It's a busy time of year. We have commitments every weekend through January 13th. Busyness makes the passage of time feel faster, no doubt about it.
But, the holidays involve an unspoken (and sometimes loudly spoken!) expectation of family togetherness. I'm all for family togetherness - I love my families (both the one that raised me and the one that has accepted me through marriage) and I enjoy being with them.
Togetherness, however, breeds an acute awareness of a missing member. It doesn't matter who it is. When 'the people' gather and one is missing, we (I) miss the one who isn't there.
It's Nicholas this year. He is missing from our lives, from our celebrations, from our routine, from our family. He's missing out. We're missing out.
And, I'm really really missing him right now.
This holiday season is the first time that I am experiencing my own child as the MIA family member.
I have to admit, it's more painful than any other 'missing' I have previously endured.
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Wednesday, November 28, 2007
'The holidays'
Chilly
I thought it was cold this morning. I work thick sweatpants, heavy socks, a long-sleeved t-shirt, a sweatshirt, a winter jacket, a headband, and mittens on my 5:30a morning walk with Max (our black lab) and J & Tyra, our neighbor across the street and her black lab (who is Max's role model for appropriate walking behavior!).
It was 35F.
It's 14F in Ekat right now - at 8am.
Yikes!
Nicholas is playing right now. He has already eaten breakfast and is cleaned up and dressed for the day. He's has about 2 hours until naptime. I wonder what he's doing - who/what he's playing with - how he's feeling - what his mood is today (well, tomorrow, actually) - what he ate for breakfast - what he's wearing - if he's been outside this week - if he is struggling with teething sypmtoms. All of it.
Every waking minute, I wonder about him.
Sweet baby.
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Monday, November 26, 2007
The picture post (retro)
Heading out the Indy airport with all of our goods!
The Park Inn - Ekaterinburg, Russia
The very comfy hotel bed!
The closet at the Park Inn - this picture was taken before our luggage arrived!
A street view in Ekaterinburg (the pharmacy = apteka).
A government building in Ekaterinburg.
A big, beautiful church in Ekaterinburg.
Russian license plate.
Walking into the Ministry of Education to receive our referral. We didn't even know Nicholas existed when this picture was taken.
Entering the city of Nizhny Tagil.
The Megamart in NT.
A street view in NT.
An NT bus stop.
A Russian babushka walking on the sidewalk in NT.
Walking in to meet our child.
This is me on Thursday, the 3rd day we visited Nicholas. I'm including this picture because 
The playground at Orphanage#8
More retro posts to come...
'Our' Russians (retro)
Matt and I were assisted by many lovely people in Russia. Some of them we spent more time with than others, but all were intricately instrumental in facilitating our first few days with our son. I'm going to present them here in order of appearance. And, while we do have pictures of everyone, it doesn't feel fair to post them in cyberspace without permission - so, I won't.
Lydia picked us up at the airport and was in charge of facilitating our schedules all week. P&B spent a lot of time with her since their kiddos were in local orphanages and she was able to serve as both their driver and translator. Since we were outside of Ekat every day, we did not see as much of her. It was great to be with her when we first arrived though because she was able to give us a heads up about our pending experience at the Ministry and when we would be able to meet our child. Lydia is a smiley, bubbly woman who also works as a teacher in Ekat - busy, busy lady!
Viktor (See my 'driving' post)
Olga is the Frank Foundation Coordinator in Ekat. She takes care of everything 'official'. In fact, she has power of attorney for us in Russia and is taking care of all the legal paperwork for us to establish our court date. We met her at the Ministry of Education on 10/23. I thought she was lovely and was bummed that we didn't see her more. However, if the choice is between spending time with her and sending her on her way to facilitate speedier adoptions - it's a no brainer! Olga sat in the room with us at the Ministry and interpreted everything that was said about our referral for Nikolai. Immediately following, she trekked over to the orphanage with P&B and then drove the two hours north to check in on us in Nizhny Tagil. We saw her again on our last night in Ekat when she came to the hotel to talk about our experience and collect payment for the FF services for the week. Currently, she is frantically working to get us back over there so we can bring our kiddos home ('Us' because we will mostly likely be traveling with P&B again as they like to send couples in pairs).
