До Свидания 2007, Дабро Пожаловать 2008

Good bye 2007, Welcome 2008

We are ringing in the new year with two very clear promises - We are not through with our family planning struggle (when will we ever be, really?) and we have tangible hope that we will not be childless by this time next year.

Hope is slippy and sliddy though. It's not always easy (or advisable) to latch onto it - but, we have; we are; we will.

Some updates on our thoughts / plans:

We spoke with Inna ~10 days ago and learned that all adoptions in Ekat are halted. This is both a blessing and a terrible curse. Selfishly, it means that the liklihood of losing Nicholas to Russian adoptive parents has not increased with the wait - a blessing for us - no doubt about it. The obvious downside is that no Ekat babies will be joining their families (internationally or domestically) for a very long time. I find this heartbreaking - for all parties involved.

The first half of 2008 does feel a little barren emotionally. So, I am 'filling' it - 'living' it - creating some things to look forward to (which believe me, pale almost to the point of translucence in the face of what I so so desperately want 2008 to bring us).

Matt and I will spend a week with the California family sometime in late February.

I'm going to spend a weekend at the BC cabin with my longest, closest friend.

My mom and I are spending a long-weekend with my New Jersey aunt (whom I feel I haven't seen in a very long time) sometime this spring.

We have been advised not to visit Nikolai in the flesh before we get our court date (for political, financial, and emotional reasons about which we will maintain our privacy). If this drags out longer than next summer, we're going anyway. My psyche can't process a wait longer than 9 months right now - so, I'm not going to require it. I plan to see my son next June. My psyche is tolerating that.

We're working on other things, too - spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual health. It's easy to let these things back burner in the midst of painful waiting.

Everything I do and desire to do, however, seems to center around Nicholas.

I want to learn more Russian and some sign language to facilitate his expressive communication when he gets home (18 months is such a frustrating communication age without the language barrier and his receptive language in English will be zilch). But it's hard to learn it right now knowing I have such a long road to walk before I get to try it out with him.

I want to read parenting books (not just adoption / attachment books) specifically pertaining to toddlers, but so much of it feels fluffy and seems to remind me of everything I am and may continue to miss out on with him.

I want to create a self-study of Russian culture and I get stuck planning it for myself when my brain wanders to 'what would I want to know about my culture had I been an international adoptee?'.

I've even considered taking piano lessons (always wanted to learn - never made the commitment), but I'd probably have to start off with kid songs and I don't want to be innundated with kid music - without my kiddo.

Nicholas is everywhere.

He's in the nursery that we were required to finish for him before we were allowed to travel to meet him.

He's in every thoughtful giraffe that we are gifted with love.

He's in the playroom that is starting to fill itself with toys from those who love him and are anxious to meet him. Which ones will be his favorites?

He's in the pictures that pepper our walls and refrigerator and photo albums. He's in the video that I haven't been able to bring myself to watch since his birthday party.

He's in the grocery store when I shop and in the experience when I cook. What will be his favorite foods?

He's in almost every conversation I have with friends and family who ask me if we know anything new. Nothing new. Or how am I doing? I'm hanging in there.

He's in every prayer that I offer up. He's in hundreds of intercessory prayers offered up on a daily basis.

He's at mass when we are. What will it feel like to take him to church the first time? Will he feel overstimulated? How or will he choose to participate as he grows up?

He's in my interactions with Max the dog, wondering how they will be together.

He's in the dog hair on the floor while I'm vacuuming the carpet and wondering if his little fingers will someday be exploring that particular corner of the house.

He's in every toddler I see out in the world when my mind immediately races to 'How old is that child?' 'Will I miss out on that day with Nicholas?'

He's in all of our interactions with our neices and nephews, brothers and sisters, parents and grandparents. Each of them will have their own unique relationship with him. Each of them already loves him in their own unique way.

He's in my dreams at night (though not often enough).

He is burned into my brain like a beautiful, terrifying addiction that I am so afraid isn't good for me and will have to be replaced - his little smile, his adorable giggle, his butt waggle when he crawls, his intrigue with his Daddy, his sleepy cuddlyness, his soft sweet smelling skin, his strikingly beautiful grey eyes, his two teeth...

Nicholas is everywhere, which brings me simultaneous joy and pain.

I am desperately hopeful that 2008 does not require us to grieve him. That would be a cruel, cruel year indeed.

It's not easy to live 'life as usual' when corraling fear about losing one's child. I'm not sure it's even possible. Life just isn't (and, until he comes home, won't be) 'usual'.

