to care.

The problem is, there is only one outcome that will facilitate a true avoidance of our grief tsunami tomorrow - a court date. Anything else will tap the well. And, I'm dreading it. I'm really dreading it.

I'm not strong. I'm just not. I have been blown away by the compliments of 'graceful' I have recieved the past 5+ months. Graceful is simply not an adjective typically used to describe me! I am, however, a survivior. Somehow, I consistently find myself on the other side of tough life experience. This I can only attribute to The Grace over which I have no control - God's.

I just want my baby.
I want to go to him.
I want to hold him close, to watch him sleep.
I want to bring him home.
I want him with me, initiating my long-awaited identity as 'mother'.
I want to end this journey - beginning the next.
And, I want these things immediately.

Immediately.

I do remember when I last felt similar desperation. It's painful to be feeling it now - recalling it and combining it with this current fear. I am not hopeful. I do not trust this process. And, I've settled into my fears for tonight. I don't really know what else to do. Beyond this surface, I know our hope can only lie in God's grace. I do trust that he is walking us through today, tomorrow, and the next. I'm comforted in the fact that he's cradling all three of us in the palm of his hand until he sees fit to reunite us as a family. As deeply I want this reunion; I more deeply want God's will for my life. I trust him with everything - especially my brokenness. 'One' is broken!

Breathing in and out - waiting in prayer.

What else can be done?

cm

I've asked Inna to hold off calling us until the end of my work day tomorrow (7p EST). So, those four of you expecting a call (M&D and D&K) - we'll touch base after we hear from her tomorrow night. And, of course I'll be here - with the good, the bad or the ugly.

'Our cabin'

Well, in keeping with the Morgan luck...

(Ha! Said reference is rapidly becoming one of my favorite ways to start a conversation!)

...Matt and I rent a cabin in Brown County every Labor day weekend to celebrate our anniversary - a tradition that started shortly after we married and has continued the past 3 years (any math whizzes out there?!). When we got the 'big delay' news in December, I told Matt that consolation could only be found in BC! So, we booked a long weekend at our favorite place - 'our cabin' - if only in nomenclature. I was heading down there with my longest, dearest friend, Stef (we are 6 months shy of 20 years shared history!) on Thursday night. Friday, she was set to depart and Matt was scheduled to arrive for the remainder of the weekend.

Thursday afternoon, I received a call regarding a water main break in 'our cabin' with a request to shift gears and crash at a different cabin available the same three nights. So, it goes...

'Our new cabin' (!) has a hot tub, a gas fireplace (rather than a smokey wood burning), an open yard (while still surrounded by woods, set in The-Middle-of-Nowhere Indiana - our favorite location), hiking trails, a fishing stream, a large bedroom (with a significantly more comfortable mattress), kitchen, living room/great room, and a bathroom with a tub (not just a shower) all on one level (as opposed to the loft in 'our old cabin').

Blissful bad luck! We LOVED this place and, being the rigid creatures of habit that we are, would never have located this little paradise without a rushing water leak in 'our old cabin's' crawl space.

We have already changed our Labor Day reservation and we spent the entire weekend fantasizing about being there with little Nicholas.

It's not just a fantasy!

cm

Stef - THANK YOU! ...for coming, for your friendship, for your prayers, for your patience and support, for the pedicure, for everything unspoken, trusted and shared between us. You are truly a Godsend, dear friend.

Nicholas' 1234

Today, Nicholas is 1 year, 2 months, 3 weeks and 4 days old.

That only happens once in a lifetime!

Too bad we had to miss it.

cm

At the mercy of judgment

It is a vulnerable feeling imagining the judge sitting at her big, judge desk; wearing her dorky, judge glasses; cloaked in her drab, judge robe; feeling her unpredictable, judge mood; and judging our tenderly prepared documents. Powerless. She has reputation for being a moody stickler (and/or a long sting of profanity which wouldn't really be appropriate to relay on the blog). It's incomprehensible that her mood (of all things!) is ultimately going to impact our lives so dramatically and determine the timing of our reunion with Nicholas. Happy life....Soft heart...Happy life...Soft heart...Happy life...Soft heart...

I'm feeling obsessive about our dossier. Did we dot our i's and cross our t's? Were we careful enough? What if we missed or botched something major? That could extend our wait for months.

I can't even welcome you to my brain because you're reading but a smidgen of the activity that curses my sleepless nights right now.

Sweet Nicholas is playing in the baby room as I type - preparing for dinner and a couple more hours of play time before bed. (It appears Ekat did not spring forward...).

cm

Hi B McG! We had fun with P&B on Saturday!

Today is tomorrow

It's already 3/11 in Ekat. So, TODAY is the day the judge will (allegedly) begin reviewing our dossier.

We should know something within the week.

Anticipation.

cm

The Morgan luck

It's raining . . .
Our garage door broke last week.

It's pouring . . .
Our washing machine broke today.

The old judge is snoring . . .
Our documents are in court, but the judge will not be reviewing them until 3/11. It will take her a week. Inna says we will know something two weeks from tomorrow and she's hopeful (based on what reality, I do not know) that we'll get a court date shortly thereafter ~ early April.

That means six months between meeting him and bringing him home.

Six months is a really long time.

cm

Prayer Request

One of my assumptions was correct - our documents are being presented to the judge next week (though I don’t know exactly when). Apparently, if the judge is in a ‘good mood’ we could have a court date as soon as two weeks later. If she is in a ‘bad mood’ then - who knows?

Please pray (pathetic though it feels to even have to request this) that our judge is in a good place next week. We want her to have a happy life - so she doesn’t feel the need to mess with others’.

I am hopeful - but, not optimistic. Which, interestingly, is leaving me somewhat lacking in feeling - as if one is entirely cancelling the other out.

Conflicted.

cm