Yelana was our interpreter on the first day. We LOVED her! She was such a Godsend and she is just a fantastically cool woman. She shared so much information with us about the adoption process, the judge in Ekat, Russian history (some quite tragic and which she herself has lived through), our paperwork requirements, our rights, etc. Evidently she used to work full-time with FF as an interpreter for adoptive families. Now, she is self-employed (quite amazing!) and she serves as a translator in many different arenas locally. We could not have asked for a more supportive, informative, brilliant woman to assist us that first, overwhelming day. During Nikolai's afternoon nap, Yelana, Matt & I walked over to a local restaurant (I didn't get a picture, but certainly will next time) which serves as the local disco in the evenings! It was, quite simply, the most local experience we had all week and I’m so grateful that she took us over there. Yelana ordered for us - some kind of chicken and pork (quite good). There were only two other people eating in the restaurant - an older woman and apparently her ~10 year old granddaughter, who was literally turned around in her seat, open-jawed staring at us the entire time we were in there. It was terribly funny. Matt and I were quite a novelty in the local diner/disco! It would be fantastic to see Yelana again when we go back.
Dr. Lada is the English-speaking physician from Moscow whom we hired to travel to Ekat and evaluate the baby. She was both tremendously helpful and quite nice to spend time with. We have her medical evaluation on tape, which is great of fun to watch. Nikolai was a total monkey when she was evaluating him and he didn’t seem bothered by her presence in the least - in fact, he seemed quite excited by all the toys she brought with her! Since Dr. Lada was also assisting P&B, she was in the region for a few nights and on Wednesday (my dreadfully emotional day) she went to dinner with the four of us and helped us order food. It is such a remarkable comfort having a native Russian speaker facilitating one’s culinary options. We went to a German restaurant (English speakers ordering German food from a Russian menu) and had great cheese and beer. It was nice to have some social time with her. Subsequently, she sent us a medical report and has been in communication via e-mail. I wonder if there’s any chance we’ll connect with her in Moscow.
Dr. Luba is the director of Orphanage#8. She is also the medical director. When we first arrived at the baby house, Dr. Luba sat down with Yelena, Matt & I to review Nikolai’s medical chart. Matt got this entire interview on video (which, interestingly we have not watched a single time since we arrived home) while I furiously took notes. She is the person who told us that Nikolai is "the best baby in the orphanage." Won’t he just love hearing that someday!? Dr. Luba spent extra time with us on our second visit asking us how we slept after meeting Nikolai and how we felt about him. She is not only attached to, but also protective of the kiddos in her care. We really liked her. At one point on Wednesday while we were sitting together waiting for Nikolai to finish his snack and come play with his Mama & Daddy (we had already committed to him at that point), a little boy ~4 years old walked through the room and Dr. Luba waived him over to come sit by her. She asked him to recite a poem for us (yes, he was 4!), so he sat down next to her and recited this 2 minute long story (which we, sadly, didn’t understand - but, thoroughly enjoyed in spite of the language barrier). I was blown away by this little boy. He is absolutely beautiful and obviously a smartie. The entire time he sat there, Dr. Luba had her hand gently placed over his on his knee. It was very tender. She is very tender. After he left, she shared some of his tragic details with us, informing us that he, along with 2/3 of the orphans in Russia, is not available for adoption because his mother has not rescinded her parental rights. Dr. Luba told us that she is very pleased that Nikolai is going to have a family to grow up in. How could you not love this woman?
We also briefly interacted with two of Nikolai’s daytime care providers. We actually have a great video clip of him interacting with one of them just before Dr. Lada’s evaluation. He is quite clearly attached to her and she quite clearly loves him. It’s very touching and I’m thrilled to have it - it will be fun to share with him as he gets older. We have video of the other care provider turning him around to wave to us as we were leaving the first day! It was such a sweet gesture and made me feel very warm toward her when she did it. None of his care providers speak English (at least they didn’t with us). We left a notebook with some questions translated into Russian (thank you, Tatyana!) and hope that they will write something in there that we can keep for Nicholas from some of the women who loved him first. They are very busy - so, we shall see.
Angie was our interpreter on Wednesday, the second day we visited Nikolai’s orphanage. She is such a cutie and has a very bubbly personality. On the drive over to NT, she turned around and, with a big smile on her face said, "So, what are American’s stereotypes of Russians?" I laughed and answered her honestly - that they’re socially aloof, unhappy / don’t smile, hard workers, vodka drinkers, patriotic, and don’t value time commitments. She wasn’t shocked by the stereotypes. When I asked her the same about Russian’s stereotypes of Americans, she told me that we are perceived to be very prompt, entitled / arrogant, somewhat lazy, and disingenuous (we smile too much and Russians don’t believe we are ‘always’ that happy!). It was a fun conversation - I was so glad she initiated it. We both commented that the stereotypes seem to shift generationally. She is close to my age, which left me wondering how an older Russian might perceive Americans! At the end of our visit that day, Viktor and Angie drove us around NT so we could get a sense of Nikolai’s hometown. It was a very kind gesture and we were able to take a lot of pictures that we otherwise may have missed out on. Angie, like Lydia, is also a teacher and she informed us that most Russians have two or more jobs - hard working people. I hope we get to see her again when we go back.