We're praying for a miracle in 2008.

cm

Christmas gratitude

Christmas is a celebration of the most amazing adoption of them all.

This year we have received MANY gifts...all heartfelt, loving and uniquely generous.

None of which, of course, compare to two of our most precious gifts from the Lord:

His son - and ours.

cm

A Home for the Holidays - Tonight on CBS

9th Annual A Home for the Holidays Special
Celebrates Joys of Adoption

Friday, December 21 on CBS
8:00 PM EST/PST
7:00 PM CST/MST

This one-hour network television special features a mix of celebrity performances and stories from extraordinary families brought together by foster care adoption. It sends to millions of viewers a positive and inspiring message about America’s waiting children and adoption. Performers this year include Sheryl Crow, James Blunt, Carole King, Reba McEntire and Karmina with presentations by George Lopez, René Russo and David Krumholtz.

(It's worth a watch just to hear James Blunt sing - I'm a fan...Matt's not! cm)

12.19.06

Nicholas,

We don’t always get to know or understand God’s plans for our lives. Sometimes the path is terribly painful - other times, it’s full of overwhelming joy. Our path to you has found us on both ends of that spectrum. But, we know that God has been with us, directing us - every step of the way. He is with you, too - always, everywhere. And, we would walk the exact same path one thousand times - just to get to you again.

One year ago today, your Russian mother gave birth to you. She gave you life, Nicholas - for which we are profoundly grateful. No doubt this was a day full of joy and pain for her as well. We will tell you all we know about your Russian family as you grow up. We know that you have been deeply loved from the moment you were created - and, you have been protected by God on your amazing, challenging, and brief life journey. We carry profound love and gratitude for your Russian family and, should we become your forever Mama and Daddy (our deepest desire), we look forward to communicating that to you as you develop your unique identity throughout your childhood.

We have never loved as we love you. No matter your future - with or without us, we have been immensely blessed by the crossing of our paths. We were meant to know you. We’re better people because we do. We are praying fervently that our reunion is pending, sooner than later - but, in God’s timing and in accordance with his perfect plan for all three of our lives.

Today - we’re praying for you; we’re praying for your Russian mother and father; and we’re praying for ourselves and our families - for hope, healing, peace.

Happy Birthday, little man. We love you.

Mama & Daddy

For the love of Nicholas

The day after grievous news is always a little precarious emotionally, but the onslaught of support we have received has made this day not only tolerable, but blessed.

We received prayers, gifts, scripture references, e-mails, voicemails, comments, and suggestions - all heartfelt and tender.

…all for the love of Nicholas.

It is an incredible gift to be enfolded in compassion in the midst of struggle.

Thank you.

Some of you empathized painfully.
Many of you were sympathetically devastated.
Some of you were at a loss for words.
A couple of you even expressed your anger on our behalf.
One of you gave me the gift of a massage! Much appreciated!
Two of you sent scripture references.
Some of you suggested Matt and I engage in volunteerism - one of you specifically thought we should attempt to interact with 18-month-olds.
A few of you think a trip/vacation is in order this spring - something to look forward to.
Many of you have offered your prayers.
One of you called and offered a lunch date / vent session (let's definitely get together, M!).
Someone suggested a bible study.
One of you inspired me to create a self-study of Russian culture: literature, history, language, food (my inner-nerd is very excited about this!).
And, one of you is organizing a rosary for us - petitioning the intercession of our Holy Mother.

I am profoundly affected by the outpouring of love - each of you in your uniquely sensitive way of reaching out and offering compassionate support.

Today I have relied heavily on two gifts of wisdom:

We do not have access to the big picture.

and

Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14

Tomorrow I will wade through the copious support we recieved today. I already feel more settled, focused, grounded. Somehow making a plan that I can effect feels less powerless.

I certainly hope God’s plan for us includes a life with Nicholas as our son.

Tomorrow is our little man's first birthday. Please pray that he recieves extra hugs and attention - in honor of his most special day.

cm

The verdict is in

The rumors were true. We will not be awarded a court date prior to May (at the earliest). Apparently there is a revamping of the social services department (just in Ekat) and a new someone-or-other is to be elected at the end of January. The judge in Ekat will begin reviewing dossiers again in early March and this process usually takes a couple of months with 2, 3, and sometimes more requests made to revise and/or update documents. We are basically out of luck here and we're completely powerless to do anything other than wait. Inna is concerned that things may be held up for a long time. It is terribly disconcerting that Inna is concerned. She's typically a pillar of optimism.

We were told that we (and P&B) will get updates about our kiddos by the end of the year - including measurements and pictures. I'd be thrilled. But, I'll have to see it to believe it.

Requests:

There is no logic or fairness involved in this delay - please don't ask me to explain it.

Please pray for us - and for Nicholas. Our little man is fine, acutally. He's healthy, loved, and well cared for. He won't remember one second of this. But, we will. And, we are finding it immensely painful.

We are reeling from this news and fearing future delays. And, we're wondering what to do with ourselves for the next 6+ months - if you have any suggestions (aside from sarcastic offers to take your children, in which we find very little humor), we're interested.

It's probably stupid - but, I'm afraid that he's going to get too big before we get to see him again. Though I clearly don't have an answer to what 'too big' is. I just don't want him to grow up too much without us - for me. It's selfish, really. I just don't want to miss out on anymore. He's still going to be a baby at 18 months - right?

Matt is significantly more pragmatic than I am. He says, "Well, we'll just wait for him. He's our baby and we'll wait for him. There's nothing we can do about this." The "nothing we can do about this" part is exactly what sets me spinning emotionally.

Unbelieveable. It will be fascinating to process how we make meaning out of this one. It just seems so senseless and so enraging.

cm

Bad news from Russia

Welp - it's been a rough afternoon.

Apparently, the judicial system in Ekat is stalling their adoption processing. They are 'revamping' their document requirements and holding re-elections within the Ministry of Education and social care services. They are not awarding court dates until they get things revised - the estimate is late March at the earliest. It looks like we will also be jumping back into the paperwork tornado. God only knows what that will look like post-revision. Ekat is already a paperwork nightmare.

This is disheartening news. I think Matt and I are a bit numb, to be honest. One would think that bad news would cease to feel shocking after the ride we have taken to start our family. One would, interestingly, be wrong.

Those of you who will be seeing us in the flesh - we really don't want to talk about this. Barring winter weather forecasts, we intend to move forward with the celebration of Nicholas that we have planned for Saturday. And, we don't really feel up to processing others' opinions about this delay. Negativity does not help us cope with our painful reality. Prayers, of course, are always welcome.

Thanks in advance, for respecting this boundary.

cm

Evening addendum - Inna called again tonight. I was in the midst of choir practice and literally ran out of the church to take her call. She connected with some people from FF and obtained some additional information that will remain private for the time being.

The gist - she reminded us that while the process is not always as hopeful as we would like with Russian adoptions, it is also not always as hopeless as it feels in the moment of disappointing news. She's right, of course.

We're planning to have a good weekend, celebrating our almost-one-year-old. We'll deal with this again on Monday - after the conference call she has scheduled with FF's Ekat coordinator.

Why the 10-day-wait?

All Russian legal judgments have a 10-day waiting period before they go into effect. If a person is convicted of a crime and sent to prison, there is a 10-day wait for that as well. It has absolutely nothing to do with waiting for a long-lost family member to come forward or for anyone to suddenly decide we are not fit parents. It is just the way the Russian legal system works. Judges were never supposed to waive the waiting period for adoptions, although many do (not ours - she’s a stickler for the rules!).

Prior to receiving our court date, Russian adoptive parents get priority to adopt Nicholas. Even though we have committed to him, he is not committed to us until the judge sets our court date (which will not happen until she is entirely satisfied with our dossier and our fitness to parent). Once we receive a court date, nothing will happen to keep us apart from Nicholas! We will have this security before we travel the second time. Though stressful and quite scary, our court appearance itself really is more of a formality than a time for the judge to make a decision on the adoption. In fact, the papers will already be completed when we get to court, including the judgment that the judge will sign saying that we are now Nicholas’ legal parents.

Long before our court date is assigned, the orphanage social worker (whom we will meet on trip#2) will have interviewed known family members and had them sign off on the adoption (in fact, we know that this occurred prior to our first trip). The 10-day waiting period following court is not to allow for a family member to come forward at the last minute. We learned this information from Yelena during our first drive to NT.

Believe me, it is REALLY good to know this.

cm

Movement

Our agency e-mailed this afternoon indicating that P&B have been requested to submit some additional documents and update others - so, we have been pre-warned that our update list is likely pending (our process will parallel theirs as we will likely be invited for court dates in the same time frame).

Apparently, though we have already been evaluated by a psychiatrist, we are also required to be signed-off on by a psychologist. Though clearly we are the superior profession (sarcasm!), the redundancy is aggravating.

BUT - movement is occuring in Ekat on our behalf.