And, last but not least, Ksenia was our interpreter on our third and final visit with Nicholas. She is a 23-year-old law student and, following graduation, she aspires to attend law school at UNLV - she’s a smartie. Ksenia has traveled extensively to the US when not in classes and she happily reports that Las Vegas is her favorite place on earth! We had to confess that Indy is a little dark relative to the Las Vegas lights. I don’t know that she will ever have reason to visit the Midwest, but she has our contact information in case she ever wants to look us up. I hope she does.
That wraps up our trip#1 people-experience. We feel so grateful to each of these individuals - for various reasons. They really did make our first trip flawless (as flawless as a trek to Russia to meet one’s child could possibly be). I know that there are MANY more people working behind-the-scenes on our behalf. It would be lovely if you would keep each and every one of them in your prayers.
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Pending - pictures of Ekat, the Park Inn, Nizhny Tagil, & Orphanage#8…stay tuned!
Friday, November 23, 2007
Giving thanks
There are so many things to be thankful for. This year I am trying to stay focused on those rather than the glaringly painful elements of my current existence.
A short list . . .
I'm thankful that God is graceful, forgiving, generous.
I'm thankful that he has a perfect plan for me, for Matt, for Nicholas.
I'm thankful for Matt - the gift that he is.
I'm thankful that we have carved out a relationship that honors and respects both of us.
I'm thankful for Nicholas.
I'm thankful - so thankful - that his parents chose life.
I'm thankful that the Lord is making me a mother.
I'm thankful for NT's Orphanage #8 and that Nicholas is in good hands until we can bring him home.
I'm thankful that our families and friends are celebrating us, our son, our adoption, our family.
I'm thankful that 25% of you are rooting for January!
There are so many things to be thankful for.
And, I really really miss my baby.
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FF - thank you! You are so right - such bittersweetness this year. And, Dana - welcome! I'm glad to have you along. Congratulations on your adoption! Bless your heart.
Monday, November 19, 2007
11 months / 1 month
Nicholas is 11 months old today! And, one month ago today we boarded a plane to go meet him! I love synchronicity - so much so that I sometimes just make it up in my head.
Yesterday I attended B's (of P&B our travel buddies) baby shower. I realized on the drive over that we had not seen each other since we left the Indy airport over three weeks ago. Three weeks ago!? It feels like an eternity - not because the days are passing slowly, or because I am miserably missing my son. It feels like an eternity because that experience was so emotionally surreal it almost feels like another lifetime - or someone else's. It is a blessing that I have pictures and video to prove to myself that I was really in Russia and I did really meet my baby.
It was great to see B and to meet some of her lovely people. P's mom even brought me a gift! I was the newest person in B's life attending her shower - but, our shared experience has created a bond deeper than a 4 week relationship typically knows. I thoroughly enjoyed celebrating her pending-motherhood.
One new truth I am discovering about myself is that I'm a closet attention seeker. I like to believe that my introverted nature doesn't allow for such classic humanity - but, it does. And, I am! I specifically bought a little photo album and put 30 of Nicholas' cutest poses in it so I could take it to B's shower and share the joy of my kiddo! How funny is that? Not only did B allow me to graciously share her spotlight - I wanted to be there with her!
Reciprocity is a lovely thing - B will (hopefully) be at my shower with pictures of her adorable little ones as well!
If you are so inclined, please pray that those caring for Nicholas (and P&B's boys O&C) feel compelled to give our boys a special extra hug, smile, pat on the head, or kiss on the cheek today - and everyday until we can get back there and bring them home.
Loving one's child 10 time zones away is quite painful.
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Sunday, November 11, 2007
Driving to the orphanage (Retro)
Nicholas lives in a baby house located in a village outside Nizhny Tagil, a moderate sized city two hours north of Ekaterinburg. Driving to the orphanage is an experience in extremes. The main road to NT from Ekat is known as 'Putin’s highway'! Evidently because NT is an industrial city comprised of many 'military enterprises' (we didn’t ask), President Putin drives to NT every time he is in the region. Yelena, our interpreter on the day we met Nikolai told us that we were 'lucky' to be driving this particular road because it is immediately patched and repaired anytime a blemish is identified.
Low and behold, there were several areas of construction repair along the way. And, truly, it was a road not unlike the major interstates in here the Midwest. Thank goodness!
Victor was our driver each day we visited Nikolai. I’m guessing he is a thirty-something local who is a professional driver (probably not just for Frank Foundation). Viktor spoke slightly more English than I speak Russian, and he smiled and responded graciously when I attempted to communicate with him in his language. He seems to be a very gentle, patient man and we felt safe in his care (and in his car, remarkably!).
When we climbed into the car immediately following our final goodbye with Nikolai, Viktor turned around to face me and said, “It’s okay?” I tearfully replied, “Ochen harasho (it’s very good), Viktor.” He smiled, turned around, started the car and began his skillful drive home.
Matt and I decided that Viktor, while incredible at his current profession, has probably missed his ultimate calling as an Indy car driver! Putin’s highway was Viktor’s race track! At one point (while Matt and our interpreted slept) I even attempted to document our highest speeds on video. It's a jumbled mess of unsteady hand movements! The fastest we went on ‘ole Putin’s Highway was just over 190 km/hour. I’ll let you do the math!
The Putin’s highway experience did not extend all the way to the Baby House. The pot holes we encountered in the village off the main roads were unreal. The last couple of miles of our trek involved Viktor navigating cobblestone and dirt roads in an S pattern to avoid vehicle sized ditches in the road.
I’m telling you – Russians are considerably better drivers than we are here in the US. Unbelievably, amidst drivers making the divided highway line a third lane, weaving in and out of both slow and rapidly moving traffic, and sitting still for just under and hour in Ekat whilst rush-hour traffic merged into the single, one-lane road leading to and from the city center; not once did we see any evidence of road rage other than the occasional honked horn. They were remarkably polite on the road – if not a little ambitious in attempting to reach their destinations!
I'm just glad I wasn't behind the wheel.
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Monday, November 5, 2007
The rest of the story...
With a Paul Harvey-esq title like that, I won't even try to deliver!
We are settling into our 'wait' and have scheduled ourselves busy through the end of the year! Nothing makes time feel more rapid to the introvert than a whirlwind tour of social activities. Anxiety is faster than depression, right?
It is my intention over the next few weeks to document 'the rest' of our experiences in Russia. We had so many interesting, funny, and anxiety-provoking experiences that I want to share. So, look for some retro posts soon.
Now, for more (or less) pressing blog-world news: I have been tagged. It looks like I was tagged by Kim on Friday last week! Evidently, the requirement is that I share 8 things about myself that people don't know and 'tag' 8 additional bloggers to do the same.
Oh, the dilemma!
This is an extroverted bloggers game, I am sure. Being the raging introvert that I am - I thought to myself, "Why would I share 8 things that people don't know about me? If I wanted them to know - they already would!" Then, "What if I tag 8 introverted bloggers and initiate a ripple effect of distress?"
Since I am compliant (and I do love Kim!), I will share 8 (fascinating, I'm sure) Russian-adoption-related tidbits about your's truly. But, I'm not going to tag anyone. If I have extroverted blog-readers, consider yourself tagged by me and share, share, share x8!
1. Pelmini is my favorite Russian food (I eat it at least once a week)...with sour cream!
2. I sit in the rocker in Nikolai's room everyday and write to him in a journal I am keeping. It is both my most tender and my most agonizing moment of the day - yet, I can't imagine missing out on it.
3. We bought clothes and toys for our little man this weekend! Shopping for a tangible baby is such a fabulous experience.
4. I love watching loved ones watch our videos of Nicholas - they fall in love with him quickly and it seems to facilitate my access to profound joy.
5. At 8p here it is 6a in Ekat and Nikolai is just getting started with his day. It feels good to be in conversation with the Lord the very moment my son is waking up across the world.
6. I worry about Max getting his adorable, black lab snout clipped with the insertion of our son into his life. I want them to like each other. And, I can't even process the terror I feel that Nicholas might have an allergy to dogs.
7. I don't dream about him at night and I desperately wish that I would. I think it would feel good to have a subconscious connection to this process for a while.
8. I fear I'm attaching to the fantasy again and that is why I feel better. No doubt sleep and routine have contributed to my mental health status quo at home; but I do wonder how it will feel to see him in the flesh again. I imagine I will become more anxious about this when we get travel dates for trip#2.
Kim, this was kind of fun! Thank you for tagging me.
(Evidence that introverts do have use for extroverts after all...?)
Retro posts are pending...
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