That's good!

cm

Choice -v- Control

There are hundreds of choices involved in the adoption process. Will we adopt? Should we adopt? From where will we adopt? How much are we willing/able to spend? What age child are we willing to adopt? What health or developmental difficulties do we feel equipped to handle? Where will we find the funds? How many children will we adopt? At once? Or through multiple adoption processes? Which agency should we adopt through? And on, and on, and on…We even made a deliberate choice to adopt Nicholas in particular. We chose him!

Unfortunately, these plethora of choices give the false illusion of control – to both adoptive parents and their supporters.

Reality is we have very little control in this process. So, we emphasize our choices to foster the illusion of control and enable our fragile psyches!

Most recently, we have chosen to return home for the 2-week waiting period and turn our experience into 3 trips. Our current plan is to arrive in Ekat 5 days before our court date and return home immediately following. Two weeks later, my mom and I (in lieu of Matt) will return to Ekat for 2 days to pick up Nicholas and will finish out our first Russian adoption process in Moscow for ~4 days before we fly home and reunite Nicholas with his daddy. Matt's mom will spend ~3 nights with us to help us with our immediate adjustment then Matt, Nicholas and I will hunker down for a week (recommended to facilitate bonding and attachment) before we both return to work. I will work Tuesdays and Saturdays and Matt will work from home on Tuesdays for ~6 months until we feel comfortable initiating a childcare arrangement (though I still won't likely increase my schedule more than 2-3 weekdays).

It's a plan - full of choices. All of them (sans my mom trekking to Russia with me on trip#3) are subject to change at our whim - we, of course, reserve this right dependent on the level of out-of-control we're struggling with.

cm

Wikipedia

We love Wikipedia - the online encyclopedia - around here. I thought it would be fun to post some information about Ekaterinburg and Nizhny Tagil, but I simply can’t do better than Wikipedia. So, I’m linking to their Ekat and NT pages.

Ekaterinburg

Nizhny Tagil

Info-dorks - happy reading!

Info-phobes - I’ll try to post something more entertaining soon!

cm

Love for our son

Nicholas will turn 1-year-old on December 19th. We knew when we commited to adopt from Russia that our child would not be entering our family as an infant. And even though I knew it was a very real possibility, it was such a bummer to know that I might miss my child's first birthday. We do feel tremendously blessed that we met our baby before he hit this particular milestone.

It is, of course, a bummer that he will not be home yet. But, Matt and I decided that we would invite our families over to celebrate with us the weekend before his birthday. Honestly, we knew our parents would come over and we figured our local family would come by for this baby-less 1st birthday party, but we have been quite honored by the huge positive response from our people. 7 of Nicholas' 9 cousins will be present and all but one aunt & uncle (who had previously committed to attend another family member's graduation). We will even have a great-grandma, great-cousin & family, great-aunt, and great-uncle present! Our families are coming from far and wide to celebrate our son's birthday-party-in-absentia.

Many of our people read this blog - we cannot thank you guys enough for your excitement and support. We feel very loved and we know Nicholas will be welcomed warmly into his extended family. What an incredible blessing - for him and for us.

cm

Money, money, money, money

Unfortunately, adoption makes a pretty private experience remarkably public. I’ve never actually considered asking a biological parent how expensive their medical bills were following their child’s birth. The expense of adoption however, seems to be fair game in the barrage of questions that we face when we announce our process.

Depending on who is asking me, I typically have a question in response to this question, "Oh, why do you want to know?" I am always happy to answer this question for potential pre-adoptive parents. However, if I sense you’re being a Nosey-Rose or a Nosey-Parker, I don’t feel inclined to bare the financial requirements involved in bringing our child home.

Matt’s response is typically a bit rougher around the edges - "Yea! It’s a lot of money." (Sometimes he even extends his hand...palm up!)

Sadly, the expense of adoption is an ugly reality - and sometimes a prohibitive one. It is simply devastating to know that millions of children never acquire families because the expense scares off many prospective parents.

It’s not difficult to identify the current expense projections for adoption from Russia. If you’re that interested - I’ll let you look it up!

cm

Months of weeks

We arrived home 5 weeks ago yesterday.

One week from today...
We (finally) reunite with P&B for dinner - celebrating our boys, our friendship, our futures.

Two weeks from today...
We're hosting our families for our son's first birthday party.

Three weeks from today...
We start our Christmas tour with a trip to my grandparents.

Four weeks from today...
We'll likely be spending a quiet weekend at home - recharging our introverted batteries.

Five weeks from today...
My first baby shower in Greenwood!

Six weeks from today...
We end our Christmas tour with Matt's Evansville family and top it off with a Morgan-family baby shower the next day.

Seven weeks from today...
I will be chomping at the bit for some news about our court date.

Time marches on!

cm